Title: How Far
Author: socgrl
Spoilers: Everything up and through Corporate Raiders (Season 10)
Disclaimer: Uhm...yeah...don't own them, wish I did cause they would be together (yay!) and would have at least one cute little Rabb baby by now! P.S. The song is called How Far by Martina McBride.
A/N: I know it's been a while and I thank those of you who reviewed so nicely for Give In. I really enjoyed writing that story and was hoping that the Season 10 premier would inspire me to go at another chapter, but I've been swamped with work! But here is my attempt at something new. Please R&R and Enjoy!
Ciudad del Este
Paraguay
May 2003
Here I stand at the taxi station in Ciudad del Este. My back is turned on the only man I've ever truly loved. The only man I have ever been in love with.
He just saved my life. He just broke my heart. Why for the first time in our history couldn't he argue with me? Why couldn't he just fight me on this? Why couldn't he just fight for us?
I hold back the tears that threaten to flood my face and crawl into the cab.
There's a boat, I could sail away
There's the sky, I could catch a plane
There's a train, there's the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh, never come back
I turn to see if he will follow me into the cab. I see the look of defeat etched across his face. We are both hurting, both dying inside. And yet we are both too stubborn to admit that we're wrong. 'Damn it Harm! Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I'm being selfish. Tell me that we can make this work. Tell me that you have given up everything to have me. Tell me that you love me. Hell, tell me I'm a selfish Bitch. DAMN IT, TELL ME ANYTHING!', I scream to myself.
There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh, when's it gonna end
He crawls in beside me and is stone faced. He diverts his attention to the window and his gaze catches on the many lonely people wandering the streets. He refuses to let me see how he is feeling. He refuses to let me look into his eyes and see that he is hurting as much as I am. He is rebuilding that wall that I feel will never come back down.
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
One Year Later- May 2004
Manderly Estate
Maryland
I sit here waiting for her to finish talking to Clay. I have no idea what she is feeling. I know that at one time I considered Clayton Webb a friend, but right now I hope she is breaking his heart. I can't stand to see her hurting and I know that until she gets closure with Clay whether that be; to move on or continue dating, I just want it to end. With everything going on with her health and the devastation she must feel after being betrayed by Clay there's no telling when she will heal.
Right now I know what I want. I want the best for Mattie, whether she is with her father or me, I just want her to be healthy and happy. I want Mac in my life for good. I want to tell her that I love her. That I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want to have babies with her, and from the information that I have been reading, that is goal still attainable. I want to wake up every morning with her warmth on my pillows and the scent of her shampoo in the air. I want to kiss her without reservation or reason. And I want her to love me because she wants to, not because I am the fallback guy. I want her to know that she deserves to be loved and cherished like she is the most precious thing in the world, because she is the most precious thing in mine.
Our future as they say, is in her hands.
There's a chance I could change my mind
But I won't, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what's it gonna be
I dust off the sand from my khaki pants and begin my walk down the beach. I turn slightly to see if she makes an attempt to stop me. She looks lost and unsure and in dire need of time, time to think.
And I walk. I walk along the shoreline and I feel that I could walk forever. I have to turn around soon. I have to walk back towards her. Towards the woman who is holding my heart and my future in her hands. I walk back along the shore, I can see my former footprints being taken out to the ocean by the crashing waves. I walk back up to the house, back to the car, and back to the real world.
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
One week later
North of Union Station
"It's amazing how a man can do a complete 180 like that"
"Hey, it happens"
The words still ring in my ears. When did I realize that I was in love with her. I think I loved her the moment she told me that I had a nice smile but that it wouldn't work on her. Ha, yup that was it. But when did I know that I was in love with her? I knew for sure that I was in love with her the day Dalton picked her up from Headquarters. I had to say goodbye to my inspiration. Mac makes me the fighter that I am. She challenges me like no other person ever has. That day I felt I lost everything.
I am brought back to the present with a knocking at the door. Tom is here to pick Mattie up for dinner. She's upset because I have declined stating that I'm too bogged down with work.
"Stop thinking that you don't matter!"
She gives me a kiss on the cheek and is out the door. I look down at my work and realize that I'm not going to be able to focus. I run into my bedroom and change into a comfortable pair of jeans my long sleeve JAG baseball t-shirt, and race down to my car. Most likely she's not home, but what the hell!
Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon
I take the stairs one flight up to her floor. Her car was not in its normal spot on the street, she probably ran to the market. I have a bouquet of flowers, a late summer assortment and I have them ready to display as I knock softly on the door. There is no answer so my assumption is correct. I slide the flowers carefully between the door jam and knob so no one will step on them and she is sure to see.
I attempt a knock once again and again, no response. I grab the card that the florist offered and scribble a note. I place it in the bouquet and head back down the stairs to my car.
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can't
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say
Yeah I'm gonna walk away
And it's up to you to say how far
How far
Seconds later
Georgetown
I noticed Harm's car outside and I hope I haven't missed him. My hands are full with two grocery sacks. I fumble for my purse as the doors open and a lovely bouquet of flowers catches my eye. I look around and notice that I am alone in the hallway so I set the groceries down and remove the card.
Sarah
Talk to me, let me in. Don't push me away.
I'm here for you whenever you are ready,
I'm waiting!
Love,
Harm
A single tear rolls down my cheek and a smile spreads across my face. He's finally ready!
'I'm almost there! I promise.'
A/N: you know the deal...tell me what you think! I may have something punched out in a few days. It depends on workload and inspiration. :P
A/N2: I want to thank all of you who have reviewed; starryeyes10, marineJAG, jtbwriter, Emily, LilMac, ShortBlondie, Jakia, hotbaby911, and the others that I may have forgotten.