Harry Potter and the Dawning of Reality

It was another year at Hogwarts, and Harry and Ron sat around the Gryffindor common room, which was surprising empty.

"Harry," said Ron thoughtfully. "As it is our final year in Hogwarts, shall we try and find some surreal yet completely magical way for Lord Voldemort to come back? That way we can find some equally absurd way to thwart him, with the brains of Hermione, my uselessness, and your way to somehow face everything that is thrown at you, and still survive!"

"Nah," said Harry "we've done that too many times already. Shall we go graffiti over the Potions lab?"

"That' summat that we've never done before, and it'll really hack Snape off. BRILLIANT!"

Meanwhile, Hermione had just realised that as she was one of the only girls ever mentioned by name in the entire school, her chances of pulling at the school disco were in her favour. She hoped that it would be Harry, as most of the other boys were either taken, gay or just friends.

That disco was a complete letdown. Dumbledore, who looked a hell of a lot like MC Hammer in the baggy trousers he was wearing, mixed the music. Anyway, it was either him, or Professor Flitwick, who had forgotten to put on his platforms. As it went, Ron failed to snog a single girl, and Hermione had gone to bed by the time Harry was pissed enough to actually kiss a girl without saying "Y'know if ya do dis, you'll prob'ly get narked by Lord Voldemort." So, Harry and Ron went outside to the town of Hogsmeade, where, after meeting Sirius, who had been sucked into the strange doorway-thingy at the end of book five, had made a sudden re-appearance when he was found Transfigured into a codpiece in Snape's bedroom drawer. They had brought with them a few bottles of Fred and George's new Vodka. If you blew through you nose after drinking it, it apparently made bubble in the seven colours of the rainbow. Why they started to throw up rubber chickens and "very nice cheese-boards" remained a mystery to them until they made their way back to the Hospital Wing in the school, and found Fred and George on ventilators. Apparently it was their brand new joke product and Harry and Ron had to admit that it was good. Then Professor Dumbledore appeared in the doorway.

"Harry, it is time I told you what I should have told you seven years ago. You parents were not killed by Lord Voldemort."

"Who were they killed by then?"

"ME!" and as he ripped off his robes, so he was dressed in a string vest and a black and gold pair of MC Hammer trousers, Harry could see the Death Chompers mark, which was a skull chewing on a hot dog. They both produced their wands and shouted their spells.

"SOMETHINGLATIN!" shouted Harry.

"UTTERBLOODYNONSENSE" yelled Dumbledore. They two spells collided in the centre of the room and the school exploded.

When the dust settled, Harry, Ron, Fred and George were standing on a piece of rubble about six feet square, in the middle of a thirty-foot wide crater.

"Why is this kind of ending sooooo predictable?" asked Harry.

"I don't know, but I need to pee. Where is the toilet?" Ron asked, and then he realised something. He had never gone to the loo in seven years, and he had never had a wash. "D'ya think they built toilets in Hogwarts, Harry?"

"I don't know Ron, but it could be a great title for our next spin-off. "Harry Potter and the quest for the Lost Loo."

"Like it a lot, Harry."

"Thanks Ron."

"How we gonna get off this, Harry?"

"I have no idea, Ron."

They both stared at each other, and said together one word.

"BUGGER!"