Chapter 3: Whips and Chains and Mary Lou
"What are you two scoundrels doing in my backyard?" she demanded, as she lowered the ax to the ground. The two pirates simultaneously let go of the breath they were both holding. The woman placed the ax on its head and leaned into its handle.
"Uh . . .?" answered Ragetti intelligently as usual. Although unsure as to how to answer her, he was vastly relieved that Pintel no longer wielded the ax.
"Well, ma'am," the other took up to fill in the empty space left by his companion. He looked into those deep dark brown eyes that spelled out all business. Unfortunately, neither pirate could read. Trying to be sharp on his feet, the smaller pirate started the wheels turning in his head. They made an awful clamor between his ears from the lack of use and caused him a dreadful headache. He swallowed hard. It would be the noose or maybe sausage sandwiches ( he thought as he eyed that ax in the woman's hand) depending upon her reaction to his story.
"Well, out with it, you scum! I haven't got all day! I do have a business to run."
"Well . . . uh . . ." Ragetti began with a light flash of inspiration. (It burned up some of the dust between his ears and some ear hairs in the process.) "We are trying to get out of these here chains, and Pintel, here, 'e's saw yer ax and all. So, 'e was obliged to . . .uh . . . try to . . . uh . . . chop through 'em."
"And why are you in chains in the first place?" she asked cannily.
Pintel and Ragetti looked at each other with blank confused expressions. The taller pirate shrugged. He had already did his bit in the dialogue and offered up his bit of valuable information. It was Pintel's turn. The smaller older pirate rolled his eyes.
"A lot of 'elp ye are, mate!" He griped.
"Well!" insisted their hostess.
"Well, we were with a travellin' circus, ye see . . ." Pintel started, as he was reminded of some things that his ex and no longer so undead captain Barbosa had once told them. The smaller pirate elbowed Ragetti before he could open his mouth to ask what circus and state that he didn't remember any circus. "We are a pair of escape artists, but we lost the keys, you see. I think me companion 'ere may 'ave swallowed 'em."
"I'm a bit of an enemy and me needs me iron," Ragetti replied with a crooked smile.
She gave him a most peculiar look of disgust.
"You mean anemone, you twit!" Pintel replied in his all knowing manner, (it was the most special word he knew) and gave a solid yank to the chain.
"Nah! I ain't meaning anemone! I've e't an anemone before! Blagh! It did nuttin' fer me stomach! I think I lost it o'er the Pearl!" Ragetti replied with a kind of greenish look about him.
"You ain't no enemy neither, you boob!" the elder replied with a whack to the taller pirate's head. For a man, who had rather rotten aim with everything else, he had accomplished quite feat with shackled hands. Ragetti nearly removed his nose and an ear in the process of his chainmate's aim for the back of his head, and the tall gaunt pirate got a three handed hit, because of the short chain.
With all things considered and with the force that Pintel's hand (plus two more hands), Ragetti's wooden eye chose this particular moment to pop out. It had been a good long time (two chapters, in fact) since the naughty orb did its thing, and its mischief was finally up and at them again. After all, Ragetti was out of the worse dangers and pressing problems, and it would never due to be a wooden eye to a real corpse. Corpses didn't tend to give much of a chase to much of anything, muchless a wooden eye.
Ragetti fell for the bait hook, line and sinker, pardon the cliche. Although being in a tangle with Pintel and an irate proprietor standing by with large sharp object in hand, Ragetti was able to go after the impish false body part. The older smaller cohort got dragged along for the chase, bashed into a couple of rocks, thrown into a rather prickly thorny bush (with more of that colorful vocabulary flowing from his lips) and finally being bashed into a barrel of water, that was set to catch the water from the gutter, thus destroying it in the process. Oh well, they both needed a bath anyway. Luckily, the one eyed pirate managed to make a siding catch of the wooden eye before he slipped and fell face down in the mud.
"Are you two vagrants properly done?" the woman demanded. If either of them had not been otherwise occupied they would have pondered whether they knew what "vagrant" meant and if it applied to them. "I have half a mind to call the law in here on you." At least, she had half a mind to spare, unlike her two uninvited guests, who didn't have half a mind combined.
Ragetti managed to sit up with his legs stretched out with his prize in hand. Pintel remained face down in the mud. Oh well, he was still cleaner than before the flood. Angry bubbles popped up to the surface. It was best that the woman didn't hear what he was calling Ragetti at the moment.
"I'll give you one more chance to explain yourselves, and I had better like your answer this time!" she growled.
Pintel pushed himself up from the mud bath and spat out a wad of it. He shook his head like a wet dog, showering his already wet partner. Ragetti just smiled dumbly and shrugged as normal. He was content to have his wooden eye in hand.
"Well, ma'am, ye see," Pintel began, "we didn't want to be tellin' ye this 'n' all, with ye being a lady, but ye, see, we were down at the flop house, and ye see, Mary Lou, she be 'avin' a thing for whips and chains. Ragetti and me, well, we don't go fer that kinda thing, so . . . "
Ragetti looked up at the mention of his name. His one pale blue eye grew wide, and his face turned an amazing shade of red. He swallowed hard and turned his gaze downwards and coughed a bit.
"If you were spending time with the ladies of pleasure, why are you still fully clothed?" the woman demanded.
"Uh . . ." replied Pintel, "She's a bit kinky, ye know."
"I'm getting the red coats in here," she replied, "You had best be out of my backyard by the time I return, because I'm certain you are wanted men. There was a parade of pirates earlier today, and you are more than likely escapees from that group. It gives me even less confidence in their abilities to uphold the law that they allow two idiots such as yourselves to escape."
"Please wait, ma'am!" Ragetti cried out, "If they gets us again, we will be hanged fer sure! Not sayin' we don't deserves it and all, but, me and Pintel here, we would like to do a bit more livin', ye see . . . and besides, it be me birthday and all. You can't be killin' a feller on 'is birthday. That wouldn't be very nice."
She glared at them. Pintel forced a crooked smile, and Ragetti continued to try that ineffective look of innocence, that was even less effective with his empty right eye socket. She blew out an exasperated breath with her decision and shoved the ax against the building. She mumbled some incoherent words, if heard, the pair wouldn't get anyway, as she approached them. She pulled the chain up between them and shook her head. She pulled a couple of bobby pins from her hair. Pintel felt relief flush through his body in more than one way. No one knew the difference, since he was already wet and smelly. Ragetti took the moment to pop his wooden eye, mud and all, back into place.
The woman worked on the locks with the expertise that would have surprised the two men, if they had not been so otherwise overjoyed by the strange positive turn of events. It only took a few minutes for her to break open the locks and free the prisoners. The two pirates sat on the ground and rubbed their free wrists. It was good to be free again. The tightening that each felt in their throats had now loosened, and they could breath more freely. Of course, the smell of wet pirate was not exactly fresh air. Ragetti wanted to cry with relief, but that might mean that he would have to chase after that ornery orb again, and he really didn't feel like it at the moment.
Pintel rose to his feet and made an elegant bow to the woman. "How can we e'er be able to repay ye for this service, ma'am?" he offered as the self proclaimed leader of the pair.
"You can take a bath for starts," she answered as she wrinkled up her nose. The wind had shifted her downwind of them.
"Och! Out of the Fryin' pan into the Fire!" Ragetti exclaimed.
"What are you two scoundrels doing in my backyard?" she demanded, as she lowered the ax to the ground. The two pirates simultaneously let go of the breath they were both holding. The woman placed the ax on its head and leaned into its handle.
"Uh . . .?" answered Ragetti intelligently as usual. Although unsure as to how to answer her, he was vastly relieved that Pintel no longer wielded the ax.
"Well, ma'am," the other took up to fill in the empty space left by his companion. He looked into those deep dark brown eyes that spelled out all business. Unfortunately, neither pirate could read. Trying to be sharp on his feet, the smaller pirate started the wheels turning in his head. They made an awful clamor between his ears from the lack of use and caused him a dreadful headache. He swallowed hard. It would be the noose or maybe sausage sandwiches ( he thought as he eyed that ax in the woman's hand) depending upon her reaction to his story.
"Well, out with it, you scum! I haven't got all day! I do have a business to run."
"Well . . . uh . . ." Ragetti began with a light flash of inspiration. (It burned up some of the dust between his ears and some ear hairs in the process.) "We are trying to get out of these here chains, and Pintel, here, 'e's saw yer ax and all. So, 'e was obliged to . . .uh . . . try to . . . uh . . . chop through 'em."
"And why are you in chains in the first place?" she asked cannily.
Pintel and Ragetti looked at each other with blank confused expressions. The taller pirate shrugged. He had already did his bit in the dialogue and offered up his bit of valuable information. It was Pintel's turn. The smaller older pirate rolled his eyes.
"A lot of 'elp ye are, mate!" He griped.
"Well!" insisted their hostess.
"Well, we were with a travellin' circus, ye see . . ." Pintel started, as he was reminded of some things that his ex and no longer so undead captain Barbosa had once told them. The smaller pirate elbowed Ragetti before he could open his mouth to ask what circus and state that he didn't remember any circus. "We are a pair of escape artists, but we lost the keys, you see. I think me companion 'ere may 'ave swallowed 'em."
"I'm a bit of an enemy and me needs me iron," Ragetti replied with a crooked smile.
She gave him a most peculiar look of disgust.
"You mean anemone, you twit!" Pintel replied in his all knowing manner, (it was the most special word he knew) and gave a solid yank to the chain.
"Nah! I ain't meaning anemone! I've e't an anemone before! Blagh! It did nuttin' fer me stomach! I think I lost it o'er the Pearl!" Ragetti replied with a kind of greenish look about him.
"You ain't no enemy neither, you boob!" the elder replied with a whack to the taller pirate's head. For a man, who had rather rotten aim with everything else, he had accomplished quite feat with shackled hands. Ragetti nearly removed his nose and an ear in the process of his chainmate's aim for the back of his head, and the tall gaunt pirate got a three handed hit, because of the short chain.
With all things considered and with the force that Pintel's hand (plus two more hands), Ragetti's wooden eye chose this particular moment to pop out. It had been a good long time (two chapters, in fact) since the naughty orb did its thing, and its mischief was finally up and at them again. After all, Ragetti was out of the worse dangers and pressing problems, and it would never due to be a wooden eye to a real corpse. Corpses didn't tend to give much of a chase to much of anything, muchless a wooden eye.
Ragetti fell for the bait hook, line and sinker, pardon the cliche. Although being in a tangle with Pintel and an irate proprietor standing by with large sharp object in hand, Ragetti was able to go after the impish false body part. The older smaller cohort got dragged along for the chase, bashed into a couple of rocks, thrown into a rather prickly thorny bush (with more of that colorful vocabulary flowing from his lips) and finally being bashed into a barrel of water, that was set to catch the water from the gutter, thus destroying it in the process. Oh well, they both needed a bath anyway. Luckily, the one eyed pirate managed to make a siding catch of the wooden eye before he slipped and fell face down in the mud.
"Are you two vagrants properly done?" the woman demanded. If either of them had not been otherwise occupied they would have pondered whether they knew what "vagrant" meant and if it applied to them. "I have half a mind to call the law in here on you." At least, she had half a mind to spare, unlike her two uninvited guests, who didn't have half a mind combined.
Ragetti managed to sit up with his legs stretched out with his prize in hand. Pintel remained face down in the mud. Oh well, he was still cleaner than before the flood. Angry bubbles popped up to the surface. It was best that the woman didn't hear what he was calling Ragetti at the moment.
"I'll give you one more chance to explain yourselves, and I had better like your answer this time!" she growled.
Pintel pushed himself up from the mud bath and spat out a wad of it. He shook his head like a wet dog, showering his already wet partner. Ragetti just smiled dumbly and shrugged as normal. He was content to have his wooden eye in hand.
"Well, ma'am, ye see," Pintel began, "we didn't want to be tellin' ye this 'n' all, with ye being a lady, but ye, see, we were down at the flop house, and ye see, Mary Lou, she be 'avin' a thing for whips and chains. Ragetti and me, well, we don't go fer that kinda thing, so . . . "
Ragetti looked up at the mention of his name. His one pale blue eye grew wide, and his face turned an amazing shade of red. He swallowed hard and turned his gaze downwards and coughed a bit.
"If you were spending time with the ladies of pleasure, why are you still fully clothed?" the woman demanded.
"Uh . . ." replied Pintel, "She's a bit kinky, ye know."
"I'm getting the red coats in here," she replied, "You had best be out of my backyard by the time I return, because I'm certain you are wanted men. There was a parade of pirates earlier today, and you are more than likely escapees from that group. It gives me even less confidence in their abilities to uphold the law that they allow two idiots such as yourselves to escape."
"Please wait, ma'am!" Ragetti cried out, "If they gets us again, we will be hanged fer sure! Not sayin' we don't deserves it and all, but, me and Pintel here, we would like to do a bit more livin', ye see . . . and besides, it be me birthday and all. You can't be killin' a feller on 'is birthday. That wouldn't be very nice."
She glared at them. Pintel forced a crooked smile, and Ragetti continued to try that ineffective look of innocence, that was even less effective with his empty right eye socket. She blew out an exasperated breath with her decision and shoved the ax against the building. She mumbled some incoherent words, if heard, the pair wouldn't get anyway, as she approached them. She pulled the chain up between them and shook her head. She pulled a couple of bobby pins from her hair. Pintel felt relief flush through his body in more than one way. No one knew the difference, since he was already wet and smelly. Ragetti took the moment to pop his wooden eye, mud and all, back into place.
The woman worked on the locks with the expertise that would have surprised the two men, if they had not been so otherwise overjoyed by the strange positive turn of events. It only took a few minutes for her to break open the locks and free the prisoners. The two pirates sat on the ground and rubbed their free wrists. It was good to be free again. The tightening that each felt in their throats had now loosened, and they could breath more freely. Of course, the smell of wet pirate was not exactly fresh air. Ragetti wanted to cry with relief, but that might mean that he would have to chase after that ornery orb again, and he really didn't feel like it at the moment.
Pintel rose to his feet and made an elegant bow to the woman. "How can we e'er be able to repay ye for this service, ma'am?" he offered as the self proclaimed leader of the pair.
"You can take a bath for starts," she answered as she wrinkled up her nose. The wind had shifted her downwind of them.
"Och! Out of the Fryin' pan into the Fire!" Ragetti exclaimed.