A/N: My thanks go out to my loyal readers. Again, I am late. On time means that I post this on Saturday morning. Oh well, I got a four day weekend out of this, and I felt lazy! Anyway, next weeks installment might well be late for several reasons. One of which is I have to work Thursday and Friday night, and the other reason is I have to deal with Jack in that chapter, and I am scared witless. Oh well, I'm not as scared as the heroes are about it!

Thanks to Bill for the title of this chapter. And the person who was looking for the return of Mullroy and Murtogg, they are back. I hope I have the right name with the right fellow. They weren't as separatable as Pintel and Ragetti.

Chapter 22: Some Like It Hotter

The streets of Port Royal were teaming with people going to and fro on their everyday business. Ragetti swallowed hard (and it got stuck somewhere on his ribs due to the corset), and he felt his knees trembling and weak (but that could have been due to the lack of oxygen because of the before mentioned corset). When he and Pintel had been disguised as women before, there had been numerous differences. There were less people about. (Granted those, that were there were around, were all armed and ready to blast rather sizeable holes into anything remotely resembling a pirate.) It was dark and there was quite a bit of distance between them and the ones they were trying to fool. Finally they were undead. This had two major advantages in and of itself: 1) They were a tad bit harder to kill than the average human being, and 2) They didn't have to breath, so the corset bit wasn't quite so constricting. Pintel unfolded his fan and placed it over his face to hide his manly features and his five o'clock shadow. He would have taken a deep breath before plunging into the crowd of people, but his seams were already stretched to their limits, and the corset made that firm statement of "absolutely not".

The unwomen made their way through the crowds of people as if there was nothing unusual about them. No one seemed to notice anything amiss. Pintel actually got goosed a couple of times. Some men were really desperate. The older pirate's unusual shade of blue nor the younger man's manly boots drew any attention. The fact that Ragetti's dress was a good half a foot above his ankles caught no one's eye as being out of the ordinary. Fortunately, his skirts were long enough to hide his trousers tucked in them and the knife in his right boot. Of course, if the people didn't get the idea that these were a pair of strange women without the other clues, then trousers and a knife stuck in a man boot wouldn't have phased them either. The taller man didn't exactly have that ladylike swagger, that Pintel seemed to have mastered. The walk came natural to the older rogue due to the fact that he couldn't breath. Ragetti was too used to going barefooted, and he found the boots a tad bit clumsy to say the least, but to go barefooted and walk properly would have drawn more attention than to wear boots and stumble over any irregularity in the streets. Besides, he rather smelt of ale. So, to make up for his non-feminine mannerisms, the one eyed pirate put on that high pitched voice and did his best at girlie chatter to his partner. Pintel looked up at him and narrowed his eyes in a most threatening way when the younger asked him about aligning the seams of his stockings, that he wasn't wearing. The taller man gave him a clueless smile as a response to the glare.

Before the round little pirate could appropriately hit him, he felt a gentle tap on his shoulder. His insides froze and he turned quite pale, but then again, this could all be because of the tightness of the corset. Ragetti's reaction was quite the same, and his corset wasn't quite as tight. Not to mention, his bladder happily added a complaint to go with it. Oh well, he found something that the corset was good for, as he felt a similar hand on his shoulder. Pintel turned an alarming shade of purple, but then again that could have been the result of the lack of air to his lungs. Ragetti mechanically and stiffly turned about and swiveled his good eye to look at the owner of the hand. His wooden eye just stayed in place. (It was sulking, because Marita had put an end to most of its wandering mischief.) At his side, he found that achingly familiar equally tall with shocking red hair red coat bayonet bearing naval soldier known as Murtogg.

Not exactly winning the prize for intelligence, the red haired guard smiled brightly at his potential date for Saturday night's ball at the governor's mansion. He did not notice that only one eye moved on this lovely to take in his appearance, and he could not read the fear written in that one eye and all over his victim's face. Foreign language was not his forte. He had a hard enough time with English. He did not notice the dress was straining at the seams, nor did he notice that only one golden earring was hanging from his lady's right ear without its match in the left ear. The lack of color in his beauty's complexion was considered quite fashionable, even though Ragetti was obviously tanned from all of his outside chores. The nagging familiarity that the woman had to soldier's miniscule mind was pushed aside for the spurring on of true love and the desperate need for a date.

Mullroy was having much the same problem. He found the lady before him a delicate beauty beyond words right down to her precarious seams, stringy blonde hair and equally yellow somewhat bloodshot eyes. The mingled smells of fine overused perfume, ale, and dog dander only served to entice his senses further. He was especially attracted to that vastly unproportionately large bust size, that was caused by the combination of the corset squeezing everything up and out and the hidden shirt stuffed there for good measure. The guard did properly appreciate a woman with a bit of meat on her bones, and Pintel more than qualified there. The absolute terror written in the pirate's eyes was mistaken for equal admiration. Mullroy, unfortunately, copied Murtogg's homework in military school.

"Might we be able to 'elp ya fine ladies out in some way?" Murtogg asked his tall lady, who stood a little better than an inch taller than him, in his most gentlemanly way. He liked a woman he could see.

Ragetti let out a nervous trickle of laughter, and he pulled his knees in tight, as he replied, "Uh . . ." intelligently.

Fanning himself harder, the older pirate tried to put on a more feminine voice, and it came out like a screech of a cat in heat. "We be 'eadin' fer the docks, good sirs," he replied, as he batted his eyes at his former captor in an attempt to be flirtatious.

Mullroy was struck from the bottom of his heart to the tips of his curling toes. She liked him! "The docks are no place for ladies like yerselves. There are many unsavory ungentlemanly like knaves 'bout on the docks. No tellin' what those less than savory sailors would do to ladies such as yer lovely selves."

"Oh!" Ragetti cried out sweetly, that sounded more like distress. Of course, this could have to do with some part of that lady undergarments, that he was wearing, popped and was now poking him painfully.

"We be goin' to see 'is . . . I mean, 'er brother," Pintel added, ignoring his companion's distress, "'E sails in today."

"Well, the least we can do is to escort ya there, and with us fine outstanding soldiers, no unsavories will dare to approach ya. It be our civil duty and all, ya know. Right, Murtogg?" the stout naval officer announced.

"Right ya are!" agreed the red haired man full heartedly with hopeful sparks in his eyes..

The pirates turned paler, but it was unsure if this was due to the naval officer's offer or the creeping sound of ripping material going down Ragetti's backside.

"Thank ye, kind sirs," the rotund pirate replied promptly, "but I be certain we can manage on our own, and we be 'atin' to take ye from yer real duties."

"Oh, but we insist," Mullroy added with a winning wink. He hadn't caught a girl this good since Agatha the old wash woman, and she had whiskers, too. He took hold of Pintel's sweating arm into the crook of his arm. The older pirate felt his tea biscuits and ale come up for discussion again.

Murtogg took off his hat and made an elegant bow to his blonde beauty and offered his arm. Any color that was left to the one eyed man's face promptly fled. He made to bow in return to his escort, then changed to a curtsy midway through. He felt the rip run up his back, and he stood up promptly, but the lanky officer noticed nothing but her absolute beauty, as he took his damsel's arm. Some people paused to look at the indecent exposure and whisper gossip, as the two happy pairs headed for their destination.

The guards made cheery small talk, and with a mutual agreement, Murtogg perked up the courage to ask, "'Ey, would you lovely ladies be 'avin' boyfriends about?" he asked, as he shuffled his feet.

Ragetti turned a whiter shade of pale and delivered that fine line of "Uh . . ." yet again.

Pintel swallowed down his tea time snack and popped three straps of his corset.

"We are needin' dates fer Saturday night and all," the red haired guard announced nervously.

"It be a fine ball indeed. It be at the governor's mansion. 'E be celebrating 'is daughter's comin' weddin' and all. A fine young man that blacksmith be," the stockier soldier added.

"And we'd be most honored if ya could . . . would go as our dates," the other concluded.

The two ladies in disguise looked at each other with mutual wide staring eyes. Ragetti was most grateful for the work that Marita had done on that wooden orb of his, so that it would not pop out at this inopportune moment. The stout little "miss" swallowed his pride, popped another strap, and looked squinty eyed at the royal navy's finest.

"Me and me sister 'ere, we will 'ave to consider this matter in private, if ye don't mind," he replied.

"And I really gotta to pee!" Ragetti added.

Pintel shot him a dagger glare, but the line completely passed the lovestruck soldiers by. They nodded heads together, and the stockier guard came forward. He gently took the older pirate's big rough hand and held it to his heart for a moment.

"A lady is entitled to 'ave 'er time to 'erself. Just don't take too long. Me 'eart can't bear to be without ya too long."

"Uh," Pintel replied uncharacteristically. He had been around Ragetti far too long. He snatched his insulted hand away.

The thin officer took his counterpart's hand and gently kissed it. Ragetti could no longer honestly say that he had to go, as the puddle formed at his feet. The "ladies" backed away from their Prince Charmings, and weaved their way in and out of the dock people, until they reached a pier. The younger man wiped his contaminated hand off on his partner's dress. The older man narrowed his eyes at him, and if looks could kill, Pintel would be finishing out this story on his own.

Ignoring the more seasoned man's look, Ragetti held up Murtogg's purse with a smile of pride. "At least the encounter turned out profitable!" he remarked happily.

Pintel nodded and held up Mullroy's purse and two pocket watches.

They both looked around to see if anyone was watching. The coast being clear, Pintel added the guard's cash to his purse. Ragetti started counting the contents of his take, as his partner stared out at the teaming people on the docks. A shadow caught the taller pirate's attention, and he lost count of his stolen money as he looked up at the distraction. He swallowed hard and this time the lump passed by the corset. His eyes grew wide, and he felt his innards freeze solid, as the rest of the coins fell to the water below. He grabbed his smaller friend's shoulder. Irritation rising in him, Pintel turned swiftly on his companion. Although proudly illiterate, he could not mistake the anxiety written on his friend's face nor the trembling unsteady hand that pointed across the water. On a piece of land unto itself was an arch, where hung three rather fresh corpses with the warning "Pirate Be Warned" that Jack Sparrow had seen on his original arrival to the port city. Ragetti bit his lower lip and all moisture fled from his mouth, as he recognized the swaying once able bodies, waltzing their morbid dance in the breeze.

"'Enry, it be Bo'sun, Grapple, and Ketchum," he muttered somberly. Pain washed over him, as he lowered his arm, as he stared fixedly out at the now wasted decaying bodies of his crewmates. "That ain't no way fer a pirate to die."

"Bah! It be only Bo'sun, Grapple, and Ketchum. They ne'er turned us a good 'and," he growled, as he quelled his dread. This was no time for sympathy.

"It could 'ave been us!" the younger remarked, as he choked, as the hysteria rose.

"Well, we can't be dwellin' on their fate or what could 'ave been, else we be joinin' 'em."

The older pirate pulled his friend back into the crowd of people to find their escape.

Two hours later, Mullroy and Murtogg still stood in place waiting for their ladies to return. Women will be women, and they needed time to make up their minds, even if it took a long time. The stockier guard moved to take out his watch from his waistcoat, but it was not there. He gave Murtogg a puzzled hurt look. The red haired soldier found that not only was his watch missing, but so was his purse.

"I don't think those were proper misses," he remarked.

Mullroy hit him.