101 (Dangerous) Ways to Annoy Snape

Parody-of-an-Angel

'what happens when Harry and Ron compile a list of ways to piss of Snape and why is Hermione completing it? SS/HG. List by EnSnared'

Disclaimer – I do not own any characters from Harry Potter. I do not own this list. I did not make it up. It is not mine...........................but I have permission to use it.

THE OWNER OF THE FABULOUS LIST IS EnSnared!!!!!!! Thank you.

I just can't believe how successful his story is at the moment, 24 reviews!!!! I was only expecting like 8

Shout outs to all the people who reviewed chapter 2, it was a really nice surprise to come home to them all. Turns out I wasn't stuck with all these 7 year olds, but the youngest was still 4 years younger then me  but there was also a 15 year old guy so that makes me feel a bit better!

Primax: thanks a lot, I'm glad you though it funny

Catherine: all right, no romance til later! But mark my words there will be some fluff! I did get lots of reviews! BTW, is DimDim one word or two words?

Avery-88: is that a good or bad thing? I'm assuming it's good as you told me to continue

Kaaera: snowboards aren't that scary, well maybe a bit :)

ShinakaStar: ahh, that age old question! Thanks

Evil Pureblood: literally?? Really? Well you don't have to wait much longer, in fact just skip the rest of this AN and go straight to chapter 3 now!

Kerichi: thanks! I didn't break any fingers but the rest of my body is black and blue all over, especially my butt

Miss Elvira: will definitely make him seek revenge, but no just yet. Can you imagine Snape crying?? Weird mental image

Lerenzie: how does that remind you of me? Besides the fact that I'm a retard too. 

Anna-Nanna: thanks so much, sorry it's been a while since I've updated.

(::) Text cookie by Ron's Best Mate

Chapter 3 – in which Snape finds out who Barney is and Hermione goes to detention

¸,ø ¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ ø,¸¸,ø ¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ ø,¸¸,ø ¤º°°º¤¸,ø¤

It was 10 minutes after Hermione had made the Barney comment and Snape had yet to stir from his comatose state held at his spot behind his desk. His face was frozen in an expression of absolute shock and he was halfway through the motion of rising from his chair. All in all, it made for a very amusing picture and if Colin were here, then you would have been sure to hear the clicking of camera shutters.

Blinking, Severus Snape snapped out of his reverie and sank back into his chair. Massaging his temples, he pondered the very weird events of the lesson, specifically one Hermione Granger's behaviour. She had been acting rather odd, even for one of Potter's friends, becoming scarily confident and saying the weirdest things. What exactly was 'Barney' anyway and why did the students find it so funny? Add to that the fact that she had seemed glad when he had given her detention and he had to conclude that she was an enigma wrapped in a riddle or was it the other way round? Shrugging it off, he resolved to ask Dumbledore who or what Barney was later that day.

';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';' ';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';'

Hermione sat down for lunch at the Gryffindor table amidst whispering and stares. Lavender had certainly done her reputation as the biggest gossip in the school proud, as it had been only a couple of hours since Potions, yet somehow everyone seemed to know about her uncharacteristic behaviour. Listening closely, she heard basically everyone on the Gryffindor table speculating on the reason for this, ranging from a crush on Snape to her smoking dope, the last one courtesy of Dean, who was now explaining what exactly it was to the non-muggleborns.

Rolling her eyes at their behaviour, she noticed the other houses doing the exact same thing. Hermione looked over at Harry and Ron, who were biting their lips and looking fit to burst and nearly laughed out loud. They obviously wanted to boast and claim credit for being able to shock Snape, but in order to be able to do that, they would first have to spill the beans on the list, which they couldn't do. Hermione had sworn them to secrecy, threatening them with a slow and painful death if they didn't comply. Still scared of her outburst the night before, they had immediately agreed and signed their names to an enchanted piece of parchment. Nothing would actually happen if they did tell like what she did for the DA, but they didn't know that.

Just then, a group of Ravenclaws decided to wander over to see if the rumours were true. More Hufflepuffs and even a few Slytherins decided to join the group and soon it had built up to about 50 curious students all wanting to know the same thing. Upon reaching Hermione, they all started to speak at once.

"Are the rumours true?"

"What did you wear?"

"Did you really ask Snape if he was Barney in disguise?"

"Did you really have fake teeth?"

"Is it true that you invented the question mark?"

"Why'd you do it?

"Was it a dare?"

Hermione held up both hands, palms outwards to stem the flow of incessant questions being fired at her, before speaking.

"It depends on what the rumours are. I wore a white lab coat and fake teeth. No, I didn't ask Snape if he was Barney in disguise – I asked him if he had ever watched the show. Yes, I did have fake teeth. I'm not sure wether I invented the question mark. I can't tell you why I did it, only that I do not have a crush on Snape and I am not high on dope and no it wasn't a dare," she rattled off, ticking them off on her fingers and answering all the questions in one breath, before taking deep breaths to steady herself.

"I don't believe you," sneered a 6th year Slytherin in a snotty voice. "You're a Gryffindor".

"So what if I'm a Gryffindor?" retorted Hermione. "Ask anyone in my class, they'll all tell you the same thing, except maybe the Slytherins. Besides, I have proof".

"What proof?"

Hermione unzipped her bag and pulled out the costume, putting it on for good measure, teeth, glasses and all and raised her eyebrow.

"That doesn't prove anything, only that you possess an extremely ridiculous costume".

"Why on earth would I buy it if I wasn't going to wear it?" she enquired.

Somewhat sulkily, the Slytherin made his way back over to his table, the others dispersing after a while to spread the new gossip with the rest of their houses, the fact that Hermione actually had done what the rumours claimed and then some spreading like wildfire.

Shrugging at the behaviour of her fellow classmates, Hermione continued eating her lunch in a placid manner, before pulling out the list to see the next task. Grinning like the Cheshire cat, a plan started to formulate in her head featuring underwear and detention and she hurried off to prepare.

';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';' ';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';'

Meanwhile, Snape was on his way up to Dumbledore's office to ask the old fool what Barney was, he was sure to know something like that. His black robes billowing menacingly behind him and a glare fixed on his face made him the epitome of evil. Scowling darkly as he swished his way forwards, he failed to notice the 7th year girl coming straight for him until it was too late. With a loud oomph, she bounced off his chest onto the stone floor, her books and quills scattered around her.

"Miss Granger," he sneered, noticing that she still wore the ridiculous costume that she had had on earlier. "It would be wise to watch where you are going once in a while".

Hermione mumbled something that might have been an apology, but might just as easily have been an insult, which Snape chose to ignore.

"5 points from Gryffindor for failure to comply with the set dress code," he said, glaring at her and superstitiously brushing off his robes as if she might have tainted them somehow.

It was the last thing that annoyed Hermione more, rather then the taking of points as that was only to be expected of Snape. She wasn't contaminated for goodness sakes! Mustering her newfound courage, she lifted her head and glared at him with as much hatred as she dared.

Snape found himself shocked for not the first time that day. The Granger chit had glared at him! Him! She was getting too confident for her own good.

"If you don't watch your tongue little girl, I would gladly extend your detentions to cover a week".

At the 'little girl' bit, Hermione bristled indignantly, but wisely chose to remain silent and glare at the back of Professor Snape's robes as he walked away in the direction of the stone gargoyle.

Gathering herself together, Hermione continued on to her original destination, the common room. Muttering the password, she made her way to her wardrobe and making sure no one was around, started to prepare for tasks 4 and 5, as 3 needed no preparation further preparation.

';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';' ';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';'

Meanwhile, Snape continued his solitary way to the eccentric Headmaster's office. Reaching the gargoyle he drawled out the password that he had last heard it was. "Cauldron cakes". Apparently it had changed once more as the stone statue made no other move then to snicker at him. Sneering, Severus rattled off all the wizard sweets that he knew of, but to no avail.

Resisting the urge to stomp his foot in frustration and scream, he saw the headmaster round the corner and for once in his life felt glad to see the senile old coot.

"Ah, Severus, there you are," he remarked. "I was just looking for you to tell you that the staff meeting this Saturday is cancelled as most staff members will be away".

At least something good had come out of today, Snape thought bitterly. He absolutely hated staff meetings and normally just sat in a corner brooding.

"How unfortunate," he drawled, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Could we perhaps talk in private for a time? There is something that I wish to ask you, which I would not want the students to overhear".

"Of course, Severus my dear boy," smiled Albus in that omniscient way of his as if he knew exactly what Severus wanted to ask him. "Pixie stix," he said and the statue immediately sprung aside to let them clamber onto the moving staircase.

Stepping through the door, which Albus held open for him, he took a seat on one of the armchairs, sinking into it. Following him through, Dumbledore took his seat behind his desk and leaned over, steeping his fingers in a way, which prodded Snape to talk.

"errm," he began uncomfortably. "ThismightsoundabitstrangebutdoyouknowwhoBarneyis?" he asked in a rush.

Apparently though, Dumbledore had understood as he tried, but failed to bite back a smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"Barney is a purple dinosaur Severus," Albus began carefully, not wanting to have Severus blow up at him.

Snape scowled in annoyance. "And?"

"And he's the star of a popular muggle children's show, designed for kids aged 3-6. I believe that Hermione was making a jibe at your immaturity".

"What do you mean my imma...," here Snape paused, before exclaiming. "Hey! How did you know that Hermione said that?"

"Oh, I think you'd be surprised at how much I know," he said, eyes twinkling.

"Oh, I think I'd be surprised if there was anything you didn't know," Snape retorted, fuming that a seventh year Gryffindor had dared to call him immature!

Albus didn't reply and Snape took this as a sign to leave and so he did, storming off to his quarters in a blacker then black mood, thinking of the upcoming detention with the infuriating know-it-all.

';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';' ';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';'

Hermione walked down to the dungeons for detention, her left pocket bulging slightly with something that would be needed for the task 3. Humming quietly to herself, she added a little skip to her step after checking that no one was around to see. She soon reached her destination and confidently knocked on the wooden door, entering upon hearing a muttered "Come in". Snape was sitting behind his desk per usual and seemed to be in a particularly bad mood.

Frowning, she thought of how she could pull off the 3rd task without him suspecting anything and she decided that it all depended on what he was going to get her to do. If it was scrubbing cauldrons, then she would have no chance, but maybe she could pull it off if she was to be making potions for some reason. At that moment, the gods decided to answer her prayers in the form of a curt sentence.

"Tonight, you will be making simple sleeping droughts for the hospitals stockpile," Snape sneered. "I trust that you will be able to handle this without any more cauldrons exploding".

"Yes professor," Hermione replied demurely, trying to look as innocent as possible. Unfortunately, because of her earlier behaviour, this only made Snape more suspicious.

"The ingredients are in the storeroom".

Bending her head over a cauldron, Hermione quickly got to work lighting a magical fire under the cauldron and filling it with water, before going to the storeroom, casting a glance at Snape, who was busy scribbling zeroes on numerous essays.

Padding across the stone slabs, Hermione entered the large storeroom, the shelves filled with a manner of ingredients, some suspended in mid air with a spell, making it look fake and glassy.

Shuddering slightly, Hermione passed by the jars and went straight to the back wall, where she had heard was the entrance to Snape's private quarters. Resisting the urge to spew at the prospect of what she was about to do, she started to look for hidden bricks, but then saw a plain door to her right. Snape had obviously not bothered to ward his domain, as he was still here and why would anyone want to venture in anyway?

Taking a deep breath, now clearly nervous, Hermione reached out and turned the doorknob, half expecting Snape himself to come into the storeroom and demand what she was doing. Thinking of this made her realise that she didn't have much time, so she took another breath before twisting the door open and peering inside.

The décor was typically Slytherin, with green carpet and furniture with silver lining. Where a fire usually resided, the space was empty and looked as if it had been that way for quite a long time. Walking through the hall, Hermione peered into the different rooms, trying to find the one that she needed. She had to practically tear herself away from the doorframe of the library, which had shelves lining all four sides of the room and every space was filled with books. Dragging herself on, she came across the room she was looking for – the bedroom.

Unlike the other rooms she had come across, this one was surprisingly cosy, with a merry fire lit in the fireplace and a luxurious 4-poster bed occupying the middle of the room. True the colour design was Slytherin, but Hermione found herself liking the room more and more.

Snapping out of her observational reverie, Hermione quickly made her way towards the large mahogany wardrobe occupying the left hand corner of the room. With slightly trembling hands, she pulled out the top drawer and peered in, closing it again once she had seen it was only robes.

The next drawer contained shirts and the next pants, so it was with shaking hands that Hermione opened the fourth and last drawer, knowing what must be in it. Underwear and socks. Hurriedly removing her gaze from the pile of black, she dug into her pocket and removed a bright pink item. Hastily throwing it into the drawer, the bright colour contrasting strongly against the deep black, Hermione closed the drawer and breathed a sigh of pure relief.

It was over, all she had to do now was to finish her detention, then go to sleep awaiting his reaction at breakfast, which would surely be worth all the trouble. Smiling, she hurried out and into the storeroom and expertly gathered the needed ingredients, before going back to the now boiling cauldron.

"What took you so long?" enquired Snape bitingly.

"err, I had trouble remembering where the Hemlock was kept," Hermione replied guiltily, she hated having to lie to a teacher, even Snape.

"Hmmmm," he said sceptically, waving it aside.

The rest of detention passed by uneventfully, with Hermione brewing and bottling the potions perfectly, much to Snape's disgust. At long last it was 10pm and Snape had to grudgingly let her go back to Gryffindor tower.

Rubbing his temples, Snape slowly got up and made his way to his quarters, noticing with a slight frown that the wards were down. He could have sworn that he had locked them before coming out. Shrugging it off, he went to his bedroom and fell onto the bed exhausted.

';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';' ';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';';'

Meanwhile, up in his office, the headmaster cocked his head to one side and surveyed Fawkes from behind his spectacles.

"I might retire early today old friend, Severus' wards were certainly strong and I'm just not as young as I used to be".

¸,ø ¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ ø,¸¸,ø ¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ ø,¸¸,ø ¤º°°º¤¸,ø¤

Sorry it's been a while since I've updated, but I've had a lot of h/w. this chapter is a bit longer because of the delay. I just ran a spelling and grammar check so if you notice any mistakes, don't blame me – blame it!

PLEASE REVIEW