Could it be any harder?

Harry was sitting on the lakefront, watching the giant squid sunning itself in the now warm water.

It was the end of the year and he was done with his OWL exams. He was supposed to be all happy and cheery and attend the end-of-the-term feast. However it was out of the question, at least for him.

Harry had a feeling that nothing's going to be the same ever again, never.

He was engrossed in only one thing; in the death of his most beloved godfather Sirius Black.

He couldn't bear the pain he was suffering anymore, he felt as if someone had wrenched his heart out of his body and he was bleeding to death. Nevertheless, he didn't mind, he'd bleed himself dry for Sirius and now when he was gone, nothing mattered anymore.

You left me with goodbye and open arms
A cut so deep I don't deserve
You were always invincible in my eyes
The only thing against us now is time

Harry didn't believe it, or probably didn't want to.

He always saw Sirius as a brave, strong and a matchless man, a man, who was unbeatable.

And now when he was gone he didn't know what to do. He felt like a small vulnerable animal, which was completely clueless. He used to feel so strong when his godfather was near; he knew that besides his friends he had a real family, a family that supported him. And that whatever would happen in the end, he would have the strength to stand up to Voldemort and fight him. To struggle for a better world for him and his dearly loved and respected ones. Scenes from the incident in the Department of Mysteries kept going over and over again in his mind.

Then he remembered the moment when he was leaving the Grimmauld Place during Christmas break.

He wanted Sirius to know how much he loved him ... He didn't want to let him go...

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

A one lonesome tear made its way down his cheek. It was a tear of great sorrow and grief. He couldn't put up with it anymore; he tried so much to look as if everything was all right once more, that he moved on, so everyone would stop worrying about him, however the true reason was that above all, he wanted to persuade himself. Last year, after Cedric's death, he thought that when he touched the bottom, things would get better again. But now, for he knew things didn't go that way, he felt naïve.

I lie down and blind myself with laughter
A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing
And how I wish that I could turn back the hours
But I know I just don't have the power

Harry punch in the sand with all his might. He craved for turning back the time and changing the past, even though he knew he couldn't.

I'd jump at the chance,
We'd drink and we'd dance
And I'd listen close to your every word,
As if it's your last, I know it's your last,
Cause today, oh, you're gone

He was so desperate; he even came to an idea of using Time Turner. But he had no access to it, he remembered what Hermione said about how difficult it was to get one, so he dropped this idea eventually. Something inside him was advising him to drop it, because a man can't change the fate. He let it up for he knew that everything happens for a reason. He didn't know whether it would bring something good or bad, again he knew that it was nothing to brood over right now. All in all, the only thing he longed for was a last conversation with Sirius so he could tell him everything he felt for him.


Like sand on my feet,
The smell of sweet perfume
You stick to me forever
And I wish you didn't go
I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away
To touch you again,
With life in your hands,
It couldn't be any harder.. harder.. harder

"Goodbye Padfoot, I want you to know, that I love you and I will never forget you. You were the best compensation for a parent I could have ever wish for. You will always stay with me in my memories in times when I'll have no one to appeal to. And I swear, I'll fight for a better world, exactly how you, my mum and dad did, so you all could be proud of me. And Padfoot, please, send my love to my parents. No, this is not goodbye, will see each other soon...not now... but soon..."

Author's Note:

So..What do you guys think?Is it worth posting?:-)) Let me know, whether you liked it or not!Thanks!

- shelly