Disclaimer : It's true, I don't own Star Trek. Or Mary-Kate and Ashley. By the way, I'm not Olsen bashing, it just seemed funny at 1 a.m. Maybe it's not. But oh well. I figured I should finish this dumb thing. Viola!

Kirk : My God, that was horrible. Not only was our show delayed for six month due to the fact that our current writer is a lazy wench, we also had to suffer through awful sixties commercials the entire time. Why do you suppose that is?

Spock : Because nobody reviews the author except that James chap and Bug and the people who read her LOTR stuff?

Bones (sarcastically) : Gee, could that be it? Why would you think that? Geeze, you think people would learn.

Kirk : Plot, people, plot. Umm, well, Scotty can't have finished the turbinator yet, could he? So I'll call him and see how he's doing just to make him take longer. The ending will be more dramatic that way. Hey, Mr. Scott! What's up? How's it coming?

Scotty : Eh, the sputnikligig is still busted.

Kirk : I thought the problem was with the turbinator.

Scotty : I meant that.

Bones : And don't you usually have a scottish accent?

Scotty : Shaddap.

Kirk : Mmm-kay.

Chekov : Mr. Scott's a genius sir. There are Klingons out there. (Points at the spiffy window)

Spock (lifts eyebrows): Either that, or he and the Klingons are the only people besides me who ever read the script.

Kirk : Script?

Bones : So that's why you randomly pause in the middle of your dialogue all the time.

Kirk : And that's why you always say stupid things about human life and emotion.

Bones : Touché.

Klingons : Hell-o! We're over here!

Uhura : My god, it's Mary-Kate and Ashley!

Klingon No. 1 : Well, after that whole thing with me being bulimic and all, we were sort of cut out of the acting world.

Klingon No. 2 : dramatic gasp Can you imagine? And us practially doing this since birth.

Klingon No. 1 : Well it's your stupid fault.

Klingon No. 2 : dramatic gasp Was not!

Klingon No. 1 : dramatic gasp Was too!

Klingon No. 2 : dramatic gasp Shut up!

(Catfight ensues as crew watches, more than a little shaken)

Kirk : That was scary.

Spock : Most illogical.

Bones : YOU'RE scary, Mr. Spock.

Spock : Darn tootin'.

Bones : Excuse me?

Spock : I said that the ship's heading for a Nebula.

Bones : Yeah, right.

Spock : It's true, doctor.

Bones : You said "Darn Tootin'."

Spock : Oh, yes, that's true. But wee are heading for a Nebula.

Bones. : Ooooo-kay...

(SPOCK leans over and whispers something in MCCOY'S ear.)

Bones : Er, I mean, No! That's so inhuman Spock.

Chekov : THAT'S what's inhuman. (Points at SPIFFY WINDOW. Klingons are still fighting.)

Bones : Too true. But we're all going to die!

Kirk : I can live with that.

Bones : Cannot. You'll be dead.

Kirk : Oh, you meant me too. Well then. Chekov, get us out of here!

Chekov : Captain, turbinator. Hell-o! (Rolls eyes.)

Kirk : Didn't Scotty fix that darn thing yet?

Scotty : No, laddy.

Bones : You got your accent back.

Scotty : Aye. And if we're gonna avoid that Nebula, Cap'n, we'll need ta get some outside power.

Kirk : (Obliviously) Where?

Scotty : Dunno. (Wanders off)

Bones : My God, Jim, it's late. And the Author wants to go to sleep.

Kirk : I feel snubbed.

Bones : I wonder why? (Rolls eyes)

Kirk : Because nobody will read this story anyway?

Bones : Would you?

Kirk : dramatic gasp Would too!

Bones : dramatic gasp Would not!

Kirk : dramatic gasp Jerk!

Spock : dramatic gasp Shut up!

(Curtain falls, then Scotty runs on stage.)

Scotty : Captain, captain, it's the turbinator! Captain...? Oh, well (wanders off)

If anyone actually reads this, thanks. If you love me, go read my HP story... I actually worked on that one. If you don't love me, too bad.