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THE BEAUTIFUL LUNATIC
by Celena Kanzaki
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It all started when Talon got too old and lazy to deliver Lon Lon milk to the castle, and young Malon had to take over his job. Young Malon, with her red hair down to the backs of her knees, twenty-five years old and still stuck on the old farm without a husband or family, which the local gossips of Hyrule were quick to point out. The ranch girl, who was pretty for a commoner, couldn't just find some peasant to settle down with. Rumor had it that she was waiting for the hero Link to come back to her, but that was near impossible, seeing as how he had moved to the desert to be with his beloved Nabooru.
The first time Malon knocked on the palace door carrying two large crates of cold milk, one of the guards laughed at her. "Where's yer dad?" he asked. "Finally get too lazy for his own good?"
"Guess so," said Malon, trying her hardest not to take offense at the guard's rude statement. No matter what facts proved otherwise, she still refused to believe that her father was a useless slacker like everyone else claimed. Malon believed that everyone had redeeming virtues, you just had to look deep to find them sometimes.
The guard let her pass, and she continued into the castle toward the kitchens. The corridors were cool and clean. This was shaping up to be Malon's favorite part of the voyage to Castle Town, seeing the wealth and splendor of Hyrule Castle. Such things she would never get a chance to truly savor, as she was merely a peasant girl. A member of the lower class, meant to spend day and night working hard on the ranch, sweeping up hay and taking care of horses and cows.
The kitchens were warm and full of scullery maids and cooks bustling about. Malon brought the delivery of milk over to the icebox and settled it in among the other chilled drinks, and then approached the head cook, Imilien.
Imilien smiled, the creases at the corners of her eyes widening. "Thanks," she said contentedly. "Here's your rupees."
Malon put the small sum in her pocket and nodded. "Thank you, ma'am." She quickly got out of the way of the scullery maids and ended up back in the cool marble hallway.
There was an ornate old tapestry on the wall of the corridor that caught Malon's curiosity. She stopped in front of it and marveled at the work that must have gone into creating such a work of art. At the center of the tapestry was the Triforce, woven with golden thread. The Gorons, Zora, Gerudo, Kokiri, Sheikah, and Hylians stood in a circle with joined hands around the ancient relic. Each person was smiling and joyful. It was a wondrous scene, and Malon imagined herself right in the middle of it all, holding the Triforce.
"Beautiful, isn't it?" a voice merely a few inches behind her asked.
Malon jumped. She became even more startled when she realized that the woman who'd said this was the queen, Zelda. Scraping into a curtsy, she felt her cheeks burn red.
"I'm sorry," said Malon, "I don't really have the right to look at that tapestry, do I?"
"As long as you didn't have the intent to steal it, there's no problem," Zelda replied. "Who are you?"
"Oh, I'm Malon. I just started delivering Lon Lon milk here. You probably know who my father is."
Zelda looked indifferent. "Is he the large man who used to stop by the castle every once in a while?"
"Er... yeah, that sounds like him," Malon said.
"I always liked him far better than that Ingo fellow," said Zelda.
Malon laughed nervously. "Yeah, we fired him. He was up to no good, anyway."
"So I've heard. I do try to keep up to date with the commoners' affairs."
Zelda walked away imperiously, and Malon clenched her fists. Why, the queen had no idea of the amount of work it took to survive as a 'commoner.' Waking up before dawn, and then working so hard she fell asleep at sunset.
Malon gave the tapestry one more wistful glance, and strode out of the castle.
x - x - x
The fifth Saturday after Malon and Zelda had their conversation, the queen was waiting for her at the tapestry.
"I was wondering if I might have a word with you," said Zelda. Her blonde hair was piled up in a bun on the back of her head, giving her a very severe and rather unattractive appearance. Eyes which glowed a pewtery blue looked sad that day, as if she were suffering.
Malon inclined her head. "Of course, your Majesty."
"Let's go to the courtyard," Zelda instructed. She took the ranch girl's hand and led her to a grassy meadow with a fountain in the center. "It's very quiet here, and no one can hear us."
Shocked that the queen would even think of touching a dirty peasant such as herself, Malon followed wordlessly. Zelda sat on a set of marble stairs leading up to a group of three windows looking in on the throne room and gestured for Malon to take a seat next to her.
Zelda looked at the fountain with a melancholy expression on her delicate face. "This is where I first met Link. I was ten years old."
Not knowing what to say to a queen, Malon merely nodded.
"And today is the anniversary of my parents' death," said Zelda. "I was thinking... I really ought to do something to distract myself. Being cooped up in this castle is not particularly thrilling."
"Maybe you need to go out and get some fresh air," Malon said. "Go out to Hyrule Field, maybe."
Zelda looked at Malon thoughtfully. "You know, I think you may have the right idea."
The ranch girl shrugged, looking down at her feet. This was so awkward and embarrassing. All she could think about was getting back to the farm and finishing her chores.
"Do you think you could take me out to the countryside?" Zelda asked. "You live on a farm, don't you? Let me see what it's like."
Malon stared. "Why would you want to go out to the ranch?"
"To reconnect with nature," the queen said loftily.
"Er... all right. When do you want to go?"
Zelda smiled. "Today."
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Zelda insisted on riding a white stallion out of Hyrule Castle, and refused to allow any of her attendants to accompany her on the journey to Lon Lon Ranch. She instructed Malon to lead the stallion through town like a servant.
Malon grudgingly obeyed, walking in front of the impatient horse and bringing it to a halt at the stables at the edge of town. There, she found her chestnut mare, Lily, and saddled up.
"Must you insist on riding that foul beast? You can ride side-saddle with me if you'd like," said Zelda.
Malon scowled. "I'm fine, thanks."
Zelda rolled her eyes. "I can fetch another steed from the royal stables."
"No," said Malon, surprised at herself for disobeying the queen. "I'm all set." She mounted Lily and walked her out of the stables.
The two women rode over the drawbridge and then Malon stopped. "Are you sure about this, ma'am?" she asked.
"Very sure," said Zelda. "Take me to the ranch."
Malon grinned and urged Lily into a fast trot. "Then let's go."
Zelda effortlessly brought her stallion up to speed. She was a good rider as well, keeping the horse under obedient control.
The sun was already halfway down the horizon, and in a few hours it would set in the west near Gerudo Valley. Malon wondered how Link was doing with Nabooru and her tribe. Contrary to popular belief, she wasn't still lusting after the green-clad hero. That infatuation had passed long ago. She believed she would find someone eventually---she just didn't know who it would be.
An hour later, the ranch came into view through the gentle afternoon mist that had settled over the field. Zelda was obviously enjoying herself, breathing in the fresh air and commenting frequently on how beautiful everything was.
"You need to get out more, your Highness," Malon said. "Then you can see this beauty every day like I do."
"Please, call me Zelda."
Malon frowned. "I don't think I can do that. It doesn't feel right."
"It's an order."
"All right... Zelda. I'll try to remember that."
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When they arrived at the ranch, Malon took the saddle off Lily and let her roam around the pasture. Zelda was unwilling to allow her stallion to socialize with the other horses, so she tied him to a peg on the side of the barn. He whinnied impatiently, looking as if he wanted nothing more than to run around the field free of his saddle and rider.
"So this is where you live," said Zelda. "It's rather nice."
"Yeah, it is. At least, it's what I'm used to."
Zelda took a feathered fan out of her pocket and cooled herself off. "Is there someplace where I could get a glass of water?"
Malon nodded and led the queen into the farmhouse, feeling so acutely embarrassed that her ears were turning red. How dare this arrogant woman invade her personal space without any warning? It was almost too much to deal with.
The two of them went up the stairs, past the chickens and Talon, who was asleep, up to the living space. The kitchen was a mess. A pile of dirty dishes sat on the table waiting to be washed outside at the water pump, and there was an open bottle of ale upon the counter.
"I'm so sorry about this," said Malon. She hastily cleared a spot for Zelda at the table and bid her to sit down. Zelda wiped the crumbs off of the seat and took a seat daintily, looking so out-of-place in her surroundings in her long, pink, frilly dress that Malon would have laughed had the situation not been so humiliating.
The ranch girl poured a glass of lukewarm water from a bottle next to the sink and handed it to the queen. "Here you go."
Zelda sipped from it, wrinkled her nose, and set it down on the table. Pretending not to notice, Malon took a seat across from her.
"Do you want to see the horses?" Malon asked.
"Not at the moment. Let me catch my breath."
Thinking that it would take a lot more than riding from Castle Town to the ranch to get her out of breath, Malon said nothing. She drummed her fingers on the table and waited for the queen to finish her little break. Zelda continued to fan herself, looking at her surroundings in amazement, as if unable to believe that people actually lived this way.
Standing up slowly, Zelda looked at the two little beds in the corner of the room. "So this is also where you sleep?" she asked, as if that weren't obvious already.
"Yeah," said Malon. "My dad has the bigger bed, and I sleep on that one with the blue quilt."
Zelda sat on the blue bed and looked out the window. "I don't think I could ever get used to the common life."
"Probably not. You're so used to having people do everything for you that working must seem like a completely foreign idea."
Malon clapped her hand over her mouth immediately after saying that, thinking that she would surely be punished for it. Cursing her big mouth, she looked down at her hands.
"Actually," Zelda began, "I do believe you're right. Ever since Ganon was defeated, I haven't had to do anything for myself. I have always had advisors to help me with my duties."
"Maybe you'd be more in touch with the people if you traveled around Hyrule. I'm sure the Zora and the Gorons would enjoy your company," Malon said, lying through her teeth. In truth, she thought the other races were probably sick of their Hylian, elitist queen, and would be happy to see her go.
Zelda nodded her agreement. "Your argument has reason. Come, sit with me."
Confused, Malon took a seat next to Zelda on the bed. "What is it, your High---I mean, Zelda?"
The queen wrapped an arm around the ranch girl. "I'd like to visit the ranch more often."
"Um... sure. Feel free." Malon nearly recoiled at the princess's cold touch.
"We have a lot more in common than you may think, Malon," said Zelda. "We're both single, and we're just about the same age. Most women of our years are married and have children already."
"That's not the life for me," Malon said. "I don't know; I'm just not interested."
Zelda smiled a predatorial grin. "And do you know why you're not interested?"
"I guess not."
"I think you do know. I think you have the same reasons I do."
"Which are...?"
"Oh, for Din's sake, Malon, do I have to explain this out to you?" Zelda asked. "I prefer women, and so do you."
Malon raised an eyebrow. "And how did you figure this out?"
"I think it's obvious," said the queen. "The way you carry yourself like a man. The way you never bothered to get married. I can simply tell. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes," Malon said, "you do."
They sat in silence for a moment, Zelda thinking of idealized notions of Sapphic love, and Malon thinking what a lunatic this queen really was. A beautiful lunatic, that was for sure, but crazy all the same.
"I'd like to kiss you," Zelda said conversationally.
Malon felt like her jaw would drop to the floor. "What in the hell is wrong with you, your Highness?"
Zelda looked deeply hurt. A single tear slipped out of one of her crystalline blue eyes. "I can't help it. I'm lonely."
"Well, I guess..."
"No," Zelda said, standing up, "it's all right. I'll be leaving now."
"But you haven't gotten a chance to see the horses---"
"It wasn't the horses that interested me in the first place, Malon. It was you."
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Malon continued to deliver milk to the castle, but never again did she see Zelda standing by the tapestry.
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THE END