Beautiful Disaster
(Matthew Wilder, Rebekah Jordan)
© Wilder Kingdom Music (ASCAP)/Ribbit Music/Famous Music (BMI)
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's a damned as he seems
More Heaven than a heart could hold
And if I tried to save him
My whole world could cave in
Just ain't right
Just ain't right
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
If I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster
He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight
Chorus
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waiting so long
He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Chorus
Chapter 15
Anger. Sympathy.
Distrust. Compassion.
Confusion.
All of these had become Narnia's companions. No one of them stood alone. They were all bonded in some respect.
When she had decided to come to Hogwarts, to aid her uncle, her purpose had been black and white, so clear. No thought had been given to other encounters along the way. There would have been no way for her to know that the heart she had kept guarded for so long, so many years, would have been shattered in such a short span of time.
Since her initial meeting with the Order of the Phoenix, Narnia had spent most of her time, outside of classes, alone, trying to regain the firm footing she once seemed to have in her life. Everything around her felt as if it was spinning out of control and it was unacceptable for it to continue.
Two weeks had passed since Molly had made mention of Snape's past. She had not spoken with him, had not continued her study with him, and had arrived at no conclusion as to how she should approach him or if she should. Neither was she certain that he had understood her meaning in the corridor that night. Addressing the matter would inevitably make the situation worse.
He had not acted any differently, but she had expected as much from him. Rarely did she see him outside of the Great Hall. Meals were excruciating. She found it hard to eat, when from the corner of her eye, she could see his hands gracefully tending the food before them and she would recall the way his hands had gently caressed her skin. This haunted her along with thoughts of what could have taken place between them, if she had welcomed his advances. Absorbing as the thought happened to be, she was torn between mistrust and her feelings for him. Had she allowed such an intimate connection with him, she could be feeling much worse at present, so much more harm could have been done. Despite what they appeared to be, she could not guess what his true intentions had been upon their return to Hogwarts that evening, but she wondered if her quick friendship with Lupin had spurred him to behave as he had. Jealousy could have been a factor, but she was more inclined to believe she was simply a new pawn in the on- going rivalry from their schooldays.
Then, there was the matter of his servitude to Voldemort. Thinking of what he had been witness to, what he had been asked to do, caused her to tremble. He was damaged more than she could have guessed. She could look past old regrets. Her concern was the here and now. What was his current position? Molly had expressed disbelief, but simultaneously spoke of Dumbledore's faith in Snape. Narnia had struggled with going to her uncle on the matter, not arriving at any decision, until one afternoon afforded her the opportunity.
Colder weather had slowly been creeping into the grounds of Hogwarts. November had arrived, therefore signaling the onset of gloomy winter days and Narnia had been delighted to awake to the warm rays of sun on her face, a most fitting way to end a full night's rest. Being a Saturday, with no classes and no Quidditch scheduled, she could grab some breakfast a little later than usual and spend some time walking about the grounds. As she was making her way outside, her uncle appeared in the entryway from a side door.
"Ah, Narnia," Dumbledore began, making his way towards her. "I was on my way out, for a stroll. Would you care to join me?"
"I was just about to ask you the same. Shall we?"
Dumbledore returned Narnia's smile and led her out onto the grounds. Students were scattered her and there, adjusting their behavior to the newly present Headmaster and DADA professor.
"I regret that we haven't been able to sit down and chat since the meeting of the Order."
"Uncle, I am aware that you're extremely busy. There is so much that demands your attention."
"That is undeniably true." In looking at her uncle, his stress was visible throughout his features. "It is my hope that you are more at ease after meeting with some of the others."
"Yes, I'm much more comfortable with things now. Though diverse, they are truly a wonderful group of wizards and witches."
"Again, undeniable. They were equally impressed with you. Molly repeatedly spoke of how grateful she was for your help."
"I was glad to be of some assistance."
They continued their slow pace around the grounds, in momentary silence, before Dumbledore spoke again.
"Molly also informed that she had unknowingly been the first to make you aware of Professor Snape's past service to Voldemort." Narnia diverted her attention to the ground, before acknowledging. Apparently the Headmaster had been as eager to speak with her on the matter as she had been with him. The subject was out in the open and there would be no way around it now.
"Yes, she did. It was....quite a surprise," she replied. All of her thoughts on the issue seemed to jam together and she wondered if she'd be able to speak about it in no more than three or four word sentences.
"I think Molly was worried that she had frightened you. She had mentioned it to me after you had left and immediately, I understood the reasoning behind the confusion I had seen on your face right before you departed."
Narnia had not yet discussed what had taken place that evening with anyone and though she was somewhat resistant to speak on the matter, she felt the burden of it lifting. She didn't know where to begin, partially afraid that if she opened her mouth to speak, she would burst into tears.
"It didn't frighten me. It did upset me, but I was never frightened." Taking a slow, deep breath, she was thankful to say it out loud. "Why wasn't I told, when apparently others are aware? Why didn't he tell me?" The questions came out quickly and more strongly than had been her intention.
Dumbledore stopped and faced her, but she continued to stare at the ground. "My dear niece, I believe you have known Severus long enough now to know that he keeps himself quite guarded. It has never been anyone's story to tell but his and anyone privy to the details of his past has been made so by him. I doubt that Molly and the others know little more than what has already been relayed to you. It isn't exactly the easiest topic to discuss, even though he tries to appear emotionally detached. Surely you can see that."
Narnia shook her head in agreement. Dumbledore took Narnia's hand, placed it around his arm and continued their walk.
"I know you have come to care a great deal for him, Narnia."
Narnia felt her face flush, surprised at her uncle's statement.
"I also know, that not unlike Severus, you have a hard time placing trust in others. You have been let down by some very dear people in your life and it's understandable that you would be feeling this way right now."
Narnia thought of her father, sure that he was the person Dumbledore was alluding to.
"However, we cannot let one disappointment, here and there, get in the way of our friendships and relationships. Otherwise, we would all live by ourselves and be quite miserable."
Narnia thought of Snape, alone in the dungeons and a twinge of guilt swept through her for how she had been selfishly reacting over the past weeks.
"You have complete faith in him, don't you?" It was more of a statement than a question.
"He has given no reason for me to believe otherwise. Any person who willingly puts himself or herself at risk for what is good and just in this world, will always have my full confidence."
Dumbledore and Narnia were nearing the school, when her uncle slowed their gait, offering his final thoughts.
Dumbledore began, hesitantly, as if choosing each word carefully, "If there has been any reason behind my discussing this with you, it has been to keep you from walking away so quickly. Most people tolerate Severus' idiosyncrasies, while few understand them. I have watched you resist his attempts at distancing himself in a manner that, I believe, is having some effect. Usually when he pushes, no one pushes back, yet you have done so. I think he is counting on you to remain upset and distanced so he can return to his realm of comfort. This may be an instance where '...it would be good practice for him to find himself mistaken....'"
The Headmaster glanced over at Narnia, his blue eyes sparkling through his half-moon spectacles. Narnia grinned, recalling what she had said, feeling as if that day in her uncle's office had been so long ago.
"When you agreed to the potions tutorials, you offered him the opportunity to develop his confidence in you. I hope you would allow him the same luxury."
Any progress that she had made with Snape to this point was undoubtedly devastated now. A way to approach him was difficult to derive, but after speaking with Dumbledore, she felt more encouraged to make an attempt. Her uncle had been right, to no surprise, that Snape did deserve the chance to gain her trust. He had done no less for her. Without a doubt, he would be more difficult to deal with now than he had ever been, but she would have to bear it. She would just have to exercise a bit more caution where her heart was concerned.
Arriving back inside the castle, Dumbledore turned to face Narnia, taking her hands in his. "I must return to some matters in my office, but I thank you for humoring an old man in need of stretching his legs."
Narnia was sure that her uncle could have sprinted around the grounds if he had intended to. Stress and worry were taking their toll, but she did not count him as frail and feeble yet.
"I believe I was the major beneficiary, Uncle. However, anytime you'd like a stroll, I would be more than happy to oblige."
"Very well." He stepped in to kiss her on the forehead and added. "It is good to see a smile on your face again, my dear."
Narnia watched as he walked away, sighing, feeling a sense of relief she hadn't felt in some time. Deciding to return to her room, she took several steps before she slowed and stop to face the corridors leading to the dungeons. She glanced back towards the direction of her room and then again to the path leading to Snape's office. Squaring her shoulders, standing tall, and rallying all her waning confidence, she headed for the bowels of the castle.
Thanks to everyone who keeps posting reviews: Kemenran, Rycca W., Jade, Serica, and crazy-lil-nae-nae. The support and encouragement is addictive and motivating. Thanks!
Rycca W.-- I hope I've cleared up your confusion, with this chapter, by reinforcing Narnia's conflicting emotions. I greatly appreciated your last review, because it caused me to stop and reflect, a practice I need to use more often. It's so alluring to upload a chapter as quickly as you've written it without waiting to write several to see how it all fits together. I'm hoping that it was hard to decide what Narnia was feeling simply because she (Narnia) didn't know and not just bad writing.
(Matthew Wilder, Rebekah Jordan)
© Wilder Kingdom Music (ASCAP)/Ribbit Music/Famous Music (BMI)
He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's a damned as he seems
More Heaven than a heart could hold
And if I tried to save him
My whole world could cave in
Just ain't right
Just ain't right
Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
If I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful
Or just a beautiful disaster
He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight
Chorus
I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waiting so long
He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the ends he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take
Chorus
Chapter 15
Anger. Sympathy.
Distrust. Compassion.
Confusion.
All of these had become Narnia's companions. No one of them stood alone. They were all bonded in some respect.
When she had decided to come to Hogwarts, to aid her uncle, her purpose had been black and white, so clear. No thought had been given to other encounters along the way. There would have been no way for her to know that the heart she had kept guarded for so long, so many years, would have been shattered in such a short span of time.
Since her initial meeting with the Order of the Phoenix, Narnia had spent most of her time, outside of classes, alone, trying to regain the firm footing she once seemed to have in her life. Everything around her felt as if it was spinning out of control and it was unacceptable for it to continue.
Two weeks had passed since Molly had made mention of Snape's past. She had not spoken with him, had not continued her study with him, and had arrived at no conclusion as to how she should approach him or if she should. Neither was she certain that he had understood her meaning in the corridor that night. Addressing the matter would inevitably make the situation worse.
He had not acted any differently, but she had expected as much from him. Rarely did she see him outside of the Great Hall. Meals were excruciating. She found it hard to eat, when from the corner of her eye, she could see his hands gracefully tending the food before them and she would recall the way his hands had gently caressed her skin. This haunted her along with thoughts of what could have taken place between them, if she had welcomed his advances. Absorbing as the thought happened to be, she was torn between mistrust and her feelings for him. Had she allowed such an intimate connection with him, she could be feeling much worse at present, so much more harm could have been done. Despite what they appeared to be, she could not guess what his true intentions had been upon their return to Hogwarts that evening, but she wondered if her quick friendship with Lupin had spurred him to behave as he had. Jealousy could have been a factor, but she was more inclined to believe she was simply a new pawn in the on- going rivalry from their schooldays.
Then, there was the matter of his servitude to Voldemort. Thinking of what he had been witness to, what he had been asked to do, caused her to tremble. He was damaged more than she could have guessed. She could look past old regrets. Her concern was the here and now. What was his current position? Molly had expressed disbelief, but simultaneously spoke of Dumbledore's faith in Snape. Narnia had struggled with going to her uncle on the matter, not arriving at any decision, until one afternoon afforded her the opportunity.
Colder weather had slowly been creeping into the grounds of Hogwarts. November had arrived, therefore signaling the onset of gloomy winter days and Narnia had been delighted to awake to the warm rays of sun on her face, a most fitting way to end a full night's rest. Being a Saturday, with no classes and no Quidditch scheduled, she could grab some breakfast a little later than usual and spend some time walking about the grounds. As she was making her way outside, her uncle appeared in the entryway from a side door.
"Ah, Narnia," Dumbledore began, making his way towards her. "I was on my way out, for a stroll. Would you care to join me?"
"I was just about to ask you the same. Shall we?"
Dumbledore returned Narnia's smile and led her out onto the grounds. Students were scattered her and there, adjusting their behavior to the newly present Headmaster and DADA professor.
"I regret that we haven't been able to sit down and chat since the meeting of the Order."
"Uncle, I am aware that you're extremely busy. There is so much that demands your attention."
"That is undeniably true." In looking at her uncle, his stress was visible throughout his features. "It is my hope that you are more at ease after meeting with some of the others."
"Yes, I'm much more comfortable with things now. Though diverse, they are truly a wonderful group of wizards and witches."
"Again, undeniable. They were equally impressed with you. Molly repeatedly spoke of how grateful she was for your help."
"I was glad to be of some assistance."
They continued their slow pace around the grounds, in momentary silence, before Dumbledore spoke again.
"Molly also informed that she had unknowingly been the first to make you aware of Professor Snape's past service to Voldemort." Narnia diverted her attention to the ground, before acknowledging. Apparently the Headmaster had been as eager to speak with her on the matter as she had been with him. The subject was out in the open and there would be no way around it now.
"Yes, she did. It was....quite a surprise," she replied. All of her thoughts on the issue seemed to jam together and she wondered if she'd be able to speak about it in no more than three or four word sentences.
"I think Molly was worried that she had frightened you. She had mentioned it to me after you had left and immediately, I understood the reasoning behind the confusion I had seen on your face right before you departed."
Narnia had not yet discussed what had taken place that evening with anyone and though she was somewhat resistant to speak on the matter, she felt the burden of it lifting. She didn't know where to begin, partially afraid that if she opened her mouth to speak, she would burst into tears.
"It didn't frighten me. It did upset me, but I was never frightened." Taking a slow, deep breath, she was thankful to say it out loud. "Why wasn't I told, when apparently others are aware? Why didn't he tell me?" The questions came out quickly and more strongly than had been her intention.
Dumbledore stopped and faced her, but she continued to stare at the ground. "My dear niece, I believe you have known Severus long enough now to know that he keeps himself quite guarded. It has never been anyone's story to tell but his and anyone privy to the details of his past has been made so by him. I doubt that Molly and the others know little more than what has already been relayed to you. It isn't exactly the easiest topic to discuss, even though he tries to appear emotionally detached. Surely you can see that."
Narnia shook her head in agreement. Dumbledore took Narnia's hand, placed it around his arm and continued their walk.
"I know you have come to care a great deal for him, Narnia."
Narnia felt her face flush, surprised at her uncle's statement.
"I also know, that not unlike Severus, you have a hard time placing trust in others. You have been let down by some very dear people in your life and it's understandable that you would be feeling this way right now."
Narnia thought of her father, sure that he was the person Dumbledore was alluding to.
"However, we cannot let one disappointment, here and there, get in the way of our friendships and relationships. Otherwise, we would all live by ourselves and be quite miserable."
Narnia thought of Snape, alone in the dungeons and a twinge of guilt swept through her for how she had been selfishly reacting over the past weeks.
"You have complete faith in him, don't you?" It was more of a statement than a question.
"He has given no reason for me to believe otherwise. Any person who willingly puts himself or herself at risk for what is good and just in this world, will always have my full confidence."
Dumbledore and Narnia were nearing the school, when her uncle slowed their gait, offering his final thoughts.
Dumbledore began, hesitantly, as if choosing each word carefully, "If there has been any reason behind my discussing this with you, it has been to keep you from walking away so quickly. Most people tolerate Severus' idiosyncrasies, while few understand them. I have watched you resist his attempts at distancing himself in a manner that, I believe, is having some effect. Usually when he pushes, no one pushes back, yet you have done so. I think he is counting on you to remain upset and distanced so he can return to his realm of comfort. This may be an instance where '...it would be good practice for him to find himself mistaken....'"
The Headmaster glanced over at Narnia, his blue eyes sparkling through his half-moon spectacles. Narnia grinned, recalling what she had said, feeling as if that day in her uncle's office had been so long ago.
"When you agreed to the potions tutorials, you offered him the opportunity to develop his confidence in you. I hope you would allow him the same luxury."
Any progress that she had made with Snape to this point was undoubtedly devastated now. A way to approach him was difficult to derive, but after speaking with Dumbledore, she felt more encouraged to make an attempt. Her uncle had been right, to no surprise, that Snape did deserve the chance to gain her trust. He had done no less for her. Without a doubt, he would be more difficult to deal with now than he had ever been, but she would have to bear it. She would just have to exercise a bit more caution where her heart was concerned.
Arriving back inside the castle, Dumbledore turned to face Narnia, taking her hands in his. "I must return to some matters in my office, but I thank you for humoring an old man in need of stretching his legs."
Narnia was sure that her uncle could have sprinted around the grounds if he had intended to. Stress and worry were taking their toll, but she did not count him as frail and feeble yet.
"I believe I was the major beneficiary, Uncle. However, anytime you'd like a stroll, I would be more than happy to oblige."
"Very well." He stepped in to kiss her on the forehead and added. "It is good to see a smile on your face again, my dear."
Narnia watched as he walked away, sighing, feeling a sense of relief she hadn't felt in some time. Deciding to return to her room, she took several steps before she slowed and stop to face the corridors leading to the dungeons. She glanced back towards the direction of her room and then again to the path leading to Snape's office. Squaring her shoulders, standing tall, and rallying all her waning confidence, she headed for the bowels of the castle.
Thanks to everyone who keeps posting reviews: Kemenran, Rycca W., Jade, Serica, and crazy-lil-nae-nae. The support and encouragement is addictive and motivating. Thanks!
Rycca W.-- I hope I've cleared up your confusion, with this chapter, by reinforcing Narnia's conflicting emotions. I greatly appreciated your last review, because it caused me to stop and reflect, a practice I need to use more often. It's so alluring to upload a chapter as quickly as you've written it without waiting to write several to see how it all fits together. I'm hoping that it was hard to decide what Narnia was feeling simply because she (Narnia) didn't know and not just bad writing.