I apologize for taking so long to post a new chapter. February and March
have been hectic for me, plus, I've tried to take some time thinking
through Narnia's and Severus' discussion. I hope you enjoy it!
One may need to reread Chapter 15 to see where we left off.
Chapter 16
On her way to the dungeons, Narnia met no one and was grateful. If anyone had passed her, they would have certainly deemed her unhinged. She had tried to subdue it through the years, however, expressing herself while keeping her hands calm always felt confined. So, as several thoughts kept colliding in her mind, her arms and hands were visibly displaying the conflict. She knew if she waited to speak with Snape, she never would, crawling back into her own security blanket. No, she had to do this now. It was imperative. The thought escaped her of where she would begin, but she'd have to think of something.
Standing in front of his office door, she hesitated before knocking, hoping to gather some shred of poise before entering. Lifting her hand, the door opened and she expected to see the residing professor standing on the other side, scowling at her. A tall and slender Draco Malfoy almost bumped into her as he left Snape's office. Looking at her, he narrowed his eyes and a menacing grin registered on his face. He walked past her and left the corridor. He was only a student, one she did not feel threatened by, however hard he tried to come across as intimidating. She never took him or his connections lighty, though. His father was currently in Azkaban for service to Voldemort and this crossed her thoughts each time she encountered Draco, hoping against all hope that he would come to see the gravity of his father's choices and that he would take a better path.
Having an effect on the young man was a daily challenge, but currently she had another task to tackle. Draco had neglected to close the door completely following his exit and she peered inside before entering. Snape was standing, back towards the door, arms crossed, apparently deep in thought. Narnia wondered of the topic of his conversation with young Malfoy, but quickly dismissed her mind's inquisitiveness. Remembering why she was standing outside his office, she lightly tapped on the door.
"Here goes," she thought, resignedly.
"Enter," came the low growl and grasping the door handle, Narnia stepped inside, making sure the door closed behind her.
Turning around, she noticed that Snape had changed his position of a moment ago and was now leaning against his desk, arms crossed and one eyebrow raised in question. Shyness and caution would not benefit her, so she returned his stare, and opened her mouth to speak, not knowing what would come out, if anything, and she hoped if the words did find their way across her tongue, they would at least make sense. If this had been the first time in his office, she may have felt its intimidation, but as it was, she felt relaxed in the room. Only the occupant was currently causing her any discomfort.
"If this is a bad time, I can come back."
Snape made no reply or change in demeanor. He knew why she was here, she was sure, having previous encounters with her conscience and she guessed that this conversation would always be unwelcomed, but since he didn't immediately boot her out of his office, she pressed on, leaving small talk for another time and place.
The silence was infinite before she heard herself speak again. "You could have told me," she began, crossing her arms, as if to sturdy herself for his reply.
"I fail to see where it is any of your concern," he retorted. He stood and walked over to Narnia, causing her nerves to spike.
"Point taken," she thought. Sensing his anger, she hesitated to discuss this further, but knew she had to. He was close enough for her to reach out and touch, part of her wanting to do nothing more than pull him near and hold him. Before she could continue, Snape spoke and the threatening tone of his voice alarmed her. As he was speaking, he slowly backed her into the door, much in the same way he had only weeks ago outside her rooms. This time was quite different however and Narnia doubted she could gain any kind of advantage now.
"Understand this, Professor, and make note of it for any future lapses." His words came harshly through gritted teeth. "I do not want or need your pity."
In some small way, he was correct on how she had been feeling during the past two weeks, but it was apparent to her that he was unaware of what truly had been bothering her and she knew if she didn't take the opportunity to tell him, she'd never have it again.
Hoping to ease the tension and not provoke him into a rage, she began in a gentle voice, a slight falter in it. "Severus, I have not come down here to offer pity and please do not confuse that with concern." He prepared to speak again, but Narnia raised her hand to quiet him, lightly touching his lips. She expected him to jerk away, but instead his manner seemed to take on a confused nature. Her eyes and fingers lingered on his mouth for a moment before she dropped her hand back to her side and looked at him again.
"Please, hear me out. I believe there has been some misunderstanding and I will try to explain my actions and myself properly. I will be forthright and honest in saying that hearing about your former loyalties was a slight shock, but it was nothing compared to realizing that you had not come to trust me enough to tell me yourself. As you have justly stated, it is not my right to know. It has been my mistake to feel I deserve that level of honesty from you and I apologize."
"Yes, your mistake indeed." His scowl had returned. "Is it common practice for you to see others' full confidences owed to you while you do not give the same luxury in return?"
Currently, it was Narnia's turn to be confused.
"Since we are being so 'forthright and honest' with one another, perhaps you would like to share the reasons why you are avoiding sleep and taking to your office or wandering about the castle at all hours of the night?" Snape lowered his head to one side, as if in challenge and waited for her answer.
Narnia looked away, to the floor, the desk, the wall, anywhere but directly at him. He had apparently kept his promise to "keep a watchful eye" and more to the point, he supplied a direct hit. He was right. Despite her desire to leave his office and his close proximity, her feet seemed rooted to the floor and her body pinned to the wall under his glare. Knowing at some point she would have to, she looked back at him.
"I have......", she knew how ridiculous this would sound, but there was no other way to explain, "......bad dreams." She had never indulged this information to anyone, and even amidst the current circumstance, she didn't plan to. Her simple statement was more than enough.
Snape seemed amused at her justification. "Ah, of course. How asinine of me to think otherwise." His sarcasm did not pass by unnoticed and his anger seemed to be bubbling again, just below the surface. "If you expect me to believe...."
Narnia cut him off. "Believe what you will, but it is the truth. It is not the complete truth, but it is all I will offer you at present."
He eyed her intently, as if to search her thoughts. She knew what game he was playing.
"You won't be able to, no matter how hard you try."
Snape gave her a look as if to say, "Oh really?"
"I may not be very adept at penetrating others' minds, but it has been a rare occasion that anyone has been able to break into my own."
He stared at her, momentarily, before stepping away. "I have matters that demand my attention."
Narnia decided that it was best to leave the situation at its present state. She felt no resolution, but neither did their discussion end severely. She placed her hand on the doorknob, wishing to say more, but replied with a simple, "very well." Before exiting, she glanced back to see that Snape had returned to his desk and was searching through several pieces of parchment. She closed the door quietly behind her.
Along the passages to her own office, she thought again of their discussion. She felt somewhat relieved to have talked it over with Snape, but whether or not she felt better or worse for it, she could not tell. There were many things she wanted to discuss with him, one being how close she had come to inviting him into her room that night, but the intense state of his emotions had surprised her, as well as the curveball he had thrown about her late night excursions. Reaching her office, she sat down opposite the hearth and pulled a stack of assignments into her lap to grade. Shelving thoughts of a more personal nature in the back of her mind, she grabbed her quill and began her evaluations.
One may need to reread Chapter 15 to see where we left off.
Chapter 16
On her way to the dungeons, Narnia met no one and was grateful. If anyone had passed her, they would have certainly deemed her unhinged. She had tried to subdue it through the years, however, expressing herself while keeping her hands calm always felt confined. So, as several thoughts kept colliding in her mind, her arms and hands were visibly displaying the conflict. She knew if she waited to speak with Snape, she never would, crawling back into her own security blanket. No, she had to do this now. It was imperative. The thought escaped her of where she would begin, but she'd have to think of something.
Standing in front of his office door, she hesitated before knocking, hoping to gather some shred of poise before entering. Lifting her hand, the door opened and she expected to see the residing professor standing on the other side, scowling at her. A tall and slender Draco Malfoy almost bumped into her as he left Snape's office. Looking at her, he narrowed his eyes and a menacing grin registered on his face. He walked past her and left the corridor. He was only a student, one she did not feel threatened by, however hard he tried to come across as intimidating. She never took him or his connections lighty, though. His father was currently in Azkaban for service to Voldemort and this crossed her thoughts each time she encountered Draco, hoping against all hope that he would come to see the gravity of his father's choices and that he would take a better path.
Having an effect on the young man was a daily challenge, but currently she had another task to tackle. Draco had neglected to close the door completely following his exit and she peered inside before entering. Snape was standing, back towards the door, arms crossed, apparently deep in thought. Narnia wondered of the topic of his conversation with young Malfoy, but quickly dismissed her mind's inquisitiveness. Remembering why she was standing outside his office, she lightly tapped on the door.
"Here goes," she thought, resignedly.
"Enter," came the low growl and grasping the door handle, Narnia stepped inside, making sure the door closed behind her.
Turning around, she noticed that Snape had changed his position of a moment ago and was now leaning against his desk, arms crossed and one eyebrow raised in question. Shyness and caution would not benefit her, so she returned his stare, and opened her mouth to speak, not knowing what would come out, if anything, and she hoped if the words did find their way across her tongue, they would at least make sense. If this had been the first time in his office, she may have felt its intimidation, but as it was, she felt relaxed in the room. Only the occupant was currently causing her any discomfort.
"If this is a bad time, I can come back."
Snape made no reply or change in demeanor. He knew why she was here, she was sure, having previous encounters with her conscience and she guessed that this conversation would always be unwelcomed, but since he didn't immediately boot her out of his office, she pressed on, leaving small talk for another time and place.
The silence was infinite before she heard herself speak again. "You could have told me," she began, crossing her arms, as if to sturdy herself for his reply.
"I fail to see where it is any of your concern," he retorted. He stood and walked over to Narnia, causing her nerves to spike.
"Point taken," she thought. Sensing his anger, she hesitated to discuss this further, but knew she had to. He was close enough for her to reach out and touch, part of her wanting to do nothing more than pull him near and hold him. Before she could continue, Snape spoke and the threatening tone of his voice alarmed her. As he was speaking, he slowly backed her into the door, much in the same way he had only weeks ago outside her rooms. This time was quite different however and Narnia doubted she could gain any kind of advantage now.
"Understand this, Professor, and make note of it for any future lapses." His words came harshly through gritted teeth. "I do not want or need your pity."
In some small way, he was correct on how she had been feeling during the past two weeks, but it was apparent to her that he was unaware of what truly had been bothering her and she knew if she didn't take the opportunity to tell him, she'd never have it again.
Hoping to ease the tension and not provoke him into a rage, she began in a gentle voice, a slight falter in it. "Severus, I have not come down here to offer pity and please do not confuse that with concern." He prepared to speak again, but Narnia raised her hand to quiet him, lightly touching his lips. She expected him to jerk away, but instead his manner seemed to take on a confused nature. Her eyes and fingers lingered on his mouth for a moment before she dropped her hand back to her side and looked at him again.
"Please, hear me out. I believe there has been some misunderstanding and I will try to explain my actions and myself properly. I will be forthright and honest in saying that hearing about your former loyalties was a slight shock, but it was nothing compared to realizing that you had not come to trust me enough to tell me yourself. As you have justly stated, it is not my right to know. It has been my mistake to feel I deserve that level of honesty from you and I apologize."
"Yes, your mistake indeed." His scowl had returned. "Is it common practice for you to see others' full confidences owed to you while you do not give the same luxury in return?"
Currently, it was Narnia's turn to be confused.
"Since we are being so 'forthright and honest' with one another, perhaps you would like to share the reasons why you are avoiding sleep and taking to your office or wandering about the castle at all hours of the night?" Snape lowered his head to one side, as if in challenge and waited for her answer.
Narnia looked away, to the floor, the desk, the wall, anywhere but directly at him. He had apparently kept his promise to "keep a watchful eye" and more to the point, he supplied a direct hit. He was right. Despite her desire to leave his office and his close proximity, her feet seemed rooted to the floor and her body pinned to the wall under his glare. Knowing at some point she would have to, she looked back at him.
"I have......", she knew how ridiculous this would sound, but there was no other way to explain, "......bad dreams." She had never indulged this information to anyone, and even amidst the current circumstance, she didn't plan to. Her simple statement was more than enough.
Snape seemed amused at her justification. "Ah, of course. How asinine of me to think otherwise." His sarcasm did not pass by unnoticed and his anger seemed to be bubbling again, just below the surface. "If you expect me to believe...."
Narnia cut him off. "Believe what you will, but it is the truth. It is not the complete truth, but it is all I will offer you at present."
He eyed her intently, as if to search her thoughts. She knew what game he was playing.
"You won't be able to, no matter how hard you try."
Snape gave her a look as if to say, "Oh really?"
"I may not be very adept at penetrating others' minds, but it has been a rare occasion that anyone has been able to break into my own."
He stared at her, momentarily, before stepping away. "I have matters that demand my attention."
Narnia decided that it was best to leave the situation at its present state. She felt no resolution, but neither did their discussion end severely. She placed her hand on the doorknob, wishing to say more, but replied with a simple, "very well." Before exiting, she glanced back to see that Snape had returned to his desk and was searching through several pieces of parchment. She closed the door quietly behind her.
Along the passages to her own office, she thought again of their discussion. She felt somewhat relieved to have talked it over with Snape, but whether or not she felt better or worse for it, she could not tell. There were many things she wanted to discuss with him, one being how close she had come to inviting him into her room that night, but the intense state of his emotions had surprised her, as well as the curveball he had thrown about her late night excursions. Reaching her office, she sat down opposite the hearth and pulled a stack of assignments into her lap to grade. Shelving thoughts of a more personal nature in the back of her mind, she grabbed her quill and began her evaluations.