Time passed. Despite a number of close calls, Alex and Lister kept their secret and, as far as they knew, nobody even suspected them. It had occurred to Lister once or twice to wonder exactly where this was going. Officially they were still only friends – just friends who were engaging in sexual activity on an almost daily basis. They hadn't talked about it, but Lister suspected that if either of them did suddenly find themselves a girlfriend, it might cause rather more trouble – and jealousy – than either of them were willing to admit. Perhaps in some ways, it was fortunate that it was a theory that ultimately they never had to test.
Lister was at the end of his shift when a message came through on his pager. He recognised the number as Alex's immediately, but was puzzled, and a little worried by the message. We need to talk. Whatever it was, it had to be important. Alex knew what time he finished work and would normally have waited until he knew Lister would be back in his quarters and messaged him there. He paged him back, saying he'd come right over as soon as his shift finished. He had a vaguely uneasy feeling in his stomach. When somebody said 'we need to talk' it was rarely good news.
Once he'd put his stuff away for the night, he made his way straight to Alex's quarters and let himself in. "Hello?" Alex was inside, pacing the room, and the smile that he met him with was warm...but not entirely right. "Hey." Lister heard tension in his voice just in that one word. "Are you okay?" he asked tentatively.
"Yeah, yeah," Alex reassured him, "It's just...there's something we need to talk about."
They sat down together on the sofa. "You know I told you a while back that I'd applied to the captain to go out on one of the scout missions?" Alex said.
"Yeah, I remember."
"Well, I heard back from him today. There's space for me on the next shuttle if I want it." Lister beamed,
"That's fantastic! You must be thrilled, man!"
"It'll be leaving on Friday night," Alex told him. Lister paused.
"This Friday?" he asked. Alex nodded,
"For six months," he added.
"Wow," Lister didn't know what else to say, "That's...really soon. Like three days away."
"I know."
"Will that be enough time for you to sort out everything that you need to?"
"It should be. If I want to."
"What do you mean?" Lister asked. Alex reached over and took his hand,
"If you ask me to stay," he said softly, "I'll stay."
Lister drew in his breath, "Alex..." He was both completely touched and utterly astounded. He'd had no idea that their relationship was at this level; that Alex cared enough about him to make this kind of offer. "But...this is what you've always wanted."
"Well, yes," Alex conceded, "But it just doesn't seem right to spring it on you like this...after everything that's happened between us. To just give you three days notice before taking off for half a year. It's not fair."
Lister thought hard about the situation he was suddenly in. He couldn't decide whether Alex wanted him to say it was alright for him to go, or if he was trying to tell him that he wanted to stay and try to turn what they had into a proper relationship. And come to that, did he want Alex to stay? "This is all happening so fast, man. I don't quite know what to make of it all," he admitted finally.
"Just let me know what you're thinking," Alex requested gently. Lister looked at him. Looked at his handsome face, his dark blue eyes and the lips he had kissed over and over; felt the warmth of his fingers entwined with his and knew that he cared for him an awful lot. But he didn't love him.
"I think," he said, "That you need to do what's best for you. And only you know what that is."
"Meaning...?" Alex prompted. Lister smiled,
"Meaning I can't make this decision for you. I'm happy for things to stay the way they are if you decide that's what you really want, but I'll understand completely if you decide to go. I won't hold it against you. And I would hate it if you stayed just because you didn't want to hurt my feelings. That would be the worst thing that you could do. Because then neither of us would be happy."
Alex nodded glumly, "I know that. But," he swallowed hard, "I know I'm going to miss you like crazy..." Lister squeezed his hand,
"I'll miss you too."
"I promise I'll write to you. I'll write every day!" Lister nodded. He probably would. At first. But deep down he knew that after a while the letters would taper off, and by the time the six months were up, Alex would only be thinking about him occasionally, perhaps in the odd dream, using memory as a fantasy when the nights were cold and he felt lonely. And judging by his actions this evening, Lister thought Alex probably felt more strongly about their relationship than he did.
Perhaps when he finally came back aboard they would seek each other out and there would still be warmth there, affection, and just maybe the slightest hint still of attraction; but it would be awkward and stale. They would have moved on. If he had loved Alex, or even truly believed that Alex loved him, he might have felt differently but he knew that wasn't the case. He and Alex had a close friendship, mixed with a dollop of infatuation fired by the thrill of the new and slightly forbidden. And that didn't make for a lasting relationship. Especially a long-distance one. But could he say that to Alex?
"It'll be okay," he said finally; and in the circumstances that seemed like the best, and perhaps only thing he could say. "You'll have a fantastic time. And you know this is the right thing for you to do."
"I know."
"Do you need any help? You know...With packing and just generally getting things sorted?"
"No, I think I'll be okay. I'm not taking much. Just a few warm clothes and some crappy stuff I don't mind ruining if there's dirty work to be done. That kinda thing. And the rest of it should be fairly simple. Writing a few letters, notifying a few people. I should get it all done okay." Lister nodded quietly,
"You know where I am if you need anything, right?"
"Right. Just..."
"What?"
Alex looked at him mournfully; "Will you come over before I go on Friday? Just..you know...to see me off. To say a proper goodbye?" Lister smiled,
"Of course I will." He leaned over and they hugged each other tight.
For a moment, Lister actually felt pretty choked up.