Chapter two – The Good Fight

A few nights later, a woman was walking down a dark alley with a guy she'd met earlier that evening. She wasn't the sort of woman who would normally walk down dark alleys with guys she'd just met, but tonight she was happy to make an exception. She had met this guy, who'd introduced himself as Steve, in a bar. And, again, she wasn't the kind of person who normally picks up guys in bars, but she found him so charming, so sophisticated, so alluring (albeit slightly pale and a little sinister at times) that she simply fell in love with him. And Steve had charmingly assured her that this dark, spooky alley was a shortcut to his place.

"What's the worst that could happen?" she'd assured herself, "Steve turns out to be a vampire and kills me like in some cheesy horror movie?" She laughed at the idea.

She also laughed at something incredibly charming and witty Steve said as he charmingly walked her down the alley.

"You know, Steve," she said when she's sufficiently recovered from the laughter, "I normally don't do this sort of thing, but there's just something about you. Most guys I meet are only after one thing."

"Oh, Melissa," he said with a charming little laugh, (Melissa was the woman's name), "I am only after one thing..."And with that, the bottom of his forehead grew charmingly lumpy, his teeth became charmingly pointy, and his eyes turned a particularly charming shade of yellow.

In the brief second that followed, several thoughts sparked in Melissa's mind.

The first was that she should become a lesbian.

The second, given that she'd lead a perfectly normal life up until this point, was that she couldn't believe she was about to be killed by such a cliché.

The third and most important idea she had was that she should scream. Loudly. And she did. Then her brain descended into blind panic.

Steve moved slowly towards her with a soulless glare and a demonic growl. She closed her eyes in sheer terror.

"Hey," said a mysterious, heroic voice.

Steve turned round sharply. Melissa reluctantly opened her eyes.

They both stared at the dark, but surprisingly short figure who stood in the centre of the alley. The faint moonlight glowed eerily around him. His black clothes flapped majestically in the night wind and he held in his hands a loaded crossbow. He looked nervous.

"Let the girl go," said Jonathan, trying to sound as macho as possible.

The vampire laughed at him.

Melissa chose that moment to ruin some perfectly good underwear. She made a noise that made Jonathan cringe. Andrew also cringed as he peered round a corner a little way behind Melissa. He picked up a led pipe that was lying on the floor and gripped it tightly. He looked at Jonathan who blinked twice at him, signalling for him to come forward. He began to move slowly towards the vampire.

"Now why would I wanna let her go?" said Steve, grinning at Jonathan, slowly moving towards him.

"Uh, because..." Jonathan stuttered, backing away, frantically waving his crossbow at him, "because blondes are, like, really bad for you," he nodded as convincingly as he could.

"Is that so?" said Steve, sarcastically.

"Yeah," Jonathan continued, "I hear they've got, like, cholesterol or-"

"Shut up," the vampire interrupted and leaned in towards Jonathan.

Andrew let out a very loud, slightly feminine shriek and ran towards the vampire, holding the pipe high above his head. He repeatedly whacked him over the head as hard and as quickly as he could. Steve crouched and tried desperately to shield himself.

Just as Jonathan was trying to get a good aim with the crossbow, he suddenly noticed a second vampire drop down from a fire escape up ahead and start to run towards them. He quickly looked behind him. He saw a third vampire also running towards them.

"Oh crap," said Jonathan.

With one sharp movement, Steve knocked Andrew's pipe out of his hands and grabbed him by the throat. He lifted him off the ground with only one hand. Andrew gasped for air.

"Idiot child!!!" Steve snarled at him.

Jonathan threw the crossbow to Andrew, but instead hit the side of Steve's head rather hard, causing him to drop Andrew, who staggered slightly, but remained standing.

Jonathan looked back and forth at the two vampires running at him from either side. Amidst the blind panic, an idea struck him. He kicked forward a wooden box from the side of the alley and stood on top of it. The two vampires were getting closer. Jonathan quickly stretched both his arms towards the ground, flicked his wrists, and two wooden stakes flipped out: one strapped to each wrist. As the vampires were almost on him, he held back his hands so the stakes stuck right out and he stretched each arm out to either side, causing both vampires to run into the stakes and simultaneously burst into dust.

"Dude, that was so cool!" said Jonathan in disbelief as he jumped down from the box and flipped his stakes back into their holsters.

Meanwhile, Andrew was losing a wrestling match with Steve.

The vampire pushed Andrew against the wall and growled at him. The crossbow lay on the ground nearby.

Just as Steve leaned in to bite him, Andrew kicked him sharply in the groin.

Jonathan cringed again.

Steve's jaw hung loosely from his head, and his eyes gave up blinking for the day. He let Andrew go, backed away and flopped gracelessly into a foetal position on the ground.

Andrew dusted himself off and picked up the crossbow. He stood over the wounded vampire and pointed it at his heart. Jonathan stood by his side.

Steve struggled to speak.

He'd never though of himself as a particularly powerful vampire, and he never denied that he didn't have a very evil-sounding name, but he had been around for almost a hundred years and was very embarrassed to be defeated by a couple of nerds.

"Who... are you?" he gasped.

Jonathan and Andrew looked at each other, both gave a very official-looking nod and looked back at Steve.

"We're the Duo," said Andrew in his best Han Solo impression.

And with that he fired the crossbow, sending a wooden arrow through the vampire's heart. He burst into dust.

Jonathan and Andrew took a moment to look around and absorb what had just happened.

"Dude," said Jonathan, gasping for breath and cradling his arms, "did you see that? We..." and then he fainted.

Melissa was still standing nearby, still shaking from the aftershock.

"Um," Andrew said to her, "no need to thank us. Er, the, uh, the only thanks we need is, uh..." and then he fainted too.

Melissa looked around like a frightened cat. She looked at the piles of dust that used to be three guys, one of whom she'd found particularly charming until he tried to kill her. She looked at the two unconscious young men who, as far as she could gather, had saved her life.

She shakily reached for her purse. She pulled out a wad of cash and threw it at the nearest unconscious guy.

After another quick glance around, Melissa ran off into the night.

And so the battle was won. Jonathan and I, two young heroes, valiantly defeated a small army of vampyrs. We emerged victorious, and, also a little unconscious, but little did we suspect what lay ahead of us. Unknown terrors were plotting their evil schemes, hiding in the shadows of darkness, waiting for the right moment to strike...