Chapter Three - Unknown Terrors

The warrior-like demon lay deep in thought. As he stared at the ceiling he emitted a low, rumbling growl that would have frightened away any squirrels that happened to be frolicking nearby. Of course, no squirrels ever came close enough to hear him growl. If the unmistakable aura of evil that surrounded him wasn't enough to scare them off, then his appearance certainly was. His rubbery skin was a deep, fiery shade of red and his body was covered with thick, chiselled muscles. At the top of his slightly pointed head was a row of yellow bone spikes in a kind of Mohican which continued all the way down the back of his spine. He wore only a steel chest-plate with leather straps and a loincloth made from the skin of a Haklar demon who once insulted his mother.

He did the growl again as he prepared to speak to the sympathetic bald vampire who was sitting nearby.

"But even so," he rumbled, "my wife still insists that we eat one of them. But, I don't know, I just can't bring myself to eat my own son. It just seems wrong somehow. I never did care about our traditions much. I kinda wanted him to grow up to be an accountant, you know? I know it sounds crazy and all that," he paused, "Does it sound crazy to you, Doc?"

Dr Campbell, the aforementioned vampire, grinned reassuringly at the demon laying on the couch.

"Well," he glanced at the name on the clipboard, "Quellakk, I can tell you there are many things in this world crazier than a demon accountant. In fact there are quite a few of them around these days. And it's perfectly natural for a demon such as yourself to have doubts about eating one of your spawn. Now, consider this," he looked at his watch, "Oh! I'm sorry, I think we've run out of time," he smiled apologetically.

"What?" said Quellakk, surprised, "But I didn't even tell you about the thing with the gerbils yet."

"Don't worry," said Dr Campbell reassuringly, "there'll be plenty of time for that in our next session."

Quellakk sighed and reluctantly peeled himself from the couch. The bone spikes along his spine popped one by one out of the leather upholstery. He got to his feet, straightened his chest-plate, and looked at the couch with an embarrassed face. It now had a row of holes along it where his spikes had been.

"Sorry about the couch, Doc," he grinned as amiably as he could revealing three rows of small pointy teeth.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Dr Campbell grinned back and shook the demon by the hand, "And good luck with your wife," he added with a casual nod.

"Sure," said Quellakk, strolling off towards the door, "see ya, Doc."

"Hey," Dr Campbell called out to him, "don't forget your Blade of Nazlar."

"Oh! Right!" said Quellakk, suddenly remembering. He pulled his enchanted broadsword out of the umbrella stand by the door. "I don't wanna forget this thing," he said, casually waving it around. He gave a slight chuckle and left, closing the door behind him.

Dr Campbell finally stopped grinning and sighed. He didn't need to sigh, because he didn't breathe, but he thought the gesture was appropriate. He stood up and shook his head at the damaged couch.

"He does this every single time," he muttered to himself.

He walked over to his desk in the corner of his office and rummaged through the drawer. He pulled out a small golden talisman. Holding it in front of the couch, he said something in Latin and the little puncture holes sealed themselves up. He tossed the talisman back in the drawer and sat at his desk.

Dr Campbell had been a psychiatrist for most of his adult life, and after he died he decided to continue his profession. He was now one of the most renowned demon psychiatrists on the planet for two reasons. One: there aren't that many demon psychiatrists on the planet to begin with, and two: approximately half the demon psychiatrists on Earth at some point just give up and eat all their patients.

Needless to say, after a hundred or so years, he too was beginning to grow tired of his job and was starting to wonder why he was doing it anyway. If he was going to live forever he didn't want to spend all of that time saying "and how does that make you feel?"

He sighed again, which, as we've already established, he didn't need to do, but he did it anyway.

He poured himself a fresh glass of warm virgin's blood and glanced over a few notes.

Finally he pressed a little button on his desk which buzzed.

"Carol, send in the next patient would you?" he said into the microphone.

Carol gargled something back at him which, in her demonic language, means "okay."

Dr Campbell got up from his desk and sat on the chair next to the couch.

A blonde, female vampire walked in wearing a pink furry jacket and carrying a matching handbag.

"Hi," she chirped.

"Ah," said Dr Campbell, now grinning again, "please, come in, have a seat Miss...?"

"Harmony," she said.

"Ah yes, Harmony," said Dr Campbell invitingly, "Please..." he casually gestured towards the couch.

Harmony came in and laid down.

"So," Dr Campbell reinforced his grin, "Harmony, what brings you here?"

"Well," Harmony began, "I guess I just kinda feel like I'm at the stage where I need some guidance, you know? I guess it all started back when I was in high school. There was this whole bunch of us and we used to hang out together and we just totally ruled. But then came Graduation Day, which we knew was a big step anyway, but there was this thing with a giant snake and all these vampires running around and everything. Anyway, I got sired by this guy who was just so not my type, but don't even get me started on that. So I had this whole new vampire thing going on and so I was like..."

Harmony continued talking, but Dr Campbell's mind was beginning to wander.

I really like that plant, he thought, looking at the plant on his desk, It really gives the whole room a sort of glow to it. Hmm. I must remember to get some more virgin's blood. What was the name of that bar that does the really good AB negative? Hmm. Oh, I don't know, I'm sure it'll come back to me.

"...And he kept promising he'd take me to France," Harmony continued, "but he was always too busy worrying about his precious Slayer."

"And how does that make you feel?" asked Dr Campbell.

"Terrible," Harmony whined, "I mean he only ended up falling in love with the stupid Slayer. He never loved me. It was either the Slayer or that crazy Droodzilla girl..."

I forgot to set the VCR to record that documentary thing, thought Dr Campbell, I was looking forward to that. Perhaps they do a rerun later in the week. I suppose I should get a new VCR anyway. The one I have now isn't that great. Does this girl really need to tell me her whole un-life story?

"...And she was all like 'I want you out of my city!' Can you believe that?" Harmony still went on, "I mean, she doesn't own the city for one thing. Anyway I couldn't go back to Sunnydale and I couldn't go back to L.A. so for a while I just drifted around, not knowing what to do with myself. Then some guy suggested that I come and see you, and you were all the way out here in Mexico, but I didn't have anything else to do, so I came out here and here I am!" She grinned a grin wide enough to rival Dr Campbell's, "So I guess I'm really trying to find out where I belong, you know? I mean I suck at being evil, I suck at being good, my best friend will kill me if she ever sees me again. So what am I supposed to do?"

Dr Campbell paused thoughtfully and stroked his chin.

"Harmony," he said with a slightly intrigued voice, "as far as where you belong is concerned, the answer is simple: you're a vampire. You're a creature of the night. A child of darkness. You are connected to a powerful all-consuming evil that will suck the world into a fiery oblivion. Can't you feel it flowing through you?"

Harmony thought for a moment.

"No," she said, "mostly I feel hungry. D'you have any blood?"

"Yes, of course, help yourself," Dr Campbell handed her the jug and a glass from his desk. Harmony sat up and poured herself some virgin's blood.

"But," Dr Campbell again switched to his intrigued voice, "you mentioned that you weren't particularly successful at being evil. When most people become vampires they make the transition fairly easily. But in your case you seem to be clinging to your old human self. You need to simply allow the darkness to become you, then things will become simpler."

"Well how am I supposed to do that?" said Harmony as if she'd been told to suck a peanut butter sandwich through a straw.

"Well there are several therapeutic techniques which can help you to get in touch with your dark side. One which I often find particularly effective is the evil laugh."

"...What?" Harmony gave him a strange look.

"I know it sounds strange at first," Dr Campbell explained, "and you probably think I've seen one too many Bond movies, but hear me out. What you have to do is to close your eyes and picture someone who you were particularly close to in life, like your mother or a close friend or someone like that. Or it could perhaps be someone who treated you badly. Or perhaps even something which you generally associate with good, like a puppy or something. Now once you've got them in your mind, you simply laugh at them. And it has to be an authoritative, evil laugh, as if you're looking down on them. This helps you to distance yourself from people emotionally and it gives you a great sense of power. Why don't you try it?"

Harmony looked a little embarrassed.

"Do I have to?" she rolled her eyes at him.

"Trust me," Dr Campbell assured her, "it will help you. Now, concentrate. Remember, picture someone in your mind..."

"Fine," Harmony reluctantly put down her blood, sat up straight and closed her eyes.

"Now," said Dr Campbell, "laugh."

"Ha ha ha," she said sarcastically, "there, am I done?"

"Do you want to get in touch with your inner darkness?"

Harmony reluctantly closed her eyes again.

"A-ha-ha-ha-ha," she did a little chuckle that didn't sound very evil.

"Hmm," said Dr Campbell, "it's a slight improvement, but try it louder and a little deeper."

"Like this? A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" she sounded like a slightly embarrassed supervillain.

"Mmm," Dr Campbell nodded reluctantly, "try it more like this," he cleared his throat, "Wa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!" he'd clearly spent a lot of time practicing that, because he sounded like Ming the Merciless.

"Wa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!" Harmony mimicked his laugh perfectly.

"That's it!" said Dr Campbell.

"Wa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa!!!" Harmony laughed even louder. She was surprised to find that she was actually starting to enjoy this.

"Even better. Try this: Ahaaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!!!"

"MOWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!" Harmony threw her head back with an evil laugh as loud as she could comfortably manage.

Soon the two of them were lost in a trail of cheesy evil laughter that echoed into the street outside and provoked many strange expressions from passers by.

The sun rose over Mexico. Jonathan awoke to the smell of cat urine. He also awoke to the feeling of being sprayed in the face with something. He quickly put the two together and jumped to his feet. The cat ran away and went about his business elsewhere.

Shaking the drips from his face, Jonathan looked around. He was still in the alley. He noticed a little bundle of money in front of him and picked it up.

"We don't need your money!" he called out, in case Melissa was still there, "The only thanks we need is the, uh, the satisfaction that comes from helping those in danger!"

His eyes widened as he quickly counted the money. He looked around, shrugged, and stuffed it into his pocket.

Suddenly he heard something rustling on the ground next to him. It was Andrew, comfortably snuggled up with his head resting on a full garbage bag. He was mumbling something in his sleep about Timothy Dalton. Jonathan rolled his eyes.

"Hey, get up," he said, gently prodding him with his foot.

"Hey? ...What?" Andrew reluctantly opened his eyes and looked around.

"Holy Shatner," he said when he finally realised where he was, "What are we still doing here?"

"I guess we must have passed out from the shock," said Jonathan.

Andrew got up and dusted himself off.

"I can't believe we really did that," he said in amazement, "it was cool, and also really scary."

"I know," said Jonathan, "hey did you see me do that stake thing when those two vampires were running at me?"

"Yeah, that was cool."

They both took another moment to reflect.

"We actually did it," said Jonathan, "and we survived. And we saved someone's life. We're like real heroes now. Like Batman and Robin."

"Or Xena and Gabrielle," said Andrew.

Jonathan gave Andrew a strange look.

"Hey, dude, why is your face wet?" asked Andrew, noticing a few drips on his nose.

Jonathan looked embarrassed.

"A cat peed on me," he said, wiping his face on his sleeve.

"Eew," Andrew cringed.

They were both silent again as they took another moment to reflect.

"Hey d'you wanna get some tacos?" said Andrew suddenly.

"Alright," Jonathan shrugged.

With that they walked side by side down the alley towards the rising sun, with their shadows stretched out behind them.