TRUE STORIES ABOUT CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW

There you are. Now now, already in bed? That's new to me.

I wanna hear another story!

Did you brush your teeth?

Uh-huh.

Hm. Are you sure? You don't want to end up with golden teeth when you're grown up, do you?

Oh nooo! You mean like those mean, filthy pirates have?

Yes, and I mean one pirate in particular.

Who? Who do you mean? That birdie pirate?

Sparrow. That's the one; Jack Sparrow.

You mean captain Jack Sparrow.

Oh, excuse me! But you're right, he was a captain. Do you want me to tell about him and his beloved ship tonight?

Yeeeaaah...

Alright then. There once was this poor, young cartographer whi...

A what??

I was about to explain. A cartographer was someone aboard a ship who drew maps each time the ship had explored new seas and coasts. In the early days people had yet to discover unknown parts of the world, you know. They even thought the earth was flat, like a pancake.

Really?? They had pancakes in those days?

I think you miss the point here... Anyway, a cartographer was quite an important job back then.

So this Captain Jack Sparrow was a carto, um... carta.. Well, a mapper?

He wasn't a captain at that time yet. Actually not a lot is known about him before he showed up in Tortuga, the famous pirate city. But what I can tell you is that Jack Sparrow wasn't a man with many passions, except for the rum and... the Black Pearl.

A black pearl? What's the fun of jewels? Beh, what a sissy.

So you would think, huh? Well, that he wasn't. But the fun of jewelry? How do you think the pirates got their rum in the first place? They needed jewels and gold, in order to buy rum and women.

Women?

Yes well, um, forget about that. The Black Pearl I'm talking about was a ship. And not just any ship, nooo... the fastest ship in the entire Caribbean.

How many nuts?

What?

How fast did it go, silly. Did you never play Regetta Xtreme on your Playstation2?

Um, no. I don't have a Playstation.

You don't?! Oh.

The Black Pearl went fast, okay? And this was the lady Jack Sparrow had set his heart on.

Ho, ho! Now wait a minute, you said ship, not lady. You confuse me.

Ships are considered to be feminine. Didn't they teach you that in your game?

Boy, that is SO stupid! Why in the world is that??

Well, ships do have these straight, beautiful shapes and move smooth and softly through the waters... elegant like women, you see.

No, I don't. Yak

Jack Sparrow did. So one day his dream came true: the simple cartographer became captain of the Pearl.

He stole it! Uh, her. Eew.

Probably. Like I said, not a lot is known about these days. But when he came to Tortuga he indeed no longer was a respectable cartographer. He had big plans to go and seek a hidden treasure. 'Cause you see, at his former work, he had lay a hand on this remarkable compass.

The compass that didn't point north!

Exactly. And you know what it pointed at instead, don't you? It pointed to Isla de Muerta on wich – as was said- was hidden the enormous lute of the famous Cortez.

Yeees, I remember... But he never got it, did he?

Ah ah, I'm telling the story! So Captain Jack Sparrow hired a crew for his Pearl and they sailed off to where the compass led them. The compass actually was a secret and he should have kept it to himself, but his malicious first mate...

Barbossa!!!

...Barbossa made him give up his bearings. That night there was a...

Mutiny!

Could you please stop filling in everything I'm about to say?

Ow. I'm sorry. It's just... I already know these parts.

Yes, I know. But now I was going to tell you about his grand escape and all.

Really?? Oh please, do go on! I promise I won't say a thing again, honest!

It's the honest ones I want to watch out for...

What?

Never mind. Back to the mutiny. Jack Sparrow...

Uh...

...Captain Jack Sparrow had to watch his beloved ship sail away. He swore he would get her back. All that was left him was a gun with one shot and he might have shot a wild animal to eat, but instead he promised he would save this shot for his mutinous first mate. He would rather seek revenge than die. Now some people doubted Captain Jack Sparrow's mind and thought he'd gone mad with the heat, but actually he was quite... unique. He waded out into the shallows and there he waited three days and three nights until all manner of sea creature came and acclimated to his presence. And then he roped himself a couple of seaturtles, harnassed them together and made a raft. Yes, you heard well, seaturtles.
You're quite stunned, aren't you?

Hm, we'll see. What did he use for rope? Let me guess, hair from his back?

Wow, you amaze me. Yes, at least that's what they say.

And you actually believe this?

Well, scientists say we do all origin from monkeys, so...

It's bull.

Ho ho, watch your language now. Alright, alright. I have to admit that it is pure nonsense. But fun, right?

How did he escape?

The true story is less fun: the island he was on was in fact used by rumrunners –do you know what that is?

It's a group of piratemovie fanatics on the internet.

Hahaha, yes that's right. But the original rumrunners used to be merchants who dealt in illegal liquor, like rum. They traded in secrecy and the island Captain Jack Sparrow was marooned on, was used by them to hide their bottles from the Navy. He had only been on the island for a few days when the rumrunners came by and gave him a lift.

Wow, rumrunners sound far more exciting than those stupid seaturtles!

You think so? Oh well, my mistake. Anyway, in the next ten years or so, our captain without a ship travelled around on his personal mission; to take back his Pearl and take revenge on Barbossa. It wasn't until he was captured in Port Royal that he saw his lady again.

Gah.

Ssh. Barbossa and his crew –who had found Cortez's treasure but were now doomed by it's curse- came to the city while they had heard the call of the gold.

Are you going to tell about that stupid medallion again? And that luuuuv couple?

What's wrong with you tonight? Being a bit rebellious? Little pirate yourself, aye?

That's because your story is crap! I wanted to hear about this wonderful, clever, amazing, unbeatable pirate Captain Jack Sparrow who was feared and respected by everyone!

I hate to tell you, but that Jack Sparrow never really existed, I'm afraid. So does this mean you don't want to hear more about him?

Not if he's going to act stupid again, like you already told me before.

Okay... I think that means the end of my telling. Too bad, stories about Captain Jack Sparrow are always fun.

Will you tell me another story?

Not tonight anymore.

Ooowww...

Nah ah. It's late, so no more stories.

Come on, pleeeaaase...?

You should remember this for the next time though, it's Captain Jack Sparrow's personal device:

TAKE WHAT YOU CAN, GIVE NOTHING BACK!

That includes bedtimestories too. Goodnight.

Blah.