Disclaimer: I do not own SGA. This saddens, me so I'll go on to the next bit

Summary: Sheppard, McKay and Ford are asked to participate in an Athosian ritual

Genre: Humor

Pairings: Sheyla, McWeir

Rating: PG

A/N: After chatting with Mary Christmas about our favorite actor with his shirt off in the SciFi original pictures "DarkLight", she rolled her eyes and asked what I would do next, stick him in black leather? Well...yes. Actually. I would. grins evilly

"Athosian Ritual"

"I am not going to come out dressed like this," Rodney McKay told the person waiting on the other side of the door, "It's degrading and I really see no point to it."

"Oh come on, McKay," Sheppard's teasing voice responded, "there's nothing to be embarrassed about. Is there?"

"Yeah, like unsightly love handles." Ford this time, and he sounded like he was about to break into fits of laughter.

Rodney glared at the door, knowing it would have no effect on the two would-be comedians, but feeling better for it anyway. "Oh har-de-har-har," he deadpanned, "It's a wonder the two of you haven't set up a routine yet and for your information, being dressed in tight black leather is uncomfortable as well as embarrassing. Especially when the shirt-vest-whatever doesn't fit."

Teyla had come to them earlier in the day and told them about a ritual her people went through. Twelve single men were chosen to wear the special costumes, but the woman would elaborate no further on what the ritual entailed. Of the Atlantians, only he, Sheppard and Ford had been chosen. Again, there was no information as to the logic of this choosing.

Rodney shifted uncomfortably. Actually, despite all his protests to the contrary, the leather was quite nice. It was soft, supple and fit rather well. It just reminded him of a time in his life he'd rather forget.

And they would have to put him in burning coals before he'd ever tell them he'd once belonged to a rock band, small and unknown though it was.

"Come on out, McKay," Sheppard said, all hints of teasing gone, "Or I'm coming in there to get you."

"Yeah," Ford seconded, "If we have to go through with this, then so do you."

"All right, but I'm not putting on the collar."

He stepped out of the room and glared at the two military men who grinned upon seeing him. "Don't say anything. And why didn't you get collars?"

Ford and Sheppard traded glances.

"We did," Sheppard hedged, "But...we're going to wait and see if they're absolutely necessary."

Rodney grinned triumphantly. "Ah ha! So I'm not the only one failing to notice the significance of whatever this ritual thing is."

Ford rolled his eyes. "Whatever, we better get going or we're gonna be late. Honestly, you'd think you were a woman with how long it took you. What? Were you admiring yourself in the mirror again and lost track of time?"

That earned the young lieutenant a scowl, but Sheppard ushered them along the corridor to the Puddle Jumper Bay before Rodney could retort. Thankfully, the way was clear of people due to most of them having gone to the mainland to witness the ceremony. Whatever it was.

When they got to the mainland, Halling immediately escorted them to a large clearing behind a curtain. Nine other men, Athosians, waited there already. They were dressed in black leather also, so Rodney didn't feel too bad.

"You must put those on," Halling told them when they were settled, "It is a part of the ceremony."

"Yeah," Rodney agreed, though he didn't put the collar on, "Just what is this ritual anyway?"

Halling blinked. "Teyla did not tell you?"

"No," Sheppard said, "She said it was to be a surprise."

"Ah. Well, every year, twelve men are chosen through a lottery to stand on display, and then six females who know that man will stand to speak for them. The one who knows them the best will have his services for a day..."

"What?!"

Sheppard and Ford echoed the sentiment.

Halling held up his hands in a placating manner, "It was originally intended as a courting ritual, but is now merely for fun. You...do not have to participate if you do not wish." The expression on his face told that he would be very disappointed if they didn't.

Of course the two officers immediately acquiesced. They didn't want to disappoint their new friends.

Rodney on the other hand, was having none of it. If there were an out, then he'd take it. Except that Sheppard was now glaring at him. He sighed. The major would give him hell on the next mission if he didn't do this right now.

"Fine," Rodney muttered, "But could you at least tell me what part the damn collars play in all this?"

"Those were an additional suggestion by Dr. Weir when she was asked to contribute to the ceremony. It was so we could allow you in," Halling explained, "since she is your leader, something of Earth had to be introduced. Are all of you well?"

The three men were choking. Sheppard was the first to recover and patted Rodney on the back until his coughing fit ceased.

"Did you just say...it was Elizabeth's suggestion?"

"Yes," Halling answered, sounding confused, "She said it was similar to a ritual on Earth called a..." he hesitated as he tried to come up with the proper term, "oh yes. A bachelor auction. She said that the one she attended did this, and that I am not to tell you any more. Now, I must go and start the ceremony."

Rodney looked at the other men waiting around. They all looked about the same age as Ford, if not a little younger. He was, however, glad to note that they looked uncomfortable wearing the collars too. Damn. Who knew Elizabeth could be so sneaky?

"I think I'm going to have a word with Dr. Weir when this is all over," Sheppard said in a strangled voice, "I've been to an auction like that too and..." he trailed off and shook his head.

"And what sir," Ford said, all humor gone from his voice.

Rodney was eager for the answer as well. He'd heard of bachelor auctions of course, but somehow he didn't think his father would have attended one if collars were involved.

"What usually goes with collars?" Sheppard asked, seeming nonchalant.

"What kind of an answer is that?" Rodney was indignant, "'What usually goes with collars?' Honestly, do you think you could be more...oh." He felt himself go pale. "Surely she wouldn't have...not Elizabeth. No. She would never subject us to such humiliation. Would she?"

No one answered him.

Then it was time. By threes the men were led out from behind the curtain. The ones left behind could hear catcalls and whistles but nothing of what was being said. Finally it was down to just the three from Earth. Halling beckoned to them and Sheppard and Ford followed. Rodney stubbornly stood his ground, but Sheppard came back and pulled him along.

When they stepped out from behind the curtain, the first thing Rodney noticed was the rope cordoning off the area where they were standing. Then he noticed the rather large audience, consisting of not only the Athosians but many people from Atlantis as well. Again, he was reminded of his time in the band, though they had played only once before an audience. He had had stage fright then too.

There were more whistles and hoots, and Rodney could make out a couple of his colleagues grinning and pointing at the stage. He scowled. Damn Kavanaugh and his elitist group. He'd never hear the end of this one. And where the hell was Elizabeth? He couldn't find her anywhere in the crowd. Teyla either for that matter.

"Lieutenant Aiden Ford," Halling announced, "Please step forward and present your merits."

Ford took a step towards the rope and cleared his throat uncertainly. He looked back at Halling who nodded encouragingly. "Well, I'm a lieutenant in the United States Marine Corps and I'm good with guns. I'm uh...stable and a good listener."

Cheers went up as he finished, and Rodney could see the young man coloring slightly.

"Now, I present those who know you well."

The crowd parted and six young women stepped forward. Three were Athosian women who the lieutenant had shown around the base, the other three were from Earth. Rodney didn't know them, but he thought they were all military. He zoned out as they began talking about what they had done in the past and how well they knew Ford. Who would be stepping up for him? Simpson probably, he knew her the best. There were a couple of other women too, but his mind kept coming back to one in particular.

'No,' he told himself shortly, 'It's highly unlikely that Elizabeth will be one of those women. Even if she has known me the longest.'

He was abruptly brought out of his reverie by the sight of Sheppard being led away on a leash by Teyla. Rodney shook his head slightly and began to panic. He hadn't even realized Ford was done, much less Sheppard.

"Doctor Rodney McKay. Please step forward and present your merits."

Rodney swallowed nervously and stepped towards the rope. He sent a pleading glance in Halling's direction, but the man merely smiled encouragingly. "I'm a certified genius," he began, thinking rapidly, "And the smartest guy here or in my own galaxy. I like to take moonlit strolls on beaches and I like apple pie." There was a unified chuckle from the Atlantians, and when it seemed that he was done, a cheer rose up from the entire crowd. Rodney sighed in relief.

"Now, I present those who know you well."

Once again, the crowed parted and six women walked forward. Simpson, Dr. Connors, an Athosian he didn't really know very well, Kaffrey, Tanning and...his heart nearly stopped. Elizabeth. She had a teasing smile on her face as she looked up at him, and he found himself grinning back.

One by one the women spoke about how well they knew him until it was only Elizabeth left. Rodney frowned as he noticed her smile grow wider. Then she began talking.

"Well, I've known Dr. McKay since before we came to Atlantis. We've worked closely together to get everything ready and make sure this expedition is a success. I know that he likes chocolate and that he's a little insecure (Rodney glared at her as she said this) but he's actually a very sweet man once you get past his façade."

Halling smiled when she had finished and then went to confer with two other men Rodney hadn't noticed before. Then he came back and held his hands up to the crowd. "It is our decision that Dr. Elizabeth Weir has presented the most evidence of knowledge of the participant. It is to her his services shall be given for a day."

He beckoned and held out a leash. Rodney groaned as Elizabeth stepped over the rope, took hold of the leash and then snapped it to the collar around his neck.

"Relax, Rodney," she whispered, amusement dancing in her tone, "I'm not going to make you do anything unusual."

"Oh gee, thanks for the words of comfort. They really helped." His tone was only half as sarcastic as normal. For some reason, no matter how angry he was at the woman, he could never muster the full force of it when she was near him.

Elizabeth just laughed and gave a gentle tug on the leash. Rodney scowled at her, but followed obediently in any case.

"You're really enjoying my complete and total humiliation, aren't you?" Rodney asked, "Well, that's all very well and good for you but,"

"Rodney. Shut up."

"Yes ma'am."

The END!