Alone.
That one little word perfectly summed up how Buffy felt and how she had felt ever since she boarded her transatlantic flight from LAX.
It wasn't the fact that she was on her own – she'd undertaken the journey solo before, after all. But this was different, before now she'd always known that there would be someone to meet her at the other end. Today there was no one.
She walked into the departure lounge carrying her bags and caught herself looking for a friendly face.
You know that there's nobody there, it's just you. She took a deep breath and made her way through the throng of people to the exit and the taxi rank.
Buffy sat silently in the back of the taxi as it pulled away from the terminal building. She stared out of the window, watching as the airport road gave way to fields full of horses and cows, which, in turn, gave way fairly quickly to houses and they reached the suburbs of Manchester. The houses flitted past and the area became more and more built up as they reached the inner city. But Buffy hardly noticed – all this was familiar to her now, she'd made the journey too many times to count and she couldn't drag her mind away from what lay at the end of the relatively short taxi ride.
Riley.
She sighed. For all her planning she really had no idea how to approach this. The coward in her hoped that he would be out when she got there, but deep down inside she knew that it would be best if he was in so she could face this and deal with it.
Buffy was wrenched out of her thoughts when the taxi came to an abrupt stop outside the flat. She paid the driver and got out, carrying her bags into the eerily empty and silent hallway before letting herself in.
She walked into her bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the wall opposite, bags abandoned on the floor. There was nobody else here. No one would be until next week. It was just her.
She sat there for what seemed like hours, but in reality was probably only a few minutes. So, this is it she thought. No going back now. I can't believe that I'm actually going to do this. Reality hit home hard as she realised that it had to be now or she'd keep putting it off forever. She got up – she'd go talk to him, but first she had to have a shower and get changed.
She stood outside the front door of the upstairs flat, hesitating for a minute, fist raised to knock at the door. She took a deep breath, steeled herself and knocked.
The door was opened almost immediately by Riley who, predictably, looked astonished to see her.
"Buffy! What are you doing here? I mean… God, that came out all wrong. I meant – it's great that you are here, but I didn't think that you were back 'til next week. Why didn't you call? I would have picked you up from the airport. God! What am I thinking? Come here!" He pulled her to him and into his embrace and she deftly avoided his kiss, pulling away as soon as she could. He frowned and looked at her.
"Riley, we need to talk."
Buffy wandered down Market Street, shoppers moving out of her way as she made no effort to move out of theirs. She didn't really know why she was walking down the main shopping precinct in Manchester city centre, she just knew that she'd had to get out of the flat and this was where the first bus which came along was headed – in her current state she didn't really think she was fit to drive.
To say that Riley hadn't taken it well was probably the understatement of the year. Even devastated seems a little inadequate she thought.
He hadn't believed her at first – he'd accused her of playing some kind of sick joke and she couldn't believe that he'd think she could ever be that cruel. She had tried to explain, to get him to acknowledge that they'd been having problems for some time now, but he hadn't wanted to see it and had refused to understand what was going on. He'd tried to reason with her next, saying that they could work it out.
Things got a little scary for a moment when she'd told him it was over, that there was nothing to work on. He'd suddenly stood and started pacing before turning and hitting out. She'd flinched visibly as his fist had impacted with the wall, leaving a visible dent.
It was then that the tears came. Having released his emotion in violence he'd collapsed back onto the sofa next to her, the first tear rolling down his cheek and she'd held him, neither of them speaking.
They'd stayed that way for quite some time until his tears had stopped. He'd pulled away and smiled sadly at her and that was the moment that broke her heart – seeing the acceptance in his eyes. That moment of finality.
They'd kissed – a passionless but friendly goodbye – and she'd left.
And now here she was, wandering aimlessly. She was physically and mentally drained, but she couldn't face returning to the flat yet, knowing that he was just upstairs and that she was all alone. At least here she was surrounded by people, even if they were all strangers who didn't give her a second glance.
So she wandered, looking into shop windows without seeing their contents, the look on her face so totally blank that not even the people collecting for charity tried to attract her attention. There was nothing to distract her from her thoughts.
"Buffy!"
The voice called from behind her, seemingly from far away. She ignored it and carried on walking.
"Buffy!" This time the voice was accompanied by a firm hand on her shoulder, stopping her and turning her around to look into the clear blue eyes of its owner. She stared at him for a minute and then attempted a smile.
"Hi" she said quietly.
Spike had spotted her across the crowds and hurried over to catch up, but he was shocked when she turned to face him. Her hair was dishevelled, her eyes blood-shot and puffy and she'd obviously been crying. In all, she looked like her world had just been pulled out from under her, and when she smiled at him, it didn't even pretend to reach her eyes.
"Luv? Pet, what's happened?" He asked caringly. Her eyes welled up with fresh tears as he asked the question.
"Riley and I have broken up." A single tear rolled down her cheek and suddenly she launched herself into his arms, lent against his chest and burst into tears. Spike didn't give it a second thought – he wrapped his arms around her and held her whilst she cried, murmuring comforting nothings into her hair.
He held her until he felt her sobs subside and she stood quietly in his arms, then he placed a hand gently on the small of her back and steered her away from the crowded street. She looked up at him.
"Where are we going?"
"Pub" he said matter-of-factly pointing down a side street.
"Why?"
"Well, firstly because you look like you need to sit down before you collapse with exhaustion," he explained as they crossed a busy main road and started down a wide alley lined with small but expensive looking boutiques. "And secondly, because you need a drink." He caught her look. "Yes, I know, you don't really drink, but you look like you could do with one right now." He steered her across another busy street and in through the front door of a large glass-fronted bar.
It was cool and quiet inside – a stark contrast to the hustle and bustle of the crowded city streets they had just left behind. The high ceilings of the large pub swallowed the quiet conversations of the few patrons already seated in alcoves and at tables around the room. Spike led her further into the pub, towards a quiet corner at the back. Stopping he indicated for her to take a seat.
"Sit. I'll be back in a minute." As Buffy obediently sat he disappeared towards the bar, returning minutes later with two pints of lager and a packet of crisps. He sat down next to her, pushed one of the pints towards her and opened the packet out on the table so that they could share.
Buffy picked up the pint glass and took a sip, making a face at the taste of it. "Never liked this stuff, but it's strangely comforting," she said, not looking at him. She took another sip and sighed. Spike said nothing – he just sat back, slowly sipping his pint and munching crisps.
They sat in companionable silence for a while and Buffy was grateful that he let her just be. There was no pressure on her to explain, but at the same time his very presence seemed to lend her the support she needed to relax. She yawned, exhaustion suddenly hitting her hard.
"When was the last time you slept, pet?" Spike asked, glancing at the bags under her eyes.
"Before I left home."
"What? US home? That must have been yesterday near enough!" Spike said slightly incredulously.
"More than likely, but I needed to get things sorted out with Riley."
"Oh?" Spike said, trying to encourage her to talk, but not wanting to push it if she didn't want to.
"I realised over the vacation that I didn't love him, so I came back early to end it," she explained bluntly.
"So, that's it? You've done it?"
"Oh. Yeah." She looked at him. "You know – I've never broken it off with anyone before. I was always under the impression that if it was you who did the leaving it was meant to hurt less, but right now it feels as if someone's ripped my heart out. And I just feel so guilty…"
"He didn't take it well then?"
"You really think he would?"
"Guess not."
"I feel so guilty and I keep wondering if I've done the right thing." Spike turned to face her, so that he was looking her directly in the eyes.
"Were you happy?"
"No." she said definitely.
"Then you've just answered your own question. Look, you realised that you weren't happy and he was never going to make you happy and it wasn't going to work – right?"
"Right."
"And so you ended it – right?"
"Right."
"Now you could have let it drag on for months and months and the outcome would probably have been the same. If you know it's not going to work, nothing you can do can change that. The only thing you would have achieved by staying with him would have been to hurt him even more in the process. Riley's not stupid, he would have noticed that your heart wasn't in it. I know that I would have preferred it if Dru had just been honest and left instead of playing around behind my back trying to get me to dump her. The end of our relationship dragged on forever. Yes, you broke his heart, but at least it was a clean break and it'll heal. Same for you, though your state isn't helped by lack of sleep." The latter bit was said in a slightly parental tone and Buffy smiled slightly, but a real smile.
"Yes, dad!" Spike joined her in the grin.
"That's better. Look, why don't you go home and get some rest? You'll feel better for it."
"I've been trying to avoid that one." She grimaced.
"Why?"
"No-one's there. Like I said – I came back early and the flat's empty until next week."
"Okay, so you're 'Lonely Girl' then? Fine. But you still need some sleep. Go home, have a nice long bath and an early night. I'll pick you up at 7:30 tomorrow night."
"7:30 – why. What's going on?"
"I'm taking you out for dinner." He noticed the look on her face. "In a purely 'friends' capacity. If Willow were here you two would work through this with massive amounts of ice-cream and a night of watching chick-flicks and moaning about the evils of men – right?" Buffy just laughed. "Right. Well, that's not really my scene, so I'll go for option number two – I'm going to take you out for dinner and treat you like a princess all night. Spoiling you rotten is bound to cheer you up for a bit. You up for that"
"Definitely!"