Chapter 20:

Consciousness came slowly. She was vaguely aware of the warmth of a shaft of sunlight on her face at first. Then came the awareness of a firm, muscled body beneath her cheek, holding her gently against him. It was a pleasant feeling, an agreeable way to wake up and her lips curled up into a smile. The body beneath her moved slightly.

"Morning luv," it spoke, a hand moving to stroke her hair lightly. She opened her eyes and looked up.

"Morning, Spike."

He smiled at her before leaning down to kiss her. She sighed slightly as his lips met hers, feeling their softness and mentally reliving the night before - a night she never wanted to forget.

She deepened the kiss, pulling him towards her, wrapping her arms around him to bring him into her embrace. As his arms slid around her back to hold her just as tightly she knew that, right now, at this very moment, the world was only as big as her bed and they were the only two people in it.

They broke apart and she rested her head on his bare chest. They lapsed back into one of the comfortable silences that had been a constant throughout their relationship and just enjoyed the moment, neither one of them in a rush to leave their little world.

Eventually, Spike moved slightly.

"Luv, I'm going to go and have a shower, okay?" he asked, looking down at her with a slight smile.

"Sure - you know where everything is, right?"

"Like I haven't stayed here a million times before?" he snorted derisively before laughing and climbing out of bed.

"See you in a minute," she called to his back as he left the room.

She flopped back onto the pillow, smile playing across her features as she thought about the night before. It has been wonderful, perfect even. The dinner, the wine, the walk, the sex. She giggled to herself slightly at that last thought and she felt her breathing quicken slightly at the mere memory of it. She couldn't think of a word to describe how amazing it had been. It was as though he knew me - almost as if he could read my mind and see exactly what I wanted. Her mind wandered happily over the memory as she played it out in her mind.

Sex with Spike. Making love to Spike. Spike making love to me She just didn't seem to be able to keep the giddy smile off her face.

And so much better than Riley had ever been. The thought rose unbidden from the depths of her mind and brought her down to earth with a crash.

Buffy was dressed in a long t-shirt and sitting on the edge of the bed when Spike walked in, towel slung loosely round his hips and still damp from the shower, his platinum blonde locks slightly curled and ruffled. He took one look at her and knew something was wrong. He cursed himself for a fool for thinking that there had been something more to the previous night's encounter than a rebound shag and started to put on his clothes, desperate that, if she was going to tell him where to go, he would at least have the dignity of not being bollock-naked at the time.

"We need to talk," she finally said, not sounding too enthusiastic about the idea.

Spike considered getting the jump on her. Turning round and telling her 'it had been fun, thanks a lot, but nothing more', but her couldn't do it. He knew her too well and knew that, no matter if that had been exactly what she had been going to say, hearing it come from him would devastate her. So he simply nodded and waited. She took a deep breath.

"I want you to know that last night, well, it was wonderful - one of the best of my life, in fact." She stood and walked towards him, stopping directly in front of him and meeting his eyes steadily. "And I don't regret one second of it."

"Why do I get the feeling that there's a 'but' coming sometime soon?" he asked, trying to keep his voice light, hardly daring to breathe as he waited for the line he knew would shatter his world.

"But we both know this can't go any further."

And there it was, the arrow through his heart. He waited, knowing there was more, knowing she'd feel the need to explain. She started pacing.

"Maybe, maybe if this had happened some other time, it would have worked and, another time, I would have been willing to give it a try." She stopped in front of him again. "But it's not another time - it's right now. I only split up with Riley the other day. It would kill him if I started dating you. I may not love the guy, but I do care about his feelings and I just can't do that to him."

Spike's heart clung on to the only bit of good news it could find - she had near as damned admitted to having feeling for him! Maybe I could talk her round, it could work - we could keep it a secret, Riley wouldn't have to know. If she knew how I felt about her.

"Buffy, I lo." he started.

"Please!" she interrupted quickly. "Please, I know this'll sound really harsh, but I don't want to know how you feel about me. I'd rather you didn't tell me." She brought a hand to her head and massaged her temple.

Cursing himself as an idiot once more, he went to her and took her into his arms. She let him hold her, unresisting, before he hooked a finger under her chin and guided her face up so that he could look her in the eye.

"I understand, pet. An' I won't say anything about any feelings, an' I won't tell anyone about what happened last night, all right? But I'm still your friend. I will always be there for you." He pulled away and looked her straight in the face. "Understand?"

"Yes," she said, almost meekly, suddenly feeling cowed under the intensity of his gaze.

"Okay then." He bent his head to kiss her and she closed her eyes and leaned into it, but it wasn't the passionate kiss of the night before, or even of earlier this morning. Instead he placed a brief kiss on the end of her nose and stepped back. She looked at him, mouth slightly agape, oddly disappointed. He shrugged.

"I should go - see you around" and with that, he turned and left.

Buffy sat down hard on the edge of the bed, hands clutching the mattress as she held back the compelling need to run after him. She hadn't expected him to suddenly leave like that.

Well, what the hell did you expect? That you could tell him 'thanks, it was nice, but I only wanted you for the sex, but hey, why don't you hang around for second helpings before I kick you out and pretend like this never happened? the little voice in the back of her head sneered sarcastically.

"There was no other way," she said to the empty room quietly. She just couldn't be with Spike - not like this. "I mean, what would people think?" she asked herself. "I'm just not the kind of girl who jumps from one bed to the next. I don't do that kind of thing."

Right. So it wasn't you that screwed Spike last night then?

"That was the alcohol," she tried to convince herself, but she knew it was a lie. The truth was what she'd told Spike earlier - that it had been amazing and she didn't regret it.

But, at the same time, it wasn't like her. The previous night had been something special. She'd felt as if the world was different. She'd spent her life being what she thought she should be, acting how she thought other people thought she should act and, suddenly, last night, the world changed.

She'd always known that she didn't have to act round Spike - that she could just be herself. Pretending to be anything else around him was a complete waste of time anyway - he always saw straight through her bullshit when she tried. He always saw her and if she tried to be anything else she just added fodder to his armoury of jibes and taunts.

And last night, alone with him, she'd felt free, unshackled and uncaring about the consequences of her actions. Suddenly the world simplified down to three little words - want, take, have. And she had.

But that was then - this was now and the reality of the world she had created for herself had come back home. And she did care - she cared about what other people thought of her, she cared about how they would view her actions and she didn't want to find out how they would react. So she took the easy way out - she didn't move off the bed.

Spike slammed his bedroom door behind him and threw his jacket violently onto his bed.

"Buggery, buggery, bollocksing, arse!" he shouted at the room as he repressed the urge to hit something.

"I am, without a doubt, the biggest ponce who ever walked the earth! What the hell was I thinking with the whole 'oh Buffy, I'll always be there for you, and don't worry - you can use me as a doormat anytime you want' speech? I should have just told the bloody bint where to go!"

He sat down on the bed and dropped his head into his hands. The truth was, he knew, that he knew exactly what he'd been thinking when he'd given her that line - he'd meant every word of it. He'd fallen hard and fast and the girl now, near enough, had a willing slave. As much as he might rant and rave about ditching her, he'd run through fire if she asked him to.

He just hoped it didn't come to that.