Chapter35

Willow looked up as her friends entered the room and slumped morosely on the couch. Silently, the redhead rose from her seat and disappeared into the kitchen, returning minutes later with two cups of tea. She thrust one into the unresisting hands of her best friend.

"Okay, what's up? And don't tell me nothing - I know you better than that," she said determinedly. Buffy looked at her and realised that there was no getting away from determined Willow.

"Spike's in love with me," she said resignedly.

"What?" Willow exclaimed.

"Spike's in love with me," Buffy repeated.

"He actually told you? He said 'I love you,'?"

"Well, no, but his mother said that she'd never seen him so in love."

"Oh." She paused. "Well, did you, somehow, I don't know, lead him on or anything?"

"No! Well, possibly, well, maybe," Buffy admitted.

"What did you do?" Willow asked seriously.

"Well," Buffy blushed and lowered her eyes to her mug of tea. "We've kinda, sorta, possibly, well, you see..."

"Yes...?"

"We've, well, we'vebeensleepingtogether," Buffy blurted out quickly.

"You've been huh?" Willow asked, dumbfounded.

"We've been sleeping together..." she said, hoping that her friend wasn't going to be too shocked at the news.

"For how long?"

"A while now."

"You never said..." Willow said, sounding hurt.

"I know, it's just..."

"And I didn't think you were interested in another relationship - that's what you said. That's what you always said when I asked and all that time you were seeing Spike!"

"No, no! Not Seeing! Never seeing - just, well, sleeping together..." Buffy trailed off as she realised how that sounded.

Willow raised an eyebrow and looked at her friend.

"I, well..." Buffy said, before Willow gave in and smiled.

"Okay, I'm being all non-judgementy here. I'm just a little hurt that you never told me," she admitted disappointedly.

"I know, I should have told you, I just didn't quite know how you'd react, and..." Buffy trailed off and they sat there in silence for a couple of minutes.

"So. Do you love him?" Willow asked eventually.

"I, er, what?" Buffy stuttered, obviously surprised by Willow's question.

"Do. You. Love. Spike?" Willow asked slowly.

"Well..." Buffy hesitated.

"Hmm?" Willow encouraged.

"No. I don't know. I... I don't want that kind of relationship right now. I... He wants the world and I can't give him that. I can't commit to that and he knows it. He knows I can't love him." Buffy spluttered.

"Why not?" Willow asked, not trying to hide her confusion. She could understand if her friend simply didn't love him, but Buffy seemed to be very carefully dancing round the subject of her feelings and Willow was convinced there was something her friend wasn't admitting.

"I just can't have a serious relationship right now. After the whole Riley thing - that was so intense. I just. I just can't do it." Buffy admitted quietly, gazing intently at her hands.

"So, what you going to do about Spike?"

"I just don't know." Buffy admitted and looked up at Willow. "This changes everything. It was fun, but... I really care about him, Will, as a friend - can I really carry on knowing how he feels about me. I'm just not ready to give him that, I can't promise..." Buffy hiccupped back a sob and trailed off. "I'm tired, Will. I'm gonna go to bed. Thanks - I guess I needed to get some things off my chest."

"That's okay - you know I'm here if you want to talk about it, okay?" Willow told her friend sympathetically as Buffy stood and made her way out of the room, passing Xander on the stairs as she left.

Xander turned to Willow and took in the obvious look of concern on her face.

"What was all that about?" he asked, indicating the direction in which the blonde had just left.

"Spike's in love with her," Willow explained.

"Well, yeah, duh. Tell me something I don't know!" he declared.

"She's only just realised it." Willow answered, deciding to keep the more risqué element of their conversation from the delicate ears of her easily shocked friend.

"Oh."

"Yep."

"And you thought I was blind!" he exclaimed, shaking his head.