Chapter 37

Buffy pulled up outside the hotel and mentally steeled herself to go inside, wondering if Spike had arrived yet, not sure how she was going to broach the subject she knew she was inevitable.

Once again, she wondered if she'd made the right choice, unable to control or dismiss the sinking feeling that had appeared in her stomach on Thursday night when she'd agreed to see Angel again the following week, when she'd let him kiss her.

She took a deep breath and told herself again that this was for the best. That Angel was a nice guy. That it was the best and easiest way to stop this thing with Spike before it went any further. That it was the best thing for both of them. That it would be less cruel than stringing him along now that she really knew how he felt.

She let the endless list of excuses - reasons, she thought firmly – run in a constant stream through her mind as she tried not to think about the inevitable look on Spike's face when he found out, as she steeled herself against it and determined that what she was doing really was for the best.

Resolute, she opened the car door, collected her bag from the back seat and walked into the hotel.

"Hiya pet!" Spike called from his position lying on the bed as she entered their hotel room. Buffy steeled herself and smiled with a cheeriness she didn't feel inside.

"Hi!" she said as she walked into the room and threw herself down onto the bed beside him, leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. He looked at her and frowned.

"Don't I get a proper kiss?" he asked teasingly, pulling her towards him and capturing her in a deeply passionate kiss.

Buffy's mind swam for a second as she battled with herself, knowing that she should pull away and trying to find the will power to do so. Eventually, it was Spike who broke the kiss, pulling away for some much needed air. Buffy used the moment to stand up from the bed, busying herself with unpacking her bag and carefully hanging her dress away in the wardrobe before it creased.

"So, do I get to see what you'll be wearing tonight?" Spike asked, leaning back against the pillows, his hands resting casually behind his head.

"No, you don't. You'll just have to wait," she threw back at him with a laugh as she walked into the ensuite bathroom and deposited her toiletry bag on the side.

"In for a surprise then, am I, luv?" he called to her. Buffy leaned against the doorway to the bathroom and smiled at him, finally managing to relax for the first time in days as they fell back into their usual friendly banter.

"You okay, luv?" Spike asked, concerned. "You seem a little, I dunno, quiet."

Buffy thought about it for a minute. This was it, her way in. He'd given her the perfect opportunity to broach the subject. Then she looked at him, lying on the bed, not a care in the world, looking up at her with those bottomless blue eyes, hair all ruffled and messy in the way that she found unaccountably sexy and she just couldn't do it. She couldn't spoil the evening for him. She remembered why she was here and how much he wanted this evening to go well. She couldn't do it – not now, not yet. She'd tell him later, afterwards.

Decision made, she smiled at him and forced an airy tone into her voice. "Oh, nothing really, just a little tired from the journey, that's all. Think I'm gonna go and have a shower – guess we'll have to get ready soon, right?"

"Yeah, actually. You want some company in that shower?" he asked with a slight leer, curling his tongue up behind his teeth in that way that made her knees turn to jelly.

"You and I both know that if you did that we'd never get downstairs," she admonished lightly, hoping that he wouldn't put the matter.

Her hopes were answered as he sighed wistfully and turned back to the TV. "I know. Go on then. Shower."

Spike could hardly stop himself from grinning like some kind of maniac as he walked into the hotel ballroom, Buffy on his arm. He looked around and made his way over to their allocated table, holding back the almost uncontrollable urge to jump up onto the nearest table and shout out to the world how fabulous the woman on his arm was.

Buffy had really outdone herself tonight and was looking absolutely radiant. The plain, blue sheath dress she was wearing looked anything but as it fitted her to perfection, draping sensuously over her curves and falling to just below her knees, the slightly metallic sheen of the material catching the dimmed light of the magnificent hotel ballroom they were currently traversing. Spike smiled down at her in awe as heads turned to watch the golden couple pass and he pushed away the dark thoughts and his knowledge that none of this was real and that she wasn't really his in the hope that maybe, one day, that would all change and he could finally let her know how he felt.

Buffy had been quiet since her arrival earlier, but she swore to him that it was just a result of the journey and a touch of nervousness at the thought of spending an evening in the company of strangers. Spike had tried to put her at her ease, guaranteeing that all the people they were to sit with that night were friendly and easy to get on with, but she had remained subdued.

Buffy herself was currently lost in her thoughts, wondering how she had got herself into this situation and how on earth she would be able to find the courage to tell Spike. She had realised as they walked into the room, that she wasn't taking the easy way out at all, that Angel didn't make the situation easier to deal with, that he wasn't the 'excuse' she'd been thinking of him as. He was a complication, and there was a high chance that the news would break Spike's heart. But there was no going back now and she was determined to go through with it.

She just had to get through the evening first.

Another couple were sat at the table when they arrived and the man stood up to welcome them.

"Spike, buddy!" he said in a friendly and enthusiastic greeting before turning to Buffy. "And this must be the lovely Buffy – he's told me so much about you. I'm Clem, by the way. And this is Carla, my girlfriend." The woman sat at the table waved a quiet hello and smiled shyly.

Ahh, another person who's daunted by the whole host of complete strangers then, Buffy thought, somewhat comforted by the idea as they took their seats at the table.

As the evening progressed, they were joined by other couples and Buffy let the small talk wash over her, watching Spike as he effortlessly seemed to manage the conversation around the table, making people howl with laughter one moment and engage in serious conversation about something or other the next. He seemed to be having a great time and Buffy made sure that her smile stayed on all night and she put up the appropriate pretence of enjoyment she felt was expected of her.

But she felt anything but happy inside; where she was feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the situation and with the fact that Spike had seemed quite happy to let the table and, indeed, the whole room at this rate, assume that she was his girlfriend.

Never particularly comfortable with the lie before, she now felt awkward and somewhat embarrassed by it now. But she the thought that had her most off-kilter about the whole situation was that she had a steadily increasing feeling that she was betraying Spike with the lie, with the knowledge that the lie had to end – that it stopped tonight.

"You want to dance?" Spike's question pulled Buffy out of her thoughts and back to the present. She looked at him and tried to think of an excuse, but none came to the fore. She smiled and nodded, letting herself be led out onto the dance floor.

The band struck up a slow tune and Spike gathered her into his arms, resting his face in her hair as they moved together on the floor.

"Are you okay?" he asked gently.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"You sure, you've been awfully quiet tonight, it's just not like you, Buffy."

"I'm fine, just a little tired, that's all," she said, hoping that he wouldn't see through the lie.

"Look, we're all done here. I mean, the party'll go on for hours, but we could slip away and not be missed. If you're tired..." Spike replied.

"That would be good," Buffy admitted, knowing that if they left it would only bring forward the inevitable, but unable to stand the feelings she was having any longer.

Spike gently took her by the hand and led her from the room.

She almost flinched as Spike shut the door to their hotel room behind him. Buffy hugged herself as she stood by the window and looked out onto the city below them, watching the lights of the car pass by in the night. She didn't dare turn around, knowing that when she did she would be forced to face up to the decision she'd made.

She felt him stand behind her and she tensed slightly as he wrapped his arms around her, pressing close to her body.

"You cold?" he asked quietly, gently removing her hands and rubbing at her arms.

"A little," she said, more because it was something to say than because it was true, as she let Spike turn her to face him. She could hardly breathe as she let him tilt her head upwards. It was almost as if she were elsewhere as she watched his head descend towards her.

"Cor, pet. I've missed you so much," he breathed before he captured her mouth in a searing kiss.

For a moment, Buffy kissed him back, losing herself in him as had happened so often before. She felt her arms reach up and lock round the back of his neck, pulling him willingly deeper into the kiss before her mind snapped back into play and she suddenly broke off, pushing him away and moving to the other side of the room.

Spike frowned and moved towards her. "What's wrong, luv?" he asked, obviously confused by her sudden actions.

"We have to talk," she said sadly, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Oh. This doesn't sound good," he said, a trace of dread tingeing his tone.

Buffy was silent for a moment, wondering how best to phrase what she was about to say. Then she suddenly realised that there was no best way to tell him. She took a deep breath and looked him straight in the eye. "I'm seeing someone else," she said simply.

Spike's eyes bugged as he took in the news, not wanting to believe that he'd heard her right, but knowing that he had.

"Since when," he asked coldly, wondering if she'd been seeing someone else the previous weekend. Wondering if all the time he'd held her in his arms, she'd been thinking of someone else. Wondering if... he quickly shook that destructive line of thought from his mind.

"Not long, just this week, but I thought," she hesitated, her voice faltering as she took in the look in Spike's eyes. The hurt, the betrayal that she'd been dreading, but she forged determinedly onward. "I thought that I should tell you now. It was what we agreed, that if there was ever..."

"I know what we agreed Buffy," Spike interrupted harshly, before sighing, his expression turning contrite as he sat beside her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap, it's just..."

"I just can't go on like this, Spike. I'm using you."

"You notice me complaining?" he asked, starting to wonder and - if he would allow the train of thought to enter his consciousness - even hope that there was no one else, that she'd just said that to give her a reason to leave. That he could talk her round. But one look at her told him all he needed to know. She wasn't lying to him, nothing but the harsh truth was evident in her eyes.

"I'm sorry." She rose from the bed and resumed her position at the window, staring out into space.

He looked at her, words escaping him for a moment. The moonlight streaming through the window catching glints in her long hair, making it shine and giving her an ethereal gleam. He watched her for what felt like an eternity before he spoke again.

"What's his name?" he asked, resignation evident in his voice.

"Does it matter?" she asked sadly, not looking at him as her eyes remained steadily fixed on the now decreasing volume of traffic passing below.

"I guess not."

Silence descended on the room once more as the two figures lapsed back into their own thoughts.

Buffy held back a tear as she felt him once more take up position at her shoulder, but this time no warm, strong arms encircled her.

"I'm sorry," she repeated, her voice so quiet that for a moment Spike wondered if he'd heard her properly.

"Nothing to be sorry for, luv," he said, his voice coarse with highly controlled emotion. "I knew where I stood, same as you. Knew what I signed on for. You've been nothing but fair about the whole thing."

It was then that the tears began to flow, with the words of kindness. She turned and buried her face in her shoulder, not thinking about her actions, just needing the comfort and support of her best friend. She melted into him as his arms held her tight and she finally let go of all the emotion she'd held inside her since the previous weekend.

"Hush, luv. It'll be okay," Spike murmured, whispering words of comfort without really thinking what he was saying or why, just knowing that she needed to hear them.

"I'm so sorry," she sobbed over and over into his shoulder until she started to cry herself out and the sobs subsided.

He waited until she fell quiet before he pulled back and made her look at him. "I promised you once that I would always be your friend, that I would always be there for you. I still mean that – this doesn't change any of that. Promise me that won't change?" he said firmly.

"Are you sure?" she asked timidly, hardly daring to believe that he could still want to be in the same room as her after the way she'd treated him, never mind still want to be her friend.

"Of course I'm bloody sure – never been more sure of anything in me life!" he declared with a genuine smile.

"I'll really like that," she admitted as he pulled her back into his arms and held her.