Chapter 39

Willow peered round the door to Buffy's bedroom, fully expecting to see her friend in floods of tears from Spike's report.

Instead she found Buffy sitting in front of her mirror, applying makeup with a fairly steady hand. Reminding herself that she wasn't meant to know about the recent argument, Willow hid her surprise and walked into the room.

"Hiya," she said, wondering how she was going to broach the subject.

Buffy looked up. "Hi," she replied before turning back to the mirror to do her mascara.

"You going out?" Willow asked.

"Yep," Buffy replied, her monosyllabic responses the only clue that anything was wrong.

"Where you going?" Willow preserved.

"Angel's," she said as she brushed out her hair.

Willow tried to hide her surprise. "Really?" she asked, failing miserably.

With a sigh, Buffy put down the brush and turned to her friend, tears forming in her eyes.

"He stood me up again this afternoon," she admitted sadly. "And I realised something – Spike's right."

"You talked to Spike about this?" Willow asked, somewhat incredulously, before cursing herself mentally for letting that slip – she didn't actually think that Buffy should be talking to Spike about her relationship, but this was hardly the time to go into that.

"Yes, why?" Buffy asked warily.

"Oh, nothing, go on," Willow said, trying to deflect the subject.

"I realised that he was right," Buffy continued. "Angel finds excuses not to see me more than we date. Hell, we don't even argue about it – I just find myself meekly submitting to his endless excuses. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I should never have gone out with him in the first place, but I seem to have become the Queen of bad decisions lately." Buffy stood up and grabbed her jacket off the bed. "But that's gonna change. And the first step has to be breaking up with Angel," she declared with determination.

"Really?" was all Willow could think to say, shocked as she was at her friend's resoluteness.

"Really," Buffy confirmed, before taking a deep breath and walking out of the room.

"So, she's actually going to dump him then?" Cordelia asked in disbelief. "Ha! I'll believe that when I see it!"

"No – really. I've never seen Buffy look so determined," Willow argued.

The girls – Willow, Tara, Cordelia and Anya – were sat around the lounge, having banned Xander from the house. The girls' night had been planned for some time and, naturally, Buffy's absence had been immediately noted, the reason for her absence quickly discovered, and thereafter hotly debated.

"Hmm, we'll see," Cordelia said, doubtfully, taking a sip of her wine.

"I think she'll do it," Tara said quietly. "Willow said that she seemed really determined and she can be very stubborn when she wants to be."

"Well, if I were her, I'd dump the bastard," Anya declared with her usual bluntness.

"Here, here!" Cordelia agreed and the two girls toasted their enlightenment with more wine.

"Looks like I'm missing quite a party," a cheerless voice said from the stairwell. The four turned to see a somewhat dishevelled Buffy standing in the entrance to the room. Her hair was a mess and she'd obviously been crying – the mascara that had been so carefully applied that afternoon was now streaked down her cheeks, the way it was smeared making it clear that Buffy had, at some point, tried to wipe her tears away.

Willow stood silently and crossed the room to embrace her distraught-looking friend and was unsurprised when Buffy simply melted into her arms and sobbed against her shoulder. Willow gently walked her across the room whilst the other girls moved to make room for her on the sofa.

"You've been gone for hours – where've you been?" Willow asked kindly when Buffy seemed to be calming down.

Buffy opened her mouth to speak, but Anya interrupted before she could say a word as she trust a brimming glass of wine into Buffy's hands.

"Drink – it'll make you feel better. Or, if it doesn't, it'll make you care less – either way, the world will seem like a nicer place!" she advised with a smile.

Buffy looked at her, astonished, for a moment, then smiled a small but genuine smile and took a small sip of her ice cold white wine.

"Anyway," Cordelia said, shooting Anya a glare. "Buffy. You were saying..."

"Wandering, I guess," she said.

"Wandering?" Tara asked with obvious concern. "But, it's cold out there."

"I know – that's what drove me back here eventually."

"Did you talk to Angel?" Cordelia asked with a stunning lack of tact and far too much enthusiasm. Buffy looked questioningly at Willow.

"Hey – they wanted to know where you'd gone. Didn't realise it was some kind of big secret," Willow said, a little defensively.

"I guess it's not. Sorry Will – it's just been a long day."

"So – did you talk to him?" Cordelia repeated.

"Yes, Cordy – I talked to him," Buffyy said wearily, slumping back against the sofa and looking up at the ceiling.

"And..." the brunette pressed. "Did you end it?"

"Did I end it?" Buffy mulled the question over before looking up. "That would have to be a 'no'," she said emotionlessly.

Cordelia and Anya shared an 'I told you so' look quickly, before turning back to Buffy, looks of concern and support fixed on their faces.

"But, I thought..." Willow started, confused.

"I know. I left all determined to end it. And I would have, it's just, well. He dumped me!" Buffy said, anger evident in her tone towards the end of the revelation.

"He what?" Anya and Cordelia shouted in unison.

"I know! Can you believe the nerve of the guy? I mean, he treats me like shit for months and then, the very day that I decide that I've had enough and go round to end it, he dumps me. And he doesn't even have the nerve to do it in person! Look!" she handed Cordelia her mobile phone.

"Buffy. Don't think this is working, do you? Maybe it's best if we just go our separate ways. Angel." She read off the screen.

"But, isn't this what you wanted?" Tara asked kindly.

"No, yes, well. Argh! This is so like him. Always has to be in control. It's just so frustrating. Yes, this does accomplish what I wanted, but..." she trailed off.

"You wanted the satisfaction of throwing everything back in his face and watching it drop as you walked away," Anya said in the tone of someone who knew what they were talking about.

"Exactly!" Buffy agreed.

"So, if this all happened before you got to Angel's, where have you been all this time?" Cordelia asked in confusion. "I mean – and no offence Buffy, but, well, you're a complete mess. But you don't seem too upset about this. Not 'crying-your-heart-out' upset, more, 'ripping-the-throat-out-of-something' upset."

Buffy stiffened suddenly and her expression took on a 'rabbit caught in headlights' tone. "I don't want to talk about it," she said.

"Oh no," Cordelia declared. "You don't get out of it that easily, Missy. We want gossip and we want it now – and right now, you're the best source of that. So, 'fess up, what happened?"

Buffy took a deep breath, followed by a large gulp of wine. "Well, I got the text from Angel and I was so angry, I really needed to talk to someone about it. So I called Spike."

"You did what?" Cordelia exploded. "Why? I mean, what where you thinking?"

"But, I always call Spike when I have a problem," Buffy said, obviously confused by Cordelia's reaction.

"But, about Angel?" Cordelia asked in disbelief.

"Yes, about Angel. Spike made me promise that if I ever needed to talk about a relationship or problems I was having, that I'd call him."

"But, Angel?" Cordelia repeated. "I mean, Buffy. It's the worst-kept secret in the world that Spike's in love with you and that you only want to be friends. Don't you think it's a little, well, insensitive of you to go parading your relationships in front of him like that?" she asked with exasperation.

Buffy fell quiet for a moment, then her eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped open. "Oh, God," she looked at the brunette, who nodded. "God – I never thought about it like that before. Oh. That's it – it's official. I'm the world's biggest bitch!" her eyes welled up with tears as the full realisation of what she had been doing hit her suddenly.

"But, if you didn't realise. I mean, you didn't do it on purpose," Willow said, trying to console her friend.

"Yeah, right – I might not have realised, but only cos I never stopped to think about it! Am I really that self-centred? I mean, not once did I stop to think about Spike in all of this. I just took him at his word when he said he wanted to know and not once did I think how it might hurt him!"

"I thought everyone knew that you never talked to a man about another man when you knew that the first man wanted to sleep with you," Anya said.

"Yes, well. I guess I'm just stupid then. Anyway, it doesn't matter now," Buffy said, trying to blink back the tears.

"What do you mean?" Willow asked.

"I mean that he doesn't want to sleep with me – as Anya so eloquently put it – anymore."

"Whatever makes you think that? Once a man wants to sleep with you, he always wants to sleep with you – unless he's already slept with you and married you and divorced you, and then they might change their mind. But even that's not guaranteed." Anya said with authority.

"I didn't mean it like that. I mean, it doesn't matter because he's moved on. He's found someone else," Buffy said with a sob. "I phoned him tonight. He didn't answer the phone – a girl did. She passed me onto Spike. Apparently, her name's Sophie and they were going out to dinner. He has a new girlfriend."

"And this bothers you, why, exactly?" Cordelia asked. "I mean, you've made it perfectly clear many, many times in the past that you have absolutely no interest in Spike in that way. Surely you should be happy that he's moved on, gone out and got himself a girlfriend?"

Buffy looked at Willow as a further tear trickled down her face. The redhead gave her hand a light squeeze, but looked perplexed by her friend's reaction.

"He was so mean about it, Will. He told me that he 'had a life as well'," she sobbed, realising how much she must have hurt him in the past. "I mean, I always knew that he did, but he was always just there. He's always been so supportive, I just never thought..."

Cordelia and Anya shared a confused look. It was obvious that there was something going on that they didn't know about, but they couldn't work out what it was.

"But, Buffy," Willow said. "I thought you decided that it was over?"

"Over? What's over? Over suggests a beginning. There was a beginning? Okay, now you really have to explain!" Cordelia demanded, seeing her opening.

"Spike and I had a thing. I found out he loved me. I ended it. He made me promise that we'd still be best friends and if I ever had a problem – about anything – then I'd come to him first. I stupidly thought he meant it. Add the whole Angel thing on top of that and you have a perfect recipe for Buffy life disaster."

"You and Spike had a thing?" Cordelia said in disbelief.

"Did he give you many fabulous orgasms?" Anya asked.

Buffy laughed. "Actually, yes he did, but that's hardly the point."

"What is the point, Buffy?" Cordelia asked. "I mean, you say that you ended it, but you find out he's dating and come home looking like your world's just fallen apart. Anyone would think you were in love with him."

"That's what I realised. Why I've been gone so long. I think I might be," Buffy said quietly.