Chapter Three- The Relatives

Written by the Big Friendly Walrus

Seeing a mansion was not a rarity for Artemis Fowl and Juliet Butler. After all, they both lived in one. But if you were to see their looks on their faces as they saw Paul's massive mansion, you would believe that they had lived their lives in the suburbs.

The house itself seemed like it was glowing. Artemis strained his eyes to see a patch of grass missing, a flower missing a petal, a fleck of paint chipped off, a peace of dog poo lying on the front yard. Anything at all to make it seem less than perfect, but nothing came.

Juliet's response was simpler. "Wow."

"You like it?" Said Paul with a grin.

Artemis tried something but all that came out was a small squeak.

Juliet looked around. "Is it just you and your wife?"

Paul shook his head. "Nope. We also live with our son, Ferguson and my father." He paused, then gestured towards the door. "Where are my manners? Will you please come in?"

From the kitchen, there was the sound of someone settling dinnerware, and the smell of lobster.

"Delicious," Artemis said.

"Honey?" Said a female voice. Artemis recognized it as Paul's wife, the one on the phone. "You here?"

"Yes, dear." Said Paul in the honey-laden voice he spoke with in the car. Artemis gritted his teeth. Had he been in the presence of anyone else save for his own blood that spoke in that tone, no doubt he'd do some verbal tongue-lashing.

"I'm glad you're here." Paul's wife, Jewl, said from the kitchen. "Dinner will be ready in a couple of minutes."

Paul turned to Artemis and Juliet. "You two can go upstairs and watch TV, or I can show you your rooms on the third floor."

"I believe we can find our rooms on our own, thank you very much." Said Artemis in a brisk tone. Juliet punched him in the ribs. Artemis looked around and coughed. "Yes, I think the television would be nice." The two walked upstairs. Perhaps Juliet had hindsight for finding televisions, as she found the room where the television set was in record time. There were three oversized chairs in the room, and one huge couch. There were some bookcases around the room. Artemis looked around for some sort of reference book to pass the time. While he was browsing, Juliet turned on the TV.

It was on one of the local news channel. "Samuel Refferlock was found this evening in his tollbooth, with something lodged in his brain." Said a reporter with thinning hair. "His hands were also shot, but it's clear the device in his brain is the cause of his damage. It's unclear that he will wake up any time soon. Whether this was a terrorist attack remains to be seen. But whether it's a terrorist attack or just plain assault, many are worried about the device itself."

The screen then cut to a scientist. "I've never seen anything like it. Its years beyond the technology we have."

Artemis squinted. He felt a sense of déjà vu. But he couldn't remember at all where he saw this.

Juliet looked at Artemis. "I thought what Uncle Paul did—"

"—was supposed to wipe out his memory, not put him in a coma, I know."

They heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Artemis looked at Juliet. "Quick! Give me the remote!"

"Why?"

Artemis jumped on the couch and grabbed it, changing it to one of Juliet's wrestling channels. Artemis wrinkled his nose. Barbaric. "Ho, ho! My, did you see how, ah, he just crushed that guy's head? Fantastic!"

Juliet grinned. "I never knew you liked wrestling."

"Of course I do!" Artemis laughed. Uncle Paul had just arrived in the doorway.

"Dinner's ready." He said. He looked at Artemis for a second, and then walked downstairs.

No one was at the table yet, except for Paul. Artemis and Juliet took the seats farthest away from him. Gleaming white tableware was laid out all over the table. A jug of water was in the center. Artemis poured himself a glass of water and drank it.

"Jewl should be here any minute." Paul said.

As soon as he said this, they heard Jewl's voice from the kitchen. "Dinner's ready, sweeties!"

Nothing could prepare Artemis for the monstrosity that just walked in. Jewl had to weigh about three hundred pounds. At least. Her strapless sparkling dress barely kept in her overflowing bust. Her facial features were hidden in a mass of flab, with two beady eyes staring out. Her arms seemed to be the size of tree trunks. Her long blonde hair was tied up in a bun. Artemis realized the sick joke; Jewl may not like cooking, but she loved to eat. In her flabby arms was a plate with a steaming lobster, surrounding by vegetables. Delicious, but Artemis had lost his appetite.

Jewl laid the plate on the table and sat on the seat. The seat creaked under her weight. Juliet gave a nervous giggle that changed into a cough when she saw Artemis was looking at her. Paul stretched his finger to the plate when Jewl slapped his hand.

"Wait until Ferguson and your pops come, sweety!" She said.

"Okie dokie, hunny bun!" He said, giving her googly-eyes.

Paul turned towards Artemis and Juliet. "Be nice to Ferguson; he's a bit slow."

"Of course." Said Artemis. "Where is he now?"

"Well," Paul thought for a second. "Ferguson will probably be in his room playing video games." He paused, and then raised his voice. "Ferguson!" He called. "Din-din's ready!"

Artemis felt a rumbling down the stairs. Paul had apparently tried to do the work of the fictional Victor Frankenstein. Here was a large, lumbering monster patched from human body parts. Its eyes stared blankly. Artemis rubbed his eyes. No, it wasn't a monster in the vein of Frankenstein, but it was horrible in its own right. He would make a great mobster henchman when he grew older. Whereas Paul and his obese wife dressed like rich, elegant people Ferguson wore a farmer's overalls over a dirty T-shirt. He had a short, butch crewcut. He seemed to be as tall as Butler, but unlike Butler, this size seemed way to big for him. It was as if someone stretched him apart.

He rumbled over to Artemis and stared at him. Artemis sipped his water calmly. Ferguson didn't move.

"Yes?" Said Artemis.

"You're sitting in my seat." Ferguson rumbled, his large arms swinging like a gorilla.

"Fergy, dear," Said Jewl in a sickeningly sweet voice. "You can sit next to daddy today. Is that okay?"

Ferguson stared at Artemis for a good minute longer. Then he sat down in the seat next to Paul. Paul patted his back like a master does to a good dog.

Juliet shot Artemis a look. Just a little weird, you said?

Artemis shrugged. There came the shuffling of a walker from outside the room.

"That must be Pops." Said Paul.

An old man walked inside the room. The closest thing that Artemis could compare him to was that horrific old man from the Six Flags commercial they saw at the airport. He looked like a living representation of death itself. His hands were covered in spots. His skin seemed to stretch tautly across his skull. He had a few strands of hair on his bald skull. He had thick black glasses.

"Not nice to stare, sonny boy." The old man wheezed. "Didn't your mama tell you that?"

Five minutes later, the old man got to his seat and sat in the one next to Ferguson.

There was an awkward moment of silence. The old man coughed.

"Do we eat now?" Said Ferguson, looking around.

"Yes." Said Paul. "Everyone dig in!"

"I can't wait!" Squealed Jewl, her cheeks quivering with excitement.

Everyone helped himself or herself to some lobster. Artemis slowly cut the lobster in bite-sized chunks and ate them with a fork. Ferguson ate his like he would a chicken-leg. Jewl had helped herself to twice the normal size and was eating it ravenously. Lobsterjuice dribbled down her face. Artemis blanched.

"So," said Paul. "How's life with you and your sister?"

"Quite well," Said Artemis, sipping his water. "Thanks for asking."

The old man was cleaning his false teeth in his water glass. "Eeeww!" Said Juliet. "That's disgusting!"

The old man put his teeth back in his gums. "Gawdammit, you should respect your elders better. Besides, if you two are related, how come you have blonde hair and he has black hair?"

Artemis sipped his water and spoke with no hesitation. "We are not twins. Juliet was born before I was. Our mother has blonde hair, and our father dark. It all depends on dominant genes." Artemis said. That wasn't entirely true, but the old man seemed satisfied. He was helping himself to another lobster piece.

Artemis would feel guilty of thinking this in the future, but right now nothing stopped him. He felt dirty that these-these people shared the Fowl name. Artemis had always expected the Fowl name to be synonymous with excellence, not for these eccentric loonies.

Artemis sighed and wiped his mouth. "May I be excused?"

Paul nodded, bits of food spilling from his mouth.

This business associate better be worth it, Artemis thought, with all the stuff that he had to put up with.

After dinner, Artemis sat down in with a glass of cool water and watched some debate on environmental laws on the television. Ferguson came in. He stared at Artemis for a good five minutes before asking, "How come you always drink water? Doesn't it make you go pee?"

Artemis pretended he didn't hear Ferguson. He increased the volume on the set.

Ferguson sat down on the chair opposite Artemis. He looked at the screen for a couple of seconds, before turning to Artemis.

"This is boring."

"Of course it's boring," Artemis snapped. "You are a mental baboon. Nothing compared to my intellect. So of course, you would find it 'boring'."

With that, Artemis stormed upstairs. Ferguson sat there, looking slack-jawed. "Huh?"

Artemis lay on his bed, thinking.

He thought about many things. He thought about Butler, lying in the hospital. He thought about his business associate. He thought about the strange sense of déjà vu when he saw certain things, like the box of Lucky Charms in the cabinet. Maybe a walk around the house outside would help clear his mind.

He got up and twisted the doorknob. It would have been locked from the outside. Why would Paul (or whoever had done it) want to lock him up in his room?

Now feeling a bit scared (but just a little bit) Artemis fell back onto his bed. What would Butler have done? Most likely kick the door down, Artemis thought with a grin.

While he was thinking, there came a soft tapping on his window. Artemis looked and there, in the window, was a fairy. It had the typical fairy characteristics; pointed ears, small size, wings, etceteras. However, the fairy's wings seemed almost artificial and mechanical. An elf perhaps?

Whereas most people would be horrified if, in the middle of the night, a supernatural creature would tap on their window, Artemis merely tried to deduce the entity. Of course, had this creature been some sort of pale vampire scratching its fingers against the window rather than some sort of fairy, he might have been a little scared.

The fairy (if that's what it was) tapped its fingers on the window once more. Artemis slowly opened it. The fairy was probably a female. She, had hazelnut skin, and cropped red hair. Her eyes were also brown. Artemis had hit puberty recently, and he found her very attractive. In a tomboyish sort of way.

"Can I come in?" She said.

Artemis nodded slowly. The fairy flew in and landed on Artemis's bed. "I'm glad that worked, considering this isn't really your house."

Artemis shifted uncomfortably. "If you don't mind me asking; who are you? To be more specific, what are you?"

The creature stared at Artemis. "Oh, I keep on forgetting that we mind wiped you. I'm Holly Short. I'm a LEPRecon Captain."

"So you're a leprechaun?" Asked Artemis.

"No, that's just a job." Said Holly. "I'm a fairy. This is probably going to sound crazy, but we once knew each other. Chances are you're not going to understand what I'm going to say, but you have to believe me."

Artemis grinned humorlessly. "I have no problem believing you. I'm not one of those fools who doesn't believe evidence when it's staring them in the face."

"Right." Said Holly. "As I've said before, we once knew each other. In fact, you pretty much knew about all of us. We had to mind wipe you--"

"What about Butler? Did he know?"

"Yes, and so did your other bodyguard, Juliet." Holly said. "Anyway, we need to get you out of here now."

"What about Juliet?"

"We're going to come back, but its imperative we get your mind restored before we do anything with her. It'll make it a bit easier."

Artemis went through his drawers for some clothes. "Out of curiosity, how did we meet?"

There was a small moment of silence. Not too big, but big enough to know that he had said something wrong.

"It doesn't matter any more." Said the fairy, in a somewhat cold voice. "Besides, you'll find out soon enough."

Artemis got his clothes on in silence. When he was done tying his shoes, he asked, "This has something to do with the Refferlock person, the guy at the toll booth, doesn't it?" He had a memory of the guy screaming in sheer agony.

"Yes, and no." Holly said, sitting next to Artemis on the bed. "We have a monitoring on pretty much everything that involves you."

"Big brother is watching you." Artemis said, under his breath.

"If you knew what you were, you'd understand our paranoia." Holly said. "Anyway, we heard about the toll booth guard from one of Foaly's satellites. Being as he was related to you, and that he accessed technology that no one could comprehend, we got a bit worried. We doubted that you had anything to do with it, but he may or may not be accessing fairy technology. Either way, another Fowl knowing about the fairies is one hell of a coincidence."

"Sort of like a Charles Dickens novel." Said Artemis.

"Hm?"

"A lot of his books had coincidences in them. For example, in his novel Great Expectations, a young boy helped out a convict. Later, a benefactor helped him get rich, and the benefactor turned out to be the very same convict from before."

"That sounds interesting," Said Holly, adjusting a clip on her belt. "I'll have to ask Foaly if he has it recorded on his computer."

"Why did you come to me?" Artemis asked. "Are Juliet and I in danger?"

Holly sighed. "Well, Paul Fowl isn't exactly sane. This you know. I doubt you are in mortal danger, but he does have a bad temper that escalates. And you do have a habit of pushing people's nerves."

Artemis grinned.

"Chances are you can help us with this scenario, although Root was very, ah, hesitant in letting me come here." Holly pressed another button on her belt. "Besides, I missed you. I...wanted to see you again."

There was a moment of awkward silence, when Artemis pointed at the button she was poking on her belt. "What's that?"

"Its something to use to attach heavier stuff on my belt when I fly."

Artemis gulped. "That heavier object wouldn't be me, would it?"

Holly grinned. "Smart little mud boy, aren't you?" Before Artemis could say anything, Holly attached Artemis onto her belt and leapt out the window. Artemis let out a scream.

As cool and calculated Artemis was, he had a fear of heights. He closed his eyes and put his arms around Holly's waist as if he was in danger of falling. Holly let out a laugh. She did miss the old Artemis, but this new one did have its quirks.

"Its nice to see you, Artemis." Said Holly with a grin. "I missed this a lot."

Inside Artemis's room, there was a jingling of keys outside the door. The door opened. A figure came in and looked around. The sheets were tangled up. The cabinet open. And Artemis was missing.

The figure let out a scream and threw the mattress onto the floor with a thump. He smacked the lamp. It fell to the floor with a crash.

Panting heavily, the figure noticed the opened window. He looked outside it and saw two small silhouettes against the moon. The figure stood there for a good while longer before leaving the room and closing the door.