The Very Secret Diary of Arwen, part II

Day One:

Fellowship been away for absolutely ages now. V lonely. Desperate for male attention of any kind, even that of the hobbit-obsessed. Why has Gimli never called? Do not understand. Perhaps is dead. Or maybe seeing Legolas. Would explain it.

Day Two:

Daddy being all weird ever since Council. Claims it is because fate of Middle-earth rests on tiny gay men but secretly know it is because everyone in Middle-earth and his fell beast keep telling Daddy purple is not his colour. Whatever the reason, cannot cope with deranged parents for long. May be forced to emigrate back to Valinor at this rate.

Day Three:

'Borrowed' Daddy's telepathic skillz to catch up on Fellowship today. Only three of them left. Complete mystery as to how Legolas survived huge fight with Uruk-hai while Boromir did not. Suspect foul play involved.

Meanwhile, Aragorn still not big on the hair washing front, but has souped up his angst-o-meter. Got all screamy when learned smallest hobbits were dead. Not that I mind the pervy-hobbit-fancying anymore, too desperate to be fussy at the moment.

Day Four:

Gandalf made his triumphant return. Did not even realize he was meant to be dead. Remainder of Fellowship clearly impressed by Gandalf's new look. Idiots. All he does is bleach his robes and get rid of that awful pointy hat and they think he's some kind of god-sent force of good. Anyhoo, they're off to Rohan. Great. Expect more heroic whinging from Eomer et al any day now.

Day Five:

Fellowship in Edoras, Gandalf exorcized Theoden, blah blah yadda yadda. Only important thing is skanky ho Eowyn, throwing herself at my pervy hobbit fancier. Knew should've killed her at our last girlie coffee morning. Or at least chopped large parts of her hair off.

Day Seven:

Knew Gimli was good for something other than meaningless retaliation-sex. Totally working his butt off to keep Eowyn away from Aragorn. Must remind self to hug him when am wife of King of Gondor.

Day Eight:

Take it all back. Gimli an idiot. Useless Dwarf decided best way to keep Aragorn and Eowyn apart was to push Aragorn off cliff. Honestly. Will never get any action if it carries on like this. Time for a bit of telepathic rescuing on my behalf, I think.

Day Nine:

Managed to save Aragorn with telepathic smoochies, but before could get any further Daddy walked in, dressed head to toe in purple with deranged look in his eye. That does it. Off to Valinor. Can't stay with these half-elven idiots much longer. Although have kept telepathic powers to keep up with Fellowship gossip, naturally.

Day Eleven:

En route to Valinor. Daddy insisted on sending snobby elf escorts with me. Idiot. Went along with it to keep him quiet.

On Fellowship front, heroes have congregated in Helm's Deep with graceful Lothlorien warriors, including Haldir, also intent on throwing himself at my boyfriend. Grrr. May redirect to Rohan for killing of competition, and to remind Aragorn that I still exist.

Day Thirteen:

Gandalf saved the day at Helm's Deep. Amazingly, Legolas still alive after giant battle. More that can be said for Haldir. That'll teach him for flirting with other women's boyfriends. Gimli locked Eowyn in underwater cave. Go him!

Aragorn most definitely knows I exist again, as showed up at victory party in Helm's Deep with hobbit costume. Aragorn stunned. Along with everybody else. Ah well, whatever it takes. Arwen Undomiel is not above kinkiness to keep boyfs interested.

Unfortunately, still had to leave, as have paid for ticket to Valinor. Aragorn upset. Slight understatement. Aragorn manically depressed. Clung onto my foot and wouldn't budge for two hours when I tried to exit Helm's Deep. Think may have overdone it a little with the hobbit costume, as he has become rather possessive. Had to do unspeakable things to distract him before I could escape. Will return of course, but not until after spa and beauty treatment in Undying Lands. Want to look my prettiest for big wedding day. Legolas jealous. Ha!