A Bad Fic: The Second Coming
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If you haven't got it by now, I is feeling depraved. PH33R the INNUENDO! :D
Added note: Lacas is the typo-spawned result of me trying to spell 'Lucas'. He's my Giganto bitch.
^_~
Also- the reviewers who were brave enough to leave names so that I may find them, you've probably damned yourself to cameos in this, so just tell me if you don't want to be. I might remember.
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I left off somewhere, so that's probably where I should start, but that would be the normal thing. It's a bad fic for a reason.
Anyway, Dart had a problem, and despite Lavitz's reassurance that it could be solved with a back rub, he rounded up the Merry But Inebriated Men-
"AND WOMEN YOU STUPID BITCH!" Miranda screeched.
-and headed off to Bale, the grand and glorious…place that it was…O.o for beer. Because they were out. And that was the problem. Why? What did YOU think it was? Because Bale was the Fermentation Capital of the World and fungus excrement proved to have more redeeming value than certain pansy-assed Moon Children. Because BEER IS FUNGUS SHIT. O.
They started out at once (because there's really no point in hanging around to start out later) and while meandering down the trail, a white, plot-defining bunny hopped into their path and wiggled its cute little nose at them.
"Awww," Meru crooned. "It's so cuuuuuuute! Let's hug it!"
But unfortunately for Bunny Loving Meru, the moment she closed in on the furry beast, a roach clip fell from her pocket and was seized by the aforementioned bunny- who devoured it like a chocolate carrot and immediately DIED because apparently I'm a vicious bunny killer.
"Weedog! I eats tonight!" Rose cheered.
"THAT'S MY LINE BITCH!" Miranda howled and tacked the Dark Dragoon.
This is the part where a normal person would write out a long, detailed description of the fight. I'm not a normal person. Sufficient to say, Miranda won because YUA would kick me to the coast if she didn't. ^_^
Anyway, Miranda went like ":D Bwahaha!" and scooped the dead bunny up by the ears and did a highly disturbing little WHOOTA jig right there on the forest floor.
"Da Midol 'inally went to 'er brain." Haschel said in a cheesy stereotyped for cheese factor purpose accent.
"I'll CUT you old man!" Miranda screeched and flogged the coot with the bunny. Meru sobbed.
This was going nowhere fast, so the lazy assed authoress quickly dragged in one of the reviewers and dropped her into the fic.
Minimidget went like "O.O" and cried, "THAT'S MY BUNNY!"
"Really?" Dart asked, impressed. (Yes, he's easily impressed, ever notice that?)
"No." Minimidget henceforth known as Mimi said. "I'm here for the purpose of sending you on a grand and not-so holy quest to atone for killing the bunny."
"Oh," said Lavitz sleepily, having awakened from his nap at Dart's feet. "That sounds nice."
The authoress pointed a finger and lightning struck the spot Lavitz curled upon and KILLED HIM DEAD! O.O And Dart wept. (I am HIGHLY amused by the 'and Dart wept' line…)
"GO TO THE BRIDGE OF OVER THERENESS TO START YOUR QUEST!" Mimi explained, her voice now obtaining a god-like resonance. And she 'poofed' away, taking the bunny with her.
And Dart wept some more, his red-eye stone useless without all those calming back rubs. O.o Don't ask me to clarify. It would scar me most terribly.
"I thought we were going to get beer?" Rose asked sadly.
So they salvaged the Jade Stone from the crispy thing that Lavitz had become and walked to the bridge of OVER THERENESS where---
Stuff happened.
Actually- in a frightening suddenness, the Bridge of Over Thereness henceforth known as BOOT (XD BOOT) was blocked by-
--some ditz who called herself Fifi (Frequently Incoherent Friggin' Idiot) and a giant lumbering figure with a gentle if a bit clueless smile known as Lacas.
"Who DARE pass!?" the jittery Mountain Dew high goon demanded.
"We do! The neither good nor holy Dragoons!" Haschel declared in Dart's place, of who was still mourning the loss of Lavitz and his 'helpful' hands.
The authoress snorted and folded her arms. "Then you have to answer the riddle." And Lacas nodded his agreement.
"It's only fair that they do so." He said in a deep, soothing voice.
Brave Meru ventured forth to ask, "So what's the riddle?"
"@#%^$ BITCH!" Miranda screamed.
Haschel, sly and crooked old man that he was, raised an eyebrow suggestively. "Ohho?"
"You callin' me a HO old man!" Fifi hissed with as much rage as a dust bunny could generate. "Answer the riddle or Lacas will EAT YOU!"
"I don't really eat people- that's just a myth perpetuated by my maddened companion to instill fear—"
"SHUT UP!"
And Meru sat down. "That's a tough riddle."
"That's not a @#$%ing riddle!" Miranda howled and smacked Rose, who bit the fist swung her way and sent the pair flailing to the ground while Haschel snapped Polaroid's with a gusto not seen for many a year.
"Let us pass! We have a quest to start!" Dart insisted.
"No no no! You HAVE to answer the riddle!" The authoress hopped in a mad circle, probably due to the markers she was sniffing earlier because someone told her they had a new 'scent' called 'pancake'.
"What RIDDEL!?" Dart cried! (indeed, that is a exclamation point after 'cried' because it adds vehemence to the phrase, or so I'm telling YOU.)
The evil authoress went like, ":O" and screeched, "Insolent! Tell me the riddle! Tell me the riddle! What if I had to tell EVERYONE the riddle! LACAS! Unsheathe the toothpick!"
Dart and his Inebriated but Merry Men (AND WOMEN! Miranda screamed) recoiled in great horror as the Gigantos' hands shifted to his copper plated (why copper? It tastes funny) belt buckle and began the motions of 'undoing' it.
"For the love of pinchies! STOP HIM!" Meru wailed!
But there was no stopping Lacas from unsheathing the weapon that would make Endiness TREMBLE! From the buckle, the great Giganto pulled---
"You FUCKING MORON! That's a TOOTHPICK!" Miranda roared and beat Haschel over the head with a handy rock.
Lacas paused gently, puzzled. "Of course, what else did you expect?" And extended the sliver of timber for all to see. "It's just Little Woody."
(I wanted a pony for Christmas ;_;)
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Once upon a time (O.) there had been a place called the Home of Gigantos but since there's only one left it's no longer plural and thus had to be restructured into singular form for the people who care. Hence: Giganto Land.
In Giganto Land, there lived a Giganto who was sad and lonely and stuff until one day a fan author from ff.net grew to love him and saved him from a tragic death and angst stuff and brought him to her city to…oh how to put it delicately…
KONGOL'S HER BITCH! O.
Anyway, she ruled the whole of Sandora by whispering the words of treason and things in the ears of Doel and his assorted flunkies. Her name was secret, and she plotted the downfall of the world for daring to forget the proud Gigantos…
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Exterminate me….now….before it's too late and I write chapter three….X___________________________________X