Chapter 43

Spike unlocked the door to their room and lead the way inside, laughing at something which Buffy had said on the way up. They had both had a fabulous time at dinner with the rest of the group, but had eventually gladly excused themselves and retired to their room.

Spike threw himself down on his self-proclaimed 'normal' position on the bed whilst Buffy took a seat on the stool in front of the vanity table.

"I am so sorry about Great Aunt Mabel," Spike said laughingly. "She must have been up to her old tricks again. She never remembers anyone's names, so she always tries to find out who the other people she's staying with are from the hotel staff. Sometimes they decide that it's 'confidential' but she always manages to wheedle the information out of them - some old lady trick I guess."

Buffy laughed, having no problem with seeing the funny side of that evening's events. "Ah, well - that'd explain it then. Anyway, you have to admit - it was hilarious the way, no matter how many times you told her otherwise, she wouldn't stop harassing you about the fact that you'd run off and gotten married without inviting her to the wedding - she just wasn't having any of the truth, was she?"

Spike scowled. "Yeah, right - totally hilarious. She's gonna be all on my case about that all weekend; you know that, don't you? Just my luck - a cross old woman forever going on at me for something I haven't even done! And on my birthday too. Aren't I the lucky one?" he asked sarcastically.

"Oh, come on Spike," Buffy teased with a wide grin. "You must be able to see the funny side of it - what with her deciding that she didn't know me well enough to call me Buffy and insisting on referring to me as 'Mrs Giles' all night! I swear, the number of times your mom looked up to see who was speaking to her..." Buffy trailed off in a fit of giggles.

Spike's scowl quickly faded at the memory, to be replaced by a genuine smile. "Have to admit, luv - you coped with it very well."

Buffy shrugged, her eyes twinkling. "Well, I came to the conclusion that if she wasn't going to believe you after the fifth time of you explaining the mistake, she just wasn't going to get it. Personally, I just think she decided that 'Buffy' was a silly name and she wasn't going to use it."

"Possibly," Spike admitted, before pausing and smiling an evil grin. "And it is a silly name," he taunted light-heartedly.

"Oh, we're so not going to get into this again, are we?" she asked, referring back to one of their oldest 'arguments'.

Buffy turned to the mirror and started to unpin her hair as she kicked off her shoes and stretched her feet out. She looked at Spike's reflection in the mirror, smiling to herself at the way the soft lighting of the room highlighted his sharp cheekbones.

"You have a nice family," she commented.

"Thanks," Spike said, turning over the lie on his back, and spreading out to take up as much of the bed as humanly possible. "But, you should know, they were on their best behaviour tonight."

"Even Great Aunt Mabel?" Buffy asked with a laugh as she shook her hair loose and picked up a cotton wool bud to start removing her makeup.

"Especially Great Aunt Mabel!"

"Why's that then?" she asked curiously, pausing at the end of one sweep across a cheekbone.

"Well, one - cos it's my birthday. But mostly cos you're here."

"Me?" Buffy asked, intrigued and slightly flattered by the fact.

"Yeah - they're always good around new people - don't worry though, it'll go steadily down hill tomorrow night. For example, Uncle Arthur'll have too much to drink so Karen - she's his second wife, they only married last year - will start surreptitiously trying to water down his drinks. But he's wise to her game - has been since she started playing it - and he'll surreptitiously start ordering doubles. It's always good for a laugh."

"Then, I guess I just can't wait for tomorrow night," Buffy said with a smile, trying to stifle a yawn.

"Tired?" Spike asked sympathetically as he realised how tired he was.

"A little - it's been a long day - the drive was hell. Guess we should go to bed. I'll just be a minute," she said, picking up her pyjamas and walking into the bathroom.

Spike quickly changed, throwing on a t-shirt and a fresh pair of boxers. Sleep-wear wasn't really his forte, but he knew that it would be mandatory that weekend.

Buffy emerged minutes later from the bathroom, clad in a pair of cover-all pyjamas. She hovered by the bathroom door, seemingly nervous about entering the main room.

"I meant what I said earlier," Spike said, breaking the slightly uncomfortable silence. "I don't mind sleeping on the floor." Spike tried to ignore the little voice in the back of his head informing him that he was mad to even contemplate giving up a night in a soft bed with the woman standing in front of him.

But he needed have worried; the repeated offer seemed to start Buffy out of her nervous contemplation and towards the bed.

"Don't be ridiculous, Spike," she said with a small smile as they each climbed into their own side of the bed. Spike reached over and switched off the light, plunging the room into totally darkness.

For a minute or two they lay there, side by side, the only sound in the room their breathing.

"Buffy?" Spike asked quietly.

"Yes?" Buffy answered, almost nervously.

"Can I ask you a question," Spike said, sounding quite tentative.

"Of course," Buffy responded, wondering what kind of question he wanted to ask whilst they were lying so close together in bed, in a darkened room.

"Are those your yummi sushi pyjamas?"

"Yes," she said, slightly thrown by the question.

"They're actually quite sexy," he said with a chuckle before rolling onto his side to go to sleep.

Buffy laughed quietly as she lay there, staring up towards the ceiling, her mind thrown back to that phone conversation which seemed to have taken place a lifetime ago, before everything got so complicated, before everything seemed to have gone wrong. She lay silently, not moving as Spike's breathing softly grew regular and she realised that he'd fallen asleep.

She was convinced sleep wouldn't come as easily to her that night, lying as she was next to the man she...

Buffy paused in her thoughts for a moment, trying to cut off the direction they were swiftly going in. Trying, as she had for so many months, to ignore and repress her feelings. She quietly slipped out of bed and walked to the window, peering out through the heavy curtains at the lawn and the way the bright moonlight dappled through the surrounding trees to fall in weird and complicated patterns on the grass.

She shook her head and silently sighed, realising that it was no use. She couldn't deny it anymore, couldn't write it off as a mere fancy. She had to admit it - to herself at least. She loved Spike; there was no point in denying it. Her feelings in this weren't going to go away, it wasn't something that would disappear if she ignored it for long enough.

But the admittance didn't make her happy. It didn't solve the conflict of emotions that never seemed to let up when she was around him.

God, she thought to herself. How the hell do I get myself into these situations? Why is it that it took me until he started dating other women to realise how I felt? And now it's probably too late to tell him? I mean, after what I did to him, he'd have to be crazy to even contemplate being interested in me. She shook her head and smiled sadly, wondering what she should do.

After what seemed like an eternity of staring out at the still world outside, she turned away from the window and climbed into bed, having resolved absolutely nothing and convinced of a sleepless night.

&&&&&&&&

Buffy slowly woke the next morning, gliding softly and seamlessly out of what seemed like the most restful sleep she'd had in weeks into a world that felt, to her semi-conscious brain, warm and safe and secure. She smiled as she opened her eyes and blinked in the bright daylight that filtered in through the gap in the curtains.

As she woke, she became aware of the source of her comfort. Spike's arms were wrapped round her, encircling her in his embrace as he slept, his face buried in her hair.

Momentarily she considered extricating herself from his embrace but the small part of her brain which suggested it was soon overruled by the majority who decided there was no better place to be than in his arms. She snuggled closer as she acknowledged to herself how much she'd missed this. More than anything else the two of them had shared, waking up in his arms had always been her favourite thing.

Spike blinked as he woke up, still slightly fuzzy with sleep. He lifted his head and looked down at the mass of blonde locks lying so close on the pillow. He realised that he was holding her tightly against his body and would have moved away, except for the fact that he was now awake enough to appreciate the fact that she was making no effort to move from the position.

"Morning, pet," he said softly into her ear.

"Morning," Buffy replied, equally as gently, still making no effort to move, reassured by the fact that he seemed quite happy to hold her. Inside her mind was racing as she dared to hope that maybe things weren't as bleak as she'd thought they were.

Spike tightened his hold on the petite woman, pulling her more firmly into his embrace as he hugged her, before letting her go as he rolled onto his back. He turned his head to face her, returning her gaze as they looked at each other, so close yet so far away. Buffy ached from the loss of his touch and bit her lips slightly as she tried to decide whether she should close the narrow gap between them and snuggle up into his chest.

The decision was taken from her as there was a sudden knock at the door.

"Buffy? William?" Giles' voice called from the corridor. "Are you awake yet? Thought you should know that everyone's meeting downstairs for breakfast in half an hour. Yes, well, see you downstairs," he finished slightly uncertainly as he got no immediate reply.

Buffy sighed as she realised that the atmosphere - whatever it had been, and she really wasn't sure - had evaporated with the news of breakfast and the people waiting for them downstairs. She smiled slightly sadly and got out of bed.

"Guess I should go take a shower then," she said, the statement sounding almost like a question.

"Guess you should," Spike responded in an equally questioning tone, not once breaking eye contact with her.

Buffy toyed with the idea that he didn't want her to go, that he wanted her to stay. But as she allowed herself to think that maybe he wanted her, her own insecurities surfaced. She suddenly began to worry that her own wishes were clouding her judgement, that she was imagining things. That she would make a fool out of herself if she tried anything, that he didn't really want her. After all, why should he? she asked herself bitterly.

She suddenly realised that she was standing there, like a statue, simply staring at him. She blushed and disappeared into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

She sank back behind the door, lowering herself to the floor and bringing her knees up against her chest. She had no idea what she was doing, or what she should be doing. Everything was so confusing - she'd been used to being the one who was in control, the one who made all the decisions in her relationships. Now she found herself in uncharted waters - too afraid of hitting the rocks to make any move at all, her fear of rejection crippling her totally.