Author's Notes: And so begins our journey, destination unknown to everyone but me. This will be the first installment of the 'Melting' Arch, a series of one-shots that all fit in a numerical sequence. I was once a Yuki/Tohru fan, but then I saw Haru for the first time, and besides falling in love with his character, I also took one look at him and Yuki and realized I'd been converted. Though Yuki shows nothing besides shunning Haru's sincere affections in the anime (I have yet to read the manga, much to my disappointment), I always felt that when someone loves you as much as Haru does Yuki, it just can't be right that it gets ignored and shoved aside in favor of a crush on an airhead girl who has plenty of people after her already. Nothing against Tohru, but they deserve one another. I know how it feels to have someone shun your love, particularly when that love goes much much deeper than a crush. Despite all that, Yuki does not love Haru in this arch. Yet. Perhaps he will, or perhaps he won't. You must read and review with encouragement to discover the outcome! Um... yeah, now that I have rambled... heh. 'Thickest Glass', the supposed lyrics of the song that Hatsuharu listens to near the end of this installment, belong to me and my own songwriting ability. It is copyrighted to me.
Rating Reasons: PG for maturity level.
Warnings: Mild homosexuality (which is, after all, the basic plot of this series), violence, mentions of suicide attempts.
Reviews: ...are better than Sushi. (And few things are better than that, in my opinion.) Flames and complaints are outlawed, and will be mocked, then ignored, and erased. Praise, suggestions, and gently-administered constructive criticism are greatly welcome.
Like January Frost
(Part 1 of the Melting Arch)
I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here
What have you done?
I thought it would be fun
I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
Cuz it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get outta here
Where I can run
Just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear
You're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better
You keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill
I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills
They were different
Maybe I should get some help
I can't stay on your life support
There's a shortage in the switch
I can't stay on your morphine
Cuz it's making me itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again
But she's being a little bitch
I think I'll get outta here
Where I can run
Just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear
You're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better
You keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill
Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear
You're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better
You keep makin' me ill
You keep makin' me ill
-from 'Just Like A Pill', Pink
Sohma Hatsuharu had awaited eagerly the day that he fell in love. Love was something you could not touch, you could not see, a substance that was neither flesh nor gas nor solid. It had no permanent form, and came in so many varied shapes and colors and textures that you could never be sure if it was real. Yet it was everywhere, felt and partaken of by the creatures advanced enough to feel it. Animals, humans. Perhaps even plants, for does not a flower rise to touch the sun, petals and sunlight caressing one another and giving until their deaths? Love, Hatsuharu thought, was the ultimate goal in life. To love and be loved in return. Without love, life was a lonely and painful gray path, walked long and hard, with no one to help you up and kiss your scraped knees when you fell.
From the first breath taken, a child desires love and comfort. First from his or her parents, who will rock him to sleep and feed her when she is hungry. Then by friends, who will run and play as Mama and Papa will not, who will hug her and protect him when the bullies come to call. And finally, when he or she is ready, a different kind of love. The love of a life partner. When he was eight years old, the seed of this very kind of love was planted carefully into Sohma Hatsuharu's heart. His once most hated relative, a shadow lurking in his mind that was the cause of his misery, was really an angel. A beautiful, wonderful angel with a smile like twilight, perfect and soft, so that if you did not look carefully you would miss it. Seven years later, Hatsuharu's feelings defied the visions of romance that he desired to live. His love remained rejected.
"You've certainly harmed yourself this time, Hatsuharu."
Hatsuharu did not acknowledge Hatori's words. Instead, he continued to stare at the featureless expanse of blinding white that was the wall. He could almost have recited that sentence in time with the doctor. He knew such reprimands well, by this time. Aside from the bumps and bruises and occasional broken bone of childhood, he had visited the Sohma medical office several times in the past months. First when he had gotten in a fight with a student at school and lost all sense of control, then when he had refused to come inside during that storm and become lost while trying to return home (a very ill cow had been found half drown the next morning), and more recently, when Momiji had discovered him unconscious on his bathroom floor, his wrists slit.
"Hatsuharu." Hatori repeated for the forth time, his eyes narrowed slightly as his patience thinned.
Hatori forced himself to be sympathetic. Hatsuharu was having a rough year, and it was a bit understandable that the teenager would do something like this. The doctor was not, however, certain whether Hatsuharu had deliberately caused himself harm or had over-dosed in a desperate attempt to ward away the depression. Either way, the younger man would most definitely be kept under stricter surveillance from now on.
"It would make things much easier if I died, wouldn't it?" Came the soft, calm voice of White Haru.
"Don't be ridiculous. Too many people love you." Hatori answered sternly.
Hatsuharu turned his head slowly, his gray eyes glazed with the poison that still lingered in his blood.
"Not anyone that I want to love me."
Hatori paused in checking the boy's vitals, slightly thrown by this comment.
"Even so, that is no reason to commit suicide. Anti-Depressants are to be used for stabilizing your depression, not poisoning yourself. You ingested almost three times the amount approved."
Hatsuharu resumed his abstract study of the wall. Hatori frowned, worried for his younger cousin (or rather, father's nephew's stepbrother's son). He had his suspicions as to what had caused the onset of such depression, but had never asked. He was not sure how to ask such a personal question without upsetting Hatsuharu and likely sending him Black.
"Removing yourself from the source of your depression may help."
Hatsuharu's head snapped around, his eyes wild for a moment with fear and anger.
"No... no, that would only make it worse." He said slowly, stumbling precariously between black and white.
Hatori nodded, not agreeing but acknowledging the words of the younger man.
"How are you?"
Hatsuharu hesitated before answering, warming to the voice on the other end of the line.
"As well as can be expected." He answered at length, his tone almost devoid of emotion.
Yuki's steady breathing was the only sound emitting from the phone for several moments in time.
"Well, that's good."
'Have we grown so far apart that you can't talk to me anymore?' Hatsuharu wondered, his thoughts carrying a bitter sting. 'You weren't even worried about me, were you?'
"You know, Yuki, you don't have to call because you feel obligated to make sure I haven't died or something."
"I didn't call because of any obligatory sense. I was worried." The sharp edge to the soft voice was an indication of a slight defensive anger.
"I believe you. And I appreciate it. It does mean a lot to me." Haru answered sincerely.
Yuki's tone softened.
"So you really are okay?"
"Yeah."
"That's good."
"And how are you?" Hatsuharu questioned.
Yuki seemed slightly surprised by this inquiry.
"Oh... fine."
"How is your garden?"
A small measure of warmth crept into Yuki's voice, a rare display of affection toward his overly-adoring cousin.
"It's growing beautifully. Tohru has been a valuable asset to the cultivation of my leeks."
Haru chuckled, imagining the look of horror on Kyo's face if he were to stumble upon a garden sprouting his most hated foe of the vegetable world.
"You are not going to feed the leeks to Kyo, are you?"
"It would serve that stupid cat right." Yuki stated disdainfully. A pause, in which a voice in the background asked something. "I'm coming, Honda-san!"
Hatsuharu's Black side stirred, prickling at the warm and loving quality that had melted into Yuki's voice like honey when he spoke to Tohru.
"I have to go help Honda-san with the groceries. I will see you at school tomorrow, alright?" Yuki said gently, obviously hasty to say farewell and rush to Tohru's side but still considerate of his friend's feelings (lest Haru feel abandoned).
"Yes."
If Yuki noticed the pained haze lingering upon his cousin's voice, he gave no indication of it.
"Good-bye, Haru."
"Good-bye, Yuki. And Yuki-!"
Whether it was the desperate note on a generally calm voice, or the fact that Yuki was curious as to what Haru was about to say, he did not leave quite yet.
"Yes?"
"I lo-" No no, Yuki would not respond well to what he had almost said. Better to let him know another way. "Thank you for worrying. It makes me feel very happy."
"Of course. Good-bye."
Click.
Hatsuharu stared at the telephone receiver for a moment, as if Yuki might suddenly shout 'Only joking! I'll actually have a nice conversation with you, so don't hang up yet!'. But no, the line was dead and silent. With a sigh, he placed the phone back into its cradle and wandered off to find a book to read and his little bottle of Anti-Depressants. Talking to Yuki always gave him very mixed feelings, these days. Joy and sadness, anger and affection. He had been fine when Tohru first came into the family, but as time had passed... Yuki had drawn more and more away from Haru, and closer to Tohru. Tohru was given graces that no other had ever been given by Prince Yuki, and it made Hatsuharu both jealous and lonely. Very lonely indeed. It made the fact that his love was unrequited very real and bitter, in a way that he had never been faced with previous. He hated it.
Just as he was mounting the first stair toward his bedroom, the telephone began to ring.
"What the hell?"
Could it be...? Perhaps it was! He nearly crashed into the wall in his rush to reach the phone, skidding across the smooth floorboards in his socks. The doorway, however, was not so kind, and he collided somewhat painfully with it on his way. On the seventh ring, he snatched the phone up and pressed it to his ear.
"Hello?"
"Haru? Wow, you sound out of breath! Did you run to get the phone? Oh you did didn't you! Did you fall? Oh no, you probably didn't because then it would have taken you longer unless you were really really fast! Sorry I'm not Yuki, but hopefully you want to talk to me because I want to talk to you because I'm really really bored and everything! I'm grounded so I can't leave the house! So, can we talk for a little while? Pleeeeeease?"
By this point, Haru was holding the receiver a foot away from his ear so as not to cause any permanent damage to his eardrums.
"Momiji, you really need to consider that some people have hearing that they wish to keep in good condition."
"Oh, sorry Haru!"
Hatsuharu winced at the burst of sound, but was not quite bothered though is ears were ringing.
"It's alright. I don't have anything better to do. What do you want to talk about?"
"Everything!" Momiji shouted excitedly, which caused Haru to jump slightly and very nearly drop the phone.
"There is a whole lot of everything, you know."
"Which is good, right?!" Momiji sang cheerfully.
"... I guess so."
"Oooh, did you hear what happened to that girl in our class? The really cute one with the black hair and pigtails? Omura Iyumi?"
Hatsuharu supressed a sigh, despairing of Momiji's newfound tendency to gossip.
"What happened to her?"
"Weeeeeeell, you see she had this friend, right? And they were at the pool..."
Hatsuharu listened dutifully for the next forty-five minutes to Momiji's talk of 'everything', finding himself smiling at the endearing hyperness of his cousin and dear friend. He tried to avoid being bored with some of the less interesting topics of conversation. Momiji really did want to speak of 'everything', as his often one-sided conversations ranged in content from people they knew to some of the best books to which type of candy was the most delicious and whether American girls were actually immoral.
If nothing else, Momiji was entertaining, and harbored more wisdom than most gave him credit for. When Haru said goodbye and hung up, he felt a great deal calmer and more satisfied with life. Momiji, despite some of the horrors of his own life, had the everlasting gift of cheering all those he touched without much effort. Haru no longer found that he wanted to down his pills.
'Watching from the outside, Looking in alone, Pressing wet fingers to the glass walls keeping you inside, Or keeping me out, Always pushing me away, Tear-stained face making foggy imprints, If I press hard enough I will fall through, And join you at last, Don't you see me calling out for you, Even this thick glass cannot keep my love away, I promise I'll get to you someday'
Hatsuharu went back to his homework, his mind grasping for the slipping strands of concentration. Life doesn't come with theme songs, except when the world is at its worst.
'Stupid, I must be stupid, This world is made of thickest glass, Unbreakable reality, And untouchable heaven, Frosted glass, Dirty glass, Can you see me through it, Touch your hand to mine, And as children making promises with daisy rings, We'll wed each other through this thickest glass, Smile for me sweet untouchable heaven of mine'
In a sudden moment of anger, Hatsuharu smacked the 'off' button of his stereo with a bit more force than was necissary. The singer was abruptly silenced, and Haru internally sighed in relief.
'Why is it, that just when I think I am feeling better, something happens to remind me of... everything. Why cannot I hide behind a smile, and convince myself that the world is worth it? It seems to work for some people, like Tohru, or Momiji, Ayame or Shigure. They all seem so happy, even when they should be hurting. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive or something, a magnet for the angst in life.' An image flashed before his eyes, of two sets of fingers intertwined, the larger pair's thumb rubbing worshipful circles of the back of the other's hand. 'My life isn't so bad... but it still hurts so much. I can be content to know that Yuki is happy, but I cannot stop the sting I feel whenever I see him touching Tohru, smiling at her in that special way. Holding her hand like that. Has he kissed her yet, I wonder? Probably not. He never was the best kisser. Or maybe he's gotten better since the first time that I stole a kiss. Maybe I should ask Tohru? No, she would probably deny it just to make me feel better.'
Hatsuharu tapped the end of his pencil against the paper, his mood taking on a detached quality that allowed study of his thoughts without immersing himself in misery.
'I am not sure why I even love Yuki. I mean, I care about other people too... especially Momiji and Kisa. Momiji has certainly exceeded Yuki's tally of what he has done to make me love him, as has Kisa, so... but I might as well ask why anyone loves another in a romantic way. Love does not work by rules or logic. It's completely unpredictable and strange, something no scientist will ever successfully understand. So it doesn't matter who has given me more reason to love them, it is Yuki that I fell for. And not because he's beautiful, or kind, or the first to show me unconditional affection. Just because... he is Yuki. As much as my love is nothing but trouble, I love him. A lot.'
The phone rang then, and Hatsuharu's thoughts had to be left for a later date as he went to receive the call.
"Are you going to let me in, or must I force my way?"
"Go the hell home." Kyo growled.
The door shut in his face. Hatsuharu sighed, and reopened it. Kyo stalked off fuming, capitulating to Haru's insistence to visit the family. The house seemed its usual self, Kyo slinking around with a disgruntled expression, the sound of Tohru fixing dinner in the kitchen rattling the air, and Shigure popping in and out of rooms to annoy the occupants. Yuki was nowhere in sight, but that could be because Haru was not yet out of the hall. Entering through the dining room, he glimpsed Tohru's long dark hair and short green dress as she passed by the kitchen door. But he was searching for someone else.
"Hello, Tohru." He called as he paused in the doorway.
The girl let out a squeal of frightened surprise, and then smiled brightly and waved once she had recovered from her shock.
"Good evening, Haru-san!" She trilled happily.
Hatsuharu offered her a small smile.
"Have you seen Yuki recently?"
The girl frowned, her eyes raised to the sky as she thought.
"Hmmmm... I think he is upstairs doing his homework. Did you come to visit him?"
"Yes." Haru said, turning and disappearing through the dining room.
After blinking in confusion at the sudden departure of her companion, Tohru hummed merrily and returned to her cooking.
"Came to visit the damn rat, huh?" Kyo muttered as they passed on the stairs.
Hatsuharu politely ignored his cousin as he reached the top of the stairway. Yuki's bedroom door, he could see, was closed, not warranting an unwelcome visit. But never the matter, Haru had come to see Yuki, and he intended to do so. He did not feel satisfied with the small amounts of time they spent together nowadays, and he had decided to change it.
There was no answer for a moment when he knocked. A slight movement, rustling of paper.
"Come in."
Haru turned the knob and entered. The room was as orderly as ever, as was the trademark of Souma Yuki. The Prince was a very well-kept person. Yuki seemed surprised to see Hatsuharu, his eyes widening before allowing a frown to settle over his features.
"Good evening, Haru."
"Hey."
"What is it you want?" Yuki asked, returning to the thick textbook sitting open before him with a dismissive air.
"To see you." Haru answered simply, as if the matter were as simple as that.
Yuki looked up again, his expression neutral.
"As you can see, I'm kind of busy at the moment."
"I can wait."
Purple eyes closed briefly in exasperation, before Yuki carefully set his mouth into a mild smile.
"Well, if you are that determined..."
He shut the schoolbook, and turned toward his guest.
"So... did this visit have any particular purpose, other than to 'see me'?"
'I'd 'see you' all day if it were allowed.' Hatsuharu thought lovingly.
"I'd like to have a nice, lengthy conversation with you. Like we used to."
Yuki raised his eyebrows.
"Oh."
A pause, in which Hatsuharu settled himself cross-legged on the floor at Yuki's feet.
"What do you want to talk about?" Yuki questioned, looking down at his younger cousin.
Hatsuharu considered a moment, and then a warm and slightly mischevious smile stole over his features.
"Everything."
As predicted, Yuki unknowingly repeated Hatsuharu's words of earlier that day.
"There is a whole lot of everything."
Haru shifted closer to Yuki's legs, relishing the warmth rising of the older boy's flesh.
"I know."