Remembering a lost love

Summary :

A short story about how Buffy feels after Spike died. This is her words for him but now it's too late. He's not there anymore. She writes a letter with her feelings for Spike in it. Everything she wanted to tell him. This is nice and emotional. PLEASE R&R !

Author : Maryline

Date : October 2004

I translate my French fanfics in English and have pen pals to correct. Thanks very much Kime for correcting this one !

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It happened a week ago but she could still feel Spike's hand in hers. She had taken his hand before it caught fire. She had told him that she loved him and he just answered by "no you don't, but thanks for saying it". After that she cried and ran away to be saved. This is the last time she saw him. When she left she realized how much she did love him. It was too late. He gave his life to save the world and she would never see him again.

It was the next morning and Buffy was in her bed. She couldn't sleep but she could at least try. Since it happened she had been having nightmares. Once she dreamt she was at Spike's place. She was saving the world, he took her hand and told her how much he loved her. Then she died. She wished it had happened that way cause now she has to live with it, with that feeling she could have had a great life with him. She could at least have told him how much she cared about him but she never did. She never dared to tell him about it. She regretted it and wished she could turn back time.

"If only I could turn back time" she thought.

"What am I going to do now, without you Spike ?".

She woke up, took a piece paper and a pen and decided to write down her feelings for Spike.

Dear Spike,

I know it's too late but...

I don't know how to tell you this...

Well I love you and I always did

You meant everything to me

I wish I could turn back time.

And if I could I wouldn't let you go

Not like this

I know what you're thinking about

What would I have told you ?

I would have told you how much I loved you

How much I cared for you

Nothing is the same without you

And it will never be

We shared lots of happy moments and I wish

I could still share those with you

But now I'm alone

You didn't believe me

When I told you I loved you

Because you thought I was saying that

Because you were going to die

You knew it was the last time we were seeing each other

But the thing is I truly meant it

I did love you and I still do

Spike if only you could be here with me right here, right now

I'd be so happy

I know it's impossible

Or maybe Willow could arrange something

I'll ask her right after sending this letter

I wanted to tell you how much I loved you

You were so special

And that's positive

You know I love special boys

And you were absolutely perfect

We weren't good friends at the beginning

But then we became closer

And I loved that

I know you did, too

I always felt it

At first it was only sexual

But then it changed

And we really began developing feelings for each other

Maybe you never thought mine were real

But they were

And they still are

I will never forget you

I wish you were with me now

I would tell you this

And we'd have a big hug

I'd feel so good !

I always felt good in your arms

I feel secure, and happy

I couldn't be just me around others

But with you I could

You always told me to be myself

And with you I was finally able to be me

I never wore a mask or anything

The real me was enough for you

Buffy stopped writing because of the tears which started to fall down her cheeks.

If only there was a grave for you

I could bring you flowers and visit you

But there's not

I can't stop thinking "why you" ? "Why did I give you this necklace which killed you ?"

I loved you so much

You were so important to me

My reason to live

I was so happy to see you

And I know that was the same about you

We were so good together, so happy

I never knew someone like you before

After Angel, you're the only one I ever really loved

I wish I told you that before

When you were here with me

But I guess I wasn't brave enough

I was scared to know your reaction

Now that you're gone I'm sad

More sad than I have ever been

Remember you always called me "love"

This word felt so right in your mouth

I loved it so much even if I didn't admit it at first

And the way you always looked at me

You had stars in your eyes

Every time you looked at me

I felt something burning inside of me

It was my heart beating for you

You were so special

If only I told you that before

But I wanted you to know how much I cared for you

I wish I told you before

Now it's too late

Tears keep coming out of her eyes as she was writing this letter to Spike. She had never told anyone that before. But it felt so right to her, so natural. She didn't need to think about the words they were naturally coming in her mind.

Look at me

I'm here alone in my room writing this letter

I'm sure you'll say something funny like "you don't have any vamp's ass to kick ?"

And we'll laugh together

Or you'll just take me in your arms and we'll kiss

I loved you so much

Life will never be the same without you

Even Xander misses you

See how much people cared about you !

That's not funny I know but everyone's sad about you

They all loved you and they miss you now

Spike may you rest in peace

I'll never forget you !

I'll try to find a way to see you again

Your "love",

Buffy

She put down her pen and read her letter again. Then she fell with it on her bed and cried. She cried all the tears she had inside. Her life would never be the same without Spike and she knew it.

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