Author's Notes: Before I begin, I'd just like to jump on the reviewing the reviews bandwagon and take some time to do just that...

Smoke: Goodness, I didn't realize it was THAT funny! Sorry—Would it make you feel better if I put a warning in the summary? :-P

Marina's Myst: Why, thank you! I try...dramatic bow That does sound rather temping to try, doesn't it? I may do that...

Darster: Thanks. Yes, I think that if Michael Bell showed up on my doorstep, I'd die of a heart attack. He is very gifted in his field—and, judging from the "Defiance" voice session outtakes, quite the goof to boot. As is Tony Jay...Actually, I don't think you could get a better cast of voice actors for the entire series.

Tom T. Thomson: Geez, maybe I should put a warning label on this thing...Sides doing better? :-P And what do you think this is? :-)

Pinkfuzzyone: Glad you enjoyed it. That is the point, after all, and it's always nice to know I'm doing my job.

Without these people ranting and raving like the lunatics I'm sure they are (just kidding!), this fic/parody never would have happened since I never intended to do another. Thank you, and hope the second one fulfills your expectations.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I proudly present to you...

Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-lib 2
Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain—Kain and Moebius

Kain nearly growled as he advanced on Moebius. It was all too clear—William the Just, The Oracle, Vorador's execution—all a part of the Time-Streamer's master plan. And Kain himself? But a pawn to be used, a plaything to be tossed aside when Moebius tired of him and had used him properly. Kain's blood—the blood of his victims—seemed to boil inside his body. The Time Guardian's manipulation of him was as much, if not more so an insult to his intelligence as was spit in the eye an insult to his honor. And what was worse, and thus more aggravating for the young vampire—he'd fallen for it.
But now it was all coming to a close. Moebius had now been defeated in battle. All that remained was to destroy him, and return his Hourglass to the Pillar of Time. This would be far more pleasant than killing the other Guardians had been...
"Ironic," Kain mused, "By going back in time and altering the past, you turned William the Just into the Nemesis."
"Aye—you have seen my plan, vampire!" Moebius declared. Normally, Kain would have found his half mocking, half laughing tone annoying and unsettling, but now that he'd encountered the Time-Streamer a few times, it was more or less just annoying. "As I have seen your destiny. The future says you die!"
Kain actually stopped what he was doing and let the Soul Reaver fall to his side, staring at Moebius as if his head had just exploded and the pieces had turned into chickens. "Did you just say...what I think you just said?"
Moebius sighed and shook his head. "Uh...yes, unfortunately, I did. I know, I know, it's stupid. I mean, with you being a vampire and all it's rather obvious..."
"...That I'm already dead, yes," Kain nodded in agreement. "And yet, you went ahead and said it anyway. Now, normally, I'd be laughing my backside off at the fact that you just made a complete fool of yourself, but this is my game. If you're gonna make a fool of yourself, couldn't you at least wait until Raziel was the playable character?"
"Hey, woah, only I'm allowed to make references to the future!" Moebius snapped. "It's kind of the prestige of the whole 'Time Guardian' thing, you know? Knowing the future, changing the past, seeing the new future..."
"Sounds more like a monkey and a banana experiment," Kain chuckled, "If you grab this banana, you'll get shocked, and that's bad, but if you grab this banana, you won't get shocked and you can eat it." He considered. "And by the way, it's my game, which means I can make references to Joan Crawford and J.R.R. Tolkien if I so desire, and you can't do a thing about it."
"Are you calling me a monkey?!" Moebius exclaimed. "I am NOT a monkey!!"
"You're human, aren't you?" Kain asked.
"Uh...well...yes..."
"And humans are just really big monkeys with no hair, right?"
"Um...well...I guess so..."
"Therefore, you are a monkey," Kain stated, and chuckled. He considered summoning a banana to give him, but that might end up being a bit much. This was almost as much fun as killing him was gonna be...
Moebius considered Kain's words, which seemed to hurt his head. Apparently, without a script, he wasn't exactly the brightest of individuals. Finally, he decided that whatever Kain said was good enough for him. "Monkey or not, I can so do something about you saying things you're not supposed to."
"Can not," Kain snorted.
"Can too," Moebius said, smirking.
"Can not."
"Can too."
"Can not."
"Can too."
"Okay, how?" Kain rolled his eyes. Maybe killing him was a better option.
"I can call Silicon Knights," Moebius said righteously with a nod. "And they'll SELL you, and everything that goes with you."
Kain gasped and stumbled back. "They wouldn't dare!" he exclaimed.
"Nach-fan-nooly, wekan would foo," came a staticy voice inside Kain's ear. Kain blinked and tried cleaning out that ear.
"What the crap was that...?" he wondered.
"Sorry," came the voice again, quite a bit clearer, but still somewhat staticy, "This is Dennis Dyack, a Silicon Knights employee and director of this video game. I have real trouble getting out to you there—No one realized the kind of interference the Pillars would have with our communication system."
"I have a director...?" Kain blinked, surprised. Someone else was trying to manipulate him now? Moebius must have set a trend...
"Of course," said the director. "You didn't think you could have made it through all that stuff without direction, did you? Anyway, I was gonna make mention of a fact that Silicon Knights can...sadly...do anything they want with you, and that includes not doing anything with the game at all if we don't get it finished on time. So could you and Moebius please quit the small talk and get on with it?"
Kain considered. "Well, I could," he admitted, "But I don't like to take orders..."
"Yes, I know quite well," the director said with a sigh.
"Then you should know that I'm going to have to kill you for trying to do so," Kain replied.
Moebius stared at Kain. "Who are you talking to...?"
"The director," Kain stated, "Can't your hear him?"
"Um...no," Moebius said, one eyebrow raised. "We have a director?"
"My sentiments exactly," Kain shook his head. "Now, back to...What was your name?"
"Dennis Dyack."
"Yes, Dennis...Dyack?" Kain blinked. "You poor man, school must have been hell...Anyway, I don't have to do anything you order or tell me to do, as not only is it in my character to defy anyone who does, but also in my contract."
"It is?" the director said, sounding stunned, "Impossible."
"Not at all," Kain stated simply. He reached into his pants, which happened to provide him access to his inventory. "Excuse me while I whip this out."
"AAAAHHHH!!!" Moebius screamed, then cowered back and hid his face, as if afraid he'd be blinded. Again, Kain stopped to stare at the Time- Streamer. When did Mel Brooks get here...? he thought to himself, then shrugged and withdrew his contract.
"Right here," he began to tell Director Dennis Dyack, "In the last paragraph, 8th line it says 'The below mentioned vampire my also at any time refuse to cooperate with any Silicon Knights employee, or anyone associated with Silicon Knights, or anyone trying to order him around, generally.' Can you see this?"
"Yep," said the director, "Though our feed is a little slow, probably the Pillars in the way of that, too. Go on."
Kain nodded, and then adjusted the contract so that they could see his signature. "You see? I even signed on it. There's my signature right on top of the line that says "Kain the Vampire, Nobleman of Coorhagen, Destroyer of the Circle of Nine, Savior of Nosgoth, Guardian of Balance...Wait a minute, Guardian of Balance??" Kain's eyes widened. "Since when was I the Guardian of Balance?!"
Moebius, who had come out from behind his own hands and looked greatly annoyed, snickered. "Since you forgot to read the fine print," he said.
That was it. The straw that broke the camel's back. Or, in this case, the smart-crack that snapped the sorcerer-killing vampire's last nerve. Dropping the contract, Kain lifted the Soul Reaver up and before Moebius could say, "Vorador's your uncle" he was minus one head. As his body fell, his Hourglass flew from it. Kain caught it, then sheathed the Reaver and picked up his contract. As he dusted it off and put it and the Hourglass back into his inventory, the director's voice spoke into his ear again.
"Good job, Kain," he said, "Really good job...Just one problem, though."
Kain groaned. "What now?" he snapped.
"You didn't say 'And so are you.'"
"What?!"
"You were supposed to say 'And so are you,'" the director explained, "In reference to Moebius saying 'The future says you are dead', you're supposed to say 'And so are you'. So, we've got to do it over again."
Kain groaned. "Again?! Oh...all right...I didn't get a chance to really enjoy that anyway...but what about Moebius? He's kind of...you know...dead."
"No problem, I think our animators can crank out another one in about an hour," the director said, "They should have had all his info saved...Why don't you take a break until then? We're set up just east of the Pillars. I know you can't have coffee because of the water in it, but someone came in and brought you special blood-flavored cocoa."
"Blood-flavored cocoa, huh?" Kain considered it, then shrugged. "Yeah, okay, that works." He reached into his inventory again, this time withdrawing a sign that said "Out To Lunch—Back in One Hour". He then jammed the sign into the ground, stuck Moebius' head on top of it for a decorative touch, and marched off to claim his cocoa.