Warning! Warning! Danger, Will Robinson, Danger!
This particular installment of the "Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib" series features mega Defiance spoilers. If you haven't
played it, then you don't wanna read this, else you'll be cursing and
flaming me. Trust me. And flamers get the Monty Python treatment, and
nobody wants to do that. :-P
Author's Notes: Thanks again for the comments! I was afraid that Razielia may have been too much at first, but you guys proved me wrong. I try to hold a policy of three-out-of-five reviews asking for another installment before I bother writing it. Since there are fewer reviews this time as well, I can do a response! Yay!
Tom T. Thomson: Thanks! Hey, you've reviewed every installment...You rock! bows and tells everyone what a great and wonderful person you are, really
Smoke: Yeah, I love Raz and all...But he's such an easy target. giggles I thought about it, but decided to put it up top just for tidiness sake...I hate putting notes on top AND bottom. Drives me nuts when I do it...I hope I do too! Thanks!
Rose Has Her Domain Up: Glad to here the domain is up safe and sound, Rose. sorry, smart ass by nature—ignore previous statement and/or make fun of the one with a food in her pen name Well, yeah, he does, but then again, I doubt I'd be in any better a condition by that point. Bare in mind, Raziel only knows maybe half of what Kain does, so it's much more confusing for him, and the fact that he's got good reason to be paranoid doesn't help.
MortalSora: Thanks! I rather like Razielia myself...And who knows? Maybe she'll get popular enough for a spin-off spoof... doesn't that sound pathetic...?
Abbil: Thank you! It was just too good an opportunity to pass up, too... :-P
And now, what you all came here to read...
Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib 4
Legacy of Kain: Defiance—Kain and Raziel
Raziel looked down at the form of Mortanius the Necromancer, once and still powerful member of the failing Circle of Nine, now weakened almost to the point of exhaustion by his possession by the Unspoken, the Hylden Lord himself. Though he had only been in the Death Guardian's presence for a few minutes, Raziel believed he had probably spoken to the Hylden more than he had Mortanius. The site was a pitiful one to behold, and was almost heart wrenching. Almost.
"I seek the Heart of Darkness," he stated in a firm tone. Janos Audron alone had the answers he sought, and in order to get them he first needed Janos' black heart returned to him. In order to do that, he needed to find the Heart, and Raziel didn't care if it was from the Necromancer or the demon, so long as the directions were true.
"Ah, so now you think of that. But as I told you, you are too late," Mortanius snickered. This was not the first time Raziel had been mistaken as a Hylden. But then, the more he learned of the old war and the demonic hero destined to battle the vampire champion, he was unsure of that fact himself.
"I created the champion foretold by my masters, who is destined to be your destroyer," the Necromancer continued, "The Scion of Balance will save Nosgoth--the Pillars will return to vampire Guardianship as intend, and your race will be cast down forever."
Fire blazed through Raziel's mind as the realization hit him. "Kain!" he exclaimed, "You used the Heart of Darkness to create Kain!"
"How else?" Mortanius stated in a rather matter-of-fact tone, "I refused at first to believe the ancient myths. I though the vampires were simply a plague upon mankind, a pestilence we had to control. But they were, and we were wrong to overthrow them—Moebius and I. We didn't understand what it was the Pillars were holding back. I have made my atonement. I will continue to make it to the end, which will be soon now. But I know, Kain will set it right—he will restore Balance—"
Suddenly, a seizure seems to go through Mortanius. For an instant, his eyes change to a sickly green which overflowed the sockets and spilled out into a haunting green flame which seemed to threaten to engulf the rest of him as well. Raziel recognized this well—it was the Hylden Lord fighting to regain control over the Death Guardian's body. The struggle was short, and this time, Mortanius won.
"And none too soon," he said, exasperated, "My enemy is growing stronger..."
"Where is the Heart of Darkness now?" Raziel urged hurriedly. This conversation was drawing on too long...Vorador's Mansion was surely infiltrated by now, and Janos' body possibly exposed. "Did you destroy it?"
The Necromancer laughed at the very idea. "You still do not understand, do you? You cannot make use of it so long as Kain guards it with his life!"
Raziel stared. "Kain...has it?" he asked in disbelief. Things were beginning to clarify, and suddenly... "It is IN Kain!"
"Check and mate," Mortanius agreed. It reminded the wraith-creature of a teacher and a bright, but often dense pupil. "This deed will redeem first me and then all of Nosgoth. It must, it—Uuhhgg..."
Again, the seizure ripped through Mortanius' body, and the green flames sprung forth from his eyes. But this time, it was the Hylden whom triumphed.
"This one grows weak," the Unspoken stated, his voice that of Mortanius' somehow...altered. "But we will soon have a stronger vessel."
The being then stood and began to advance towards Raziel. Raziel quickly retreated backwards.
"The long awaited hour approaches..." the demon was saying, "Our release is at hand..."
Another seizure, though much weaker than the first two, caused the body to double slightly. When it rose, Mortanius' eyes were his own, and none of the green fire remained.
"Ah," the Necromancer groaned, "I must...finish it...now."
And with that, he was gone, vanished into the night, leaving behind only a portal not unlike many of the warp gates Raziel had seen. He considered the portal, and the new information he had just received. In the in, he strode towards the portal, his resolve to find and, at last, destroy Kain strengthened like never before.
He emerged from the portal to find himself in the main entrance of Avernus Cathedral once more, and there, examining the architecture, was his former master and creater—Kain. Rage burned through Raziel like the white fires of the Abyss.
"Kain," he began, "Why is this—"
"Save it, Raz," Kain interrupted, "Just got a message from Amy. Says they don't have the camera here yet, so there's no point in fighting."
Raziel stared, and if he had a jaw, it would have been dropped. "What do you mean 'they don't have the camera here yet'?! I was just down there talking to Mortanius, and they were getting all of that...And that's just below this room!"
Kain shrugged, displaying a "Soul Reaver 2" thermal cup in his right...claw. "Don't ask me, I just work here," he muttered before taking a sip from the cup.
Raziel continued to stare as he sifted possible explanations through his head. Finally, he came to the conclusion that maybe Mortanius had taken the camera with him when he disappeared by accident. Satisfied, he turned back to Kain. "So, what do we do in the mean time?"
Kain shrugged, looked away from the column he was examining, and turned to Raziel. "No idea. I was going to kill a few priests or something, but they seem distinctly dead already." He gestured to a dead human against the wall. Raziel shrugged.
"They got in my way," he explained. He glanced over at the vampire as he took another sip from his cup. "Where'd you get that?"
"What, the cocoa?" Kain inquired, glancing at the thermal. "Oh, I had the staff get me some. They got me some for 'Blood Omen' and I've been addicted to the stuff ever since..."
"No, I meant the cup, genius," Raziel muttered, "I don't remember them showing me anything like that for merchandise..."
"Oh, this," Kain glanced at the thermal. There was a line-drawn portrait of Raziel's tabard-covered face just below the "Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2" trademark. "Yeah, they gave it to me for beta testing and I told them it sucked."
"What?!" Raziel exclaimed as his eyes widened in disgust. "They gave you MY thermal cup for beta testing?!"
"Well, they couldn't very well give it to you, Mr. Esophagus Challenged," Kain smirked, and then offered the cup to Raziel. "Blood- flavored cocoa?"
Raziel growled and knocked the thermal out of Kain's claws. The cup hit against the wall and broke open, spilling the reddish-brown liquid on to the cathedral floor. Kain looked at the spilt contents for a few minutes, his eye narrowing all the while.
"You know very well I can't drink that," Raziel snarled, "And even if I could, I sure as hell wouldn't take anything from you!"
Kain looked at Raziel, his eyes taking on a slightly reddish tint. "I...was...drinking...that...," he growled. He began to reach for the Reaver, but thought better of it. We need our strength for the big fight, he thought to himself, not to mention Amy would kill me.
"You bet I would," a voice spoke into his ear. He recognized it as that of Amy Henning, the director of "Defiance" and well as both the "Soul Reaver" games. He often heard from her, usually because he was doing what Kain's do best: defying her. That, or for killing the staff off, which she seemed to take offence to.
"I know, I know," Kain finally muttered, then removed his claw from the Reaver. "I'll...try to be good..."
"Is that Amy your talking too?" Raziel asked. "Tell her I want to talk to her! Tell her I expect to be paid extra for this!"
"Too late," Kain said, looking over at his fallen thermal cup. He decided to get another cup of his famous AB positive/negative mix as soon as he had a chance in his "Blood Omen 2" cup, presuming Janos and Vorador hadn't been dipping into it again. "You just missed her, you premadonna,"
"I know you didn't just call me that," Raziel said coolly, his eyes narrowed slightly. "Mainly because premadonna is much to big a word for you to wrap you're feeble pixilated brain around..."
"You want me to hurt you, don't you?" Kain growled. "And do I really look pixilated to you right now? Remember, I'm not the only one who looked crappy, Sir Origami Fold."
"What is it with you and names tonight, huh?" Raziel shook his head, then took a deep breath. "Okay, okay, maybe I shouldn't have said that...We do have to tolerate each other long enough for the crew to come set things up, so let's just try to be civil, okay?"
"Why?" Kain snorted. "Can't you just go back through you're little portal and wait there? They have to film you coming out of it anyway..."
"If you look at it from that point, you could fly back to the citadel just as easily," Raziel pointed out. There was a brief pause as the two considered each other's words, and then both spun about to go look at their original points of entry.
"No," Raziel sighed as he looked at the alter, which had formerly had the portal Mortanius had created in front of it. "It's gone already...What about you?"
"No good," Kain grumbled, "It's completely gone. I guess the programming takes away our chance of leaving once we meet, rather we fight or not."
"Damn programmers!" Raziel yelled out, then walked towards the middle of the isle. Kain joined him there. There were several long moments of silence as they contemplated each other, both with sinister thoughts in their head about the other.
"So," Kain said in an attempt to break the silence, "They really did a number on the place...Looks a lot better than the last time I was here."
"Oh, yeah, I'm sure, but I doubt this is the whole Cathedral they're letting us into," Raziel agreed, looking around. "I don't think they could have done an entire dungeon for 'Blood Omen' out of what little I've seen of it..."
Kain eyed Raziel. "Wait a minute, wouldn't you know rather or not it made a good dungeon or not?" he asked accusingly.
Raziel looked back a Kain, his eyes that of a child whom had just accidentally confessed to being in the cookie jar...a very strange blue wraith-like child with glowing eyes and no digestive system. "Uh...well," Raziel made a gesture as if to gulp, likely more out of habit than ability, "See, I, um, never finished playing 'Blood Omen'..It was so long, and the graphics were so crappy, and, well, it's hard to play a video game and run an entire vampire clan at the same time..."
Kain felt a familiar rage begin to burn deep inside of him. "I see," he said, calmy as to not reveal his anger to Raziel, "So, tell me, my dear Raziel...Who was the last Boss you fought before you quit the game?"
Raziel went silent and looked down. Like a small child, he hid his claws behind his back and started to trace designs on the floor with one foot. Kain glared at him. "Raziel, who was the last Boss you fought?" he asked again,
Raziel remained silent, and Kain was about to ask him again when he muttered, "Well, see, I never ever really made it to Nupraptor's Keep..."
Kain snarled and Raziel jerked his head up in time to see Kain draw the Reaver from his back. Out of instinct, Raziel jumped back and summoned the wraith-blade version of the sword to defend himself with.
"Do you mean to tell me," Kain exclaimed, "that I have been taking all of this bull about what a terrible game 'Blood Omen' is from you, and you haven't even played all of it?! Worse yet, hasn't even made it to NUPRAPTOR?!?!"
"Well, could you?!" Raziel yelled back, "Really! In comparison today's standards, the puzzles are easy, the bosses are simple, and the graphics are awful!"
"And you had to get HALF of the information from that statement from some fan site on the Internet!" Kain began to advance on Raziel. "I should have let the Reaver consume you, you useless git...You'd be more entertaining as cannon-fodder for a Monty Python cartoon, and twice as well drawn, especially your wings!"
Raziel's eyes flared slightly. "Watch it, Kain...you don't want to cross that bridge," he warned coolly.
"Oh, but I do," Kain disagreed, "I do want to cross it. I want you to know that those wings looked rather puny to me, and that you probably couldn't have even crossed the Abyss with them. I want you to know that those blasted things stuck out on you like a sore thumb that was in bad need of amputation. I want you to know that I threw you into the Abyss, because you came back out looking three times better than when you went in. And you know what else? I enjoyed the ENTIRE process!!"
Now Raziel's eyes did flare, the named Hylden soul he had taken in giving his blue flames a somewhat greenish tint. The graphics were one thing, the fact he hadn't played 'Blood Omen' another...But the wings and the Abyss crossed the line, especially for Kain. Without even thinking about it, Raziel rose the wraith Reaver up and began to advance on Kain, closer what little distance was left between them. Kain raised the physical Reaver and began to do the same thing, all thoughts of angry directors gone from their minds. There was but a few feet between them to begin with, and that was narrowing quickly. They raised the blades up, and brought them down, each ready to make a strike at the other. Then, suddenly, instead of coming in contact with each other's Reaver, they met in the middle with a third blue and white wraith blade. They blinked, confussed, as a suddenly girly voice spoke from their right.
"Goodness gracious, boys!" the voice of Razielia, the Drag Reaver cried out. "Is that ANYWAY to act in a Cathedral?!"
Kain and Raziel looked at Razielia, then at each other.
"Raz," Kain said, slowly, "Um...what is that?"
Raziel lowered the wriath blade, and as it disappeared covered his entire head with his tabard. "Shhh," he said as he did this, "If you ignore it, maybe it'll go away..."
"Oh, honeychild, you should know better," Razielia giggled, then looked at Kain. "The name's Razielia. I'm Raziel's double from an alternate reality, and with far better fashion sense." She gestured to her white and multi-shaded blue attire. She then looked at Kain closely. "Hmm, you look strangely familiar..."
Kain looked at Raziel, whom now greatly resembled a large blue tortoise and, upon deciding he wouldn't get anything useful from him, looked back to Razielia and asked "And why, persay, are you here?"
Raziel whimpered. "Don't encourage it..." he maoned.
"Oh, shush," Razielia said with a chuckle as she not-so-gently elbowed Raziel in the side. He stumbled a few steps sideways. "Such a kidder, this Razzy here. I'm his cheerleader. He and I have been together since about a third of the way through Soul Reaver 2..."
Raziel poked his head out of his tabard and glared at Razielia, his white eyes flaring as before. "I told you not to call me that!" he snarled, "And please rephrase that last statement, you make me sound gay!"
Kain looked between them, and snickered. "So you're double in an alternate universe is a transsexual Drag Reaver," he cackled, "Oh, I must relish in this..."
"Why, you making hotdogs?" Raziel snorted, then glanced at Razielia. "Amy keeps kicking her off of Nosgoth, but she just keeps coming back..."
"Mister and Misses Blue Cockroach," Kain stated with a smirk.
"You do want to die," was the only reply Raziel believed worthy of such a comment.
Razielia stared at them. "Holy Rupual! You can cut the hostility in here with knife!" she exclaimed. The crossed her arms gracefully as she considered the two. Sudden, she clapped her claws together and gave an excited screech. "I know who you are now! Oh my goodness, I can't believe I could have possibly forgotten..."
"You do?" Kain turned and eyed her suspiciously. "How so you know me?"
Razielia clapped and jumped like a giddy schoolgirl. "Koein!" she screeched, then ran up and gave Kain a hug.
Kain's eyes widened and he pushed Razielia off him as if she were something repulsive and messy. "Get off of me!" he yelled, giving one final push to free himself, then jumping away and drawing the Reaver. So rattled was he by the Drag Reaver's sudden show of affection that he didn't even notice Raziel had collapsed in a fit of laughter. The vampire growled at her, but Razielia just stared at him as though she were a heartsick child.
"But...Koein..." she mumbled.
"Stop calling me that!" Kain yelled. Then, after glancing around nervously, added in a hushed, more urgent tone, "How do you know that name?"
"Why, you're the one who made us!" she exclaimed, "You're Koein! You're fashion since has practically made you deified! All of the clans tell tells of you...Few know the truth. You know, that you were a homophobe once, but that you're spite for them drove you to create me and my sisters..."
"Kain's your master in you're world too?" Raziel managed to control his laughing long enough to look up at her. "So...he's a flaming homosexual?"
"I am not!" Kain yelled defiantly (a tone he has easily mastered over the years).
"Oh, but you are," Razielia continued, "Only you're name's Koein, not Kain..."
"I told you to stop calling me that!" he yelled again, he pointed the Reaver's tip towards her. "I'm warning you..."
"Wait a minute, you recognize that name?" Razile looked up at him. "Now, why would you recognize the name of your gay double in a gay reality?"
Kain was silent and thoughtful, and allowed the Reaver's tip to droop. At length, he cleared his throat and began to speak. The tone was obviously supposed to be one of authority, but sounded more like a desperate plea.
"I was young," he began, "and I was mortal. I wanted to do some...experimenting with my sexuality. But, of course, my noble status didn't allow me to do so without tarnishing my family record, so..."
Raziel's eyes widen, but his tone was an amused one. "Holy crap, you're a drag queen," he stated, the collapsed into another fit of laughter.
Kain felt his blood begin to boil. "I am NOT!" he yelled, "I only did it once, and that DOESN'T make me a drag queen, you son of a..."
"Boy, boys!" Razielia exclaimed, jumping between them again before Kain did something she would have thought to be rash. Raziel would have thought it normal, for Kain. "That is no way to act! Listen, when I get mad, I find that singing a song helps to calm me down. How about we all sing a nice song together, huh?"
"Yes, let's sing a song," Raziel agreed, still chuckling. "How about YMCA...I bet Kain knows the words to that one very well."
If looks could kill, Raziel would have faded into the Spectral Realm. Instead, Razielia nodded. "Okay, YMCA it is. Now, on three. One...two..."
"Wait!" Kain spin on her. "If we're gonna be singing anything, it had better be something a lot more manly than the Village People!"
"Oh yeah?" Raziel said, getting up. "Like what?"
"Well...maybe more like...The Rolling Stones?"
Amy Henning walked into Avernus Cathedral. Typically, it was considered bad taste for a director to approach the characters in a game, but Raziel and Kain were a bit different story.
"Sorry, guys," she started, "Took us forever to get things back into place. I've got a techie working on getting the portal and the bat beacon reactivated, so we should be able..."
Suddenly, she stopped and stared. Before her, in front of the alter that held the Dark Scripture, where she expected to see Kain and Raziel trying for all they were worth not to do bodily damage to each other, she instead found that damned Raziel-wanna-be drag queen dancing and singing, while waving her own version of the Reaver high above her head. Behind her, Kain and Raziel mimicked her antics, including waving their own Reavers about. Amy took a moment to let the scene sink in, and that when she heard what they were singing.
"When I'm ridin' round the world
And I'm a doin' this and I'm signing that
And I'm tryin' to make some girl
Who tells me baby better come back later next week
'Cause you see I'm on a losing streak
I can't get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say
I can't get no,
I can't get no
I can't get no satisfaction
No satisfaction,
No satisfaction,
No satisfaction."
Amy stared at them for a several moments longer, unable to believe that these two heros that were supposed to fight each other in a battle on which the past two games she had directed in this series depended upon were now dancing a singing like larks with that...thing. She reached into her pocket and began to radio her staff.
"Some one get in here and get this damn thing out of here!" she yelled into the radio, pointing to Razielia. "And when you come, bring Moebius and about nine hours worth of Barney the dinosaur tapes...If that doesn't get them at each other's throats again, nothing will..."
This particular installment of the "Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib" series features mega Defiance spoilers. If you haven't
played it, then you don't wanna read this, else you'll be cursing and
flaming me. Trust me. And flamers get the Monty Python treatment, and
nobody wants to do that. :-P
Author's Notes: Thanks again for the comments! I was afraid that Razielia may have been too much at first, but you guys proved me wrong. I try to hold a policy of three-out-of-five reviews asking for another installment before I bother writing it. Since there are fewer reviews this time as well, I can do a response! Yay!
Tom T. Thomson: Thanks! Hey, you've reviewed every installment...You rock! bows and tells everyone what a great and wonderful person you are, really
Smoke: Yeah, I love Raz and all...But he's such an easy target. giggles I thought about it, but decided to put it up top just for tidiness sake...I hate putting notes on top AND bottom. Drives me nuts when I do it...I hope I do too! Thanks!
Rose Has Her Domain Up: Glad to here the domain is up safe and sound, Rose. sorry, smart ass by nature—ignore previous statement and/or make fun of the one with a food in her pen name Well, yeah, he does, but then again, I doubt I'd be in any better a condition by that point. Bare in mind, Raziel only knows maybe half of what Kain does, so it's much more confusing for him, and the fact that he's got good reason to be paranoid doesn't help.
MortalSora: Thanks! I rather like Razielia myself...And who knows? Maybe she'll get popular enough for a spin-off spoof... doesn't that sound pathetic...?
Abbil: Thank you! It was just too good an opportunity to pass up, too... :-P
And now, what you all came here to read...
Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-Lib 4
Legacy of Kain: Defiance—Kain and Raziel
Raziel looked down at the form of Mortanius the Necromancer, once and still powerful member of the failing Circle of Nine, now weakened almost to the point of exhaustion by his possession by the Unspoken, the Hylden Lord himself. Though he had only been in the Death Guardian's presence for a few minutes, Raziel believed he had probably spoken to the Hylden more than he had Mortanius. The site was a pitiful one to behold, and was almost heart wrenching. Almost.
"I seek the Heart of Darkness," he stated in a firm tone. Janos Audron alone had the answers he sought, and in order to get them he first needed Janos' black heart returned to him. In order to do that, he needed to find the Heart, and Raziel didn't care if it was from the Necromancer or the demon, so long as the directions were true.
"Ah, so now you think of that. But as I told you, you are too late," Mortanius snickered. This was not the first time Raziel had been mistaken as a Hylden. But then, the more he learned of the old war and the demonic hero destined to battle the vampire champion, he was unsure of that fact himself.
"I created the champion foretold by my masters, who is destined to be your destroyer," the Necromancer continued, "The Scion of Balance will save Nosgoth--the Pillars will return to vampire Guardianship as intend, and your race will be cast down forever."
Fire blazed through Raziel's mind as the realization hit him. "Kain!" he exclaimed, "You used the Heart of Darkness to create Kain!"
"How else?" Mortanius stated in a rather matter-of-fact tone, "I refused at first to believe the ancient myths. I though the vampires were simply a plague upon mankind, a pestilence we had to control. But they were, and we were wrong to overthrow them—Moebius and I. We didn't understand what it was the Pillars were holding back. I have made my atonement. I will continue to make it to the end, which will be soon now. But I know, Kain will set it right—he will restore Balance—"
Suddenly, a seizure seems to go through Mortanius. For an instant, his eyes change to a sickly green which overflowed the sockets and spilled out into a haunting green flame which seemed to threaten to engulf the rest of him as well. Raziel recognized this well—it was the Hylden Lord fighting to regain control over the Death Guardian's body. The struggle was short, and this time, Mortanius won.
"And none too soon," he said, exasperated, "My enemy is growing stronger..."
"Where is the Heart of Darkness now?" Raziel urged hurriedly. This conversation was drawing on too long...Vorador's Mansion was surely infiltrated by now, and Janos' body possibly exposed. "Did you destroy it?"
The Necromancer laughed at the very idea. "You still do not understand, do you? You cannot make use of it so long as Kain guards it with his life!"
Raziel stared. "Kain...has it?" he asked in disbelief. Things were beginning to clarify, and suddenly... "It is IN Kain!"
"Check and mate," Mortanius agreed. It reminded the wraith-creature of a teacher and a bright, but often dense pupil. "This deed will redeem first me and then all of Nosgoth. It must, it—Uuhhgg..."
Again, the seizure ripped through Mortanius' body, and the green flames sprung forth from his eyes. But this time, it was the Hylden whom triumphed.
"This one grows weak," the Unspoken stated, his voice that of Mortanius' somehow...altered. "But we will soon have a stronger vessel."
The being then stood and began to advance towards Raziel. Raziel quickly retreated backwards.
"The long awaited hour approaches..." the demon was saying, "Our release is at hand..."
Another seizure, though much weaker than the first two, caused the body to double slightly. When it rose, Mortanius' eyes were his own, and none of the green fire remained.
"Ah," the Necromancer groaned, "I must...finish it...now."
And with that, he was gone, vanished into the night, leaving behind only a portal not unlike many of the warp gates Raziel had seen. He considered the portal, and the new information he had just received. In the in, he strode towards the portal, his resolve to find and, at last, destroy Kain strengthened like never before.
He emerged from the portal to find himself in the main entrance of Avernus Cathedral once more, and there, examining the architecture, was his former master and creater—Kain. Rage burned through Raziel like the white fires of the Abyss.
"Kain," he began, "Why is this—"
"Save it, Raz," Kain interrupted, "Just got a message from Amy. Says they don't have the camera here yet, so there's no point in fighting."
Raziel stared, and if he had a jaw, it would have been dropped. "What do you mean 'they don't have the camera here yet'?! I was just down there talking to Mortanius, and they were getting all of that...And that's just below this room!"
Kain shrugged, displaying a "Soul Reaver 2" thermal cup in his right...claw. "Don't ask me, I just work here," he muttered before taking a sip from the cup.
Raziel continued to stare as he sifted possible explanations through his head. Finally, he came to the conclusion that maybe Mortanius had taken the camera with him when he disappeared by accident. Satisfied, he turned back to Kain. "So, what do we do in the mean time?"
Kain shrugged, looked away from the column he was examining, and turned to Raziel. "No idea. I was going to kill a few priests or something, but they seem distinctly dead already." He gestured to a dead human against the wall. Raziel shrugged.
"They got in my way," he explained. He glanced over at the vampire as he took another sip from his cup. "Where'd you get that?"
"What, the cocoa?" Kain inquired, glancing at the thermal. "Oh, I had the staff get me some. They got me some for 'Blood Omen' and I've been addicted to the stuff ever since..."
"No, I meant the cup, genius," Raziel muttered, "I don't remember them showing me anything like that for merchandise..."
"Oh, this," Kain glanced at the thermal. There was a line-drawn portrait of Raziel's tabard-covered face just below the "Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2" trademark. "Yeah, they gave it to me for beta testing and I told them it sucked."
"What?!" Raziel exclaimed as his eyes widened in disgust. "They gave you MY thermal cup for beta testing?!"
"Well, they couldn't very well give it to you, Mr. Esophagus Challenged," Kain smirked, and then offered the cup to Raziel. "Blood- flavored cocoa?"
Raziel growled and knocked the thermal out of Kain's claws. The cup hit against the wall and broke open, spilling the reddish-brown liquid on to the cathedral floor. Kain looked at the spilt contents for a few minutes, his eye narrowing all the while.
"You know very well I can't drink that," Raziel snarled, "And even if I could, I sure as hell wouldn't take anything from you!"
Kain looked at Raziel, his eyes taking on a slightly reddish tint. "I...was...drinking...that...," he growled. He began to reach for the Reaver, but thought better of it. We need our strength for the big fight, he thought to himself, not to mention Amy would kill me.
"You bet I would," a voice spoke into his ear. He recognized it as that of Amy Henning, the director of "Defiance" and well as both the "Soul Reaver" games. He often heard from her, usually because he was doing what Kain's do best: defying her. That, or for killing the staff off, which she seemed to take offence to.
"I know, I know," Kain finally muttered, then removed his claw from the Reaver. "I'll...try to be good..."
"Is that Amy your talking too?" Raziel asked. "Tell her I want to talk to her! Tell her I expect to be paid extra for this!"
"Too late," Kain said, looking over at his fallen thermal cup. He decided to get another cup of his famous AB positive/negative mix as soon as he had a chance in his "Blood Omen 2" cup, presuming Janos and Vorador hadn't been dipping into it again. "You just missed her, you premadonna,"
"I know you didn't just call me that," Raziel said coolly, his eyes narrowed slightly. "Mainly because premadonna is much to big a word for you to wrap you're feeble pixilated brain around..."
"You want me to hurt you, don't you?" Kain growled. "And do I really look pixilated to you right now? Remember, I'm not the only one who looked crappy, Sir Origami Fold."
"What is it with you and names tonight, huh?" Raziel shook his head, then took a deep breath. "Okay, okay, maybe I shouldn't have said that...We do have to tolerate each other long enough for the crew to come set things up, so let's just try to be civil, okay?"
"Why?" Kain snorted. "Can't you just go back through you're little portal and wait there? They have to film you coming out of it anyway..."
"If you look at it from that point, you could fly back to the citadel just as easily," Raziel pointed out. There was a brief pause as the two considered each other's words, and then both spun about to go look at their original points of entry.
"No," Raziel sighed as he looked at the alter, which had formerly had the portal Mortanius had created in front of it. "It's gone already...What about you?"
"No good," Kain grumbled, "It's completely gone. I guess the programming takes away our chance of leaving once we meet, rather we fight or not."
"Damn programmers!" Raziel yelled out, then walked towards the middle of the isle. Kain joined him there. There were several long moments of silence as they contemplated each other, both with sinister thoughts in their head about the other.
"So," Kain said in an attempt to break the silence, "They really did a number on the place...Looks a lot better than the last time I was here."
"Oh, yeah, I'm sure, but I doubt this is the whole Cathedral they're letting us into," Raziel agreed, looking around. "I don't think they could have done an entire dungeon for 'Blood Omen' out of what little I've seen of it..."
Kain eyed Raziel. "Wait a minute, wouldn't you know rather or not it made a good dungeon or not?" he asked accusingly.
Raziel looked back a Kain, his eyes that of a child whom had just accidentally confessed to being in the cookie jar...a very strange blue wraith-like child with glowing eyes and no digestive system. "Uh...well," Raziel made a gesture as if to gulp, likely more out of habit than ability, "See, I, um, never finished playing 'Blood Omen'..It was so long, and the graphics were so crappy, and, well, it's hard to play a video game and run an entire vampire clan at the same time..."
Kain felt a familiar rage begin to burn deep inside of him. "I see," he said, calmy as to not reveal his anger to Raziel, "So, tell me, my dear Raziel...Who was the last Boss you fought before you quit the game?"
Raziel went silent and looked down. Like a small child, he hid his claws behind his back and started to trace designs on the floor with one foot. Kain glared at him. "Raziel, who was the last Boss you fought?" he asked again,
Raziel remained silent, and Kain was about to ask him again when he muttered, "Well, see, I never ever really made it to Nupraptor's Keep..."
Kain snarled and Raziel jerked his head up in time to see Kain draw the Reaver from his back. Out of instinct, Raziel jumped back and summoned the wraith-blade version of the sword to defend himself with.
"Do you mean to tell me," Kain exclaimed, "that I have been taking all of this bull about what a terrible game 'Blood Omen' is from you, and you haven't even played all of it?! Worse yet, hasn't even made it to NUPRAPTOR?!?!"
"Well, could you?!" Raziel yelled back, "Really! In comparison today's standards, the puzzles are easy, the bosses are simple, and the graphics are awful!"
"And you had to get HALF of the information from that statement from some fan site on the Internet!" Kain began to advance on Raziel. "I should have let the Reaver consume you, you useless git...You'd be more entertaining as cannon-fodder for a Monty Python cartoon, and twice as well drawn, especially your wings!"
Raziel's eyes flared slightly. "Watch it, Kain...you don't want to cross that bridge," he warned coolly.
"Oh, but I do," Kain disagreed, "I do want to cross it. I want you to know that those wings looked rather puny to me, and that you probably couldn't have even crossed the Abyss with them. I want you to know that those blasted things stuck out on you like a sore thumb that was in bad need of amputation. I want you to know that I threw you into the Abyss, because you came back out looking three times better than when you went in. And you know what else? I enjoyed the ENTIRE process!!"
Now Raziel's eyes did flare, the named Hylden soul he had taken in giving his blue flames a somewhat greenish tint. The graphics were one thing, the fact he hadn't played 'Blood Omen' another...But the wings and the Abyss crossed the line, especially for Kain. Without even thinking about it, Raziel rose the wraith Reaver up and began to advance on Kain, closer what little distance was left between them. Kain raised the physical Reaver and began to do the same thing, all thoughts of angry directors gone from their minds. There was but a few feet between them to begin with, and that was narrowing quickly. They raised the blades up, and brought them down, each ready to make a strike at the other. Then, suddenly, instead of coming in contact with each other's Reaver, they met in the middle with a third blue and white wraith blade. They blinked, confussed, as a suddenly girly voice spoke from their right.
"Goodness gracious, boys!" the voice of Razielia, the Drag Reaver cried out. "Is that ANYWAY to act in a Cathedral?!"
Kain and Raziel looked at Razielia, then at each other.
"Raz," Kain said, slowly, "Um...what is that?"
Raziel lowered the wriath blade, and as it disappeared covered his entire head with his tabard. "Shhh," he said as he did this, "If you ignore it, maybe it'll go away..."
"Oh, honeychild, you should know better," Razielia giggled, then looked at Kain. "The name's Razielia. I'm Raziel's double from an alternate reality, and with far better fashion sense." She gestured to her white and multi-shaded blue attire. She then looked at Kain closely. "Hmm, you look strangely familiar..."
Kain looked at Raziel, whom now greatly resembled a large blue tortoise and, upon deciding he wouldn't get anything useful from him, looked back to Razielia and asked "And why, persay, are you here?"
Raziel whimpered. "Don't encourage it..." he maoned.
"Oh, shush," Razielia said with a chuckle as she not-so-gently elbowed Raziel in the side. He stumbled a few steps sideways. "Such a kidder, this Razzy here. I'm his cheerleader. He and I have been together since about a third of the way through Soul Reaver 2..."
Raziel poked his head out of his tabard and glared at Razielia, his white eyes flaring as before. "I told you not to call me that!" he snarled, "And please rephrase that last statement, you make me sound gay!"
Kain looked between them, and snickered. "So you're double in an alternate universe is a transsexual Drag Reaver," he cackled, "Oh, I must relish in this..."
"Why, you making hotdogs?" Raziel snorted, then glanced at Razielia. "Amy keeps kicking her off of Nosgoth, but she just keeps coming back..."
"Mister and Misses Blue Cockroach," Kain stated with a smirk.
"You do want to die," was the only reply Raziel believed worthy of such a comment.
Razielia stared at them. "Holy Rupual! You can cut the hostility in here with knife!" she exclaimed. The crossed her arms gracefully as she considered the two. Sudden, she clapped her claws together and gave an excited screech. "I know who you are now! Oh my goodness, I can't believe I could have possibly forgotten..."
"You do?" Kain turned and eyed her suspiciously. "How so you know me?"
Razielia clapped and jumped like a giddy schoolgirl. "Koein!" she screeched, then ran up and gave Kain a hug.
Kain's eyes widened and he pushed Razielia off him as if she were something repulsive and messy. "Get off of me!" he yelled, giving one final push to free himself, then jumping away and drawing the Reaver. So rattled was he by the Drag Reaver's sudden show of affection that he didn't even notice Raziel had collapsed in a fit of laughter. The vampire growled at her, but Razielia just stared at him as though she were a heartsick child.
"But...Koein..." she mumbled.
"Stop calling me that!" Kain yelled. Then, after glancing around nervously, added in a hushed, more urgent tone, "How do you know that name?"
"Why, you're the one who made us!" she exclaimed, "You're Koein! You're fashion since has practically made you deified! All of the clans tell tells of you...Few know the truth. You know, that you were a homophobe once, but that you're spite for them drove you to create me and my sisters..."
"Kain's your master in you're world too?" Raziel managed to control his laughing long enough to look up at her. "So...he's a flaming homosexual?"
"I am not!" Kain yelled defiantly (a tone he has easily mastered over the years).
"Oh, but you are," Razielia continued, "Only you're name's Koein, not Kain..."
"I told you to stop calling me that!" he yelled again, he pointed the Reaver's tip towards her. "I'm warning you..."
"Wait a minute, you recognize that name?" Razile looked up at him. "Now, why would you recognize the name of your gay double in a gay reality?"
Kain was silent and thoughtful, and allowed the Reaver's tip to droop. At length, he cleared his throat and began to speak. The tone was obviously supposed to be one of authority, but sounded more like a desperate plea.
"I was young," he began, "and I was mortal. I wanted to do some...experimenting with my sexuality. But, of course, my noble status didn't allow me to do so without tarnishing my family record, so..."
Raziel's eyes widen, but his tone was an amused one. "Holy crap, you're a drag queen," he stated, the collapsed into another fit of laughter.
Kain felt his blood begin to boil. "I am NOT!" he yelled, "I only did it once, and that DOESN'T make me a drag queen, you son of a..."
"Boy, boys!" Razielia exclaimed, jumping between them again before Kain did something she would have thought to be rash. Raziel would have thought it normal, for Kain. "That is no way to act! Listen, when I get mad, I find that singing a song helps to calm me down. How about we all sing a nice song together, huh?"
"Yes, let's sing a song," Raziel agreed, still chuckling. "How about YMCA...I bet Kain knows the words to that one very well."
If looks could kill, Raziel would have faded into the Spectral Realm. Instead, Razielia nodded. "Okay, YMCA it is. Now, on three. One...two..."
"Wait!" Kain spin on her. "If we're gonna be singing anything, it had better be something a lot more manly than the Village People!"
"Oh yeah?" Raziel said, getting up. "Like what?"
"Well...maybe more like...The Rolling Stones?"
Amy Henning walked into Avernus Cathedral. Typically, it was considered bad taste for a director to approach the characters in a game, but Raziel and Kain were a bit different story.
"Sorry, guys," she started, "Took us forever to get things back into place. I've got a techie working on getting the portal and the bat beacon reactivated, so we should be able..."
Suddenly, she stopped and stared. Before her, in front of the alter that held the Dark Scripture, where she expected to see Kain and Raziel trying for all they were worth not to do bodily damage to each other, she instead found that damned Raziel-wanna-be drag queen dancing and singing, while waving her own version of the Reaver high above her head. Behind her, Kain and Raziel mimicked her antics, including waving their own Reavers about. Amy took a moment to let the scene sink in, and that when she heard what they were singing.
"When I'm ridin' round the world
And I'm a doin' this and I'm signing that
And I'm tryin' to make some girl
Who tells me baby better come back later next week
'Cause you see I'm on a losing streak
I can't get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say
I can't get no,
I can't get no
I can't get no satisfaction
No satisfaction,
No satisfaction,
No satisfaction."
Amy stared at them for a several moments longer, unable to believe that these two heros that were supposed to fight each other in a battle on which the past two games she had directed in this series depended upon were now dancing a singing like larks with that...thing. She reached into her pocket and began to radio her staff.
"Some one get in here and get this damn thing out of here!" she yelled into the radio, pointing to Razielia. "And when you come, bring Moebius and about nine hours worth of Barney the dinosaur tapes...If that doesn't get them at each other's throats again, nothing will..."