Chapter Ten
She didn't know how long she stayed there, or how long it was before James arrived. She cried like she hadn't done in a long time. She had, what girls like to call, a good cry about everything and anything. She felt like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders and everything just seemed to be going all wrong. The structure of her formerly tight-knit group of friends was beginning to change, and the loss of that old familiarity frightened her. She had seemingly lost a friend, but had gained something new and much different in return. She wasn't sure if she loved Remus, it was far too early to tell, but what she did know, was that she had never felt about anyone else like she did for Remus. She didn't care, and hadn't cared, for anyone else in that way.
Beyond that though, everyone just seemed to be changing on a personal level. They were all in their sixth year, and soon they would be in their seventh, and after that, it was time for Life. She had never before cared about O.W.Ls or N.E.W.T.s, but now they were of utmost important. Everyone she knew always seemed to be bearing this unbelievable load of course work and always seemed to have a complex schedule of assignments and due dates running through their minds. The pressure to succeed was beginning to build and everyone, including Darwin, could feel it. She had even seen James, Mr. Social himself, tucked away in a quiet corner of the library, pouring over a large tome, obviously trying his best to ignore the loud group of fourth years nearby playing a game of Exploding Snap.
And then, of course, there was Sirius. Despite all his faults, she loved him to death and it induced an almost physical pain within her to be at such drastic odds with him. She desperately longed for their relationship to return to the way it was. She wished she had never told him off and that the row had never happened. He had always, since they had first met all those years ago, been one of the only people she could truly be herself around. She felt fairly comfortable around Remus, but there were still moments of awkwardness or shyness, and it just wasn't the same as it was with Sirius. She could say anything, do anything, ask anything ( an aspect of their relationship which she particularly missed now, as her knowledge of the opposite sex was somewhat limited), but now, there was just a void. Other then Lily, who was a nice, but somewhat silly, person, she had no close female friends, and James was just never serious and Peter, to be honest, could really be an irritating little git a lot of time, which left her options for confiding in someone quite slim. In truth, she needed Sirius as her friend, and now, because of her, she had lost that companionship.
She had taken a seat on the floor, her back against the cold stone wall. She didn't even bother to wipe the tears away anymore. Her eyes were sore and her nose was running. Her throat burned something fierce and it hurt to swallow. Her face and hands were flushed and warm, but her legs and back were cold. She wanted to go to bed, but she didn't want to get up. The toilet was dark and quiet, and thankfully empty, and the only noise was the occasional drip from one of the faucets. She thought about the snow-covered grounds outside, thought about the Forbidden Forest and the branches of the trees heavy with snow. She thought about the quiet peace which must exist at the edges of the Forest, which were the only safe parts, and wished that contented calmness could replace the turmoil inside her.
And that was how James found her, crumpled on the ground in a daze, freezing. Instead of being surprised at the entrance of someone to the out-of-the-way toilet, she didn't even look up. She was too far removed to be surprised and too depressed to care. She knew it was a male, she could see the pant legs and shoes out of the corner of her vision, and the thought that he was in a girls' toilet and maybe shouldn't be there didn't even occur to her.
"Is this where the party's at?" James asked quietly. Even when he was being serious, he had to try and be funny.
"Yeah. But I doubt anyone's going to show. They all hate me." At this last part, her voice cracked and she gave a little whimper before a fresh batch of burning turns started pouring out of her eyes.
"Aw, don't say that. We all love you like a fat kid loves cake." At this he took a seat next to her and placed a comforting arm around her shoulders. "Nice digs for a party."
She sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeve. "Thanks a lot James."
He gave a soft laugh. He paused for a moment, as if giving Darwin the chance to speak. When she didn't, he broke the silence.
"I hear you've had quite the falling out with Sirius." He started. She wanted to talk about it, especially with someone as open and easy to talk to as James, but she couldn't help feeling a little reluctant. It might've been that she didn't want to think about those things she had said, to feel that pain again, or perhaps it was just that there was a pervading sense of it being a personal matter.
"Who told you that?" She asked, punctuated by another sniff.
"Sirius." He said simply.
"When?"
"Just now."
"But then, how did you find me so quickly?" She asked, her mind suddenly removed from her troubles. The castle was a huge, intertwining, shifting, sprawling mass. It could take hours to find someone, even when you had an idea of where they were.
"Lucky guess?" He shrugged his shoulders and Darwin didn't believe a word of it. Judging by the look on his face, he didn't expect her to.
"James, this place is huge. What, did you track me down by my scent?" She asked, skeptical.
"I told you, it was a lucky guess." He replied, and she could tell, the issue was closed. She wasn't going to get anything else out of him.
"So I guess if Sirius told you what happened, you must believe every word? Of course you would." The words came out a little more venomous then she intended and she immediately regretted it. She really did appreciate James being there.
"Darwin, what do you take me for? I know Sirius, and I know he's full of shit half the time. I heard *his* side of the story, and I realize that he probably omitted a few details." He waited for a moment. "Would you like to talk about it?"
"No." She quickly. Then she let out a frustrated sigh. She had to talk about it, get it off her chest. "It's just, I don't understand him sometimes. He can just be such an arse sometimes and it gets so frustrating. Lately, he's become such a meddling, moody git that I can barely stand him. I mean, honestly, what's his problem?"
James gave a little, patronizing laugh, that surprised her.
"You mean, you can't tell?" He quirked an eyebrow.
"Tell what?" Her best guess was that Sirius was experiencing the male equivalent of PMS, if there was such a thing, and it just wasn't going away. She really didn't feel like volunteering this answer though.
"The lad is absolutely green with jealousy." He told her.
"Jealous, why?" For a moment, she thought he meant that he was jealous of her and that he had this weird thing for Remus, but then she realized. "Of, Remus, you mean?"
"No, of you. He's a real poofter on the inside." James joked. "Yes, he's madly jealous of Remus. Sirius has had it bad for you since he first met you, I would think." He was being serious, in the best way James could, and she was honestly shocked.
"But, I don't understand. If he felt that way, why has he never said anything? Why have we just been friends all this time?" She asked very quickly. She felt like she was gaining some valuable insight into Sirius, via his good mate, and she wanted to know as much as possible.
"I honestly couldn't tell you. I guess he just didn't want to ruin your friendship, and now it's become this big complex for him where he can't be more then your friend, but if he can't have you, neither can anyone else. And so you see his problem."
She let a loud sigh.
"Boys!" She scratched her head and shifted her weight. She had been sitting there for far too long and was beginning to get uncomfortable. "Why can't he just let it go? I mean, Remus of all people. I could understand if it were someone he didn't get on with, or someone that he hated, but Remus? I always thought they were friends."
"But that's just that thing, they are. Or, they were." Darwin winced a little, she still felt like it was her fault. "It's just the way Sirius's mind works. He's a competitive person, especially with his friends. He feels like he has to outdo us. Which, of course, makes it much worse because now one of his friends has the one thing he could never get."
"More like the one thing he was never willing to let himself have." She quietly replied. She thought for a moment. "And all this time, I thought there might be something wrong with me. While Sirius went after practically every girl he saw, he always seemed to overlook me. For the longest time, I thought I was just this unattractive cow who Sirius thought of as just 'one of the lads'". As she said this, a flood of memories from her adolescence came to her. Staring at herself in the mirror, just knowing her nose was too big, her lips too small, her body too fat and feeling disgusted with herself. Seeing Sirius with a different pretty girl on his arm every week, wishing she could be that girl, wishing she could kiss Sirius, wishing she could be pretty like one of his girls. Just wishing she was anyone but herself.
James gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze.
"Hardly! Have you seen the way that boy looks at you sometimes?" James asked, sounding rather amused and excited.
"......no?" She couldn't help it, but she really wanted to know.
"Sometimes, by the way he just stares at you, when you're unaware of course, I think that he wants to just pull down your knickers and go at it right there. There could even be a hundred people in the room, all your friends and family, and I doubt he'd think twice about it."
Darwin coughed, shifted her weight again, and felt her face burn.
"But then of course, there's those other times, "Here James' voice grew quieter. He wasn't laughing at his friend anymore. "Those times, when he just gets this look on his face. It's just so full of adoration, and devotion, and," He paused for a moment. "And love, that I just can't believe that it's Sirius I'm looking at. I hope I can look at a girl that way someday."
James gave her a moment to just digest that information. She never knew, had never realized before -
"So, how go things with Remus?" James asked. She was quickly brought out of her thoughts.
"Oh, um, really good actually. I really like him." She said, shyly.
"That's grand. I'm rooting for him, you know. " He gave her a big smile and a wink. "It's about time he caught a break." This last part was more to himself. He sounded like he was trying to vindicate an argument.
"What do you mean, rooting for him? What about Sirius?" She had always thought that James was closer to Sirius. Not that he didn't like Remus, they were great mates, but Remus was more independent and Sirius and James were just alike in so many ways.
"Sirius is a great mate, I love him like a brother, but he had his chance. This silly game he plays is just starting to drag and he should just let someone else have a go. It's unfair to you and it's unfair to Remus. Sirius just needs to grow up. And of course there's-" He stopped himself in mid-sentence.
"There's what?" She asked.
"Nothing." He said, seemingly as though he was considering telling her what it was. "It's nothing."
"Is it something to do with Remus?" She asked slowly.
"No." He waited. "Why?"
"It's just, I don't know, he seems like he's got a lot on his mind. A lot of things to worry about. He acts strange sometimes." She said, thinking of the events of earlier that evening.
"Strange? How so?" James seemed quite interested.
"Oh! Um, I don't know, just strange." She stuttered. She could feel her face starting to burn again. She really didn't feel like telling James of all people that Remus had flip-flopped between a chaste monk and sex-crazed animal.
James seemed uncomfortably interested. He was looking at her in a searching way. His whole demeanor had changed and all humor had disappeared from him. "Strange in an okay way, right? I mean, he hasn't hurt you or anything, right?" He asked slowly.
"No! Not at all. Why do you ask?" She was truly confused now, and was really beginning to wish she were in bed.
"No reason!" James exclaimed, returning to his normal cheerful self. "You look awfully tired, I think it's time for bed."
"I think you're right."
James stood and then pulled Darwin to her feet. Her legs were stiff and she felt cold. They began to walk and the toilet was suddenly filled with the echos of their footsteps, and just as they left, Darwin chanced to glance over her shoulder and out one of the high windows cut into the stone walls. The moon was high and nearly full. What a pretty sight.
As soon as they were in the corridor, and surrounded by a warmer hue, Darwin could feel her mood beginning to lift along with the color of her surroundings and decided to engage James in what he was best at. Banter.
"So, James, how goes it was Lily?" She asked slyly.
"I thought you'd never ask!" James exclaimed. "Mmm, Lily." He moaned as he closed his eyes for a moment, most likely thinking of his lady love.
"Anyway, yes, I'm having some problems." He began, as if he were addressing his therapist.
"Problems? Like, erectile problems?" Darwin joked.
"Ha! Very funny. No, you see, Lily, as it turns out, is very ticklish. I mean, this kid is ticklish just everywhere. Her shoulders are even ticklish! I mean, honestly, who has ticklish shoulders?"
"Obviously Lily." Darwin dead panned.
"That's enough out of you. Anyway, so you see, my problem is that I'm trying to pull off my best moves, and all she does is laugh. Sometimes I don't know if she's laughing at me or laughing because she's ticklish. It's been hurting my fragile male psyche like you wouldn't believe." He was doing a fantastic job of making like this was actually a big issue for him.
"Aw, poor James." Darwin sympathized.
"So, back to the common room then?" James asked.
"Sure. Oh! No, wait-" She had suddenly just remembered. A few days prior, before Remus had begun acting strangely, he had asked her to spend the Christmas holiday with him and his family. She knew she wouldn't really be missed by her family, as they were never that close, and as of now, she wouldn't have her usual company of Sirius. When he had first offered, she had told him she would consider, knowing she would most likely accept his offer, but after her falling out with Sirius, and all her time alone to think afterward, the matter had been easily decided. For now, all that was left was the formality of asking her mother for permission.
"I've just got to run to the owlery, to send a letter to my mum. I'm going to spend the holiday with Remus." She told James.
"Really?" He seemed genuinely surprised. "You don't want to go home?" He seemed quite shocked by this. It was common knowledge that James was a mama's boy at heart and was extremely close to his family. She realized that the idea of spending Christmas anywhere but at home, with one's family, must seem quite ridiculous to him.
"Nah. My family doesn't really celebrate. We're not that close. It's no big deal." She sighed. It was rare, but sometimes, she wished she had a family like James'.
"That must be odd. Does, uh, Sirius know then?" James asked timidly, seeing as the issue was still sore.
"Sirius? No. I hardly need to check in with him whenever I plan to do something. Besides, the prat will eventually figure it out for himself, I'm sure." She replied rather stiffly.
"I see." James said simply. "Shall I come with you then?"
"Nah. That's alright. I'll see you back in the common room."
"Goodnight then."
"'Night."
At this, James took the next left, which was the quickest way back to the Gryffindor common room. Darwin continued on straight ahead, towards the owlery. She was actually quite looking forward to spending the holiday with Remus. He hadn't actually told her that much about his family, and she assumed that his situation was somewhat like hers. What she was really looking forward to was just being to be with him and not having to worry about classes or assignments or waking up early or interfering older-brother types.
The castle was beginning to quiet, and she met very few people in the corridors. She had always been very light on her feet, and as she climbed the stairs leading to the owlery, she made very little noise. As she reached the door, she heard voices, and at first, thought nothing of them. But, as it is a natural thing, the quieter a voice is speaking, the more one will strain to hear it. These voices were furtive and soft. The voices of conspirators. She placed her ear against the thick wooden door which lead to the owlery and listened.
"I agree, we've waited long enough." Said the first. A strong voice with a high-class accent. Darwin had a sinking suspicion of who it might be.
"Do you think anyone has been fooled by this ruse though?" Asked a second. A thicker, darker voice. Almost slimey. She was almost positive of who it belonged to.
"Yes. Most have, I believe. Only the wisest and oldest haven't, but we couldn't hope to fool them. The time is now. We'll just send word and it will begin. " Said the first, sounding vindictive.
Darwin, in spite of herself, gasped slightly and shifted her weight ever so slightly, causing the floor boards to creak. The conversation inside the owlery ceased immediately. Her heart leapt into her throat and she began to panic, looking desperately for a place to hide. The problem was, there just wasn't anywhere to hide. The staircase lead to a small landing outside the owlery door and that was all. The only place to go was back down the stairs, but they were too long. Added to that, she didn't know any kind of charm of spell that could conceal her, and so that's why, moments later, she came to face to face with none other than Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy.
She was glued to the spot and her heart was pounding. She could see the contempt and suspicion in their eyes and wanted to run. Malfoy sneered and Snape just glared.
"Ah, Darwin Moore." Malfoy stated, barely concealing his disgust.
"Born in Canada," He said it like it was a bad thing. "The daughter of Ronald and Marie Moore. Muggles." Snape rambled off, as of he had it memorized.
Darwin was momentarily at a loss for words. How on earth did Snape, of all people, know that?
"Well, better Canada then America." She sputtered. "Besides, how do you know that?" She demanded.
"None of your business, Mudblood." Snape growled.
"Mudblood?!" She spat furiously. She was indignant.
"You heard me. You don't deserve to-" At that moment he took a menacing step forward, only to be stopped in his tracks by Malfoy, who placed an arm between them.
"Now, now, Severus. None of that, if you please. She can't help her pitiful lineage." Malfoy's lips curled into another sneer. He gave Darwin the once over and stated simply "What a pity." After that, he began to walk away, his head held high. Snape reluctantly followed, still glaring at Darwin.
Darwin stayed where she was for a few moments longer. She was furious and frightened at the same time. Something was about to go down, and she was worried. The only problem was, she had no proof and she knew, just knew, that if she told anyone what she had heard, no one would believe her. No one would want to believe her. She hated to admit it, but she was coming to believe that Snape and Malfoy were being drastically underestimated. It was just something about the way they acted, the way they spoke, that made her think they were capable of terrible things. They were born and bred in their beliefs and ways and would only continue to rot from the inside out at they grew older.
Despite being quite shaken, she managed to scrawl a quick note to her mother, wishing her a happy Christmas and telling her of her plans. Since she didn't have her own owl, she just used one of the school's owls to send her letter. As soon as the bird took flight, she made her way quickly back to the Gryffindor common room, praying there would be no more confrontations.
She reached the common room without incident and found it strangely empty. Not even James, who seemed to hate, above all else, being alone for more then a minute, was around. The only sounds were the crackling of the fire and wind rushing past the windows. She decided to call it a night and climbed the stairs to her dormitory. There, she found Holly, Heather and Rosemary, getting ready for bed and engaging in the usual girly gossip and giggling. Lily was strangely absent, however.
"Where's Lily?" Darwin asked as she ruffled through a pile of clothes next to her bed to find her pajamas.
"She's gone off, with James, no doubt to snog." Heather told her with a giggle. "They make such a cute couple." She said in a sing-song voice.
"Huh. I see." Darwin replied, already disinterested.
"So, how's the hubby?" Rosemary asked coyly jumping onto Darwin's bed and propping her head on her hands.
"You mean Remus?" She asked, wanting to go to the washroom to change, but feeling obligated to answer her friends' silly questions.
"Mmmhmm. He's so dreamy!" She sighed, and all three of them erupted into a fit of giggles.
"He's grand." She said simply. There was a slight pause and she thought she had time to escape, but half way across the room, she was stopped again.
"So, tell us, is he a good kisser?" Holly asked matter-of-factly from her place by the mirror, brushing her hair. Truth be told, Darwin was rather uncomfortable discussing things like this and could feel her self becoming annoyed and embarrassed.
"I, uh, well-" She stuttered.
"Ohhh, so he's left you speechless then? He must be great." Rosemary chimed in, followed by another laugh.
"I suppose." Darwin said simply, a small smile on her lips. She suddenly wanted to be off with Remus, making like James and Lily.
"So, how long before you sleep with him?"This was from Holly, her tone still very matter-of-fact. Now for Darwin, this was just going to far. She had hardly toyed with the idea herself, and she definitely wasn't ready to discuss it with anyone else, not even Remus.
"Okay, okay, that's enough for now." Darwin said quickly, turning on her heel and heading for the washroom.
"Oh ho ho! Maybe she already has!" Holly called, giving a loud laugh. "I bet he's a real tiger. It's always the shy, quiet ones!"
"Yeah, and she's probably a screamer!" Called Rosemary.
"No way! More like a scratcher! Remus's back is probably a mess!" Exclaimed Heather.
"Oh Remus! Remus! Faster! Harder! Oh! OH!" Holly moaned, mocking an orgasm. The three of them were in absolute hysterics now.
"I hate you all!" Called Darwin, not really meaning it. She changed quickly and then jumped straight into bed, but was not spared a few more calls about Remus.
"Psst. Darwin! Are your sheets cold? Would you like us to fetch Remus to warm them up?" Rosemary whispered as they all lay in bed, the room dark.
"That's quite alright." Darwin replied.
"Have you gone to see Madam Pompfrey yet? To have that special chat and get that special potion?" Holly sniggered.
"No. Not yet." Darwin said sarcastically.
"So, how big are the family jewels?" Someone asked. It might have been Holly again, but she wasn't sure. The person was trying so hard not to laugh, their voice came out quite warped.
"Okay, that's just enough. Good night girls." Darwin said with as much finality as she could muster.
"Oh alright. Goodnight then."
Thankfully, she was able to fall asleep not long after.
The next morning it was the same routine as usual, only that even though Darwin was awake before everyone else, she didn't get out of bed and get ready until after they had all left. She knew she should be getting up, but it was just one of those mornings. She just didn't want to get out of bed.
By the time she had finally made her way to the Great Hall, she found her friends there, all in various states of wakefulness. James seemed to be the worst off. His hair was doing this funny sort of flip and he only seemed able to keep one eye open. If she knew better, she might've said he looked hung over, but she didn't.
Just as she was taking her seat, the Hall was flooded with owls carrying the students' mail. Not surprisingly, she had received a reply from her mother. The note said simply that it was perfectly alright for her to spend the holiday with Remus and to have fun.
At this, Darwin looked around to find Remus and tell him the good news, only to find him strangely absent.
"Where's-" She began, but stopped to clear her throat. "Where's Remus she asked?"
At first, no one answered. Lily shrugged her shoulders and continued to read her mail. As for James and Peter, a strange, furtive look passed between them, but they said nothing. In the case of Sirius, he refused to even acknowledge Darwin.
"Uh, lads? Where's Remus?" Darwin asked again.
Peter glanced at James through the corner of his eye.
"We're not sure. He must be around, though." Peter said in the most unconvincing voice Darwin had ever heard.
"Yeah, I saw him this morning." James broke in, giving an emphatic nod of his head.
"Why isn't he at breakfast?" She asked. This was just unlike him. Remus was the sort of person who enjoyed routine and familiarity and it didn't seem like a thing he would do. He was very devoted to her and he always made sure they saw each other in the morning before classes began, just in case their schedules didn't cross that day. That, and he really seemed to enjoy a nice early-in-the-morning snog.
"I wouldn't worry about it. He'll turn up." James said very quickly, completely avoiding eye contact.
Darwin took a moment to consider. They were hiding something from her, there was no mistaking it.
"What do you mean, turn up? He should be here. He's always here. You four are practically attached at the hip." She said, slightly accusingly.
"Darwin, love, just calm down." Lily broke in. Darwin barely heard her.
"Look, Darwin, we really don't know where he is." Peter told her, trying to sound honest.
"Oh, please. What are you two hiding from me? What, is he off with some other girl?" She asked. She didn't really think this was it, but hoped the ridiculousness of it would force them to tell her the truth.
But, before either James or Peter could reply, Sirius spoke up.
"Better that then where he really is." His voice was absolutely dripping with contempt.
Darwin just shot him a cold look. She did not want to deal with him right now. She stood to leave, without having eaten any breakfast.
"Fine, if you won't tell me where he is, I'll be off." She said rather stiffly and turned to leave. As she was leaving, she passed the Slytherin table and caught Lucius Malfoy's eye. His eyes narrowed and a cruel looking smirk appeared on his face. Darwin quickly looked away and began to prepare herself for another long, academic day.
A/N: I just *had* to put the 50 Cent line in. I'm not really a fan, I just love that line. Anyway, hurray for a hundred reviews! And I can still remember, back in the day, when I didn't have any and I was convinced that no one was reading this. Wow, this was a pretty quick update, eh? Especially by my usual standards ^_^. I think I've finally got a good idea of where this is going. Finally. Some more angst and Death Eaters coming up soon to be sure. Oh, and of course, Remus love! Yay! That's it for now, bye bye.
She didn't know how long she stayed there, or how long it was before James arrived. She cried like she hadn't done in a long time. She had, what girls like to call, a good cry about everything and anything. She felt like she had the weight of the world on her shoulders and everything just seemed to be going all wrong. The structure of her formerly tight-knit group of friends was beginning to change, and the loss of that old familiarity frightened her. She had seemingly lost a friend, but had gained something new and much different in return. She wasn't sure if she loved Remus, it was far too early to tell, but what she did know, was that she had never felt about anyone else like she did for Remus. She didn't care, and hadn't cared, for anyone else in that way.
Beyond that though, everyone just seemed to be changing on a personal level. They were all in their sixth year, and soon they would be in their seventh, and after that, it was time for Life. She had never before cared about O.W.Ls or N.E.W.T.s, but now they were of utmost important. Everyone she knew always seemed to be bearing this unbelievable load of course work and always seemed to have a complex schedule of assignments and due dates running through their minds. The pressure to succeed was beginning to build and everyone, including Darwin, could feel it. She had even seen James, Mr. Social himself, tucked away in a quiet corner of the library, pouring over a large tome, obviously trying his best to ignore the loud group of fourth years nearby playing a game of Exploding Snap.
And then, of course, there was Sirius. Despite all his faults, she loved him to death and it induced an almost physical pain within her to be at such drastic odds with him. She desperately longed for their relationship to return to the way it was. She wished she had never told him off and that the row had never happened. He had always, since they had first met all those years ago, been one of the only people she could truly be herself around. She felt fairly comfortable around Remus, but there were still moments of awkwardness or shyness, and it just wasn't the same as it was with Sirius. She could say anything, do anything, ask anything ( an aspect of their relationship which she particularly missed now, as her knowledge of the opposite sex was somewhat limited), but now, there was just a void. Other then Lily, who was a nice, but somewhat silly, person, she had no close female friends, and James was just never serious and Peter, to be honest, could really be an irritating little git a lot of time, which left her options for confiding in someone quite slim. In truth, she needed Sirius as her friend, and now, because of her, she had lost that companionship.
She had taken a seat on the floor, her back against the cold stone wall. She didn't even bother to wipe the tears away anymore. Her eyes were sore and her nose was running. Her throat burned something fierce and it hurt to swallow. Her face and hands were flushed and warm, but her legs and back were cold. She wanted to go to bed, but she didn't want to get up. The toilet was dark and quiet, and thankfully empty, and the only noise was the occasional drip from one of the faucets. She thought about the snow-covered grounds outside, thought about the Forbidden Forest and the branches of the trees heavy with snow. She thought about the quiet peace which must exist at the edges of the Forest, which were the only safe parts, and wished that contented calmness could replace the turmoil inside her.
And that was how James found her, crumpled on the ground in a daze, freezing. Instead of being surprised at the entrance of someone to the out-of-the-way toilet, she didn't even look up. She was too far removed to be surprised and too depressed to care. She knew it was a male, she could see the pant legs and shoes out of the corner of her vision, and the thought that he was in a girls' toilet and maybe shouldn't be there didn't even occur to her.
"Is this where the party's at?" James asked quietly. Even when he was being serious, he had to try and be funny.
"Yeah. But I doubt anyone's going to show. They all hate me." At this last part, her voice cracked and she gave a little whimper before a fresh batch of burning turns started pouring out of her eyes.
"Aw, don't say that. We all love you like a fat kid loves cake." At this he took a seat next to her and placed a comforting arm around her shoulders. "Nice digs for a party."
She sniffed and wiped her nose on her sleeve. "Thanks a lot James."
He gave a soft laugh. He paused for a moment, as if giving Darwin the chance to speak. When she didn't, he broke the silence.
"I hear you've had quite the falling out with Sirius." He started. She wanted to talk about it, especially with someone as open and easy to talk to as James, but she couldn't help feeling a little reluctant. It might've been that she didn't want to think about those things she had said, to feel that pain again, or perhaps it was just that there was a pervading sense of it being a personal matter.
"Who told you that?" She asked, punctuated by another sniff.
"Sirius." He said simply.
"When?"
"Just now."
"But then, how did you find me so quickly?" She asked, her mind suddenly removed from her troubles. The castle was a huge, intertwining, shifting, sprawling mass. It could take hours to find someone, even when you had an idea of where they were.
"Lucky guess?" He shrugged his shoulders and Darwin didn't believe a word of it. Judging by the look on his face, he didn't expect her to.
"James, this place is huge. What, did you track me down by my scent?" She asked, skeptical.
"I told you, it was a lucky guess." He replied, and she could tell, the issue was closed. She wasn't going to get anything else out of him.
"So I guess if Sirius told you what happened, you must believe every word? Of course you would." The words came out a little more venomous then she intended and she immediately regretted it. She really did appreciate James being there.
"Darwin, what do you take me for? I know Sirius, and I know he's full of shit half the time. I heard *his* side of the story, and I realize that he probably omitted a few details." He waited for a moment. "Would you like to talk about it?"
"No." She quickly. Then she let out a frustrated sigh. She had to talk about it, get it off her chest. "It's just, I don't understand him sometimes. He can just be such an arse sometimes and it gets so frustrating. Lately, he's become such a meddling, moody git that I can barely stand him. I mean, honestly, what's his problem?"
James gave a little, patronizing laugh, that surprised her.
"You mean, you can't tell?" He quirked an eyebrow.
"Tell what?" Her best guess was that Sirius was experiencing the male equivalent of PMS, if there was such a thing, and it just wasn't going away. She really didn't feel like volunteering this answer though.
"The lad is absolutely green with jealousy." He told her.
"Jealous, why?" For a moment, she thought he meant that he was jealous of her and that he had this weird thing for Remus, but then she realized. "Of, Remus, you mean?"
"No, of you. He's a real poofter on the inside." James joked. "Yes, he's madly jealous of Remus. Sirius has had it bad for you since he first met you, I would think." He was being serious, in the best way James could, and she was honestly shocked.
"But, I don't understand. If he felt that way, why has he never said anything? Why have we just been friends all this time?" She asked very quickly. She felt like she was gaining some valuable insight into Sirius, via his good mate, and she wanted to know as much as possible.
"I honestly couldn't tell you. I guess he just didn't want to ruin your friendship, and now it's become this big complex for him where he can't be more then your friend, but if he can't have you, neither can anyone else. And so you see his problem."
She let a loud sigh.
"Boys!" She scratched her head and shifted her weight. She had been sitting there for far too long and was beginning to get uncomfortable. "Why can't he just let it go? I mean, Remus of all people. I could understand if it were someone he didn't get on with, or someone that he hated, but Remus? I always thought they were friends."
"But that's just that thing, they are. Or, they were." Darwin winced a little, she still felt like it was her fault. "It's just the way Sirius's mind works. He's a competitive person, especially with his friends. He feels like he has to outdo us. Which, of course, makes it much worse because now one of his friends has the one thing he could never get."
"More like the one thing he was never willing to let himself have." She quietly replied. She thought for a moment. "And all this time, I thought there might be something wrong with me. While Sirius went after practically every girl he saw, he always seemed to overlook me. For the longest time, I thought I was just this unattractive cow who Sirius thought of as just 'one of the lads'". As she said this, a flood of memories from her adolescence came to her. Staring at herself in the mirror, just knowing her nose was too big, her lips too small, her body too fat and feeling disgusted with herself. Seeing Sirius with a different pretty girl on his arm every week, wishing she could be that girl, wishing she could kiss Sirius, wishing she could be pretty like one of his girls. Just wishing she was anyone but herself.
James gave her shoulder a comforting squeeze.
"Hardly! Have you seen the way that boy looks at you sometimes?" James asked, sounding rather amused and excited.
"......no?" She couldn't help it, but she really wanted to know.
"Sometimes, by the way he just stares at you, when you're unaware of course, I think that he wants to just pull down your knickers and go at it right there. There could even be a hundred people in the room, all your friends and family, and I doubt he'd think twice about it."
Darwin coughed, shifted her weight again, and felt her face burn.
"But then of course, there's those other times, "Here James' voice grew quieter. He wasn't laughing at his friend anymore. "Those times, when he just gets this look on his face. It's just so full of adoration, and devotion, and," He paused for a moment. "And love, that I just can't believe that it's Sirius I'm looking at. I hope I can look at a girl that way someday."
James gave her a moment to just digest that information. She never knew, had never realized before -
"So, how go things with Remus?" James asked. She was quickly brought out of her thoughts.
"Oh, um, really good actually. I really like him." She said, shyly.
"That's grand. I'm rooting for him, you know. " He gave her a big smile and a wink. "It's about time he caught a break." This last part was more to himself. He sounded like he was trying to vindicate an argument.
"What do you mean, rooting for him? What about Sirius?" She had always thought that James was closer to Sirius. Not that he didn't like Remus, they were great mates, but Remus was more independent and Sirius and James were just alike in so many ways.
"Sirius is a great mate, I love him like a brother, but he had his chance. This silly game he plays is just starting to drag and he should just let someone else have a go. It's unfair to you and it's unfair to Remus. Sirius just needs to grow up. And of course there's-" He stopped himself in mid-sentence.
"There's what?" She asked.
"Nothing." He said, seemingly as though he was considering telling her what it was. "It's nothing."
"Is it something to do with Remus?" She asked slowly.
"No." He waited. "Why?"
"It's just, I don't know, he seems like he's got a lot on his mind. A lot of things to worry about. He acts strange sometimes." She said, thinking of the events of earlier that evening.
"Strange? How so?" James seemed quite interested.
"Oh! Um, I don't know, just strange." She stuttered. She could feel her face starting to burn again. She really didn't feel like telling James of all people that Remus had flip-flopped between a chaste monk and sex-crazed animal.
James seemed uncomfortably interested. He was looking at her in a searching way. His whole demeanor had changed and all humor had disappeared from him. "Strange in an okay way, right? I mean, he hasn't hurt you or anything, right?" He asked slowly.
"No! Not at all. Why do you ask?" She was truly confused now, and was really beginning to wish she were in bed.
"No reason!" James exclaimed, returning to his normal cheerful self. "You look awfully tired, I think it's time for bed."
"I think you're right."
James stood and then pulled Darwin to her feet. Her legs were stiff and she felt cold. They began to walk and the toilet was suddenly filled with the echos of their footsteps, and just as they left, Darwin chanced to glance over her shoulder and out one of the high windows cut into the stone walls. The moon was high and nearly full. What a pretty sight.
As soon as they were in the corridor, and surrounded by a warmer hue, Darwin could feel her mood beginning to lift along with the color of her surroundings and decided to engage James in what he was best at. Banter.
"So, James, how goes it was Lily?" She asked slyly.
"I thought you'd never ask!" James exclaimed. "Mmm, Lily." He moaned as he closed his eyes for a moment, most likely thinking of his lady love.
"Anyway, yes, I'm having some problems." He began, as if he were addressing his therapist.
"Problems? Like, erectile problems?" Darwin joked.
"Ha! Very funny. No, you see, Lily, as it turns out, is very ticklish. I mean, this kid is ticklish just everywhere. Her shoulders are even ticklish! I mean, honestly, who has ticklish shoulders?"
"Obviously Lily." Darwin dead panned.
"That's enough out of you. Anyway, so you see, my problem is that I'm trying to pull off my best moves, and all she does is laugh. Sometimes I don't know if she's laughing at me or laughing because she's ticklish. It's been hurting my fragile male psyche like you wouldn't believe." He was doing a fantastic job of making like this was actually a big issue for him.
"Aw, poor James." Darwin sympathized.
"So, back to the common room then?" James asked.
"Sure. Oh! No, wait-" She had suddenly just remembered. A few days prior, before Remus had begun acting strangely, he had asked her to spend the Christmas holiday with him and his family. She knew she wouldn't really be missed by her family, as they were never that close, and as of now, she wouldn't have her usual company of Sirius. When he had first offered, she had told him she would consider, knowing she would most likely accept his offer, but after her falling out with Sirius, and all her time alone to think afterward, the matter had been easily decided. For now, all that was left was the formality of asking her mother for permission.
"I've just got to run to the owlery, to send a letter to my mum. I'm going to spend the holiday with Remus." She told James.
"Really?" He seemed genuinely surprised. "You don't want to go home?" He seemed quite shocked by this. It was common knowledge that James was a mama's boy at heart and was extremely close to his family. She realized that the idea of spending Christmas anywhere but at home, with one's family, must seem quite ridiculous to him.
"Nah. My family doesn't really celebrate. We're not that close. It's no big deal." She sighed. It was rare, but sometimes, she wished she had a family like James'.
"That must be odd. Does, uh, Sirius know then?" James asked timidly, seeing as the issue was still sore.
"Sirius? No. I hardly need to check in with him whenever I plan to do something. Besides, the prat will eventually figure it out for himself, I'm sure." She replied rather stiffly.
"I see." James said simply. "Shall I come with you then?"
"Nah. That's alright. I'll see you back in the common room."
"Goodnight then."
"'Night."
At this, James took the next left, which was the quickest way back to the Gryffindor common room. Darwin continued on straight ahead, towards the owlery. She was actually quite looking forward to spending the holiday with Remus. He hadn't actually told her that much about his family, and she assumed that his situation was somewhat like hers. What she was really looking forward to was just being to be with him and not having to worry about classes or assignments or waking up early or interfering older-brother types.
The castle was beginning to quiet, and she met very few people in the corridors. She had always been very light on her feet, and as she climbed the stairs leading to the owlery, she made very little noise. As she reached the door, she heard voices, and at first, thought nothing of them. But, as it is a natural thing, the quieter a voice is speaking, the more one will strain to hear it. These voices were furtive and soft. The voices of conspirators. She placed her ear against the thick wooden door which lead to the owlery and listened.
"I agree, we've waited long enough." Said the first. A strong voice with a high-class accent. Darwin had a sinking suspicion of who it might be.
"Do you think anyone has been fooled by this ruse though?" Asked a second. A thicker, darker voice. Almost slimey. She was almost positive of who it belonged to.
"Yes. Most have, I believe. Only the wisest and oldest haven't, but we couldn't hope to fool them. The time is now. We'll just send word and it will begin. " Said the first, sounding vindictive.
Darwin, in spite of herself, gasped slightly and shifted her weight ever so slightly, causing the floor boards to creak. The conversation inside the owlery ceased immediately. Her heart leapt into her throat and she began to panic, looking desperately for a place to hide. The problem was, there just wasn't anywhere to hide. The staircase lead to a small landing outside the owlery door and that was all. The only place to go was back down the stairs, but they were too long. Added to that, she didn't know any kind of charm of spell that could conceal her, and so that's why, moments later, she came to face to face with none other than Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy.
She was glued to the spot and her heart was pounding. She could see the contempt and suspicion in their eyes and wanted to run. Malfoy sneered and Snape just glared.
"Ah, Darwin Moore." Malfoy stated, barely concealing his disgust.
"Born in Canada," He said it like it was a bad thing. "The daughter of Ronald and Marie Moore. Muggles." Snape rambled off, as of he had it memorized.
Darwin was momentarily at a loss for words. How on earth did Snape, of all people, know that?
"Well, better Canada then America." She sputtered. "Besides, how do you know that?" She demanded.
"None of your business, Mudblood." Snape growled.
"Mudblood?!" She spat furiously. She was indignant.
"You heard me. You don't deserve to-" At that moment he took a menacing step forward, only to be stopped in his tracks by Malfoy, who placed an arm between them.
"Now, now, Severus. None of that, if you please. She can't help her pitiful lineage." Malfoy's lips curled into another sneer. He gave Darwin the once over and stated simply "What a pity." After that, he began to walk away, his head held high. Snape reluctantly followed, still glaring at Darwin.
Darwin stayed where she was for a few moments longer. She was furious and frightened at the same time. Something was about to go down, and she was worried. The only problem was, she had no proof and she knew, just knew, that if she told anyone what she had heard, no one would believe her. No one would want to believe her. She hated to admit it, but she was coming to believe that Snape and Malfoy were being drastically underestimated. It was just something about the way they acted, the way they spoke, that made her think they were capable of terrible things. They were born and bred in their beliefs and ways and would only continue to rot from the inside out at they grew older.
Despite being quite shaken, she managed to scrawl a quick note to her mother, wishing her a happy Christmas and telling her of her plans. Since she didn't have her own owl, she just used one of the school's owls to send her letter. As soon as the bird took flight, she made her way quickly back to the Gryffindor common room, praying there would be no more confrontations.
She reached the common room without incident and found it strangely empty. Not even James, who seemed to hate, above all else, being alone for more then a minute, was around. The only sounds were the crackling of the fire and wind rushing past the windows. She decided to call it a night and climbed the stairs to her dormitory. There, she found Holly, Heather and Rosemary, getting ready for bed and engaging in the usual girly gossip and giggling. Lily was strangely absent, however.
"Where's Lily?" Darwin asked as she ruffled through a pile of clothes next to her bed to find her pajamas.
"She's gone off, with James, no doubt to snog." Heather told her with a giggle. "They make such a cute couple." She said in a sing-song voice.
"Huh. I see." Darwin replied, already disinterested.
"So, how's the hubby?" Rosemary asked coyly jumping onto Darwin's bed and propping her head on her hands.
"You mean Remus?" She asked, wanting to go to the washroom to change, but feeling obligated to answer her friends' silly questions.
"Mmmhmm. He's so dreamy!" She sighed, and all three of them erupted into a fit of giggles.
"He's grand." She said simply. There was a slight pause and she thought she had time to escape, but half way across the room, she was stopped again.
"So, tell us, is he a good kisser?" Holly asked matter-of-factly from her place by the mirror, brushing her hair. Truth be told, Darwin was rather uncomfortable discussing things like this and could feel her self becoming annoyed and embarrassed.
"I, uh, well-" She stuttered.
"Ohhh, so he's left you speechless then? He must be great." Rosemary chimed in, followed by another laugh.
"I suppose." Darwin said simply, a small smile on her lips. She suddenly wanted to be off with Remus, making like James and Lily.
"So, how long before you sleep with him?"This was from Holly, her tone still very matter-of-fact. Now for Darwin, this was just going to far. She had hardly toyed with the idea herself, and she definitely wasn't ready to discuss it with anyone else, not even Remus.
"Okay, okay, that's enough for now." Darwin said quickly, turning on her heel and heading for the washroom.
"Oh ho ho! Maybe she already has!" Holly called, giving a loud laugh. "I bet he's a real tiger. It's always the shy, quiet ones!"
"Yeah, and she's probably a screamer!" Called Rosemary.
"No way! More like a scratcher! Remus's back is probably a mess!" Exclaimed Heather.
"Oh Remus! Remus! Faster! Harder! Oh! OH!" Holly moaned, mocking an orgasm. The three of them were in absolute hysterics now.
"I hate you all!" Called Darwin, not really meaning it. She changed quickly and then jumped straight into bed, but was not spared a few more calls about Remus.
"Psst. Darwin! Are your sheets cold? Would you like us to fetch Remus to warm them up?" Rosemary whispered as they all lay in bed, the room dark.
"That's quite alright." Darwin replied.
"Have you gone to see Madam Pompfrey yet? To have that special chat and get that special potion?" Holly sniggered.
"No. Not yet." Darwin said sarcastically.
"So, how big are the family jewels?" Someone asked. It might have been Holly again, but she wasn't sure. The person was trying so hard not to laugh, their voice came out quite warped.
"Okay, that's just enough. Good night girls." Darwin said with as much finality as she could muster.
"Oh alright. Goodnight then."
Thankfully, she was able to fall asleep not long after.
The next morning it was the same routine as usual, only that even though Darwin was awake before everyone else, she didn't get out of bed and get ready until after they had all left. She knew she should be getting up, but it was just one of those mornings. She just didn't want to get out of bed.
By the time she had finally made her way to the Great Hall, she found her friends there, all in various states of wakefulness. James seemed to be the worst off. His hair was doing this funny sort of flip and he only seemed able to keep one eye open. If she knew better, she might've said he looked hung over, but she didn't.
Just as she was taking her seat, the Hall was flooded with owls carrying the students' mail. Not surprisingly, she had received a reply from her mother. The note said simply that it was perfectly alright for her to spend the holiday with Remus and to have fun.
At this, Darwin looked around to find Remus and tell him the good news, only to find him strangely absent.
"Where's-" She began, but stopped to clear her throat. "Where's Remus she asked?"
At first, no one answered. Lily shrugged her shoulders and continued to read her mail. As for James and Peter, a strange, furtive look passed between them, but they said nothing. In the case of Sirius, he refused to even acknowledge Darwin.
"Uh, lads? Where's Remus?" Darwin asked again.
Peter glanced at James through the corner of his eye.
"We're not sure. He must be around, though." Peter said in the most unconvincing voice Darwin had ever heard.
"Yeah, I saw him this morning." James broke in, giving an emphatic nod of his head.
"Why isn't he at breakfast?" She asked. This was just unlike him. Remus was the sort of person who enjoyed routine and familiarity and it didn't seem like a thing he would do. He was very devoted to her and he always made sure they saw each other in the morning before classes began, just in case their schedules didn't cross that day. That, and he really seemed to enjoy a nice early-in-the-morning snog.
"I wouldn't worry about it. He'll turn up." James said very quickly, completely avoiding eye contact.
Darwin took a moment to consider. They were hiding something from her, there was no mistaking it.
"What do you mean, turn up? He should be here. He's always here. You four are practically attached at the hip." She said, slightly accusingly.
"Darwin, love, just calm down." Lily broke in. Darwin barely heard her.
"Look, Darwin, we really don't know where he is." Peter told her, trying to sound honest.
"Oh, please. What are you two hiding from me? What, is he off with some other girl?" She asked. She didn't really think this was it, but hoped the ridiculousness of it would force them to tell her the truth.
But, before either James or Peter could reply, Sirius spoke up.
"Better that then where he really is." His voice was absolutely dripping with contempt.
Darwin just shot him a cold look. She did not want to deal with him right now. She stood to leave, without having eaten any breakfast.
"Fine, if you won't tell me where he is, I'll be off." She said rather stiffly and turned to leave. As she was leaving, she passed the Slytherin table and caught Lucius Malfoy's eye. His eyes narrowed and a cruel looking smirk appeared on his face. Darwin quickly looked away and began to prepare herself for another long, academic day.
A/N: I just *had* to put the 50 Cent line in. I'm not really a fan, I just love that line. Anyway, hurray for a hundred reviews! And I can still remember, back in the day, when I didn't have any and I was convinced that no one was reading this. Wow, this was a pretty quick update, eh? Especially by my usual standards ^_^. I think I've finally got a good idea of where this is going. Finally. Some more angst and Death Eaters coming up soon to be sure. Oh, and of course, Remus love! Yay! That's it for now, bye bye.