Author's Notes: Okay, okay...That wasn't the best one I ever wrote. Though I liked the bit about Kain staring at Umah like she'd just hatched a monkey...But that's just me. I guess it would have been better if I'd used a song other than "Hope of Deliverance" since a majority of the population hasn't heard it. Oh well. With luck, this one will be better!
Anyhow, reviews! Yay! (I like reviews...Yay people who review me! When I take over the world, I'll see to it you all get to own your own small country.)
Smoke: Ask, and ye shall receive. :-) Man, you're one of my more faithful reviewers, too...YOU ROCK! (bows down) I feel a bit guilt though...Seems sort of wrong to feel bad for Umah.
Tom T. Thomson: Yeah, decided it hated me, too...I'm scared to leave reviews now. I'm afraid will attack me if I do. (lol) Thanks a lot! Again, I feel bad for making others feel bad for Umah...Well, sorta.
Syvia: Review 1: Wow! I got hugged! (sniff) I'm so special...They even gave me my own bus. Anyway, I imagine if Silicon Knights could pump out an extra Moebius, Crystal Dynamics can come up with a spare Umah. In fact, I bet they make lots of spares for all the bit characters, just in case... Review 2: Thanks! Yes, Raziel does have a rather distinct mean streak in him...And then you compare him to Kain, and think "Crap, this guy's a puppy compared to him!" Hehe...You can thank Michael Bell for Razielia. I just took his outtake to this next level—character creation! (insert evil Tomlette laugh here). Review 3: Thank you!!! Yes, I totally agree that Razielia deserves her own series. You guys keep supporting my fics, and in time you can keep an eye out for "Legacy of Koein: Drag Reaver" (scary, huh?). Review 4: Yeah. He did. And yeah. Kain looked like Mario. So, really...they were both right. Review 5: Mel Brooks rules. End of story. Unless he's in Nosgoth. But he's not. So he rules. Yeah, when I did research for that chapter and discovered Dennis Dyack's name, that was the very first thing that came to my mind—So naturally, I put it in. A true parody is no-holds barred, after all... Review 6: Eek, this is a long answer. Yeah, I figured that was all he was really spazing about in the game—he'd probably leave you alone if you didn't have to break the windows to kill him! And once again, I must finish THIS fic before I can start another...So, the more support and reviews I have, the faster I'll (likely) go, the sooner I can move on to other ways to demolish the series. ;-)
Semdai: Glad you enjoyed it! Uh, but don't fall out of your chair...That might prove painful. Not sure, but I have this suspicion that it might be, on an outside chance...
And now, I present to you're the 7th (oo, lucky number!) installment of...
Why Video Game Characters Aren't Allowed to Add-lib 7
Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver 2: Raziel and Janos Audron
At last. At long last, he'd done it. After all the twists, all the turns, all the deception, Raziel now stood before the doors that would lead him to Janos Audron—the Ancient vampire which alone seemed to have the answers Raziel sought. Would he, at last, be told of the part he was expected to play out in this epic game? Would he, at last, have explained why the Reaver seemed to haunt him?
"Oh my GAWD! Is that really red oak?! Wow, that is just so awesome!"
Would he, at last, be able to ditch this Drag Reaver before she/he drove him insane??
"Razielia, would you please shut up?" Raziel turned and looked at the transsexual version of himself. She was admiring the large doors that opened into the room before them with wide, white eyes. She was clad in what she claimed to be her "normal" attire—a white and multi-shaded blue, tattered dress with matching gloves and shoes, with a silver tiara and blue and white Reaver which she could summon at will, as he did his. She claimed to be Razielia the Drag Reaver from another realm of reality where Nosgoth vampires tended have many more, uh, homosexual tendencies among other things. She'd also been his shadow ever since he'd discovered her at the Pillars of Nosgoth some 600 into the future.
"Oh, sorry, Raz-man," Razielia jumped backwards and gave Raziel a clear path to the door. "I promise I'll be quiet now. Really."
Raziel sighed. "Razielia, you promised that two puzzles ago," he said, "As well as four or five demons before that...And then there was that time when you swore on your Mother's grave you'd stay out of my hair when you caught up with me after I ran from you at the Pillars." Raziel considered. "And don't call me Raz-man."
"I know, I know!" Razielia looked down shamefully, "But..I...I...I mean this time...really..." She used her scuffed pumps to draw lines on the rock ledge. "Please don't send me away, Raziel...I have no place else to go..." She glanced up at him, and though her eyes were the same as his--basically big balls of white light--she still managed to get her point across to Raziel: ditch me, and I'll send you on the guilt trip of your life, unlife, and death.
He sighed and crossed his arms. "Okay," he mumbled, and Razielia almost instantly perked up. But before she could get too enthusiastic, he held out one clawed hand at her in attempt to keep her calm. "However, I want you to stay behind me, stay in the shadows and, for whatever god you choose sake, be quiet. Do all those things, and we might actually get this shot with no problems, and I won't tell Amy that you're still following me around. Deal?"
Razielia nodded vigorously. "Deal!" she exclaimed, "I'll stay out of the way, in the shadows, and I'll be quiet."
"That means no waving your Reaver around," Raziel reminded her, "And that definitely means no cheers."
"No Reaver waving, and no cheers," Razielia nodded again, "Got it."
Raziel sighed and nodded. "Okay, so long as you've got it," he said. He had a sneaking suspicion that this would probably end up being a bad idea, but at the moment, what else could he do? Other than contact Amy Henning, of course, but it could take hours before she could do anything about Razielia. "Ready?"
"Ready," the Drag Reaver said, and gestured toward the door. "Straight soul-devouring wraiths first."
Raziel nodded and opened the door, unsure what to expect. Was Janos the demon that the Sarafan believed him to be? Or was he one of the angelic creatures depicted in the murals left behind from ancient times? Curiosity alone, not to mention the other emotions that had been over whelming him these past days, burned through him like fire as he opened the door and beheld what lay beyond.
The room was large, made of what appeared to be stone such as marble and granite. At the far side there appeared to be a basin filled with blood, as a mortal's basin may have been filled with water. But what really attracted Raziel's attention was the silhouette against the winter light that filtered in through the balcony door. He was blue skinned with raven black hair, like Raziel himself, with great black-feathered wings on his back and a white vest made specifically to keep out of the way of the wings while in flight. Even then, he could tell that whatever this creature was, it was surely no demon.
"Janos...Audron?" Raziel asked causiously. Many hard lessons had taught him, long ago, that things were not always as they appeared, and so it seemed safer to confirm Raziel's suspicion first.
The figure slowly turned at the sound of Raziel's voice, revealing a fair face that, save for the fanged teeth and cat-like yellow eyes, could almost--almost--pass as an angel.
"It is heartening," Janos began, "after all these years, to hear my name spoken without contempt."
Now, as they both beheld each other fully for the first time, Raziel realized something else--Janos had been expecting him, and was horrified by what he saw. Raziel glanced downward slightly. Though his current form was not his fault, he still could not help but, at times, be ashamed of it, or recent it.
"Raziel??" Janos asked, seemingly in shock, "My child, what have they--"
"Yani!!!" came a loud, girlish shriek from behind Raziel. His eyes widened suddenly as he realized what it was, and as a certain Drag Reaver bolted past him towards Janos.
"Razielia, NO!" Raziel yelled, and lunged for her. Unfortunately, she already had too much of a head start, and so he missed and hit the hard rock floor, rather unceremoniously if he did say so himself. Razielia, meanwhile, made a leap of her own at Janos--not to attack him, however, but to hug him as one may guess by her out stretched arms. Janos, having been completely unprepared for anyone besides Raziel being there, and having read NOTHING in the script that mentioned blue wraiths in drag jumping on him, only managed to stumble backwards a few feet with his arms up like a shield. This caused him to slip on the slick floor, however, and go tumbling backwards onto the balcony as Razielia pounced hum, where he, too, hit the floor. Thanks to the added weight of Razielia, his head hit the surface with a rather sickening "thud" and, upon impact, knocked Janos Audron unconscious.
Raziel's eyes widened in horror, and he got up as quickly as he could to check on Janos. Razielia made a tiny, frightened squeak as she got up, and pressed herself up against the wall as Raziel looked the Ancient over. Janos had a rather nasty bump on the back of his head, and had yet to regain consciousness. Raziel, at the moment more concerned with getting Janos functional again rather than tearing Razielia limb-from-limb, began to gently shake him.
"Come on, Janos...Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey..."
"Murrrrugh," was Janos's only reply.
Raziel stared down at him. "You broke him," he said, sounding bewildered. He looked from Janos, then up to Razielia, who was still staring at what she had done. "You broke him. You broke Janos Audron."
"Well...I...um...," Razielia made a noise similar to a gulp, "See, he...he looks a lot like someone I...I knew from my home...Named...Y-Yani Audron..."
"Yani...?" Raziel blinked, "What the hell kind of vampire has a name like...Never mind, don't answer that, I don't want to know." He sighed and looked down at Janos, who groaned again in response. "The oldest living vampire in all the world and happens to be the only individual in all of time who can tell me what part I play in this God-forsaken series...And you broke him."
"I was trying to give him a hug!" Razielia cried defensively. "I didn't mean to hurt him! I was an accident!"
"That never would have happened if you'd just done what I said!" Raziel spun on her and summoned the Reaver. Though the Drag Reaver had a weapon of her own she could summon, it had been in his experience that Razielia didn't like violence, and so when she made another small squeak and quivered, he wasn't surprised.
"Now...Now, Razi, don't...over react or do anything rash...," she mumbled.
Raziel sighed and sat up, the wraith blade disappearing as he did so. He disliked admitting he was wrong, but what he really hated was admitting that she/he/it was right. So instead of doing so, he glanced at Janos again and shook his head.
"Well, there's nothing to help it," he said, "I've gotta call Amy about this. She's more than likely going to have to boot you. Sorry, Razielia."
She gave a loud gasp. "Oh, PLEASE, no!" she shrieked. She finally stopped cowering, only to jump in front of Raziel and start groveling. "Please, please, please don't tell the director lady I'm here! PLEASE! I'll do anything! I'll shine your claws, clean your tabard, and scrub your wings! Anything! Just don't let her send me away!"
Raziel tried not to show what great satisfaction he was taking from this. "Sorry, Razielia, but I have to. Janos is out cold...And if the script goes as planed, the Sarafan will be busting in here soon to kill him, and we can't have that. You shouldn't have broke him in the first place. Too bad, so sad."
Razielia whimpered, but stood up. Raziel watched as her attire changed from the cool colors of her Winter outfit, to the warm colors of her Summer outfit, supposedly thanks to her current mood. The clothing itself, Raziel noted, never actually changed--just the color scheme and, more than likely, her version of the Reaver.
"Well," she whimpered, then sniffed, "If...if that's what you have...have to do..." She sniffed again and looked towards the balcony. "Then...I guess...you...gotta do it..."
Raziel watched his transsexual double and considered his options. He could, of course, just hit her with a telekinetic blast and knock her off the balcony, which would hopefully deal away with her forever, and then try to wake Janos himself. He could also contact Amy Henning, have her put the game on hold while Janos was revived and Razielia escorted out of Nosgoth all together. Or, he could forgive Razielia, and then together they could work to revive Janos. True, she was annoying, and talked a lot, and gave him all these horrible nick names that he'd just as soon take a beating than be called, but there was one fact he could not deny: she was him. Though their personalities and preferences differed, they were, in essence, the same person, who had suffered the same betrayals and obstacles as he had. Had she, too, not had the wings torn from her back? Did she not survive off the souls of the dead as he did? Didn't these things somehow, in spirit, make them kindred?
In the end, Raziel knew there was only one way to choose. "Razielia..."
The Drag Reaver sniffed and turned. "Yeah...?" she said pathetically.
Raziel summed the Reaver, and raised his right arm as though the wraith blade were a gun. "Catch." The blast shot forth from the Reaver's end and made perfect contact with Razielia's shoulder, hitting her hard enough to send her over the edge of the balcony, screaming as she fell. Raziel mentally smirked. He may not have been able to deny being related to the morons that claimed to be his brothers or to Kain, but like hell was he going to claim relation to his doppelganger.
Suddenly, there were a few more groans from Janos. Raziel looked down and banished the Reaver to the Spectral Realm before kneeling down next to him. "Janos?" he asked, "Janos, are you alright? Speak to me..."
Slowly, Janos opened his eyes and looked around. For a moment, he seemed unsure of his surroundings, at least until he saw Raziel good for the first time. When he did, he smiled slightly and said, with a completely straight face... "What kind of silly piñata are you, Mister Man?"
"Oh, hell..."
Raziel grumbled as he tried to help Janos to his feet. Great, he thought, just great. I think that by ditching Razielia, I may have jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire. Oh well...Hopefully, this is nothing a good rinse with blood can't cure.
"Hey, Mister Man," Janos said in a small, child like voice as Raziel helped him to the basin of blood, "What are we doing?"
"Getting you fixed up," Raziel said in a soft, comforting voice, even though he was already despising the name of "Mister Man". Wouldn't have been so bad had he at least been a man.... "You'll be just fine...Now, tell me, do you remember your name?"
Janos thought for a minute on the subject, and continued to think as he and Raziel stopped in front of the basin. At length, he looked at Raziel. "I think so," he said, "Isn't my name Odo and I can, like, change into different stuff and have, like, no personality?"
Raziel wished he could blink repeatedly as he thought about that. "Um, well," he said, "That wasn't exactly the answer I was expecting...But you're in the right ball park." He gestured to the basin. "Now stick your head in that, and tell me if you feel any better when you come back up."
"Okay!" Janos agreed happily, and without hesitation stuck his head completely under the blood. He stayed there for a few minutes while Raziel hunted down a towel for him. When Janos came up, Raziel handed him the towel to dry his face and hair off with.
"Feel any better?" Raziel asked.
"Oh, yeah," Janos agreed, now sounding much more mature, "Much better...In fact, I think I'm starting to remember some stuff now..."
"Great!" Raziel exclaimed. Maybe he could get his information now after all. "How much?"
"Well...something about a Reaver," Janos began, "And a lot of stuff about prophecies...and..." He paused, and glanced at Raziel.
"And?" Raziel urged, "And what?"
"Something like..." Janos then took a deep breath and sang, "Did you ever know that you're my heeerrrroooo?"
Raziel's eyes narrowed dangerously, and before he could stop himself he'd shoved Janos's head back under the blood. Rather or not Janos would (or could) have drown there is a mystery we may never have the answer to, for at that very moment the sound of heavily armored soldiers coming towards the room filled the air, and Raziel was forced to let Janos up. He turned just in time to see none other than the six Sarafan Inquisitors burst through the door. Their leader was chiseled, with raven black hair and brown eyes, features all too familiar to Raziel, and a cruel looking weapon strapped to his arm. The other five also had a familiar feel to them, and even if he hadn't read the script already, the fact that one of them bore Moebius' staff was proof enough of their purpose. Raziel was positive that the other five were his future vampiric brothers.
However, this was not a time for scripts, and Raziel calmly got between Janos and the Sarafan. "Okay, there's obviously been a miscommunication here," he said, "We can't do this part yet, guys, Janos isn't exactly at top performing condition at the moment."
The leader, none other than Raziel's former Sarafan self, gave both vampire and wraith a strange look. "Um, well, exactly how good of condition does he have to be in to die?" the Sarafan Raziel asked, "And besides, the director didn't say anything to us about the vampire being out of commission..."
"Well, that would be because I, uh, hadn't gotten around to telling her yet," Wraith Raziel assured them, "My fault, I admit...But I promise you, you can't kill him yet because we haven't had a chance to do the rest of the scene first."
The Sarafan all grumbled. Then Zephon said, "Well, why don't we just kill him now, and let the company make another one to do for your stuff later?" The others all mumbled in agreement, and a few nodded.
But wraith Raziel shook his head. "No, no," he said, "Because in order for you to be able to kill him, I have to be coming from the Fire Forge, which I can only reach via teleportation by Janos." He shrugged. "If you don't believe me, look it up."
The six Sarafan looked at each other, then began taking their copies of the script out from under their armor. "Give us just one minute," Sarafan Raziel said, then they all turned and huddled together, being sure that all their backs were to Raziel and Janos.
"Take your time," Raziel the Soul Reaver said with a wave of his clawed hand. Janos tapped him on the shoulder, so he turned to look at the Ancient, who was still dripping in blood.
"Are we Smurfs?" he asked curiously. Raziel shook his head.
"Nope, sorry," he replied, "Ever seen a Smurf with wings before?"
"Wings...?" Janos asked, and then scratched his side. "But I don't have..." He suddenly saw the ends of his black wings out of the corner of his eye and gasped. "Woah, DUDE! I have wings!!"
"Yes, Janos," Raziel said with a sigh, "You have wings. Good for you."
"My name's Janos?" the older vampire said, then frowned, "Does that mean I'm Mexican?"
"No, it means you're old as dirt," Raziel replied. He glanced over at the Sarafan's huddle. They were still deeply immersed in discussions. Melchiah even peaked over the others backs just long enough to see wraith Raziel and Janos were still there, then went back to talking. Wraith Raziel sighed and looked back to Janos. "You also have fangs...Tell me, Janos, what kind of creature has fangs?"
"Um," Janos looked up and scratched his neck, "Bats?"
"You're close...Keep guessing," Raziel urged.
"Uh," Janos glanced around, "Bats as old as dirt named Odo?"
"Your name is Janos."
"Oh, right, I knew that," Janos nodded vigorously, "Bats as old as dirt named Janos then."
"You're getting closer," Raziel said encouragingly, "Come on, try again..."
Janos thought about it for a really long time this time, and at length announced to the entire aerie, "I'm an old as dirt Smurf-bat!!!"
Raziel groaned and rather than acknowledge the poor, deranged Ancient's comment, he turned to look at the huddle again. "Finished yet?"
"Yep," Sarafan Raziel said. He turned to face his future self while the others tucked their scripts away. "And we decided that we came here to kill a vampire, and unless the director herself stops us, that's what we're going to do."
"Yeah," Turel agreed, then held up the staff, "You don't know hard it was to carry this thing up here, so like hell are we gonna do it again."
The wraith Raziel grumbled, then turned his back to the Sarafan so he could point to Janos. "But look at him!" he cried, "I mean, just look! He's mentally lost, confused, covered in blood...there would be absolutely no pleasure to be found in killing him like that, I promise you." Raziel continued to gesture at Janos until he noticed something moving by the balcony. He strained his eyes in order to make out a dark blue hand with three great claws on it, black hair and...a tiara?
For the first time in his life (death?) as a soul-devouring wraith, Raziel screamed in horror. He then jumped behind the Sarafan to hide. "Kill it!! Kill it!!" he yelled, pointing to what surely had to have been Razielia climbing her way back up.
The Sarafan, however, looked at what they thought was a vampire with an eating disorder, to each other, and then to Janos, who was humming and bopping his head along with the tune. "Okay," they said in unison, and simultaneously jumped the Ancient vampire.
"Hey!" Janos yelled as Turel activated Moebius' staff and Dumah, Rahab, Zephon, and Melchiah restrained him. "This isn't very Smurfy!!"
"Oh, shut up," Raziel's Sarafan self said, and then brought the cruel blade down into Janos' chest. Janos screamed in agony.
The wraith Raziel, however, was jumping up and down and pointing at the balcony, which he could now see Razielia's head emerging from below as she pulled herself up. "Not him, you dimwits! Her! Him! It! Kill it!!!"
Janos screamed again as his heart was torn from his chest. The Sarafan, having always been creatures of order, then began to recite their lines.
"Look at its black heart!" Turel dutifully declared, "How it still beats!"
Then, as if on cue (and it probably was) the retreat began to cave in.
"The fiend intends to bury us alive!" Dumah yelled, just as he had in rehearsal, "Raziel, we must get out of here!"
"Screw you guys!" the wraith version of Dumah's leader yelled, "I'll get her myself!" He then ran over to the balcony and began to step on her hands. She yelped and shrieked with each stomp, but refused to let go.
"Remember the sword!" the Sarafan Raziel yelled. Dumah then ran over to an ornate case and, upon opening it up, he discovered the Reaver hidden away inside. He pulled it out and, even as the aerie fell around them, called to his fellow Sarafan.
"Hey, guys, look!" he said, then put the Reaver on his head. "It can be a hat!" He then placed it on his chest as though it were some sort of decoration. "Or a broach!" He then pulled it away and began bopping it up and down in the air as though it had wings. "Or a pterodactyl!"
"DUMAH!!!" five voices yelled (there was a sixth voice mingled in with it, but it was yelling "Fall, damn you!" and so didn't mesh as well as the others did, not to mention Janos' dying gurgles in the background).
"Right, sorry!" Dumah apologized. Sword and heart in hand, the Sarafan all fled the collapsing aerie just as it gave another tremble. The shake broke off the piece of the balcony that Raziel and Razielia were on, causing both to plummet to the ground. Razielia was lucky in that she landed on her posterior, but Raziel was not in that he landed on his head, and the piece of balcony landed on him.
"Razi!" Razielia shrieked. She got up, then ran over and removed the large piece of stone. Raziel groaned. Razielia, fearing the worse (whatever that may be for a wraith), kneeled down beside him. "Razi! Razi, speak to me please!"
Raziel looked at Razielia, then at the collapsed aerie as he replayed the entire scene through his head. He knew that the director likely already knew what had happened, and was working hard on the damage control. He also knew who would get the blame for the situation, which made him groan again.
"Razi, say something!" Razielia pleaded.
"If I weren't dead already, Amy would kill me," was the only thing Raziel could think of to say.