Disclaimer: Not mine, never has been, never will be.
A/N: Don't know what to say, just that I'm going through N/S withdrawal once again.
Pairing: N/S, well kind off.
Living
The cold air brushes against my skin. It chills me to the bone. It's late and I'm watching the city which is never asleep. A city I have come to hate and love at the same time. It is so similar to me in more ways I like to admit.
I have no death wish. It is the truth, but I often wonder why I'm still here. My life could have ended so many times and even when I'm telling the truth when I say I do not have a death wish I wouldn't really mind if it had ended one of the times it could have.
I'm not scared to die. It cannot be as bad as being alive is sometimes.
If someone would know my thoughts at this moment, they would pull me away from the edge of the rooftop which is temptingly staring at me, but I didn't lie I do not have a death wish. And I never intended to get hurt today while collecting evidence, or when I drove my car with a blood alcohol level higher than the limit, or when the lab exploded, or when I rushed into the house of a suspect before the police had cleared it, or when I acted as a decoy in one of the cases or back when I was still so young and innocent.........
My life could have ended so many times. When all these events pass through my mind, I realize exactly how many times it could have. I understand why people may think I have a death wish. I do not feel the need to correct them as they do not really care.
When I would be gone they probably would be shocked, maybe just maybe they would be sad and shed a few tears, but nothing more. When I came to Vegas I promised myself this time it would be different. I would let myself get involved with people. I would form relationships. I kept my promise to be reminded once again that reaching out means inflicting pain on yourself.
At first I thought I just had a way of reaching out to the wrong people, people wrong for me. But after being cheated on and after being rejected too many times to count I had to come to the realization that it must be me. I'm just not worthy of the love of others.
Sliding deeper into a world of self pity I have not noticed the person next to me. The person I call my best friend, most likely my soul mate. If I wouldn't be so absorbed in my own world I would have noticed him. He has been the only steady factor in my life. From the day I have come to Vegas to this very moment.
He gently but firmly guides me away from the edge. He doesn't say a thing, no explanations needed, no expectations needing fulfillment. He knows the state of mind I'm in and lets me be. He knows me so well. Sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself.
The irrational thoughts clouding my mind slowly fade away and feel the heat of his presence still surrounding me. I feel I need to tell him, to reassure him and also myself.
"I do not have a death wish."
He simply nods.
He is the reason I do not have a death wish. He makes my life worth living.
END