Before it's too late…

Author: DelphieKat
Rating: PG-13
Classification: Vignette / Drama / Angst
Spoilers: An alternate ending to Hail and Farewell
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, they belong to DPB… No copyright infringement intended.

Summary: What could have happened if Mac had decided not to go to the Admiral's Dining Out after her procedure, because of what the doctor had told her?

Author's Notes: That's a dark story, consider yourself warned. Just from the look on her face when she left the hospital, it was evident something was wrong…

Honestly, I can't judge this story… I can't tell you if it's worth a tissue warning, you'll be the judge… All I can say is that it begged to be written, and when the idea came to my mind, I couldn't stop writing before I typed "FIN" at the end…

Thank you very much to my fantastic beta, Aerogirl. You always do an incredible job, correcting without a complaint my numerous mistakes…

I also want to say a special "Thank you" to all my friends. Because of you, the life is so much brighter, thanks!

2341 ZULU
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

Mac entered the quiet bullpen, both her hands holding tight to her purse and its contents. 'I wish I had better news…' What the doctor had told her kept spinning relentlessly in her head, pricking at her heart a little more deeply every time. Endometriosis may cause permanent infertility. She might never be able to have kids. Might never be able to achieve the only thing that kept her smiling when she woke up in the morning. Never be able to fulfil the deal she had with Harm.

How could she dare hope he would be crazy enough to get closer to her now? The last man that entered her life died less than a week ago. Was there a single man in her life that didn't leave her? Eddie? He died because they were both too drunk. Chris? She killed him. Even though they'd said it was an accident, she'd had her finger on the trigger, so it was her fault. Dalton? He was murdered only because he loved her. Mic? He abandoned her the moment she started expressing doubts about the wedding. Clay? Lost at sea and presumably dead. He had lied to her just because she had asked him to keep in touch. Maybe if she wouldn't have asked for so much, he would have been thinking straight about his mission and he might be alive, but that wasn't the case.

With that history, who would ever want to approach her again? And even if a man wanted to get closer, how could she accept, knowing that every man she loved either died or wished they had, as Harm had said a few years back.

Sitting behind her desk, she grabbed the little bottle that was in her purse. 'Take one caplet before going to bed, as required.' The doctor had asked her if she had experienced any problem sleeping because of pain, and she had prescribed her some narcotics. Mac emptied the container on the desk. Seven caplets. She started toying with them, dragging them with her fingers across the desktop. 'Who would ever notice if I took one too many,' she asked herself, staring into the empty office. Everyone was gone to the admiral's Dining Out and nobody would come in before Monday morning.

Maybe a deep slumber would help her forget everything. Maybe this way, she could go back to the men who loved her, even though they'd made her life miserable. Maybe, just maybe, she would also be able to reunite with them. Well, it couldn't be worse than this. Placing two caplets under her tongue, she gulped them down, ignoring the bottle of water standing on her desk. Leaning back in her chair, she locked her gaze onto the ceiling. There was like a tiny star shining there, some sort of blinking light that captivated her. 'It must be wonderful to be among the stars,' she thought, swallowing two other caplets.

0120 ZULU
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

Still clad in his mess dress, Harm exited the elevator and walked briskly towards the only light still on in the empty bullpen. Mac hadn't showed up at dinner and since she wasn't home, the only other place she could be was the office. Leaning onto Mac's doorframe, he stared at her sleeping form and smiled weakly. 'Losing herself into work until she falls asleep, that's all her,' he thought. Carefully, he stepped next to her and shook her shoulder slightly. "Hey, Marine. You missed the ceremony," he admonished her softly, but she didn't move. Kneeling down by her side, he noticed for the first time the three caplets on her desk and automatically grabbed the nearby bottle to identify them. "Damn it, Mac, wake up," he ordered, his voice strangled by the fear that had risen in his throat. "You can't do this, Mac. You have to wake up," he pleaded with her, shaking her shoulders more vigorously.

"Harm…"

Her voice wasn't louder than a feeble whisper, but for Harm, it was the sweetest melody. "Mac, stay with me," he begged, grabbing the bottle of water and taking off his cummerbund to use it as a damp cloth to wipe her forehead. "Talk to me, Mac. It's no time to sleep."

"I'm… tired…"

Harm counted for the tenth time the caplets on the desk to compare it to the number on the bottle. Four were missing. The doctor had prescribed him the same sleeping pills when he'd crashed in the ocean three years ago. One night that the pain was really unbearable, he had taken two of them and he had slept for over 24 hours. Right now, the only thing that mattered was to keep her awake, to make sure she kept breathing regularly. "Mac, look at me." Realising that she wasn't complying, he quickly unfastened her green jacket to give her some air. "Okay, Jarhead. You'll probably kill me when you come back to your senses for what I'm going to do, but if I don't do it, you may never come back…" he warned her, before emptying the contents of the water bottle over her head.

"Hey…" she complained weakly, faintly trying to push him away. Looking at him through her partly open eyes, she mumbled, "Want to sleep."

Brushing her hair out of her face, his heart broke in two as he observed the defeat in her features. Effortlessly, he slid a hand under her knees and another behind her back and he lifted her from the chair to settle her on the ground. Deciding that the direct approach might be the best to convince her, he grabbed her hand in his. "Mac, it might be very dangerous for your life if you go back to sleep, so stay with me. Please."

"Who cares?"

Her last words floored Harm. What had happened today that made her think nobody cared for her? She was the sun in his life, the only thing that kept him sane during all his missions with the CIA. She was the principal reason, along with Mattie, for him to smile to the day every morning. 'How could she not know that?' he asked himself, but his other inner voice had an answer ready. 'Because you never told her.' Instinctively, he gathered her into his arms. "Oh, Mac…"

She started sobbing, her shoulders shaking with the effort. "Nobody would even care… if I don't show up… on Monday."

Two tear streaks were clearly visible on Harm's cheeks. He rocked her softly to calm her, careful to make sure she was still awake. "I would care, Mac." He kissed her forehead tenderly before continuing. "And so would Bud, Harriet, the admiral, Jen, Sturgis… Should I go on with the people outside the office?" he asked with a weak smile.

They sat like that for long minutes, none of them wanting to interrupt the other's thoughts, but after a while, Harm needed to know something. He had never seen her that low. Even when Dalton died and she relapsed into drinking, she hadn't been that distressed. "Mac, want to tell me what happened?" he asked gently, his hand rubbing her back with soothing movements.

"I can't have children, Harm. That and the fact that all the men who loved me have died or disappeared from my life," she replied bitterly as she disengaged from his embrace. She was still affected by the narcotics and she swayed unsteadily. Harm grabbed her just in time before she hit her head on the nearby filing cabinet.

"Mac, you know that there's someone who will always love you," he began tentatively, uncertain of her reaction on that subject.

"Well, maybe I should wear a signboard saying 'Run for your life' – that way he would understand."

To Harm's great relief, Mac had started fighting the drowsiness, reducing the effects of the drug. If he was able to keep her awake all night, then the danger should be dismissed. "Sarah, a man who loves you would be blind to this warning," he told her in a low voice. "He would place your happiness above his own, being happy for you even if you talk about another man. He would do everything in his power to please you, even though it may put his own life in danger doing so. He would abandon everything without a second thought if he believed you need help. No, Mac. There's no way to turn down someone who loves you." Harm hadn't detached his eyes from her while he spoke. She was now pale as a sheet and her whole body was shaking. Reaching for her jacket, he wrapped it around her still damp shoulders.

Mac shifted to face him, but kept her gaze to the floor. "But the kids, Harm?" she almost cried out, sobbing softly. "What kind of man would love a woman who'll never be able to give him a child?"

"Me." The word was so simple, so easy to pronounce. Without hesitation, he gathered her and settled her on his lap, encircling her upper body with his arms. He stared into her hazy eyes, trying to decipher what they were saying.

Slowly, she lowered her head until it leaned against his chest, just over his heart. Holding onto his hand, she closed her eyes and breathed heavily. "Thank you, Harm. Now I can die peacefully."

Feeling an electric bolt piercing through his whole body, he grabbed her shoulders and shook them with a desperate energy. "You're not gonna die, Mac. There's no way you're going to die tonight." The cold hand of fear was squeezing at his heart as burning tears were tracing their way down his cheeks. The distress he had felt when he had seen her on the torture table in Chaco Boreal was nothing to what he was feeling right now. Driven by a wretched idea, he captured her lips with his in a frantic kiss, hoping to give her a good reason to stay on the right side of the enlightened tunnel. "I need you, Mac," he whispered against her lips, caressing her hair tenderly.

Gasping for air, she opened her eyes for a second. "I don't want to die, Harm," she cried, as she started shivering uncontrollably.

"It's not going to happen, Mac," he replied in between sobs. "I promise." He hadn't made a promise he couldn't keep yet, and he had no intention to fail on this one. Getting on one knee, he slid his hand behind her back, just under her arm, and tried to bring her up to a standing position. Her legs wouldn't support her, so he held her close to him, careful not to bruise her using excessive strength. "Mac, you need to walk," he explained in a strangled voice. "As long as you stay awake, you'll be safe. Let's get some fresh air, okay?"

Nodding slowly, she hooked her arm around his waist while her other arm held onto his hand. With short steps, they reached the parking lot, and Harm guided her toward the nearby park. "Harm," she started hesitantly, tightening her grip on his hand. "I've never really wanted to die… I just wanted to forget everything for a while…"

Bringing her closer to him, he studied her features. The cool air had given her some colour, and she was now able to keep her eyes open more and more as time had gone by. "I know, Mac. Sometimes, when your dearest dreams become unrealisable, you feel like you want to disappear." Staring at his feet, he leaned his forehead on hers and took a shaky breath. "But hopefully, life always has a card up its sleeve… That's why Diane showed up on my doorstep after my rampstrike, and… and that's also why you came to see me for the Imes cases."

When Mac hung her hands around Harm's neck, his instinctive reaction was to wrap his other arm around her waist, pulling her close to him and bury his face in the crook of her neck without a word. Images of those painful moments flickered in his mind, souvenirs he wanted to bury deep down in his memory. But he knew how Mac felt, and he couldn't hide the truth anymore.

"Harm, you never told me that…"

He shrugged. "I never wanted to bother you with my feelings."

Mac stared at him in disbelief, her stronger body gaining some composure. "How could you bother someone who loves you?" she asked him softly, her hands forcing him to face her.

Locking his gaze with hers, he bent his head in her direction, never breaking eye contact, letting his heart shine through his eyes. His earlier words hadn't been enough. He wanted to tell her exactly how he felt for her. "Mac, I…"

She placed her finger on his lips to silence him, nodding in understanding. "I know, Harm. I do too."

Harm kissed her forehead lovingly before gathering her into a strong embrace. Just then, the clouds parted and the moon shone her light over them. After some long minutes, they resumed walking, arm in arm, and they wandered in the park until dawn, when the sunrise drew a new light on their life.

FIN