Failure, miserable stupid horrible failure how could you how could you think you deserved that feel it feel what they've done to you you terrible, terrible thing not a person a thing an it not worthy of regular pronouns either you're hurting everyone or abusing your body with food…
Joe threw his hands over his ears as if to block out his mind, pacing violently from one side of the room to the other, hitting the wall, whirling around, going back across the rug to the other wall, turning again.
I didn't want it isn't that enough for you! Leave me alone, like everyone else has I don't want it I'm scared I'm sorry just stop, stop, stop telling me I'm worthless I know that already they made me they were upset and angry and they made me I don't want to have to go to some shrink, to have some doctor tell me what I already know that I'm fine that everything's fine that I'm healthy, healthier than most he'll say I know why is everyone trying to unravel me, my work, what is wrong with everyone?
The room swayed; Joe leaned against the wall, catching his breath, fighting the dizziness, and suddenly felt a wave of sadness, misery, as if the dizziness was a jolt of reality.
I'm tired. Tired of being dizzy. Tired of being hungry. Tired of fighting.
Frank…
The younger Hardy closed his eyes, remembering the argument with his brother, the warmth of his arm, steadying and firm yet gentle and comforting, the look of desperation in his eyes as he knelt in front of him, the tenderness of his fingers pressing the cool cloth against his temple.
And the anger, the fear, him walking toward the door of the office. His brother turning away.
Joe, trembling, made his way to the mirror, looked himself over. Chest too thick, shoulders too wide, arms too large, legs too thick. Face looked thinner, that was a good sign, but still…
No wonder Frank was mad. No wonder he couldn't stand to be near him, couldn't stand to look at him. Who could look at all this filth?
And there'll be more of you. Feel that, in your stomach? Dinner. Pasta, chicken, fruit, vegetables, milk. All forced on you, but you accepted it, without question! Failure, miserable stupid horrible failure how could you…
Joe slammed his fist against the wall, turned, and went to his door, checking to make sure it was locked, then hurried through his room to the bathroom, locked his side of the door, then Frank's, lifted the lid of the toilet, knelt on the floor, shoved his fingers into the back of his throat, and vomited into the toilet.