Standard disclaimers apply.
CHAPTER EDITED NOV. 24, 2004: With the insight of Aria-Angel.
GUIDING STAR
Chapter Twenty – Behind the Veil
Starfire breathed deeply of the air-conditioned atmosphere in the Info and Rec room and smelt nothing but the piney scent of freshener. There was no coffee and no scent of her Boy Wonder. That was most understandable. She was early. As her talking clock had told her, it was "Six-oh-three a.m."
The chill brought by the cold air did not affect her. Her tolerance for cold was higher than that of an Earthling's, especially since as a Tamaranian, a lot of her physical responses could be influenced by her emotions. Sometimes, it was as common as feeling boundless confidence when she needed to summon her strength, or unbridled joy to summon flight. At other times, it was not a matter of wanting to feel but being compelled to do so, like when she had taken that trip into the future and she had looked upon Bludhaven for the first time. The cold had penetrated to her very bones, not only because it was cold, but because she had felt so alone; so torn from the people she loved. Even the sight of Robin—or Nightwing—as he had called himself, had done little to warm her. He had sounded so distant; strange. He had looked at her as if she was some ghost and for the life of her, the first few minutes talking to him, she could not associate Nightwing immediately with the boy she knew. It was only after she was gazing upon the "old" uniform encased in glass and feeling his hands draping warmth on her shoulder that she began to realize: yes, this was Richard. He was all grown up but inside he was indeed the boy she knew.
When she left the future to go back to her time, Nightwing had looked at her. She couldn't tell what his expression was behind the mask, but she had felt his hands pressing above hers, and his grip was tight. Right then, she felt a pulse of unbelievable sadness; not his—she was not an empath, but hers. It lasted only for a few seconds and she had since then convinced herself that those precious heartbeats meant nothing, for it seemed preposterous—even unacceptable—for a thirty six year old man to be drawn to a fifteen year old girl, at least by Earth standards, but now she felt it did mean something; and for all the romantic notions behind it, she didn't like what it meant. He hadn't wanted her to go, because he had been alone and he didn't want to be alone anymore.
The thought that Richard would ever feel abandoned hurt her terribly and she had sworn that as long as she lived, she would make him feel that he always had someone who wanted him.
Robin was so guarded, so reluctant to show himself to others. She was grateful that he trusted her enough to let down most if not all of those walls, but she was fully aware that it was without prejudice to his right to put those guards up again. With Robin, one could spend an entire year with full access to his inner-workings and then suddenly find ones self shut out completely. She wasn't afraid of that happening between them, though. Robin would probably usher her out every once in a while, but never would that be a permanent arrangement. Not anymore. This time, he had given her a key of sorts. She would always have access. It would be up to her to respect his privacy when he wanted it.
Starfire took a moment to tune her senses to the large room. Standing on the platform, it was common for her to feel the wideness of space; with nothing but the roof and walls as obstacles. It was only when she directed her proprioception downward that she encountered objects; object she knew by memory; the dining table, the kitchen counter, the large couch…
As the landscape formed in her mind, she added the windows and the view of the city. There would be sunlight and there wouldn't be a cloud in the sky, regardless of the weather reports of that day. She never bothered with such details of how it actually was outside unless it was relevant; like when she had to attend class and there was the possibility of rain. She certainly couldn't imagine a sunny day when she was being soaked to the skin; she would need an umbrella to even come close.
It was odd how her condition had ceased to be about nothing and "not seeing". She was of course most aware of the fact that she was blind. She would have to be insane to think otherwise, but in a lot of other ways she could see and her mind's eye had never been clearer. Her reconstructed world was mostly bright and shiny, marred only by the occasional stormy weather; like being troubled about Slade, or having a fight with Robin. Other than that, it was easy to make things picturesque without having to delude herself. And having lost her eyesight, she became aware of how her other four senses painted even more vivid pictures, perfectly imperfect, beautiful for all its flaws. Sometimes she even thought that her sense of reality had been more distorted when her eyes could see and it was only now, free from the preconceived notions brought by vision that she could look upon things more for what they were, and not necessarily for what they looked like.
Starfire walked the platform and made her way down. There was a time when she consciously had to count her steps, measure her gait, feel around too much with her walking cane to even make the short trip from one end of her room to the other, but much of that had changed. By rote, she had mastered the dimensions of several tower haunts. She had a firm grasp of her gait and she could adjust it accordingly, almost algorithmically.
It had been tough at the beginning, but her transition had been quicker than what was expected of Earthlings; this she understood from her interactions with others like her; from her professors and even from the titans. A lot of times, she was made aware of how different she was by the surprise she generated from everyone around her over something she considered so matter-of-fact, but it was only through Robin she learned how different didn't necessarily mean unacceptable, and that surprise didn't necessarily translate to repulsion.
Richard would be along a bit after six thirtyShe smiled at the thought. The anticipation of being with Robin always gave her a kind of thrill. Having him suddenly there when she had expected him to be somewhere else was the nicest feeling in the world. It was especially nice when he tried to be affectionate to her in subtle ways when the others were around. She knew he was doing it for her, because he was certainly the kind of person who believed there was a time and place for everything; that work and play couldn't be mixed. When he decided to do research, he put everything else aside in his mind and worked. In the same manner, if he had made plans to be with her at an appointed time, he would close his business with the books and computers, leave his work station and devote his attentions to her and her alone. Perhaps it explained how amorous he was when he decided to be.
Naturally, at the beginning, she wasn't sure how passionate Robin could be, taking it from his seemingly detached and precise approach to the Titans. She had been willing to put up with restrained caresses and pert, practical kisses, so she had been completely unprepared for his undeniably steamy, almost possessive kissing and touching. His lips, tongue and hands certainly had the power to scatter her thoughts to the wind, leaving her bare for him to do with as he pleased. It was only lately that she realized how his focus and intensity for work also translated to his focus and intensity for loving; that and the more subtle psyche of how his life was also built around the perfection of his physical self.
All his life, it had been about strength, speed, agility, catch, hit, hold. As a child he had been an acrobat, as a teen he was a master of martial arts, as a leader, he protected them all. Purely human, with no meta-powers whatsoever, he had, up to this point, used his body to fight. Now that he was using it to love, he probably didn't consider it all that differently. He would kiss her and then kick the bad guy; he would hurtle from off the edge of a building and then hold her in his arms. Physicality defined things for him. All he had to do next was embrace it in its entirety, with her.
She would let him, if he wanted to. She would be most willing, if he let himself, but for some reason he wouldn't. For some reason, he held back. She knew it wasn't because of something she was doing wrong. She had certainly felt how much he wanted her in that way, particularly in his nether regions. No, he had his own reasons; it wasn't about her. She was willing to wait. There was no hurry.
Starfire felt around for the coffee pot and gingerly washed it in the sink with soap and water. She felt the suds coating her fingers and then popping, tickling the backs of her hands. She smiled. She made sure the soap was all rinsed out before placing the pot back in its carriage on the coffeemaker. Next she gingerly felt around for a cup. After making sure she had the right one, she used the cup to measure water, filling it to the brim before dumping its contents into the coffeemaker's water-tank. She did this several times before she swung the water-tank's lid shut. The measurements, she knew, weren't as exact as it used to be when she had the benefit of following the embossed grids along the tank, but she found that using a cup to measure instead of lines worked just as well if she adjusted the proportions of the coffee. She felt around for the can of coffee. She found one that may be it. She lifted the flexible plastic lid and sniffed. It was ice-tea mix. She giggled at the thought of putting ice-tea mix instead of coffee.
Robin wouldn't complain, but he certainly held his coffee sacred. She groped around again, found another can and this time, when she sniffed, she smelled the delicious, robust scent of coffee. The filters were much easier to look for. The texture of the paper used for coffee-making was distinct. She assembled the materials and ingredients, made sure that the machine was plugged, checked if everything was in place and then flipped the switch.
She grinned broadly. It took her a while to master coffee making in her condition. She did have mishaps with the iced tea, and when she learned from that, she would discover that she had used too much water, so she made adjustments to the brew; and then when she had the proportions down pat, she would discover that the coffee maker was un-plugged, sitting there in the last fifteen minutes not making coffee. And then just when she thought she had everything set, her last mishaps was that she had switched the machine off instead of on. Now she had it all figured out. In the last week, she had made perfectly brewed coffee.
It was funny how she had come so far in other, more important things and be delighted by something as mundane as brewing coffee.
But perhaps that was what appealed to her sense of accomplishment; the mundanity of it.
Leaning over the counter, she listened for the coffee to brew before her thoughts drifted to the past.
It had been two weeks since they discovered Slade in Wat Buddhadharma. It was the Federal Bureau of Investigation agents who took him. The cops came as well, and many of them grumbled when faced with the reality that they wouldn't be seeing Slade from then on. Rose had been treated fairly. Under law, she was exempt from the crime of harboring a suspected felon because Slade was her father. Of course, her lawyers would have to see to her welfare on the matter, but there wasn't much to worry about with her, except maybe her growing up and resenting the Titans for taking her father away from her. However, it was entirely possible that they didn't have to worry about her vengeance either. After she started speaking to Starfire, there was no longer any trace of her earlier hostility.
While waiting for her lawyers to arrive, she had addressed them with open curiosity, asking them where their parents were; if they went to school; if they watched TV just like everyone else. Her only dealings with superheroes until then had been through her magazines and the occasional news article, and perhaps just like any intelligent individual, she wasn't quick to believe what was on print. They answered her after they had gotten over their initial surprise. Never, through the course of their getting acquainted with Rose Wilson, did it occur to them that she would be interested in them in any way other than exacting her revenge on them.
As the young girl became more comfortable with them, however comfortable one could be wrapped in monk's silks, so did the other children of the temple. They sat around the Titans, perhaps fascinated by the very sight of them.
Beast Boy told her that the kids had actually been standing around for the longest time, and it was only after Cyborg began waving to them that they decided it was safe to approach.
She marveled at how the children had clamored to know Cyborg and Beast Boy; they were always the most approachable of the group. Children saw the two as pals; the big brothers they never had or the ones they could call on when the neighborhood bully stole their lunch money.
Around her, the children were always painfully shy, blushing and smiling and calling her "ma'am" or "Miss Starfire" or whispering "I think you're pretty," then scampering away to safety. Occasionally, she would encounter a child who came to her with a poem or a song they learned in class. Sometime, they would introduce her to their pets. She didn't exactly understand how they perceived her, but Raven explained that she was being treated as the kindergarten teacher they all loved to love. Starfire liked that. It was endearing.
Raven never wanted to have to talk to kids and she only liked them when they had the sense to leave her alone, so she always sank behind the titans, praying not to be noticed. She hardly needed to hide. Children were sensitive enough to her animosity.
It was Robin who had the children gaping in awe. They would cluster around him, keeping a respectful distance while they stared at him, wide-eyed and mesmerized by the stories they've heard of him. He would arch his eyebrow at them, single one out and then ask something like, "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be doing your homework?" While some children would cower and run home to hit the books, most would actually say something along the lines of, "Sir, I've done my homework!" Apparently, the children looked up to him as their leader and they made sure, lest they encountered him in the mall or a Buddhist temple (as the case may be) that they were prepared. It wasn't surprising that a lot of the fan mail he received went along the lines of "I got an A plus in my exam!" or "Today, I ran a hundred meters in twenty five seconds!" Robin was a hero; the human who led super-people, and if they ate their vegetables, did well in school and won the gold, they could grow up to be just like him.
"Heaven forbid," Robin had once said when those very thoughts of him were voiced.
Well, he was her hero. She trusted him completely to lead her and lead her well, which was why she was troubled by how distracted he had been since their encounter with the comatose Slade.
When Beast Boy gave her the gist of what was going on in the underground hideout, she began to identify the scents that were invading her nostrils; sterilized equipment… medicines… they were the same scents she encountered when she was hospitalized, and there were the same sounds too. The beeping thingamajigs and such were familiar to her. Nevertheless, she wanted to reach out and find out for herself if indeed there was a man lying comatose on a bed. She wanted to touch the man's face; find out just who Slade, the man, was, but she had resisted. It seemed perverse. She had tried to visualize as much as she could and Beast Boy's narratives helped a lot, but without the face of Slade—the solidity of him imprinted in her memory—she could not help but feel a bit detached from the events. She feared it had not affected her as much as the others; she feared that she would fail to understand why it had Robin so unbalanced.
When they got back to the tower, Robin took her aside and scolded her relentlessly. He had been shaken by the episode with the gun. Even with Rose's confession that she could not have shot Starfire, Robin was livid with anger; furious that she had been so reckless. Starfire swore that if he had gone on any more vehemently with his tirade, she would have crumpled to her knees and cried, but then his anger was gone; spent. She suddenly found herself in his embrace. He told her, with utmost tenderness that he had been so afraid; telling her repeatedly that if something had happened to her, he wouldn't know what he was going to do for the rest of his life. And then he was kissing her like anything. It was as if her physical touch was what he needed to reassure himself.
Obviously, they hadn't made love. They were, after all, in the training room. It seemed highly inappropriate, especially with the rest of the titans probably pressing their ears to the door to listen to everything.
But after all the drama, he went back to work, immersing himself once again for the next two weeks. His intensity was not as bad as his Slade-obsession, but he rushed through meals and spent very little time in recreation. Starfire grew worried, and when she expressed her concerns, he explained to her that he had to find out who was behind it all if it hadn't been Slade. She wished she could help him, but that was another thing she was afraid of; it frightened her more than anything else; because she might find the answers, and she might find that she was right.
There was a sound from the elevator doors and she smiled, listening for the gait of the new arrival. No steps were made, but she heard a whisper of cloth sweeping lightly against the floor. She tried not to be so disappointed.
"Raven?"
"You sound surprised," came her flat, expressionless tone.
She heard Raven walking and then rummaging slightly through the shelves. Raven was looking for her tea.
"I—well, I am, somewhat."
"In case you forgot, I live here too."
Starfire laughed softly, embarrassed. "I did not mean… it is just that you are hardly ever here this early. Usually none of you get here before me and Robin."
"I could leave when Robin gets here."
Starfire was confused by this, and then worried. "You do not like Robin?"
"What? No. I like the guy fine, but I know you and he like your time alone."
Starfire tried to determine whether Raven was just making excuses to lock herself back into her room or whether Raven knew what Starfire and Robin did when they were alone. Double meanings aside, she didn't want to drive Raven away just because she liked being "alone" with Robin. She was just about to tell Raven that they always liked her company when Raven spoke.
"It's alright. You and Robin are together now. I completely understand how precious privacy is, especially in this joint."
Starfire felt a flush rise in her face, but she saw no point in denying it. It was just as Robin said. The rest of the titans were bound to figure it out without them having to say anything and everyone probably already knew, especially after having listened in on them when Robin was scolding her in the training room, just that Raven was the first to speak of it as fact, as least to her. "Oh, privacy is not a problem, Raven. We… find our moments. We never feel that any of you are in the way."
"Really? Sometimes I feel that the tension between you two gets so taut that you just couldn't wait to get away."
It was impossible not to feel a renewed flush in her cheeks. Perhaps she and Robin hadn't been as subtle as she thought. "I—we are sorry if it makes any of you feel uncomfortable."
Raven made a neutral sound. "It's alright. You try not to; A for effort."
She frowned. She knew what "A for effort" meant. "Are we so bad?"
"Probably just to me. Empath, you know." There was a crinkling sound, like cellophane. Raven must have found the untouched half of the ham sandwich in the refrigerator.
"Oh." Of course. She should have known. Nonetheless, she was glad that Raven was open to talking about it. She had been dying to tell someone about how wonderful and exciting it was to be with Robin. She knew girls on Earth liked talking about their boyfriends, or girlfriends, with their confidantes. It was the same with Tamaranians, and she had hoped Raven's human-half would be compelled to ask her about her new relationship with the Boy Wonder, but Raven had kept her nose solidly out of it in the last two weeks, and Starfire dared not bring it up herself lest she turned Raven off completely. "It is just difficult. When you are so into someone you just want to be as close as you could be."
Raven was silent except for the sound of a spoon gently hitting the interior of her tea cup. "I… couldn't really imagine Robin being all that—you know—kissy and huggy."
Starfire giggled. "Raven, nephews and nieces are kissy and huggy. Boyfriends like Robin…" She sighed dreamily, smiling to herself at the memories of the last few weeks. "When he kisses me, it is like the mortflegsof kanahar had risen from the under lorblaksof telnur ikmu gyre."
"Well—" Raven paused, probably to bite on her sandwich. "I'm sure they don't call him the Boy Wonder for nothing."
Stafire giggled. "That is one way of looking at it."
"So Mr. Neurotic could be Mr. Erotic. Heh, you learn something new everyday, I suppose."
Starfire understood why the others saw him so differently and perhaps Robin liked being seen as some immovable, unemotional pillar, but she hoped, at least, that Raven would understand that he made a wonderful boyfriend. "Oh, but he's so sweet, Raven. When we were in Gotham, he would bring me donuts in the labs and he would see me off in the morning and he would make sure I had my helmet on properly when he took me on his motored cycle. He makes me feel so special!"
"It's amazing I was able to keep my sandwich down when you said that. On a similar note, please don't tell me you feed each other and run down the beach hand in hand…"
Starfire knew about such things from having watched quite a few 80s music videos. She grinned. "No, we have not done that. That is not Robin's style. But we have made out on the motored cycle."
"Well, that's sexy. That's okay, so long as you don't have cheesy make-out music in the background."
Starfire lowered her voice to a whisper, as if the place was bugged. "It was very sexy, Raven. It was as if I could not stop."
"It's funny how you say that like bizarrely you couldn't stop."
"Well, is it not bizarre to be so locked in a kiss that nothing else seems to matter?"
"Only if you're kissing your cousin."
Starfire made a face, her visions of passion crashing at Raven's words. "Um… ew?"
Starfire felt Raven patting her shoulder consolingly. The empath poured Starfire some coffee and handed her the cup before announcing that she was going to start meditating with the morning paper in the dining area. When Raven said she was going to meditate with the newspaper, it meant she would be reading it from end to end.
A few minutes later, the elevator rang again and this time, it was Robin. Starfire smiled so broadly that she was in danger of breaking her face. "Good morning, Robin."
"Morning."
She felt him come near and she breathed of his scent. The sweet melon and cucumber smell of his hair and the fresh, clean fragrance of soap on his skin was almost intoxicating. She felt the heat of his body and then felt it press lightly against her, his gloved hand slipping underneath her hair to cup her face. Her heart skipped a beat in anticipation of the kiss, but his kiss did not come and he seemed frozen in place.
He has seen Raven. She stifled a sigh. She felt Robin's thumb rub lightly against her cheek. She had learned, in the last two weeks that he made his wordless apologies through caresses of the kind. Then his touch was gone and while he didn't go very far from her, the distance was marked.
"Well, you're up early," he said. She could tell by the direction of the sound that he was addressing Raven.
There was a shuffle of newspapers. "I'm always up early, I just usually don't leave my room, that's all."
"So you're feeling sociable today?"
"Not really. I just wanted to get to the ham sandwich first."
"What a coincidence, so did I."
"Well, it's gone now. I ate it all. It was good."
"Fantastic. My work here is done."
"So that means we won't be seeing anymore of you?"
Robin snorted. "Like it'll be that easy to get rid of me."
"Figures."
Starfire giggled. It was always a pleasure to hear Robin and Raven's banter. They hardly ever got on each other's nerves. There was another shuffle of papers and she knew that Raven had gone back to reading her paper.
"What are your plans for today, Boy Wonder?" she asked softly, hoping he would lean just a bit closer. Perhaps she could steal a kiss.
He did lean, but still not close enough. A sigh escaped his lips. "I don't know. This stupid case has me—I've ran out. I don't know where else to look. Johan said Victoria still hasn't gone back to his place and I'm thinking that if Victoria shows up there, I'm going to fly on over back to Bludhaven and take the mo' fo' by the neck—"
"Now Robin…" she said gently. "You really must step back and give yourself time to not think. Remember what happened with Garrison Slate? He was on Bruce's fast dial all along."
"Speed dial."
"Yes, whatever."
He sighed again. "I know what you're trying to saying: I've done all I could."
"Yes. And I feel the answers will be forthcoming."
A chuckle escaped him. "You gone precognitive too?"
"Oh, you never know."
She felt his hand on her leg, caressing gently. It caused her goose-bumps to rise. She lowered her voice to a whisper. "Richard, I have missed you at recreation."
"I've been busy."
She could hear the grin in his tone, but she pouted. "Richard Grayson, are you avoiding me?"
"Like I could stand to do that." He laughed softly. "I trained with you this whole week, didn't I?"
"But that is work."
She felt him lean even nearer so that Raven wouldn't hear what he had to say. "Not for me. I get to cop a feel when I help you stretch."
She smiled bashfully at that, but she took advantage of his closeness and kissed him. The kiss only lasted a few seconds. Robin had said he didn't want the other Titans seeing them so intimate and she respected his wishes, but on occasion, like when she knew on instinct that no one was looking, she risked it and she made sure the stolen kisses counted. However quick the kiss was, she had made it steamy nonetheless and she would give just about anything to see the look on his face.
"I could hear you," said Raven, probably from behind her newspaper.
Starfire giggled and she heard Robin's soft sigh of exasperation.
"Let me guess," said Robin, still in his confidential tone. "She finally brought us up. That's what you were talking about before I arrived."
Starfire nodded.
"Somebody had to, after Beast Boy. I didn't think it would be Raven, though. She's not usually nosy like the others."
Raven snapped her newspaper. "For your information, I wasn't being nosy. It just came up in conversation."
"Of course… it's not nosy to listen in on other people's conversations."
Raven scoffed. "I so don't have to explain myself to you." From the shuffling of paper that followed, Starfire could tell that Raven had gone back to her reading.
It was just as well, for Robin, but still refusing to be open about their relationship, he spoke to Starfire in her ear, his hand rubbing on her arm. "I've still got a few things to check up on, so I only have time for some coffee now, but maybe if there aren't any bad guys tonight, we could go out, just us two."
Starfire loved the idea of a date. She smiled, managing to steal another kiss. It made Robin sigh again, but he coupled it with a chuckle.
She let Robin have his coffee, and before he left, he grabbed something from the refrigerator; probably an orange or an apple. As the elevator doors opened to let him in, he exchanged greetings with Cyborg and Beast Boy before his presence completely disappeared.
Starfire gave her greetings to the new arrivals, offering them coffee and good cheer. Cyborg, after looking in the refrigerator, demanded to know what happened to the leftover ham sandwich.
"I ate it," said Raven.
"You what!"
"I ate it. Why? Was I not supposed to?"
"It was mine!"
"Didn't have your name on it."
Beast Boy made a face. "Ugh, I can't believe you're fighting over processed dead animal."
Cyborg sighed forlornly. "That processed dead animal tastes delicious with cheese, lettuce and mayo."
Starfire felt bad for him. She knew how he loved his food. "Cyborg, there is still processed dead animal in the freezer. Just thaw some of it in the microwave and you could cook a whole pile of it."
"Thanks Star. I might do that, but there's nothing quite like a left over sandwich, you know?"
She didn't, but she pretended she did. When the boys were busy doing their early morning rituals, she went to Raven's side, sliding beside her in the booth. She waited for Raven to acknowledge her. It didn't take very long.
"Starfire, what are you doing?"
"I need to speak with you," she whispered. "I need your help."
Raven remained unresponsive, but Starfire could almost hear the gears turning in Raven's head. Finally, the empath spoke. "What kind of help?"
"I need you to isolate a stream for me on a recording. Very short. Four; five seconds."
She heard Raven give a soft sigh of relief. "Oh. Whew. I thought you wanted me to go gift shopping with you for Robin or something like that."
Starfire's brows knotted. "Gift? His birthday is not for a few more months, and this Yule season you celebrate is still quite a way off—"
"Forget about gifts. You want me to isolate a stream for you? Sure, I'll help. Just give me the tape and I'll have the stream all cropped and aligned for you."
"No, I will align the sound patterns myself."
Raven paused for only a second. "You sure? Aligning it will only take about three; five minutes."
"I shall do it myself. All I need is the isolation of the stream."
"Well… okay…"
"Thank you, Raven! I truly appreciate your agreeing to help me. You are an angel!"
"Yes, cherubs flock at my feet."
Starfire fished into the pocket of her skirt and handed the disc to Raven.
"You don't waste any time, do you?"
"The boys will be playing on the Game Station soon…"
"Fair enough. Come on."
Raven led Starfire to the computer panel and sat them down. Starfire felt for the headphones in her cubicle and held one earphone to her ear. She waited for Raven to play the audio.
It played and Slade's voice came through. "Penny here…"
"This is Sl—"
Starfire had expected the reaction and cut Raven off. She didn't want Cyborg or Beast Boy to know what they were listening to. "Yes, it is, and I have listened to it over a dozen times just to make sure the anomaly I heard exists. Please check if it is visible on the grid."
Raven took a moment of silence before she spoke again. "It might be a very small anomaly. I didn't see or hear it. You have to tell me when it occurs. I'll play it again."
"What are you gals doin'?" asked Cyborg.
Starfire hastened to beat Raven to an explanation. "Oh, just some random listening skills I am trying to develop. I am practicing to spot anomalies by sound. Raven will tell me if I am hearing correctly. Is that not right, Raven?"
Raven hesitated a moment before replying. "What she said."
"That's pretty cool," said Cyborg. "Need an extra hand? I could help make it a better program for you."
Starfire flashed her best smile. "Oh, thank you, Cyborg! But really, I am fine for the meantime. I know you are very busy putting those improvements on the T-Car. By the way, it purrs so soothingly! You have done wonders, repairing it."
"You think so? I've been working on it overtime. Thanks for noticing. You know, now that you mentioned it, I think I'll work a bit on the car while my bacon is thawing. I'll see you girls later."
"Yo, Cy! Where you going?" asked Beast Boy.
"I just thought of something for the T-Car."
"Well then wait for me! The girls are using the computer…"
Their voices faded as the elevator doors closed.
As soon as they were gone, Raven spoke. "Starfire, why are you lying about this?"
"Oh, I just do not wish to worry them over nothing," she said cheerfully, hoping Raven would drop it.
"Well, now I'm worried. What's going on?"
Starfire smiled more brightly than ever. "Nothing's going on, Raven. It is just something I thought about doing, but I cannot do it by myself since my condition prevents me."
"And now that I think about it, why haven't you asked Robin to do this for you?"
"Oh, he's been very busy."
"Right. He's so busy he'd mind it terribly if his girlfriend asked a little favor from him."
Starfire tried to keep smiling and she opened her mouth for another fib, but Raven cut her off.
"If you don't start telling me the truth, I won't help you."
The smile disappeared from Starfire's face and then she sighed. "I-I am not ready to tell you, Raven. I am not ready to tell anyone, but it is important that I do this. Obviously, if I could do this on my own, I would have, but… I could not, and I must do it as soon as possible. Please… just help me, Raven. And I beg you not to tell anyone about this. If it is—if it is what I think it is, I swear I will inform Robin."
"Just Robin?"
"I am sorry I could make no promises about telling the rest of you."
Raven said nothing for several seconds then, "Fine."
Starfire felt waves of relief wash over her. She thanked Raven profusely and together, they worked on isolating the stream. Starfire tried to point out the occurrence of the anomaly as accurately as she could, by sound. Raven had a lot of difficulty trying to distinguish it by sight from the patters showing up on screen; it was practically invisible, but Starfire was persistent, and somehow, Raven recognized the anomaly and identified its stream. She cropped it and it took longer than she thought; the distinguishing waves were so minute. They got it isolated just in time for Cyborg and Beast Boy's return.
The boys began fighting about whether or not the bacon should be cooked. Beast Boy never won such fights, of course.
Raven then reluctantly left Starfire to align the stream. "Starfire," she said in a confidential tone. "You know you could tell me anything, right?"
Starfire nodded, feeling somewhat guilty. "Yes, Raven, but this is something I must come to grips with myself, first. Please trust me."
"I do."
Starfire felt a pat on her shoulder and she was left by herself. She fitted the earphone on her head this time so that her hands would be free to manipulate the knobs. Even with the other Titans sitting around her, she would be the only one who would hear. Playing the stream back over and over again, she made the necessary adjustments. Half-way through, she felt a knot tightening inside her.
Starfire made the final adjustments as she listened to the voice one last time.
"Penny here. Don't forget MealtidenPark Central. Eight thirty
She snatched off her headphones and hastened to recover the disk. Hoping no one would notice, she headed straight to the elevators. She was so unfocused that she bumped against Cyborg.
"Whoa! Easy, girl!"
"S-Sorry!" she whispered, rushing past him. She thanked X'Hal she made it and when the elevator doors closed, she let the misery take over.
888888888888888888
Starfire nestled against Robin's embrace, the breeze grown colder to mark the season, though winter in California was never quite as cold as the fall in the East Coast.
Robin said they were in a pier of sorts, which explained the salty smell to the air. Seated on a bench, she couldn't hear a lot of activity. Perhaps in the distance, yes, but there was hardly anyone near by. He told her with a chuckle that where he'd situated them, they had total privacy.
Robin played lazily with her hair and she savored the soothing quality of it. Perhaps there was a way to it, after all. It certainly felt nice when Robin did it.
She wished they could be this happy all the time; she wished they could both forget all their troubles and…
Run away. She grinned at the thought. It would be quite romantic if she and Robin did that.
"Hey," he said softly. "What are you grinning at?"
"Let us run away."
"Sure," he replied without hesitation. "Let's go."
She laughed, knowing how foolish the notion was. Neither of them had moved, anyway. There would be no running away tonight…
Stafire felt her smile fading, her lips grown heavy from effort. Robin picked up on it quickly.
"You alright?"
She wasn't. Being with him; riding around the city; eating corndogs and having ice-cream and saltwater taffy; she had hoped that she wouldn't have to deal with certain realities pertaining to her life because she was always happy when he was near, but the bliss had been momentary and she realized, sitting silently with him on this bench by the sea, that there was no getting away from what she had to do.
Robin tightened his hold on her affectionately. "Indigestion?"
Starfire smiled sadly. "If only it were that simple."
She felt his hands caressing her face. He pinched her chin lightly, the soft kiss of his lips reassuring. "What's wrong?"
"It is…" Already she felt tears pooling in her eyes and she tried her best to fight it back.
"Hey," he said in a soft, soothing tone. She felt a handkerchief being pressed to her cheek and she took it gratefully, dabbing at her eyes.
She knew Robin couldn't stand to see anyone in tears, especially her, so she tried again, dislodging herself from his embrace to find her own strength of will. "I—my family, Richard… we were born of love. My mother and father married because they loved one another. They were lucky, because… because they were an appropriate match. But—" she struggled to continue and Robin wasn't saying anything. She knew he was listening. He had a hand on her knee while the other rubbed her arm comfortingly. "When we—the children—were born, things changed. But I did not know it at the time. I was too young to comprehend… politics…"
"Politics?" His voice was suddenly filled with confusion.
Pain welled inside her, but she tried to get through it. She had to make Robin understand. "My father and mother… they—they were the rulers of Tamaran."
The movement of his hand paused and she could tell, just by the sudden pressing quality to the silence, that he was shocked; perhaps a bit confused.
She went on. She spoke unhurriedly and with purpose. "Blackfire was the eldest, as you know. And I was born very soon after she was. Ryand'r was the last. When he was born, Blackfire and I were old enough to be sent to the Warlords of Okaara. As princesses, we had to learn how to become leaders and warriors. Most of the cultures in the Vegan system sent their princes and princesses to Okaara. The training there is very harsh, but there could be no better school in all twenty two worlds. And then there came the tests… the Trials of Okaara. Up until those trials, Blackfire bested me in everything. She was faster; smarter; wiser; but on those seven grueling days of the trial—somehow, she failed. She failed it, Richard. It was a test of rulers. It was to determine whether a crown prince or princess was fit to rule a kingdom. Blackfire, as the eldest, had the right to take that test again, but only after her siblings took the test and failed it. Ryand'r wasn't even fit to begin training yet, and she practically demanded to have Ryand'r enrolled. Technically, this was allowed. If only to allow the eldest to take the test again, all the siblings down the line may be enrolled and made to take the test themselves. If the children were too young to endure the test, then it was just all the more better. The tests stop at the first sign of failure and the children would be none the worse from the formalities. But then I had to take the test as well… I should have failed it, Richard. I should have—I should have let the tests overcome me." Regret filled her. So many things she should have done, or so many things she shouldn't have. So many decisions down the line that could have changed her future and Blackfire's forever. "I tried to fail. I honestly did, but then I could not fool the test. It knew that I knew, and it just kept pushing me until I could bear it no longer…"
Robin caught her gently by the shoulders. "Did you pass the tests, Kori?"
She nodded. "Yes, and from that moment on I was the new crown princess of Tamaran."
She heard his breath catch. She tried to steel herself. That was the easy part of her tale. "Blackfire would not talk to me for months. She hated me, and I was so sorry. I did not want to rule Tamaran. Since I was born, I was content by the fact that my elder sister would be doing all that. I cannot rule. I cannot handle that kind of responsibility. But the tests said I had to, and Blackfire was no longer the priority. I thought she would never speak to me again, but she did and while I knew, deep down inside, that she believed she was still the rightful ruler of Tamaran, I was just relieved that my sister was acknowledging me again. Whatever bitterness she harbored, I closed my eyes to it. And when the Citadel, that awful alien race, came and threatened our planet, I—well, things went from bad to worse. Let us just say that it probably sealed her hate for me to the very core of her bones. You remember when she came here? When she tried to frame me for stealing the Centari Diamond?"
"Yes."
"I knew inside me why she did that; why she hated me enough to do that. Certainly I did not want to admit it. Years had lapsed and… we had both suffered equally, perhaps I more than she. I paid for my sins, but I suppose she shouldn't have been made to suffer at all since she had been so aggrieved in the first place."
"Suffered, Kori? How did you suffer?"
Starfire shook her head. She was not going into that now. It was not important. "That voice we thought was Slade… it was not him. It was Blackfire. She had masked her voice and then she masked that mask just in case we got wind of what was happening. She could have gotten away with it, but she hadn't counted on my being blind. She hadn't counted on me, honing my sense of hearing. If not for my condition, Robin, I would not have heard the anomaly, and I would not have searched as far to confirm my suspicions."
Robin was silent for a time before he spoke again. "How sure are you—"
"I am. There were other clues, but they could have been somewhat random without the voice on the tape to prove it. There is this strategy used by many generals of Tamaran. It has a name, but its English translation is known as Smoke and Mirrors; the way magicians hide and do things in plain sight, making you think that you saw something disappear right before your eyes. It is more potent than keeping things secret. You could know secrets are being kept and try to find them out, but when you believe that you're looking at the truth, you stop searching for answers. Those scientists that were killed; I do not think they are dead. Somewhere in space, they are with Maxwell Victoria. Whether they are being forced to work for Blackfire or whether they are doing it voluntarily, we could not be sure, but depend upon it; they are alive, probably being forced to pursue Project Auron."
"Project Auron? What do you know about Project Auron?"
"Not much, Robin. I was very young when the Citadel first attacked our planet, and most of the time, I was with the Warlords, training, but I did hear my parents speaking of it behind closed doors. They would mention it often, my mother fretting about how dangerous it was; my father saying they had no choice. During the wars, there would be a delivery of precious gems from all over the galaxy. Whether my father stole it or whether he asked for it, I might never know. At the time, it wasn't called a "project". It was called The Wrath of Auron."
"Who is Auron?"
"Auron is the son of X'Hal, Richard, and he was told to have brought war upon the Vegan worlds once upon a time. What X'Hal loved, he hated. What X'Hal sought to preserve, he wanted destroyed. It was from him the legend of the Metalloids was born; the animals with steel bones. You remember me telling you about them, don't you, Richard?"
"Yes."
"Well, maybe that is what the Wrath of Auron was intended to resurrect. It certainly sounded similar to what the three scientists were working on. I think maybe the ploy to make us think it was Slade came to Blackfire when she realized that Jefferson Welles worked where Plasmus was being held captive. That is my guess. She used Cinderblock first—I don't know how she controlled him, but she did it, and while everyone was busy trying to get away from Cinderblock, someone spirited Greenwald away, albeit one finger less. She did the same with Plasmus. And then she left little clues in Bludhaven that would point to Slade. Perhaps she knew your… our obsession with him. Then we found the tape and it was all making sense that Slade would do it. I think she didn't count on the fact that Slade was in a coma. She, like everyone else, didn't know where Slade was. Perhaps her smoke and mirrors plan would have worked longer if we hadn't found Slade. I myself didn't want to think she would do all this—not until the possibility of Slade was laid to rest. But I had to find out, you see. I wished so many nights that I was wrong, but I was not. It was Blackfire, and then I remembered what Rose told me."
She felt his arms slipping around her, taking her in a firmer embrace.
"Yeah," he replied. "She told you that your instincts had merit. She was talking about your suspicions for Blackfire, wasn't she?"
"I did not want to believe it. After all, futures change. I learned that from going twenty years ahead with Warp. But this was not changing. After I confirmed that the voice was Blackfire's, I contacted the Centari police. I asked them about my sister. They refused to tell me anything. They said it wasn't my affair. It probably means she's not there anymore. And then I… I contacted Tamaran. I alerted them of the danger Blackfire posed in case she really is planning to attack them. Whatever the Wrath of Auron was, she might be replicating the plans for it. I—I tried to scramble my signal. I do not want them to know I am here, but I will not be surprised if they pinpoint my location. I'm using a very primitive transmitter, so my message will take a few weeks to get there, but its primitive technology will make the origins of my signal near impossible to locate. It could take them months to find out where I am using the sound waves of my message. But I am sure Galfore will do everything he can to discover its source."
"Galfore?"
Starfire felt a heat rise in her cheeks, smiling for the first time since she began talking about Blackfire. "He is my k'norfka in Earth terms that could be translated as bodyguard or… nanny. He is very dear to me. Dearer to me than my father."
"Oh. Well, of course a princess has to have a nanny…"
He sounded nonplussed, and she couldn't help but give a soft giggle before she sighed and sank back to her misery. "It just hurts so much, Richard, to be so hated by one's sister. My parents—I was hardly ever familiar with them, but Blackfire… she was my family. Well, she, Ryand'r and Galfore. When there are only three people you believe love you in a family tree that spans the entire West Wing of a palace… well, you tend to be possessive of those people. Losing one in three, the other one not even related to me by blood—it felt like a tragedy."
Robin sighed and Starfire recognized the accompanying hint of exasperation. "Kori, why didn't you tell me you were suspecting your sister?"
She sighed as well, but hers was tinged with embarrassment. She had thought about that; how she could have saved everyone the trouble, and she came up with one compelling and all-encompassing truth. "I would have said something; I really would have, but I refused to believe it until today. Slade was such a probability that many times, I convinced myself it was him. I suspect that I took comfort in it, twisted as it was for me to do such a thing. And besides… what kind of a person would I be if I bore such terrible thoughts about my sister?"
"Blackfire doesn't deserve your good will, Kori." He said it gently, but it was slightly chiding, too.
"It is what everyone says, but everyone else has rejected her. My parents… my people… right now, I have you and the others to turn to. She has no one, and it is all my fault."
"It wasn't your fault. You said so yourself, the tests knew you were trying to fail. There was nothing you could have done."
"There was something. I could have let the test kill me. It has happened with other candidates so many—"
She felt Robin gripping her shoulders and it grew tight, almost painful. She gasped, but he spoke before she could say anything. "That wasn't an option, Kori. Death comes for us, we don't go looking for it. How can you even—"
Starfire recognized the tone. It was the tone he had used when he was yelling at her about Rose and her gun. He wasn't yelling now, but the quality of intensity was there. She could feel it from his fingers that were digging into her skin and she could think of nothing to say.
His grip loosened and he ran his hands soothingly over her arms. "You scare me sometimes, when you talk like that. You love life and after all you've gone through, I recognize how strong you are, but you—you put everyone else ahead of you. When you get that way, you seem to forget how important you are to other people. Suddenly, you think you're dispensable; as if statistically, everyone would be better off, and that frightens me, because it means it's all calculated in your head…"
For all the drama and confessions, Starfire realized how shocking Robin's words were to her. She was not suicidal. She believed it was not her nature, or was it? "I am sorry…" she whispered lamely.
"D-Don't be sorry. Just… just don't think that way. This entire thing with Blackfire; it hasn't—it hasn't completely sunk in yet, I have to admit. I have a million questions, but I'm not going to ask them now. You've had enough for one night."
She was about to protest when she realized that he was right. She felt terribly tired, but she had promised herself that she would tell him all she could that night, and wearied as she was, there was one tiny, probably insignificant detail she had to share. She looked up, smiling wanly at him. "Do you know when it was I really began to suspect, Richard? Do you know when it hit me that just maybe it was Blackfire behind it all?"
He was silent. She could tell he was trying to come up with an intelligent guess. "Project Auron?"
Starfire laughed softly. "No. It gave me pause, yes, but my thoughts were not on Blackfire, then. Try again."
"It's the only time I could figure."
She couldn't blame him. "It was when I heard the name Penny."
"Penny?"
"Yes, Penny. It is of German origin, did you know that?"
"No… what's that got to do with it?"
"Penny is feminine for Penn."
"I remember you saying something like that…"
"I did. It just struck me as odd, really. Do you know what Penn means?"
"No."
"It means Commander."
He remained quiet and he leaned back on the bench, draping his arm over her shoulders to keep her in a reassuring embrace. It would have to do for the meantime. They needed at least a few minutes to think about it on their own.
She looked back on the past few months, turning it in her head. She had lost her sight on that fateful day Cinderblock struck it from her, and she had dour visions about how different her life would be from then on. Well, it had been different, but it had, in no way, been as sightless as she thought. She had found Robin, in more ways that she could have hoped for. Because of what happened to her, Robin opened doors for her to who he was. He brought her to Gotham; he admitted her into his life and even if by some cruel twist of fate, he had not felt the same way about her as she did him, she would have been content with the fact that she now knew him in his entirety. Robin, the Boy Wonder; Richard John Grayson.
And now her loss of vision had made her see the truth about her sister. She had to become blind to see what Blackfire had become.
Starfire remembered Raven's readings. She was so reluctant to tell Robin about them and she had turned the reasons over and over again in her head. It came down to sparing Robin of worry, and wondering why she thought that way. She had to ask herself why she thought the future was foreshadowed by pain. The only pain she'd had was embedded in her past, and that was something else she found in this path of self-discovery. While visions of what once was home was not necessarily a savory memory, she had refused to think about it for a long time. Her past had brought her nothing but pain, and every time she dwelt on it, something bad happened. Perhaps that was what Raven and Rose meant…
"That is only the beginning," Raven had said. "The Fool was crossed by the Emperor of five swords, though beneath it was the World… the Hanged Man presented itself in one of your paths."
It wasn't a reading that Starfire could claim to understand completely, but Raven was a master with words and in this case, there was nothing random about anything she said. The Emperor crossing the Fool meant that her relationship with Robin was only the beginning, inter-woven with what the future had in store for her. There would be responsibilities ahead of her which would serve as obstacles to their love; things that would require the mind more than the heart. Such things always demanded so much, which was perhaps the root of Starfire's misgivings, but that was the trick with Tarot. They showed clues, not pictures. The appearance of the five of swords meant the event would bring change and uncertainty, though the appearance of the World meant she would find success in this journey. Because of the five swords, several paths would likely rise from the single road. She would have to make a choice, it seemed, and the appearance of the Hanged Man told her that one of those choices would require self-sacrifice.
In view of what Robin had told her about herself, about the way she put everyone else ahead of her, the whisper of self-sacrifice was not particularly settling.
I am not suicidal, she told herself stubbornly. Still, the unease was palpable. She pushed those thoughts back for her other insecurities that needed settling.
"Richard?"
"Hmm?"
"You are not disgusted by me?"
"Kori." Again, with that chiding tone. "Why would I be disgusted of you?"
"My relations… here on Earth, there is a thing they call Sins of the Father…"
His embrace tightened on her and she felt him nuzzling her at the temple. "I love you for you, Kori. Nothing's going to change that. Not your parents or your sister."
Starfire absorbed his words. She was happy that he did not take her sister's actions against her. She was glad that her parent's lack of emotional connection with their children did not make him think less of her. She had been slightly afraid that he would think it so odd, especially since his parents loved him so much and he had been surrounded by people who cared for him all his life, but she was particularly moved by the words he spoke first. "I love you," he had said. It was something she knew he felt for her; something he probably knew she felt for him, but they never really said it. It hadn't been spoken until now and she hadn't realized the intensity of feeling it invoked.
Unable to contain herself, she reached up and caught his lips with hers, holding him close to make the kiss linger. She put quite a bit into it. It was some sort of a reward and by the time she was through, she had him under her spell. She could hear his soft panting and supposed he was somewhat out of sorts.
She levitated gently, sitting on his lap. She pressed her lips gently to his ear, whispering. "I do love you, too, Richard." She settled against him, leaning her head against the crook of his shoulder.
His arms soon slid around her waist, leaning his chin gently against her crown.
They stayed that way for quite a while and as cold as the salty breeze of Samhain's late winds blew, they would give each other warmth. They were going to have each other to ward against the cold for a long time.
To be continued…
Closing Notes: Not quite done. That was quite a bit of sap, wasn't it?
The description I came up with concerning Robin's essence encased within his physicality was inspired by a comment made by Devin Grayson, creator of Batman: Gotham Knights and writer of the Nightwing series, about Dick Grayson (no, they're not related) in an interview she had with Underground Online's Derek Handley. She described Dick as being "… so completely on the physical plane, so gorgeously corporeal," and "…he hardly knows the difference between a kick and a kiss—as long as there's a chance for movement and contact and body heat, he's happy, he's on…" She also went into a whole bunch of other aspects about Robin/Nightwing and the whole time I was like, "Whoa! Wow! That's exactly how I feel about him! This is awesome!" So the only difference I have with Devin Grayson is that her opinion matters and that mine absolutely doesn't; she has a life, I don't; she has the job of my dreams and I have a job that contributes nothing to my growth except for the money, which isn't that much either.