My head just aches
When I think of
The things that I shouldn't have done
But life is for living, we all know
And I don't wanna live it alone
Chapter 36
Life is for Living
Hermione sat at a table in the common room, ready to write an essay for Charms. She pulled out a fresh piece of parchment and poised her quill, ready to discuss the Charms that directly affected the cerebrum.
Concentrate.
The cerebellum is the part of the brain that . . . No, that wasn't right. It was the cerebrum. Hermione scratched out the word so hard the parchment tore. She put it aside and reached for another.
The cerebellum. . . Argh! Not again. As she scratched it out, her mind wandered away from the essay to Sirius.
Hermione lowered her quill. Sirius was never far from her thoughts, but she wondered how far she was from his. She rubbed the hand that had once worn his ring. Sighing, she began to rummage in her bag. A worn piece of parchment fell out. Hermione opened it and recognized Sirius' handwriting. Her excitement only lasted for a second as she remembered it was a note way back from when they were still together.
He'd written it in detention.
Dear Hermione,
Miss me? Filch caught James and me putting Itching Powder in a few of the Slytherins' athletic cups. Dunno why he's so steamed—it's not as if he'd know what those cups were for. Heh. I wish you were there this time to help me out of it. You'd charm him like you did me.
Anyway, I was watching this gorgeous girl go by earlier as I sat here. She had this unruly brown hair, and her pretty face was furrowed in concentration as she read some sort of book. She looked like the studious type. I wonder if she has a boyfriend? Probably. A really handsome one, I'm sure. McGonagall is staring at me. I've got to go back to looking bored. Anyway, I'll see you when I get back to the common room. I've got to finish that dratted Transfiguration essay.
Sirius
Hermione smiled as she read the note. Sirius always wrote her notes when he was stuck in detention. By December he had written her over thirty notes. They were tucked safely at the bottom of her trunk.
Hermione reflected back on the terrible day she'd had.
She'd woken up late and had to miss breakfast to get to Potions on time. Potions was no picnic, as she had to endure angry glares from James and cool indifferent ones from Sirius.
In History of Magic, her essay on the reformation of hags garnered only twenty- nine of the thirty points.
In Transfiguration, she'd had to transfigure a pig into a raccoon. In the end her raccoon still had a snout.
In Charms Hermione had spilled ink all over her notes, which made them illegible. She had had to borrow them from Lily and rewrite them during lunch.
What had happened to the once in control Hermione? She hated losing control.
She hated the fact that she'd gotten so many things wrong. She hated borrowing
notes. She hated receiving anything less that full credit on her essays. She hated missing meals.
And most of all, she missed Sirius.
Inside her dormitory, Hermione opened a drawer and pulled out the necklace she'd given Sirius.
The chain was still broken. She fingered it carefully.
But maybe, with time, it could be fixed.
Hermione took out a bit of parchment and began to write. When she finished, she snuck into the boys' dormitory and dropped it on Sirius' bed.
-----
Sirius sat finishing his Charms essay. It was admittedly not up to scratch but he didn't really care. Reaching into his bag, he pulled out a letter Hermione had written to him while they were still together. He stared at the careful, patient handwriting and began to read.
Dear Sirius,
Detention, again? I wish you'd try to stay out of trouble.
I, too, saw that bushy-haired girl. She told me she's mad for her boyfriend, so I don't think you'll have a chance. He's quite handsome, as well.
You haven't finished your Transfiguration essay? You know it's got to be two feet long. I don't want you to stay up all night and then be tired for the rest of the day. You need your rest.
I'll see you when you get back to the common room. If you promise never to wait till the last minute again I might check it for you.
Hermione
Sirius played with the corners of the letter as he sat in thought. Her letter was just like any letter a girlfriend would send her boyfriend. Loving, a bit nagging, and always caring. He was sure of her feelings back then.
Was he sure now?
She lied to me, a voice in his head said.
For good reason, another insisted.
Well, why can't she tell me then?
She promised.
She cheated on me.
She's told you over and over she didn't want to kiss him.
I don't care about her.
Seems to me you love her.
Oh, shut up, Sirius thought irritably. He just couldn't forgive her, and he knew why.
Damn Gryffindor pride.
His pride was what stood in the way. His pride would not let him go to her. His pride was hurt deeply. His pride would not, simply would not, go crawling to a girl.
Yet he loved her still. His love for Hermione and his pride were fighting each other. He didn't know who would win.
Wordlessly, Sirius rose and went up to his dormitory. He pushed back the curtains of his bed to find a small piece of parchment. Sirius unfolded its careful creases.
It was from Hermione, and it said simply:
I'm not letting go.
Something fell to the floor. It was the necklace she had given him. Its chain was broken, but he could see it could easily be repaired.
-----
Hermione waited in her dormitory. She hoped he wouldn't throw the note away. It was her last hope.
Not being able to wait any longer, Hermione left her dormitory and stood at the bottom of the stairs of the boys' dormitory. She heard someone coming down the stairs. She looked up eagerly, but it was James.
"Stay away from him," James said, cutting to the chase.
"What do you mean?" Hermione asked innocently.
"Don't give me that rubbish," James said harshly. "Leave Sirius alone. You hurt him, Hermione. And if you ever go near him again, I swear it'll be the last time you do. You're not going to hurt my friend again."
Hermione snapped.
"Don't you think I know that?" Hermione cried. "Don't you think I hate myself for hurting him? Don't you think I'm dying without him? Don't judge me. Stay out of it. I know he's your friend, but if you'd back off, I might be able to talk to him and explain!" Hermione was so angry she couldn't speak anymore. She left James seething and walked out of the common room.
"What was that about?" Sirius asked, coming down the stairs.
James clenched his fists. "Hermione. Telling me to stay out of it. Sirius, you know I—" He was cut off.
"Which way did she go?" Sirius asked urgently.
James shrugged. "What are you going to do?"
Sirius ignored James and pushed past him, running out of the common room to find Hermione.
-----
Hermione walked outside towards the ice. She pulled her coat tighter around her body. I can do anything, Hermione thought. I can even skate on this stupid ice. I don't need anyone. Quickly she transfigured her shoes into skates. She was going to skate. She was going to prove herself.
Hermione stepped gingerly on the ice. As if on cue, she fell. Frustration seeped through her. "ARGH!" she yelled. She climbed viciously to her feet. She moved a few inches forward, dreading every step. After a few minutes she glided with a shaky sort of ease. She bobbed from side to side like a penguin, looking and feeling ridiculous. But she could do it.
She didn't even notice the tiny cracks that began to spread where she stood.
----
Sirius finally found Hermione bobbing on the ice. He gave a half-smile as he watched her struggle. Hermione didn't like sports at all. But it was part of her charm.
Her charm. Did this mean he was going to forgive her?
He never got a chance to answer the question. Sirius watched in horror as the ice beneath Hermione gave and she fell through.
Hermione fell through the ice so quickly her mind didn't register it. The pain hit her full force. The icy water seeped through her heavy jacket and penetrated her skin. It was the sensation of someone poking you with a needle.
Only it was more like a hundred needles. Her body ached for warmth and she tried to swim to the surface to breathe. Her lungs were screaming for air.
Frantically, Hermione tried to blow bubbles. Instead, the water rushed into her mouth and forced its way down her throat. She thrashed around wildly. She couldn't reach the surface. She felt herself sinking. The water was cloudy. A numbness slowly overcame her. Her mind started to accept the possibility of death. At least the pain would go away. At least she'd be warm. Finally, she closed her eyes and waited for death.
Movement. The water was starting to move around her. Hermione didn't know what was happening. She knew she was beyond help, so what was this? She opened her eyes. Sirius. Was she dreaming? It seemed so. Why would Sirius be here?
Sirius reached for Hermione. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her up. At first he wasn't sure if he was strong enough to pull them both up. He struggled, and finally reached the surface. Hermione didn't even cough.
Fearing the worst, Sirius dove under, grabbed her by the legs, and with everything he had, pulled her up. Clumsily, he pulled himself up. Sirius picked up a deathly cold Hermione and slowly started to walk off the ice, praying that the ice would hold them. They made it. Thanking every star in the sky, Sirius lay Hermione down on the frozen ground.
"Hermione?" he asked. When he received no answer, he took her wrist and checked for a pulse. It was there. Weak, but it was there. A powerful sense of relief overtook Sirius and for a moment he was so lightheaded he forgot she still needed help.
"Hermione," he whispered. "Hang on…hang on. You're going to be just fine. You're going to pull through for me." He picked up her limp body and sprinted to the hospital wing.
—
Hours later, Sirius paced in the dark hospital wing, waiting for news.
Madam Pomfrey came out, looking exhausted.
"Well?" he asked urgently.
"She's stabilized, but still very weak," she said.
"So she'll be all right?" Sirius asked urgently.
"Yes."
Sirius let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding. The lightheaded feeling of relief came back. "Can I see her?"
"Only for a few minutes. She's asleep."
Sirius went inside the hospital room. Hermione's eyes were closed. She looked extremely pale, but not as deathly pale as she had looked earlier. Her hands were clasped together. She looked like she was prepared for burial. Sirius shuddered and slowly unclasped her hands. Hermione gave a little moan and her eyes slid slowly open.
"Shh," Sirius said. "Go back to sleep." He didn't know if she even knew he was speaking. She slowly closed her eyes.
Sirius sat in the cold silence. He watched Hermione's chest move up and down as she breathed.
Oh, God, if he had lost her tonight. . .he couldn't even imagine the pain.
What a fool he had been. He'd let his pride consume him. He'd pushed Hermione away.
If I had lost her she would never have known how much I love her.
Yes. He loved her.
It had taken a near-death experience for him to realize it. He knew now that he loved Hermione more than anything else in the world.
"Time to go," Madam Pomfrey said.
Sirius looked from Hermione to the door. The last thing he wanted to do was leave her.
"I don't want her to be alone," Sirius said firmly.
"I'll be here all night," Madam Pomfrey insisted.
"She needs to know I'm here," Sirius said firmly.
"I'll inform you when she awakens."
"No. I'm staying. She needs me. You'll have to drag me out of here." Sirius said this with such resolve that Madam Pomfrey could not fight it. No one was going to make Sirius leave Hermione.
"Well, you might as well have a cot. I'll go get one." A disapproving Madam Pomfrey left.
-----
Sirius did not sleep. He wanted to be awake if Hermione needed anything. His eyelids grew heavy but they never left Hermione's limp form.
A powerful emotion was sweeping through him. It felt light and it felt as if he was walking on air. It was love.
Sirius studied Hermione's face. Light skin. A nose that curved upward slightly. And pink lips that he ached to touch with his own.
Sirius took her hand in both of his. And waited.
----
He awoke at dawn. The first few hints of sunlight reflected through the windows.
Sirius glanced at Hermione. She was still asleep. He waited for a few minutes, then wondered if she'd want water when she awoke. He was hesitant to leave the room, but felt that she wouldn't wake up in the few minutes he would be gone. Sirius left the room and found a pitcher of water. He was searching for a glass when he heard anguished cries.
"Sirius! I want Sirius!" cried Hermione. She sounded scared.
Sirius dropped the pitcher of water without a second thought. It crashed to the floor as he rushed back Hermione's room.
"I'm here!" Sirius said urgently, wanting to calm Hermione down.
She was having a bad dream. Sirius took Hermione by the shoulders and gently shook her. "I'm here."
Hermione opened her eyes. She looked panicked. When she saw Sirius she looked relieved. "I'm not going anywhere."
This seemed to pacify Hermione. She looked weary.
"You need to rest." Sirius said. "Lay back." Hermione nodded and sank back into the pillows. She closed her eyes. Sirius thought she'd fallen asleep when she started to speak again. "I thought you hated me."
Sirius berated himself for saying that. He had never meant it.
"I don't hate you," he whispered.
Hermione opened her eyes. "You don't?"
"No." Sirius swallowed nervously. "Quite the opposite. I. . .I love you, Hermione. I love you so much it hurts."
Hermione opened her mouth to say something. Sirius put a finger across her lips.
"It's my turn," he whispered.
He took another deep breath.>
"I've been so stupid. I never let you try to explain. I. . ." he could not yet say forgive. A part of him was still hurt. "When you're ready, I want to hear your side of the story."
Madam Pomfrey bustled in with some sort of potion. "She needs to take her potion," she told Sirius. "Wait outside."
"I want him to stay," Hermione said wearily.
"You heard her," Sirius said smugly.
Madam Pomfrey tutted. Hermione grimaced as she drank the potion. As she was drinking it, Madam Pomfrey commented to Sirius, "I expect it'll be like last time, and you're going to bring her pumpkin juice?"
Hermione looked at Sirius questioningly. He blushed slightly. "When you first came to Hogwarts you were in the hospital wing for a few days. I, er, kept bringing you juice so you'd have something to drink when you woke up."
Hermione gave a small smile. Madam Pomfrey bustled out with the empty goblet.
"Can we go somewhere to talk?" Sirius asked.
"What's wrong with here?" Hermione asked.
Sirius cringed. "With Madame Interruption around?"
"All right. I'll transfigure this thing" she pulled on her gown "into clothes."
Sirius nodded as she stood up. He propped his chin on his elbows and watched her.
Hermione looked a bit awkward. "Er. . .could you give me a minute?"
Sirius said slyly, "But won't you need help?"
Hermione just stared. He knew the joke was bad timing. They still weren't on comfortable terms. He just nodded and stepped outside.
She called him inside after a few minutes. "Where do you want to go?"
"Astronomy Tower," Sirius responded promptly.
Hermione nodded. Without thinking about it, she reached for his hand. It was a reflex. They held hands for about three seconds when it became too uncomfortable. They both could see it was back to square one. Sirius sighed. He opened the door and looked for any sign of Madam Pomfrey.
(Hehe....I know you all love me now....please review...Ten points for anyone who guesses the group that wrote the song at the beginning of the chapter.)