Chapter 37
I Love You Too
Hermione shivered as she and Sirius walked outside onto the grounds. Sirius saw it immediately, took his jacket off, and draped it over her shoulders. Hermione murmured a thanks.
Hermione and Sirius walked in silence, the cool air refreshing. They stayed two feet away from each other, afraid to get too close.
They finally reached the Astronomy Tower. Sirius opened the heavy door. Hermione looked warily at the long flight of stairs. She put one foot on the step, dreading it. She was still very weak.
"Here, let me help," Sirius offered. He put his arms around Hermione and lifted her up. Hermione gave a little yelp, which made Sirius promptly set her down.
"I can do it myself, thanks," Hermione muttered. She didn't want him to touch her. She had ached for his touch for so long, but it was too soon.
Sirius sighed. "Come on, Hermione. Don't be stubborn."
Hermione grew firm. "No, really. I insist."
Sirius shrugged and began jogging up the steps.
Hermione warily began to climb. When she had reached the third step and Sirius had reached the fifteenth, he sighed, went down to Hermione, and lifted her up.
"No, Sirius, I can—"
"One thing you'll have to learn," Sirius huffed, climbing up the stairs, "is ask for help when you need it."
They reached the top, and Sirius set Hermione down on the stone floor. He backed away. Silence. Hermione kicked little dustballs with her feet and wrapped the jacket tighter around herself. Sirius looked toward the grounds.
"I. . .I feel a bit better," Hermione offered, breaking the silence.
"That's good," Sirius replied. "Sometimes it takes a while to recup–"
"Severus' father abuses his mother. He beats her terribly," Hermione said suddenly, cutting him off. "It was too dangerous for her to live with him. Severus asked me to help get her out of the house and into a shelter. That's where I went. I was helping Severus' mother. He asked me to keep it a secret."
"–erate," Sirius finished. As he tried to digest this news, he skirted away from it. "It's a nice day. Looks like the frost is melting some."
Inside, he was screaming.
Severus' father was abusive? No, it wasn't true. Severus was lying.
Slowly, Sirius remembered every time Severus came to class wearing turtlenecks under his robes. And the time he'd come to class with his nose out of place. Sirius and James had taunted him for weeks.
Oh, God. It was true. Severus was abused.
Sirius grew a knot in his stomach. He turned away from Hermione in shame. His actions made him ill. He hadn't known. Sirius breathed heavily. Every second that passed made Sirius hate himself even more. "I didn't know," Sirius whispered hoarsely, turning back to Hermione.
Hermione went on. "I couldn't tell anyone, not even you. We went to his house to rescue his mother, and his father was there."
Sirius drew a breath in sharply.
"Severus and I managed to hold him off in time to save his mother," Hermione said. "But what helped us most was your ring."
"My ring?"
"Yes," Hermione replied. "Your ring blocked the Cruciatus Curse from hitting Severus and me. When Severus came to me and told me about his family, I couldn't say no. I had to help. I hated lying to you. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do." Hermione's lower lip quivered and her eyes grew red, but she kept going. "Severus told me he loved me and he did kiss me. But I didn't want him to kiss me. I never asked for him to fall in love with me. I lov–I was with you." Hermione finished. She'd finally said all she had longed to say.
"I was a prat," Sirius admitted, rubbing his eyes tiredly. "But I felt so betrayed."
"I told you, I couldn't say anything," Hermione said, a bit impatiently.
"I know that." Sirius stared at the wall. Then he turned, wanting Hermione to see his face when she heard what he said.
"You were the first girl who ever saw me for who I was. You listened to me. You truly wanted to know what hurt me. I couldn't believe it. I never thought any girl could be that way. So when you lied to me, the perfect picture I had of you was shattered. You weren't perfect anymore. You were only human. You hurt me worse than anyone, ever."
"I'm sorry," Hermione whispered.
"No," Sirius said huskily. "It was me. I made you out to be perfect. You couldn't do anything wrong in my book. I was wrong to think that."
"I used to think you were perfect, too," Hermione confessed. "After we got together I elevated you to god status. Then when I saw you with Jennifer I thought you had used me. That I was nothing to you."
Sirius' eyes grew red. "How could you think that? You know you mean everything to me." "If that's true, then why did you refuse to listen to me? When you love someone, you listen to them. You don't lose faith in them."
Sirius sighed heavily. Hermione went on. "If you had cared about me at all, you would not have gone with Jennifer so soon."
"I left you because you lied to me! I lost my trust in you! You weren't the only one hurt in this relationship!" Sirius yelled.
Hermione threw up her hands in frustration. "You said you'd listen to me, and we're still at square one! Do you want to be with me? Do you truly want to make this work?"
Sirius didn't answer for a minute. The word 'yes' was on the tip of his tongue.
"I'm not sure," he finally admitted.
"But do you love me?" Hermione asked.
He couldn't lie. "Yes."
Hermione nodded slowly. "I love you too, Sirius. I love you enough to say that if you don't want to work this out I'll let you go." She pointed to the door. "If you want to go, go."
Sirius started to the door. He reached for the handle, then slowly turned.
"I don't want to go," he admitted.
Hermione looked slightly happier. "All right, then. Let's try to get through this."
Silence reigned again. Sirius reached for Hermione's hand. Their fingers grazed together, heat formulating. Then they both pulled their hands away.
Sirius sat on the stone floor, and Hermione sunk heavily next to him. "We really made a mess of this, didn't we?"
Hermione nodded mutely. They danced around the issue again. "I found one of your old notes."
"The ones I sent from detention?" Sirius asked.
"Yes."
"You kept them?"
"All thirty."
Sirius nodded, a tiny smile forming on his face. "I want to be able to trust you like that again."
"So do I," Hermione replied. "But I want you to stop jumping to conclusions. You have to learn to trust me. I love you. I would never intentionally hurt you, and I wish you'd known that before you stopped talking to me."
"I'm sorry. I know I was terrible." Sirius didn't know what to say.
"I want to get your trust back," Hermione said softly.
Sirius' eyes were red. "It'll take some time. I just want you to be patient with me. I promise I won't jump to conclusions again."
"That's easier said than done," Hermione said gently. "What are you going to do the next time I talk to Severus?"
Sirius stiffened and looked anguished. "I. . .I'll try to remember that you love me."
Hermione smiled. "Good. That's a good start. And I will try to remember to trust you enough to be able to confide in you."
The sunlight streamed inside the tower and warmed Sirius and Hermione.
"This is a new start," Sirius commented. He finally broke out into a smile.
Hermione smiled through her tears. "Yes. A new start. We'll be even stronger."
They watched the grounds below, and the sun as it danced across the glittery snow. Hermione shivered as she saw the frozen lake.
"You're never going to go skating again, are you?" Sirius murmured beside her.
Hermione gave an imperceptible nod. He often knew what she was thinking.
Sirius stood by Hermione, deep in thought. Then, slowly, gently, he took her hand. He held it gingerly, in case she felt it was too soon. Sirius gave a slow smile as Hermione clasped his hand firmly.