THE ADVENTURES OF KEN-SAIGUMI!!

DISCLAIMER: RUROUNI KENSHIN IS MY FAVORITE ANIME. WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME SAY OVER AND OVER THAT I . DON'T . OWN. IT . . . ? (cries) I also have a disclaimer on my bio, so no suing. ;P

AN: don't expect ANYthing. Expect EVERYthing. Just thought I'd let you know. Does contain EXTREME sessions of OOCness on Kenshin/Battousai's part. And Kaoru may be more in-character than usual. If that's possible. Don't worry, ALL confusion will be somehow explained by the end. My first one shot would be an insane humor fic. I warned you. Domo

Kaoru looked around the dojo, wondered where Kenshin was. He was supposed to clean the classroom today. He KNEW she had new students for the dojo coming over the next day. Yahiko was doing his job after three hours of pestering and guilting him into it. She thought that at least Kenshin----

She turned at the sound of a small flourish. There, in front of her was a white cape with the bright red letter "B" stamped smack in the middle. Unfortunately, there were unmistakable locks of red hair hanging over it. "Kenshin?"

"Who is this 'Kenshin' you speak of?" a warped voice of the rurouni asked.

"BAKA, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AND WHY IN JIGOKU ARE YOU WEARING A CAPE?!" she shrieked, she was about to take out her bokuto, but Kenshin turned around. One yellow eye. One blue. WHAT?! "K-Kenshin?"

"I am not Kenshin. I'm HITOKIRI," he began, pointing to a white headband with the red letter "H". "BATTOUSAI," he finished, flashing his cape.

Kaoru stood there with her jaw slightly agape. What in the world was going on?!

"Hm," H-B pondered. "Being a lone assassin that works for no one and only has a saka-batou is very boring, wouldn't you say, Tanuki Girl?"

"Nani?!"

"Yes, that's right, the leader of a notorious gang of assassins needs a girlfriend. You shall fill that position and your name is Tanuki-Chan," he said with a sly grin, grabbing her by the waist.

Kaoru didn't believe she was about to do this but...she took her bokuto, smacked him a good one on the head and ran for it.

"SANOSUKE!!!! YAHIKO!!!!!!"

"How'd Jou-Chan know I was here?" Sano asked of Yahiko.

"Gee, I don't know, you stupid thug," Yahiko snapped, lookin up from his share of the laundry.

"She sounded kinda stressed and she usually calls for----Shimata!" (AN: S!)

"What?"

"Kenshin! Nandayo?!" (AN: what the h are you doing?!)

Yahiko's jaw dropped to the floor and he dropped his work. "Kenshin?! What rotted in your brain?!"

"AH!" Kenshin declared. "My bright-eyed followers!" he added, running over.

Speechlessness. Silence. Not even crickets. Awkward speechlessness. He had finally snapped.

"AHAH!" he exclaimed, taking out a white strip of cloth big enough to cover someone's head. He took the crude mask and threw it over Sano's head. "YOU shall me my trusted and loyal sidekick! Zanza-Kun!"

More speechlessness. More silence. The crickets twitched their legs as they laid on their backs. More awkward speechlessness. He wanted them to snap too.

"And you!" he said, pointing to Yahiko, taking out something no one really recognized, tossing it on the young boy's head. "Our mascot! Your name: Kozu-Chan!"

Yahiko felt the thing on his head. Monkey ears?

Even more speechlessness. Even more silence. The crickets that were about to die now flipped over and hopped away as if nothing happened. Why were his eyes two different colors?

"KENSHIN!!" Kaoru's voice bellowed from the side of the dojo.

"Yes, Tanuki-Chan?"

"YOU BROKE MY BOKUTO!!"

Kenshin let out a pseudo evil cackle. "Why, Tanuki-Chan, don't be silly! I haven't touched your bokuto!"

Kaoru sprouted raccoon ears, anger-knotted, and started fuming at the ears as she held up her bokuto, now in splinters.

"Well, that explains the knot on his head," Sano said, taking off the makeshift mask.

"I'M NOT LITTLE!!!" Yahiko screamed.

Sano gave him a strange look. "That was kinda late, Kozu-Chan."

"YARO!!!" With that, Yahiko jumped on the fighter's head and began gnawing at his head. After a few moments of gnawing, Sano yanked him off and pointed across the dojo. "What?"

"You see that wall?"

"Yeah..."

"Good." Kenshin and Kaoru stopped arguing over the bokuto as Yahiko flew between them and through a wall.

"Yahiko!" Kaoru exclaimed, walking through the wreckage.

"Kenshin," Sano said, walking over. "You okay?"

"I'm not Kenshin," the small samurai explained again.

"That may be. But, I ain't callin' you Battousai. You seem like both Kenshin and Battousai. What about Ken-Sai? That okay?"

"Perfect secret identity, Zanza-Kun!" Ken-Sai declared, throwing a fist in the air. "And our band of hitokiri is called Ken-Saigumi!!"

Kaoru walked out of the pile of wall and Yahiko sat up. "Band of...what?"

"Hitokiri. It comes with the title for sidekicks too! Hitokiri Tanuki, Hitokiri Zanza, and Hitokiri Kozu!" Pause. "Why do you all look so down-hearted?"

"NANI?!" Kaoru screamed.

Sano put a hand over her mouth. "We're just so honored we're speechless," he explained, turning to Kaoru, whispering in her ear. "Jou-Chan, just humor...them."

"KENSHIN'S GONE SCHIZO!!" Yahiko shrieked.

Kenshin walked over to Sano. "Zanza-Kun, who said you could touch Tanuki-Chan?"

Kaoru's eyes widened. Why did that scare her?

"Oh, sorry...Ken-Sai," he said, realizing he still had his hand over Kaoru's mouth. "Sorry, Jou-Chan," he said, taking his hand off.

"D-..." Kaoru started, not sure what to say. "DON'T COME NEAR ME!!" she said, placing herself behind Sano and Yahiko.

"Say, Ken...Sai," Sano started, still trying to get used to the stupid nickname. "Why don't you let Jou-chan get used to all this, okay?"

"Stand back, Sanosuke!" Kaoru said sternly.

Sano lifted a thick eyebrow and looked behind him. Kaoru stood there with a stern look. Although the way she "innocently" held her arms behind her back said she wasn't completely defenseless...

The fighter shrugged and got out of the way.

"Ah, Tanuki-chan, I knew you'd come to your senses..." the red-haired rurouni/Battousai said, walking over, throwing his arms around the assistant master of the Kamiya-Kashiin-ryu.

Sano's eyes bulged and Yahiko let out an "Ow!" as Kenshin flew backwards onto the ground, doubled up in pain. "Right in the stomach!"

Sano shook his head. "Yahiko, that wasn't his stomach."

"Oro...?"

"Kenshin!" Kaoru screamed.

"I'll never get women..." Yahiko muttered.

"That wasn't a woman, that was a mood swing..." Sano explained.

"Nani?"

"Kaoru-dono, I didn't do anything strange, did I?" a disoriented Kenshin asked, his stupid headband tilted to the left. He took the strip of cloth off and stared at it, even more confused. "Never mind, de gozaru na..."

"Kenshin, what happened?" Kaoru asked. If Kenshin was confused...what was the fope for the rest of them??"

"I don't know...I was doing the laundry, preparing to clean the classroom when Yahiko started to fight with Sano. Knowing that they would most likely mess up my hard work and also knowing that it was my duty to keep the dojo clean...I can't recall what happened, but I blacked out and the next thing I know...I'm wearing a cape?"

Kaoru, Sano, and Yahiko glanced at each other then looked back to Kenshin.

"At least I don't have to wear these stupid monkey ears to keep Kenshin sane..." Yahiko growled, ripping off the monkey ears.

"I know I look like a yakuza thug, but you don't have to rub it in..." Sano added in mock emotional pain, taking off the make shift mask.

Kenshin and Kaoru watched as Yahiko and Sano walked off.

"Kaoru-dono..."

"Yes Kenshin?"

"I didn't do anything...strange...to you...did I?"

"..."

THE END

(AN: heh...Kaoru and Kenshin are my favorite anime couple, tee hee. Anywho. Please review. Remember, this is technically my first one shot. Tell me what you think, please...or Ken-Sai may just find out where you live...or he may get confused.... .