Alright, first of all, thanks to my wonderful reviewer DVL, I'm finally using Laamgarnus' real name, Raamganas.

Chapter 5: Love

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Ram's POV

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I grunted lightly at the effort expended to open a door while carrying fire-wood and the few winter herbs that had survived the snowfall. Nudging the door close with my elbow, I walked forward taking care to not make a sound as I set the wood quietly in the hole in the hearth, adding a couple sticks to the smoldering fire in the fire-place.

That done, I began to quietly wash the dishes and pick up around the log cabin that was my home, dropping things where they belonged and making sure things were as orderly as I could possibly make them. Which wasn't all that orderly to be truthful.

All this care to be quiet was for the small body that rested fitfully in my bed, hair damp with perspiration, gray face flushed as he muttered incoherent phrases in his feverish sleep, sheets clinging to his small frame.

Gil. My Gil. Sleeping like a baby, I smiled warmly, humming very softly as I finished tidying up. He moaned almost inaudibly, but in my attentive state I heard it and rushed to the bedside, checking quickly for any signs of worsening health.

"Barl... play... with us..." he mumbled his head cocking in his sleep. Mine did too, out of curiosity. This was the second time he'd mentioned 'Barl'. The first time it had been during his nightmare, when he'd asked Barl to help him. Which mean that this Barl was someone Gil thought of as safe. Hm... I was curious now, but wasn't sure if it would be my place to ask. I shrugged, I had no intentions of prying where I wasn't wanted, but I did want to know more about Gil. I'd ask him sometime, it seemed like a safe enough subject.

My hand reached out, stroking his face softly. Then I sighed and stood up, now assured that he was fine, and sleeping well enough. It had been my fault that he'd gotten worse... I mean, his health had been bad enough when I took him outside, but then I had to be the idiot and let it get worse... I cringed guiltily.

Shaking my head, walked back outside, taking a coat on my way out. It was nice outside, the land covered in a permanent frozen white powder, but it was rather nice. Just below freezing, but my youkai body could take it just fine. The sky was a clear, shining azure, promising to stay that way by the smell of the wind.

Logs of firewood shifted underneath me as I sat on them, looking up at the sky and just taking a breather. My life was pretty easy going. I had plenty of time to just goof off, and relax. Less now that I had Gil around, but since he was sleeping, and I had nothing better to do... And I was hardly ever bothered by other demons. Mostly because this was rather near Saabel's forest, and because there was never any action here.

I'd met Saabel on a couple occasions, and he struck me as pretty interesting. A bit eccentric, but an all around nice guy, funny. He didn't bother me, in any case, and that's all that mattered. There were, however, a number of demons that cruised through these woods all the time, it wasn't like I was completely isolated. I was just never bothered by trouble-making demons. Which was just fine by me, I thought, leaning back in a stretch.

I blinked, catching sight of a long pole-like wooden weapon. I hadn't practiced in a while. I needed to begin training again, it'd been two week's since I'd last picked that thing up. I never knew when training might come in useful. Such as the night I found Gil. The only thing that had saved me from getting severely butchered by those demons was that I understood that you had to keep in shape if you wanted to survive in this world. Standing up, I reached out to pick the weapon. It wasn't all that long, a bit longer than my arm. Made out of hard wood, metal knobs at the ends. Sliding my feet into a battling stance, I concentrated, keeping my eyes on the long-worn target on the tree.

I swung it back a forth with the ease of long practice, if my speed was a bit lacking. Twirling it about my hands, I set about to swing it in a long series of complicated swirls and blows, each and every one hitting the bull's eye, or the vicinity. I continued this for a while longer, liking the way the cold air kept my body from sweating and becoming over-heated, instead refreshing me. I wondered if Gil had a certain weapon he'd specialized in. Probably so, but I doubted he'd want to pick it up. He most likely didn't want to ever fight again. Neither did I, but I had to know some sort of self-defense, we were youkai's for Kainaldia's sake, not exactly a peaceful race, and as such, bound to get into trouble whether we liked it or not. So if we weren't the ones attacking, then we'd be the ones attacked, and for that we had to be ready. My gaze hardened, as well as my heart, shutting in painful emotions before they had a chance to get out.

I remembered a time when we were the attackers, and I remembered a time we were the attacked. Both times, the 'we' was comprised of different people, but each occasion was of a painful remembrance. I sighed, sitting down, my breathing coming out in slight pants. My weapon discarded at my side.

I was a hypocrite and I knew it. Always saying to talk out your feelings, and I believed it too. I felt that the path to healing was admitting you're hurt first. And talking about it, and letting it out. But I was a hypocrite in that I did not follow my own advice. I wanted to, I wished I could. But I wasn't ready to start healing yet. My head hung, staring at the clear white snow, pure and beautiful, and tried to think about something else.

It didn't matter. For now I was happy, and relieved, and had finally found something to live for. I wasn't suicidal, but I was a bit depressed. I lived alone, in the middle of the woods. I was lonely. But I was safe here from Nadil's army, and that's what I cared about more than being lonely. Technically, I was still in Nadil's army, but I had been kind of... thrown away, because I had been useless as a soldier or guard. Too kind, they had said, and I laughed. Because being kind was wrong, I thought sarcastically. I was a bit bitter on the subject.

In any case, I thought idly, tracing lines in the powdered snow, if they had cast me out of the army and told me to leave, then that was their problem. I was happier this way, because killing wasn't my deal. It was cruel and unjust... and that was exactly what Nadil's army was. We were demons, and killing one another and being cruel was in our blood. I wondered what had gone wrong with me, that it wasn't in my blood. I shouldn't have cared, I should have been a soldier, and killed for fun without it bothering me... I shook my head, confused at where this was coming from. I didn't like to kill, I didn't want to hurt another creature, I wasn't a normal youkai, so what? It was almost like I was convincing myself to get over it. Was I regretting being alone?

But then I heard a panicked, "Ram?" from inside, and I smiled. I wasn't regretting anything anymore, because I wasn't alone.

"I'm here!" I called back, and stood up so that he could see me through the window. He smiled, relieved, and settled back into the bed. I walked back inside, realizing that I was cold as the warm heat of the fire blasted into me, "Whatcha need?" I said, hanging up my coat and walking over, sitting in the chair next to the bed. He sat up slowly, blankets pooling around him.

Gil's golden eye blinked and then he yawned, "Nothing really... I just woke up... and you weren't here..."

His voice was vibrant, low, but pure, condensed. Husky in a way as well. But very childlike in how soft and low it was. I ruffled his hair and kissed his forehead, "You have a beautiful voice."

He blushed, his face almost matching his hair. I laughed, settling back into the chair, "Anyway, sorry about that. I was outside, enjoying the fresh air. Training a bit too. So, how are you?"

"Better," he said, a small smile on his lips. He drew the blankets closer to himself, "Comfortable."

"Good," I smiled at him, taking up his hand and leaning back, contending myself to simply tracing the scars on his hand, "Kitty'll be as good as new soon."

I was surprised when his hand was abruptly snatched from mine and I opened my eyes to look at him with a surprised look on my face.

He was cradling his hand, looking at down at the bed with a troubled look in his face, his eye hazing with pained storm clouds, his body swaying and trembling.

"Please... don't call me that..." he whispered, wrapping the covers forcefully around himself, shutting his eye closed. He swallowed before opening his mouth again, "The- the guards called me that."

I stared for a moment, before leaning over and holding his unmoving form in my arms, cradling him, whispering 'sorry's and apologies, "I'm sorry... think about something else, anything else..."

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Gil's POV

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So many phrases where bouncing in my head, all jeered in harsh tones, mocking, the voices that would forever haunt me. They had called my kitty. It was their stupid taunting name for me. Shyrendora's cat. Her useless kitty. I closed my eye, feeling breathless, the depression I only associated with my time in Nadil's army washing over me. Oh please, no, I didn't want to think about that.

Lean, strong arms wrapped around me, holding me securely, bringing comfort. I leaned in, feeling tired again, images and voices swimming in my head, hard as I was trying to block the out. It hurt, so much... I wanted to live here, with Raamganas, I realized suddenly. I never wanted to go back to the army, to that horrible depressing darkness.

"I'm sorry... think about something else, anything else..."

I couldn't think of anything else. That past held onto me so tightly I couldn't help but hold back, even though I was screaming to let go. Sometimes, things were so embedded in you that even if you hated them with all your soul they were still a part of you, and you could never get rid of it. That was what my past was like. I felt tears threatening to slip from my eyes, and tried to fight them back, but he noticed them and rubbed my back softly. It would always be there.

"Cry."

I shook my head, "Thanks to you, I don't need to," I said and smiled at him, my lips still unused to the exercise. He looked dumbfounded for a moment, and I guessed it was surprise at my smile. In truth, I hadn't been expecting it either.

He looked at me softly then, before grinning widely, "You smiled," he said accusingly, his smiled still playing on his beautiful long face.

"You're rubbing off on me," I said softly. He ruffled my head again.

"Good, we need to see more of your smiles, Kitten," he glanced at me for a second, but I nodded, showing it was alright now. It wasn't Kitten that reminded me of them, it was the other name.

I laid back down, cringing at the pain in my abdomen. My body was still pretty much broken, and the painkillers where wearing off. Raamganus watched me from underneath his lavender bangs.

"You want the anesthetics?"

I grumbled and nodded a yes.

"I hate that stuff too," he chuckled, getting up to rummage for the bitter tasting medicine and a glass of water, dropping in the crushed mint leaves as well.

"I hate being sick..." I finally said. I really, really, did. I was tired, but restless, and my sight was somewhat blurry, and if I moved my head too much, then it hurt. I growled lightly under my breath, feeling like a child. I really hated being sick.

But then I looked up at Ram and saw him give me a sympathetic look and turned my head away, embarrassed.

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Ram's POV

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Coming back to him with the medicine and some bread for myself, I sat on the bed instead of the chair.

"Here," I handed him the medicine which he glared at ineffectively as if trying to force it to taste better before gulping it all down as quickly as he could. I, on the other hand, had something good to put in my mouth.

"What's that?" he asked, looking somewhat drowsy now.

"Sweet bread. I'm a sugar addict," I smiled and too another bite of the sweetened fluff. He wrinkled his nose.

"Sugar? On bread?"

I put on a hurt look, "Yeah, so?"

He looked away distractedly, "Nothing."

"Are you going to go back to sleep?"

Gil sighed, crimson hair spilling into his eyes and settled back into the bed, laying on his side, arm draped over the edge of the bed, "I... I don't know. I feel restless..."

I had an idea, and scrambled for my bed-side drawer, rummaging through all the scraps of paper and candies, and what-not, and finally came out with something.

Gil just stared at me, then at the object in my hands, "What the heck is that?"

"It's a rubber band. Greatest thing to play around with when you're bored or restless," I announced, presenting it to him.

"Don't tell me you amuse yourself with this?" he looked at me flatly.

"Hey, it's fun," I returned gleefully.

I watched him stare at me incredulously before he began playing with it, stretching it around his hands and pretty much just fooling around with it. He seemed content enough with it.

"See? You can keep yourself occupied with that," I said in a final tone. Plunking down at the foot of the bed, I decided to ask.

"Who's Barl?"

He looked up immediately, complete surprise and shock in his face.

"How do you know about him?"

I shrugged nonchalantly. At least his tone hadn't been suspicious or accusing, only surprised, "You've mentioned him a couple times in your sleep."

Gil looked at his hands sadly, the rubber band entwined in the still hands, "He was my younger brother," he suddenly looked at me intensely, "Did you know, I used to be human?"

Now this was news to me. He's smelled partly human... but I hadn't been too sure, and had completely forgotten to ask or even think about it.

"You used to be human?" I repeated, "How did that happen?"

"This?" he looked at himself, then his gaze ran to the window, outside, "I... was in the woods one day... and I was captured, I was only... nineteen at the time," he laughed bitterly, "I can't even remember how old I was, it feels like it was in another lifetime..." I reached out, touching his shoulder lightly, and he glimpsed at me for a moment before he sighed lightly and returned to looking out, and continued, "I had been searching for one of Barl's toys, which he'd thrown into the woods. It was sunny, and nice... and I hadn't been expecting anything bad to happen... And while I was there, a human named Garfakcy-"

"Wait, you mean you were captured by Kharl the Alchemist?" my eyes widened in surprise.

He nodded, still gazing outside with a sort of calmness about him, a sorrowful calmness, his eyes storming over, "Garfakcy put me to sleep, and next thing I knew I was in Kharl's castle, all the way over in Arinas. And then...he made me a youkai."

I realized that there was a lot I was missing, and that he wasn't going to elaborate anytime soon. He had included so many details about everything else, then just said, 'I was made into a youkai' without elaborating anymore. That just showed how painful it was to talk about it... from a human to a youkai...

"I guess... you must hate youkai..." I said quietly. He closed his eyes for a moment.

"Yeah. I do. But... not you," he gave me a soft look, and for once, it was I who felt warmth rushing into my face, "You're almost human."

"In the way I act?" I said, my own bitterness rising up. He blinked.

"What's wrong?"

I gave a frustrated sigh and ran my hands through my hair, "I'm sorry... To tell you the truth, I guess I'm still kind of confused about myself. I mean... I like the way I am. I don't want to hurt anything unnecessarily, and I'm not some cruel freak like most other youkai, and I'm happily not ready to kill something and be some ruthless soldier in Nadil's army. But..." I paused, wringing my hands in my lap, struggling to put my conflicting feelings into words, "I guess sometimes I wish that it wasn't that way. I wish I could fit in and live with other youkai in peace, being myself... that I hadn't been rejected all my life..."

I laughed, trying to wave it off, "But that's a wish in vain, and vain wishes only cause heartache. Guess I gotta get over the fact I'm not wanted once and for all."

I stared at my lap, trying to dispel the heaviness and grief that always clawed at my heart whenever I thought of my past, my childhood...

I started as Gil was suddenly in my lap, sitting gingerly on it, the bed sinking with our combined weight. His golden orb was a whirlpool of sympathy and reassurance, sadness for me tinting the edges.

"I'm sorry..." he murmured into my ear, wrapping his arms shyly around me, leaning into me so comfortingly that for a moment I just sat still with shock, before being washed over with a feeling so warm and kind, and I didn't feel left out or alone anymore.

I threw my arms around him, pulling him to me as tightly as I could, mindful of his injuries, burrowing my face in his beautifully soft hair, drinking in his human scent, loving the way he made me feel needed and not rejected.

"If... if you weren't the way you are... then I'd be dead..." he whispered, "I... I like you the way you are. I don't want you to change..."

I knew my hazel eyes were wide, because I hadn't felt liked like this in so long... too long.

"Kitten... I don't know what I would have done if you weren't here... Finding you is the only reward being myself has ever given me..." I whispered back, kissing his neck softly, then pulling him back a bit, gazing at him with gratitude in my eyes. I leaned down, brushing his lips barely with mine.

His blush was the deepest one I'd seen yet, but all he did was gaze back at me, a look of wonder in his face, lips barely parted, and then he smiled, full of wonder, and leaned his head back on my shoulder, re-wrapping his arms around me, holding tightly. I hugged him back, his warm breath heating my neck, sending shivers down my back. He loved me for who I was.

"Love you, Kitten."

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Gil's POV

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I didn't really know what I was doing in his lap, arms wrapped around him, feeling his larger body curled above me, but all I wanted to do was comfort him from the anguish crying in his voice, in his beautiful hazel orbs. He always comforted me, and I wanted to... return the favor. I didn't want to see him like that. I stared back at him, entrusting myself to him completely. I didn't know why his gaze was sending my mind into a whirl, making my heart beat faster...

As if in slow motion, I saw him lean down, kissing me so softly it was almost like the wind was touching my lips, and then he pulled back and I just stared back, my mind black except for the electricity rushing through my body. I knew I was blushing horribly, but I didn't care.

I liked it... he'd kissed me... I couldn't help but smile at him with true happiness, and then lean my head gently against the crook of his neck reaching my arms up around his back tightly, not wanting to let go of the wonderful feeling washing over me like the warm sea. My head felt light with exhilaration, and I just loved him for being with me, for saving me, and caring for me like no one ever had.

I felt his arms around me too, cradling me ever so gently, my bangs entwining with his hair in front of my eyes, symbolic of our position at the moment, and I couldn't help but sight feather-lightly and close my eyes.

"Love you, Kitten," I heard, and his arms squeezed tighter, and I felt like I could just drown in him forever.