Author: Crimson Lipstick
Rating: PG –13
Category: Angst/Tragedy
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN X-MEN.
Summary: Chronicles Rogue's life from the beginning of her downward spiral to her tragic death…
TheDreamerLady: Thanks for both of your reviews!! They really inspired me to write better. And you love it? Awwww :-) Thelonious: My characters are well developed? Cool. I hope you like this new chapter. Fizzleup: You've really made me think. I meant to explain everything in the third chapter, but I must have forgotten. Anyway I've tried to answer all your questions in this chapter. Read on to see. Me: Hope I didn't take too long updating. Naemis: I'm definitely going to continue this. Good you like it. Maeris:You noticed how I used Britney's Toxic! This is the new chapter – I personally think this is where the real story starts. FelineFire82: Thankyou for all of your reviews. And no this story is not going to waste. Tara: Great you're interested. Anastasia: First of all I really like your name. Second, it's so great that all of you like this story! Lily: I hope it gets even more interesting. Kaffeine: Somehow your review didn't end up in my inbox. And thanks for the compliment – I tried hard to incorporate both personalities.The Awakener Viari: I updated as soon as I had the time
And lastly thanks again for everyone who reviewed. I didn't expect to get so many!! I honestly thought hardly anyone was reading this and now I have definite reason to continue. Please review this chapter, once you've finished reading it! As I said before they are appreciated and now I know people truly are reading this. So don't forget to review!
IMPORTANT STORY NOTE:
So I went back and changed it to June, so now the story at this present moment is set in mid to late July. Hopefully that's not too confusing…
Chapter 4
ONE WEEK LATER…
Everything was going from bad to worse.
Rogue felt more alone than ever. Logan, Bobby and Jamie weren't talking to her. Jean seemed to have forgotten she had existed- and Scott too come to think of it. Scott and Storm seemed too worried about her to be of any useful help. She hadn't seen much of the Professor lately, but twice she had felt his presence in her mind. Both times her response had been anything but polite.
Kitty was the only person Rogue had left to talk to, but Lance had finally gotten his act together and asked her out, so she was becoming scarcer by the day. It was school holidays so Jubilee was visiting her family.
Rogue was mad, depressed and annoyed with everything. She didn't know what from and she thought this was as good as any time to try to figure what was causing her to act like this. She thought it was mainly from the fact that she couldn't touch, from the fact that she had managed to piss off her friends and also from the fact her mind had started playing tricks on her – illusions on the scales.
The nausea hit her again and she blanched.
She closed her eyes and leant over the toilet once again. These past few days she had been feeling awfully sick. She hadn't mentioned this to anyone. They would probably just panic, or overreact and say that she should eat more. Which of course was a total lie because Rogue felt as if she were the average weight, or even a little bit more, of someone her height. In any case, she decided to just wait this out. There were a million other reasons that could be causing this; including her lack of sleep.
The word 'sleep' caused her to yawn. She removed her head from over the toilet and sighed, wishing that she had the energy she once possessed.
She wasn't having the nightmares every night, but they were still common enough and had become worse. The nightmares would wake her up instantaneously in the middle of the night and there she would lie there for the rest of the night, unable to get back to sleep for fear of having another nightmare.
Ah gotta get out more.
She retched suddenly and leant forward.
Past experiences had given her initiative to tie her hair back, whenever she felt these urges.
Nothing came out, so she leant back and rested her hands on her thighs. She took a deep breath and stood up. Pulling her hair out of her ponytail, she brushed it in the main mirror, Frowning she found a bit sticking out and quickly picked up the handheld mirror, to get a closer view.
Rogue dropped the mirror in shock.
SMASH!
Shards of glass littered the floor. Rogue swore.
Good thing Ah don't believe in that seven-year shit.
"Rogue! Sorry for like slamming the door. You okay? I heard something like break."
Rogue looked mournfully at the glass lying on the floor.
"Yeah, I'll be fine."
"Okay. Bye!"
Kitty went out again, thankfully closing the door softly.
She bent down to pick up the bigger pieces before dragging over the vacuum, when she paused. The piece she was about to pick up was not only large but also sharp.
Could it…?
Rogue shook her head. Her life was already screwed up. She didn't need this as well.
But… but could this solve her problems? Could this help her?
She'd heard…
Gingerly she picked it up and lightly touched her fingertips to the edge.
It is sharp. Ah better put it back.
But she didn't. Instead she held it up and examined it in the light, as if not quite sure if it were real. All four sides were jagged, though one was even more so.
She pulled off her left glove and held the piece in her right, hovering it over her wrist.
Curiosity overwhelmed her. She moved the glass right, in a swift motion.
"Ah!"
She held her breath.
The pain was immense. Bu the stinging pain was the worse. It wouldn't stop, it throbbed. Rogue bit her lip to stop any sound escaping from her mouth,
Rogue had a feeling that she was lucky not to have cut a deeper cut as the pain would have been unbearable, or so she though.
The blood itself poured out in a steady run. It wouldn't stop and soaked through the tissues that Rogue had used to apply pressure. The blood landed in the sink, with a tiny slash. Rogue quickly turned on the tap, hoping to wash it away.
It still stung, though the pain had subsided and Rogue knew then that she had made a terrible mistake. It hadn't relived the pain at whole. The heavy feeling in her heart was still there.
Unfortunately.
She vowed never to do anything so stupid again.
And maybe she should have written that promise down.
THREE DAYS LATER….
Rogue walked out of her maths class, laden with books. Even though it was the summer holidays, Scott had been running a tuition program, for anyone who felt they could improve their skills. Rogue had joined; there wasn't anything else to do, especially when she couldn't go swimming. Besides since of late, she hadn't really been in the mood for socializing. There was way too much on her mind.
"Rogue!" Logan appeared in front of her.
"What? Are you stalking me?" Rogue stepped sideways and kept on walking.
He grabbed her hand and she was forcefully reminded of Bobby.
"Ow!" Rogue pulled away as his fingers touched the scars through her gloves.
"Kid, I didn't grab yer that hard," Logan frowned.
He grabbed her upper arm and led her gently into an empty classroom.
"You didn't," Rogue paused and closed the door, before sitting on a desk "Ah just over reacted. So what do you want?"
"I don't know," Logan shrugged, "To talk."
Rogue closed her eyes briefly, "Logan, Ah'm sorry. Ah didn't mean tah say that – Ah was upset. Ah-"
"Kid?" Logan sat next to her.
"Yeah?"
"Don't apologize. It's my fault. I shouldn't have come back and dumped this all on yer. I-"
"Logan?" whispered Rogue.
"Yeah?" Logan touched her hand lightly.
"Don't apologize."
Logan grinned, but a shadow hung in his eyes.
Ah know what he's thinking.
"Nothing is wrong with me," Rogue said firmly.
"Rogue," Logan sighed, proving she was right, "Marie. It's just that you've changed and - and there's something about you, that doesn't seem right. I'm not insulting you or anything, kid, but…"
"It's been six months since you were last here. People do change in that amount of time, you know."
"I know. And I'm sorry," Logan paused, his eyes lost in thought as if making a decision. He spoke suddenly, "But I promise you kid that I'm not going to go anywhere for awhile, this time at least. You know I'm beginning to kind of like it around here…" Logan pulled out a cigar.
Rogue looked at him.
"What?" Logan looked down at the cigar, "They can't kill me."
But she just smiled brightly and hugged him.
"Thanks."
Logan frowned, confused but responded the hug nonetheless.
"What's going on?"
Scott walked into the classroom, his visor fixed on Logan and Rogue.
"I hardly think we're breaking the law," Logan said.
If Ah were a couple of years younger then we would be, sugah
"I don't trust what your version of the laws is," Scott replied.
Rogue's temper slowly began to rise.
First he interrupts and now they're arguing!
"Nothing. What do you want?"
And Ah thought Scott couldn't say anything stupider. Can't he just leave, if he has nothing useful tah say?
"Nothing."
"Then why did you come back?" The manner in which Scott said that question sounded as if it were a question that had been on his mind for a long time.
Her anger increased.
"What the hell do you think, Summers? Why do you think I came back?" Logan said sarcastically, turning away from Rogue and facing his opponent
"My fiancée perhaps?" Scott said coolly, "Perhaps you'd like to leave, Logan."
Her temper reached boiling point.
Logan smiled, "Have it your way, Cyke."
Her temper snapped violently.
"Do you two ever SHUT THE HELL UP??"
Rogue had no idea she could shout so loud.
Logan and Scott stopped.
And stared.
It was a moment before either of them could say anything.
"Rogue…"
"Kid?"
"Just leave me alone!"
Rogue flew into her room and slammed the door shut.
She knew what she had to do.
Luckily for her Kitty wasn't in the bathroom or even the bedroom.
She walked quickly to the bathroom door and immediately locked it.
She had hidden it under a loose tile, near the shower.
The shard of glass.
This time she didn't even hesitate. She pulled off the glove and threw it the corner, before slicing her right wrist.
Rogue was sick of everything. And most of all sick of the way she couldn't speak to someone without snapping. She didn't want to push people away, but she couldn't help it.
She held her breath again, but this time it was almost in a hidden ecstasy.
Because this time it felt different. The pain was still there, but in doing so Rogue felt as if she had resolved some of her own personal pain. It was like she could cure the emotional pain she felt, by being distracted from it.
Everything between her and Logan had been going fine until Scott had to come and screw everything up. Now Logan probably wouldn't be speaking to her again. And why did Logan and Scott have to argue all the time?
Oh yes. Jean Grey.
Rogue pulled off her other glove and picked up the glass again. This time she turned her wrist over, so the blade was facing her veins.
Her skin split open
She ignored the pain.
She was sick of being the way she was. Sick of hating herself. Sick of snapping at everyone.
She wanted to go back to way she was before, but with everyday it seemed harder and harder.
She looked at the blood, angry and reckless. With a surge of anger she stuck out her tongue.
And then she licked the blood clean off both wrists, swallowing with satisfaction.
And then she stopped.
And stared in horror.
She slumped down on the floor with her back to the door. She lost track of time as she sat there in a numb trance. She was faintly aware of Kitty walking into the bedroom and of her announcing her presence
She brought her knees to her chest and sat there motionless, suddenly horrified. The beautiful blue bathroom seemed tainted as the red contrasted with it.
She didn't move and instead waited for more time to pass. She was too tired in strength and mind to get up. In short she couldn't be stuffed.
Knock, knock.
Someone tugged at the door handle only to discover the door was locked.
Her heart stopped.
"Rogue! Can I like come in?" Kitty asked.
Rogue froze, doubling over in panic.
"Rogue?" Kitty sighed.
Rogue thought fast.
"Ah'm not changed – Ah'm going tah have my shower."
"You've been in for like so long and yet you haven't even like started your shower?"
"Yeah."
Silence.
"Oookay," Kitty sounded doubtful, "I'll go to Rahne's and Jubes' bathroom."
"Bye."
Rogue waited for the door to close before letting out her breath. She tilted her head back onto the door and thanked god silently.
The blood kept on dripping, but at a slower pace.
At last Rogue had found a true friend.
The sharp edge.
Her Saviour.
THAT AFTERNOON....
"Rogue?" Kitty said softly as she walked back into the bedroom to grab her bag. She was wearing her towel and bikini top, "I'm going to like go now. You sure you don't want to like come?"
Rogue looked up at her friend, from where she was sitting on the bed. While she may have changed mentally in the last month or so Kitty had changed physically. She had taken Jubilee's advice and dyed her hair dark brown and then she had cut it stylishly just above her shoulders. Her attitude had however stayed the same; carefree and happy, though lately she had been tiptoeing around Rogue, as if she were a glass vase balancing on the edge of a cliff.
Rogue had a feeling Scott or Storm had spoken a few words to her.
"Sure," Rogue smiled thinly, "Go swimming. Summer's going tah end really soon, use it tah your advantage."
Kitty stood still, "Maybe I shouldn't…."
"Kit-Kat, go!"
"Rogue…"
Rogue raised one eyebrow, "Lance will be waiting."
Kitty gave her one last painful look before leaving.
In reality, Rogue didn't mind. Even when she didn't have her powers, she wasn't very keen on swimming.
When Ah didn't have mah powers.
Rogue stopped and rested her head on the wall behind her bed. She thought back to the days when everything had been so good and innocent. The times when she could wear whatever clothes she wanted, when she could touch. When she was free.
Those were the days.
Sure she hadn't met the X-Men but when was the last time she had felt another person's touch? Two, three years?
How she would love to go back in time and savour those moments. To relive them. To appreciate how lucky she used to be.
She sighed and closed her eyes briefly, lost in a dream that had once been a reality.
Then suddenly she was snapped out of that beautiful dream, by a thing called reality.
Rogue shook her head, trying to clear her head and turned on her stereo, putting in her new Evanescence CD. Kitty had said that she was crazy to get it, but Rogue had liked the songs that she had heard on the radio.
She lay down on her bed, pulled out a book and hit the shuffle button on the stereo. Immediately a song began playing.
"You don't remember me but I remember you
I lie awake and try so hard not to think of you
But who can decide what they dream?
And dream I do
I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me…
Have you forgotten all I know
and all we had?
You saw me mourning my love for you
and touched my hand
I knew you loved me then…
I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me…
I look in the mirror and see your face
If I look deep enough
So many things inside
That are just like you are taking over…
I believe in you
I'll give up everything just to find you
I have to be with you to live to breathe
You're taking over me-"
Rogue switched it off quickly.
"Who the hell listens tah this depressing shit?"
Suddenly she began crying. Her tears stained her face and she took deep gasps of breath, confused beyond all measures. She held out her hands and was horrified to see they were shaking.
Everything was so unfair. It didn't make sense, it wasn't right. Life had given her a curse, one that everyone thought was fixable, one that everyone thought didn't matter. She thought back numbly to the incident at the mall. Had that girl, Aimee or whatever her name was, known how much she went through everyday, she would have shut up. Maybe she would perhaps even express pity. And yeah, maybe Jamie was right, maybe on the surface she did want everyone to pity her – but in truth, she wanted people to realize just how lucky they were.
But everyone took it the wrong way. They thought something was wrong with her. They wanted to help her when she knew she didn't need it.
And then there was this whole deal with Logan. She was unclear on her feelings for him. Every time they got closer, something happened, something wrecked it. All she wanted was for things to be how they were.
Everything was so screwed up.
Life's a bitch and then you die.
How many times had she heard that saying?
But then that saying wasn't necessarily true. Life gave you so many opportunities.
She didn't want to feel like this. It was as if slowly her whole world was beginning to crash. Slowly, but she could notice.
But what really annoyed her, was the fact that one day she could feel so happy and then the next day she could feel so sad. And then slowly it seemed as if the bad days were outnumbering the good days.
Rogue touched a hand to the tears that had been caused by a song.
By a song.
Was she that fragile?
Was there seriously something wrong with her?
But then everything wasn't as bad as it seemed.
Maybe she was just overreacting; after all she hadn't had a good night's sleep in awhile.
And after all tomorrow was another day.
If it ever comes.