Note: This chapter, and the one following, have been edited for the sake of my own sanity. The ending turned out awfully, this chapter was much too awkward, and the plot was brutally mutilated all through the sixth chapter (I really wish I had a good excuse for that, I really do.) If you've already read the originals, please skim through these for my sake and let me know if this is any improvement.

Chapter Five: The Loss of Sanity

Autumn came all too soon. Every morning, Remus would wake up to find more and more leaves had fallen. He would open the door, gingerly step onto the carpet of dry leaves, and sit just within his barrier for a few hours. Sometimes, he would think he had seen something move, and if it wasn't a trick his impaired vision was playing on him, it would turn out to be just another leaf dropping from above his head, or a lone squirrel dodging his gaze by hiding behind the trees.

That was something he had noticed ever since Sirius left: the squirrels. By the end of September, he had seen three, and, once, he had heard a bird. Naturally, they didn't cross the invisible line surrounding his dwelling, never got too close, but the fact that he could see them gave him something like hope.

Maybe, he thought on the morning of seeing the third squirrel, the spell is broken. Maybe, because Sirius loved me, I'm free... Carefully, he took a step away from the house. Nothing happened. A faint smile drifted over his lips, but as he took another step, he stumbled backwards, tears prickling at his eyes.

He had seen the wolf, in his mind's eye. It growled and snarled, and, for just a moment, it looked like it was grinning at him, as if greeting an old friend.

"Hello, Remus," it had grinned. "Fancy he'll ever come back?"

The words seemed to be cut into his skin. The foot he had extended to test the barrier was burning, and that image kept repeating itself over and over in his head.

Remus knew he was in love. He'd known only a few moments too late.

"Goodbye, Remus," Sirius had said over his shoulder, and, suddenly, Remus knew. He was all Remus dreamed of anymore. Sirius, Sirius, Sirius.

You had your chance, he told himself now. And you didn't take it. You could have stopped him, but you didn't. You could have kissed him, but you didn't. Stop mourning for something you said you didn't want.

He looked at the silver knife a lot more, now. It didn't call to him anymore. Instead, he called to it. Sometimes, while looking at it, he would laugh bitterly, which was the closest he got to being happy after that night.

"It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all," he could remember his mother saying when he was very young (or did he make up that memory?), and he had tried to believe it. That made him laugh, too, though, when he remembered who he was getting advice on love from.

Sometimes, if he tried really hard, he could remember a little of what had happened on the night of the full moon. It was something he had discovered after years of isolation, with nothing to entertain himself. After the first full moon following Sirius's departure, he had found patches of fur and blood in nearly every room. The expected gashes on his limbs and torso had been deeper than usual, one of his ears was badly torn, and he couldn't see out of one eye.

He didn't try to remember anything after that.

llllll

Sirius didn't need to follow the routine anymore. It was simply instinct to him now, and when, after two days of walking in the same direction through that forest, he came to a town, he soon found himself watching a girl with straight blonde hair and dark brown eyes more than what was usually socially acceptable. Her name, it turned out, was Charlotte Miller, and she wouldn't turn sixteen for another few months. She was perfect.

It only took a week before she was entertaining the idea of being Mrs Sirius Black, but when she made this known to him, something inside him made him stop with the routine and toss it out the window.

Maybe it was Remus. He knew that what he felt for the werewolf only sprang up because of the lack of females around and because he was just so used to his routine that he couldn't help but romance somebody. But Remus had rocked the boat, had messed the routine up: he hadn't let Sirius kiss him. This was something new for Sirius, something he'd never had to deal with before, and it had changed him.

So, when he found himself passionately kissing a girl he'd only known for a fortnight, he decided she would be the last. He was constantly thinking of Remus, constantly aching to see him again, and he wasn't even in love. It must be worse for those girls he manipulated for their money, because they were actually in love with him, he reasoned.

Her sixteenth birthday arrived quickly, and, with a sick feeling in his stomach, he did something he'd never done before: he asked her to marry him. Charlotte had fainted— not swooned, fainted (swooning is much more ladylike)— and fell over backwards with a thud.

Sirius had revived her, grinning the whole time so much his cheeks began to ache.

There was one more thing he had left to do.

llllll

The air was cold and sharp with the promise of autumn frost when, for the first time in a decade, Remus heard a knock at the door. At first, he was unable to place the sound, but after it became more persistent and it was accompanied by a familiar voice, he flew to the front door and opened it, not at all trying to hide the small smile that had spread across his features.

At first, he only saw Sirius. Alone, his left eye took in the tall, grey-eyed beauty standing before him, and for a few moments, he could ignore the hand also in his field of vision, the hand placed delicately on Sirius's arm. He had to turn his head slightly to the right to see the young woman, smiling uneasily at him.

"Hello," he managed to choke out.

Sirius looked just as uncomfortable as the girl beside him, but managed to smile faintly. "Remus," he said, and for a moment Remus had another taste of the wonderful happiness that had filled him not so long ago. "This is Charlotte." The happiness left him immediately.

"Hello," Remus repeated.

"Hello," the woman called Charlotte said.

Sirius broke the silence following that simple phrase.

"Are you alright?" he managed to blurt out, looking as though the question had troubled him a lot.

"Yes," Remus replied, still looking at Charlotte. "I'm fine."

"I— oh. I'm sorry, but... can you still see? Your eye looks—"

"I know." With this, the werewolf managed to look back at Sirius. "I'm fine." He would not admit to his partial blindness, although his discoloured right eye gave this away without his confirmation. Still, that confession was number two on his list of things he would not do. He had just started the list in his mind. Number one was pulling Sirius into that kiss they'd almost shared so many months ago, naturally.

Sirius soon explained that they had come to visit him. Remus did not understand the logic behind this, but had never known Sirius to be very logical, so it didn't bother him. What did was the fact that, as soon as he had stepped through the front door, Sirius kissed her, as though mocking the werewolf.

"This could be yours." Remus could nearly hear the words as those silvery eyes flickered over to him just as the couple (Remus cringed slightly at even thinking that word) broke apart, and a small smile crept across Charlotte's lips.

For just a moment, he felt his knees weaken, but he caught himself before anyone could notice and brushed his hair out of his eyes.

"Hungry?" It took Remus a second to realize he had been the one to speak, and even though he hadn't seen Charlotte nod, he turned and walked to the dining room.

llllll

The meal passed might have passed in silence, had Sirius not felt obligated to speak and Remus to nod and mumble something incoherent as the dark-haired wizard did so.

"We're getting married," Sirius announced in conclusion to his monologue, causing Remus to nearly choke on the piece of meat he had been chewing for ten minutes and had just decided to swallow.

"Congratulations," he sighed, just letting the word out as he exhaled as though it had been trapped in his lungs for years, aching to get out.

He couldn't see all of Sirius, just his arm and the side of his face; he only kept Charlotte in his field of vision so that he wouldn't be tempted to do anything he would regret— if this hadn't been the case, if he had been watching Sirius as intently as he wanted to, he might have seen that Sirius had something trapped in his lungs, too, and this something wouldn't come out with just a simple sigh.

llllll

Night fell quickly and silently, slowly tainting and killing the light until there was nothing but darkness. Remus soon found himself pacing the floor of his bedroom, a single candle flickering beside his bed. He wanted to know why Sirius had come at all, but he didn't want to ask, just to know.

There was a creak, signifying someone's light footsteps in the corridor. The werewolf tensed, and found himself rooted to the floor, unable to move from where he stood.

Tap, tap, tap, went the someone's fist against the door. Sucking in a deep breath, Remus walked to the door and opened it, neither shocked nor unsurprised by Charlotte standing there, still dressed as she had been earlier. Her hair was down now, though, and not quite as neat as it could be.

"May I come in?" she asked politely, not really looking for an answer. Before Remus even nodded, she had crossed the threshold.

"I need to talk to someone," she went on, twirling a strand of blonde hair around her finger. Remus nodded again, leaning awkwardly against the wall.

"He doesn't love me," Charlotte stated simply. Remus might have fallen backwards, had he not already been leaning against the wall. "I mean, I know he asked me to marry him, and maybe he wants to love me, but he doesn't. He's never even said he does. I don't know who he loves, but he must love someone, and" (She bit her trembling lip) "He's only ever kissed me two times."

More than I can say, Remus wanted to snap, but didn't. He waited for her to go on instead, wishing that she would change the topic to something more enjoyable. Like the weather, or something like that.

"The first time was after I knew him for fifteen days exactly. And the second... The second was this afternoon." Charlotte's breaths were shuddery, and her voice was strained. After an excessive amount of blinking, she managed to look up at Remus, who couldn't figure out what the appropriate emotion would be at that point.

"Well," he began, very intellectually. "Maybe—"

He never got to finish that sentence, because his words were muffled by Charlotte's mouth over his own. Later, he would wonder if he had actually seen her move towards him, or if she'd cleverly kept within his blind spot, but even if he had seen her, he knew that it was unlikely he could have manoeuvred away from her. She was like a wild animal, stalking her pray. The wolf has found itself a hunter, Remus would think that morning with a dry smile.

But he would have had collected his wits by that time. Now, however, thoughts were flying through his head, made mostly of disjointed words that made little sense to him: Charlotte curse kiss werewolf Sirius lost regret why how?

Once he had sorted through and organized these words into proper sentences, he was left with, Charlotte is kissing me. This is not good.

Another part of his mind sarcastically asked him just why it wasn't good, but he ignored that voice and jerked away from Charlotte, a taste in his mouth of something he couldn't quite place, and an emotion inside that felt very much like regret.

Charlotte also seemed to have trouble thinking straight, and once she, too, could manage a few coherent thoughts, she spoke:

"I am so sorry, it's just... I'm sorry. I don't know what happened. I..." She trailed off, apparently unaware of the air becoming heavier with chaos.

Remus knew what he had been waiting for when Sirius almost kissed him— a pretty girl with a pure heart, the sort of creature who he felt he would never see. And now he wanted the complete opposite, and it made him feel sick to acknowledge that fact once again.

He forced a cough, feeling as though he should make some sort of noise and not just feel awkward. The cough caught Charlotte's attention, and she looked at him as though she couldn't remember who he was.

"I'll be going," she muttered under her breath, not breaking eye contact with him as she backed through the doorway. "Good night."

He heard a click, signifying the door had closed, and suddenly remembered to breathe, although he wasn't quite sure why he should bother. The little flame of humanity hidden within his very soul had dimmed and gone out, leaving a little wisp of smoke in its place. It had been what made every transformation just bearable, and now he had been robbed of it, just like everything else.

The sun would be rising in a few hours, and he could tell it wasn't going to be a good day.

llllll

Maybe he just imagined it, but he could feel Sirius's eyes on him the next morning, as if the dark-haired young man knew what had happened in the dead of night, while he was, no doubt, fast asleep.

Remus saw them already at the table when he came down for breakfast, and this surprised him a little. Sirius, as far as he knew, had always slept in much later than him, but he supposed Charlotte had woken him up.

Charlotte didn't look at him at all, and this only added to how out of place he felt. Her eyes kept darting over to Sirius, and sometimes down in her lap, and occasionally to her right.

By the time the sun had set, Sirius had only said four words to him:

"Did you sleep well?"

llllll

Remus lay awake in bed that night. The candle that had remained lit so late the night before was burning again. He thought of sitting up and snuffing it out, but didn't.

Thinking back on it later, he would wonder if he might have gotten out of bed before he heard the knock at his door. At first, he thought it was Charlotte, returning to apologize again. Maybe Sirius told her everything, he thought for a moment, wondering just how much 'everything' encompassed.

But it was not she. Sirius stood at the door when he opened it, looking very small, though Remus was a fair amount shorter.

"I love you," Remus blurted out without thinking, and Sirius stood there, stunned.

"Remus," he said at length, eyes wide and cheeks tinged pink. The werewolf took a tiny step towards him.

"Yes?"

Sirius had been staring at him, but now blinked and bit his lip. "That— that wasn't real. It couldn't have been."

It was Remus's turn to be silent.

"Remus?"

The werewolf nodded in response.

"Are you all right?"

Another nod.

Sirius sighed, running a hand through his hair. He licked his lips, said, "I—" and was cut off by Remus.

"Good," Remus muttered. Sirius looked at him curiously, head tilted to the side. "It's better that way."

"What—"

Remus took a moment to swallow the lump in his throat. "She kissed me," he announced clearly and quietly at the same time. "There's no point."

Remus's words took a while to sink in. When he finally seemed to understand what the werewolf had said, Sirius could open his mouth, but no sound came out.

"Last night," Remus continued. "She said you didn't love her. That you loved someone else, and she kissed me. I thought it might have been worth it, since..." His cheeks coloured and he took a deep breath before he went on. "Since you said you loved me."

With unfocused eyes, Sirius moved to the bed and sat down, not unlike he had the night he made a similar confession.

"I have to love her," Sirius said suddenly, and Remus got the feeling he was confirming this for his own sake. "You said yourself—"

"I was afraid and stupid," snapped Remus, surprising himself, but Sirius ignored him.

"We're getting married in six days. It would be nice if you could be there, but I know you can't."

"Sirius—"

"And I'm sorry about this—" The dark-haired wizard ran a finger down an exposed line of raised, pink flesh on Remus's arm. The scar was not painful to touch, but Remus cringed anyway. "I don't know if I would have been able to survive with it. You're truly amazing. I wish I could be like you."

"No, you don't," the werewolf hissed, jerking his arm away from Sirius. He gritted his teeth, and gave a quiet, animalistic growl. "I was never brave— I've thought of ending my life, but I was too scared of both the pain and what would await me after death. I'm not innocent, and you know it. I'm... well, just think about it: I'm a monster and I love someone I shouldn't. You're what has kept me hanging on lately. The idea that you..." Remus looked down, suddenly very timid. He didn't need to finish the sentence.

"I have to go," he heard Sirius mutter. "Right away. Maybe we'll see you after the wedding."

And he turned away, clearly intent on walking away from Remus once again, as he had done not so long before.

"Wait, Sirius—" Remus was running after him, even though he wasn't aware of it before he collided with Sirius, nearly tripping over him in the process. Sirius shot him a pained, angry look.

"Forget whatever I said, okay?" he hissed, pressing Remus up against the wall as he spoke. "I wasn't in a right state of mind; I didn't mean a word of it."

Remus laughed weakly. "We're both insane here, I know that— it doesn't take back any of it."

"I, for one, am not insane. If I was, I'm cured." Sirius had been halfway to sneering, but suddenly his expression softened and he looked almost blankly at the werewolf. "I hope the same happens to you."

"I'm trapped here." Remus shrugged. "I'll be all but cured for the rest of my life."

A hint of a bitter smile touched the corner of Sirius's mouth. "Don't say that," he whispered, swiftly placing a light kiss on Remus's cheek. "I'm going now. I'll see you later. After the wedding. I promise."

Remus walked back to his bedroom, closed the door, and groaned suddenly as he realized that had really happened.