Walking In Winter
(Beside You...)
Arrhyth: I suppose it helps that I wrote this on a rainy day... " Again, this is probably AU ending, made to fit in with the Subaru/Kamui theme, post book 18.
"Subaru?" Kamui opened the door to their room; his eyes immediately flying to the speckles of blood on the floor as he stepped in, although there had been none in the hall outside. He must have been careless to miss the bloodspots- Subaru never allowed his darker profession to show in the evidence of their shared life- the Sakura was something that he had never allowed Kamui to share with him.
The Sakurazukamori had hunted that day.
Predictably, Subaru was taking a bath. The sound of the shower was still running, and Kamui figured it had likely been running for at least an hour, given how long it took for Subaru to feel clean again.
He couldn't blame the other man. To kill someone was the first step- to kill someone in cold-blooded murder, to take the person's life and future. Seishirou had not minded- he had been born and bred to being the Sakurazukamori, as had his mother before him. Subaru, on the other hand, hated the immensity of plunging his hand through another person, or even just drawing a knife across a defenseless throat.
And then, to carry the corpse with you, and feed it to the Sakura Subaru hated so much- to bury it beneath the Sakura's hungry roots, to entrap the soul within the trunk of the tree, to ensure that it would never be free again.
Subaru hated that.
But on a winter's day, Kamui couldn't just let him continue with his cleansing rituals. The hot water would have run out ages ago- and with the temperatures outside, the water Subaru was showering in would turn to ice if it went any lower.
Kamui knocked gently on the door, then said, "I'm coming in, Subaru."
The lighting was bright, harsh against the dazzling white tiles of the bathroom, harsh against Subaru's pale, alabaster skin, white as the geisha masks and the purity of snow on snow on snow. Walking over to him, Kamui gently shut the shower off, biting back a flinch as his hand came into contact with the less-than-ten-degrees cold water.
"Subaru, I'm sorry... but you'll freeze to death."
It hadn't been the first time. There had been Rainbow Bridge, where Kamui had dashed on and pulled Subaru free before the structure came down on them, cheating Subaru of his wish to die along with Seishirou Sakurazuka.
"Subaru. Subaru, come out of there."
The second time Kamui said his name, the man with the mismatched eyes seemed to snap awake, the green eye finally lighting on the boy who stood there, concern written all over his young face. "Kamui... you shouldn't have come in."
Kamui stood his ground, violet eyes shining fire as Subaru got out from under the shower, fastening a white towel around slim hips, fingers wrinkled from their long stay under water. Kamui knew those fingers, knew their caring comforting caressing touch. Subaru had held him more than once, keeping his fragile self in one piece, almost making Kamui hold himself together by sheer force of those gentle, guiding fingers.
Kamui wanted to do the same for him. So much.
"I can't let you drown here, Subaru." Drowning in what was not said, but they both knew. The words that were left unsaid between them passed between them via a look, a nuance, an inflection of tone. Drowning in water, in guilt, in rotting sakura flowers.
And then Subaru was back, the Sakurazukamori sealed away. "I suppose. Would you like to go out for dinner today?"
Kamui felt himself smiling a small, sad smile. "Yes, I'd like that."
Subaru never said anything, but Kamui knew he still felt guilty about leaving the Dragons of Heaven for the Dragons of Earth, even if it had been in fulfillment of Seishirou's last Wish. Though both his rational mind and Kamui had pointed out the fact that he had eventually regained his kekkai- for Kamui himself, the other boy often reminded him- and gone back, he still felt he had betrayed them.
Dinner had been marked by a fragile peace, Kamui talking about school, mostly to fill the silence, coaxing Subaru to describe the job that was not connected with being the Sakurazukamori- being an omnyouji.
After that, Kamui had suggested a walk. A smile on his face, Subaru agreed. The nameless river had frost speckled on it, and the temperatures were already highly chilly, despite the fact that the first snowfall had not yet arrived. Kamui hesitated, then took the risk and rested his hand lightly in the crook of Subaru's elbow.
Subaru looked down at the younger boy, who made an almost imperceptible noise of distress and made to draw away, but on impulse Subaru seized the smaller hand in his, twining his fingers around Kamui's, felt the younger boy's hand instinctively gripping his own too- trusting, sweet: like Kamui himself.
Kamui liked the way their hands fitted. He would never forget that under the glamour Subaru's hands were marked with Seishirou's inverted pentacle, but like the ones they had loved and lost, that was a thing of the past. Right now, the curve of their hands matched, and Subaru's fingers fit around his. Both sought, and they found each other.
Subaru liked the way Kamui's hand felt in his too.
They continued that way for a while, before Subaru became aware of the slight tremors of cold running through Kamui. Chuckling softly, he drew the smaller boy closer to his side, Kamui leaning against his body for warmth. Kamui tentatively leaned his head against Subaru's shoulder, then snuggled closer when he didn't object.
Kamui... Subaru wouldn't let him into the life of the Sakurazukamori. Quiet walks along the banks of frosty rivers on a surreal winter's night were all right, and he loved each and every of those moments that he got to savour with the amethyst-eyed boy. But to let Kamui know of the blood on his hands, the blood covering him and the thousands who had been buried to sate the appetite of the Sakura... no. The boy had been through enough.
As if aware of his resolution, Kamui looked up, both challenge and question reflected in his eyes. Subaru smiled silently down at him and turned back to their quiet stroll, booted feet hitting the stone pavement, strangely enough, without a sound. Few others were about, even though it was a beautiful night, the moon shimmering down in the winter silence, tingeing Kamui's pale cheeks an ethereal, glowing silver.
Subaru reached out; rested one gentle finger on the other boy's face, tracing a line of white fire from the side of Kamui's eye to the corner of soft, delicate lips. "Have I ever told you you're too good, Kamui?"
So many implications contain in such an uncomplicated sentence. Too good for this earth. Too good to be true. Too good for me.
Subaru felt the younger boy's wordless protest in the fierce hug Kamui enveloped him in.
The small, delicate ice crystals were the only ones to bear witness to the two's net thirty minutes together, kissing and cuddling, not caring that the moon had been shadowed by heavy clouds promising impending snow. More than one snowflake melted on Kamui's tongue, its unique crystal configuration lost as the younger boy caught them on his tongue, grinning as his older lover laughed with him, troubles momentarily forgotten in Kamui's laughter and simple happiness.
It was an almost fey sight- the young boy, one hand tugging the man's arm on their way home, one hand reached out to pluck unwary snowflakes from their stately descent, the man smiling at the reversion to the childhood the boy never had.
They entered their apartment flushed and exhilarated- or at least, until Kamui broke the bouncy mood with a loud, sleepy yawn. Subaru choked back laughter as Kamui sent him the 'say-something-and-I-won't-talk-to-you-for-a-week' glare. Instead electing to be a sober solemn adult, he took hold of the other boy and gave him a push in the direction of the bedroom. "You need to go to sleep, Kamui," he stated as the boy gave him a raised eyebrow, pausing at the door.
Comfortable companionship filled the room as they readied themselves for bed, Kamui climbing in first. As per their nightly routine, Subaru tucked the thick duvet around Kamui first, lingering whenever he touched him in an accidental caress before climbing into bed with him. At first, they had slept together because the nightmares didn't come then, because Subaru didn't wake, screaming for Seishirou in his death throes, and Kamui didn't wake up, crying for Fuuma to come back.
But as Subaru got into bed, he reflected that that was no longer the reason. The reason had become the beautiful boy he held in his arms. As Kamui pressed himself closer to Subaru, he reflected that the reason had changed. The reason had become the man who made him feel safe. He enjoyed the peace within the shelter of Subaru's arms, and he was loath to break it... but there was something that had to be asked. Something their... relationship... would have to survive.
"Subaru? Will you take me to see the Sakura one day?"
Startled, the older man looked down at the boy encircled in his embrace, one hand lightly curled on the material of Subaru's shirt just above his heart. "Kamui... the Sakura is not something you want to see."
"Subaru, I need to see it." Aggressive for once, Kamui pressed a finger to Subaru's lips as the older man made to speak. "Shh. Subaru, I love you-" Kamui blushed a bit at the admission, but was pleasantly surprised to see a similar blush painting Subaru's cheeks. "-but I can't love only Subaru Sumeragi. I have to love Subaru Sakurazukamori as well... I won't give half of you half my love. We can't live a lie forever, Subaru, we just can't..." Biting his lip to stop himself blabbering, Kamui looked on anxiously, waiting for Subaru's answer.
A minute stretched into eternity before Subaru replied, smiling resignedly. "Then I'll take you next weekend." It cost him a lot to say that, but seeing Kamui's smile was like seeing the dawn break over a bloody sea. Inclining his head forward, he kissed Kamui, moving from his lips to his jaw, then feathering butterfly kisses down to Kamui's collarbone before turning back to match green and brown with fierce, flushed violet.
"I love you too, Kamui."
Outside, the blizzard whirled on, caught up in itself the way they were caught up with each other.
Arrhyth: Review!