Drowning in the Sun, Part 3
Fuyu (Winter)
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How can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb...
...Now that I know what I'm without
you can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead...
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We saw less of each other once the cold season began in earnest. She was too damnably fragile to sit outside for long as we had been, though she tried at first, until I yelled at her to go home because her chattering teeth were grating on my nerves.
I cursed her human weakness, but in truth I spent more and more time asleep in winter anyway. Youkai don't hibernate, but our patterns are still a bit seasonal.
We didn't eat together much, though she still brought food for me to take when I left. It felt like charity, different from when we'd taken meals together, and I refused at first, but the hurt look in her eyes changed my mind.
"I like making things for you, Inuyasha," she'd said, as though it were obvious, and I suddenly felt boorish for refusing. I guess, being a miko, she wasn't allowed to lower her station and cook for others very often.
Because of the chill we began instead to walk together, as she stayed warmer that way. She would lean close and take my arm, tucking her hand into my sleeve. For warmth, she said.
This new proximity made me breathless. The rose on her cheek begged to be touched, and there was nothing so beautiful as the lace of snowflakes caught in the sweep of her shyly downturned eyelashes. Having her on my arm felt so right, so natural. It was like losing a limb when she let go.
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"You are careless, tonight." How can such an inflectionless voice sound so menacing?
Holding my bloodied body aloft with one hand, Sesshomaru tore into my chest with the poison-tipped claws of the other. The complete lack of expression on his face was more horrible than any bloodlust-distorted rictus he might have worn. I did not even warrant a slight frown, or narrowing of the eyes so much like my own. I was nothing to him; he hadn't even been searching for me. I'd just had the misfortune to have blundered into his path this night.
Such a fool. Going out to hunt, when you knew your senses were fading. But I'd been ravenous. Game was scarce, and I'd wandered too far from my usual hunting grounds.
"What's the matter, Inuyasha? You are weaker than usual...or perhaps I merely overestimate you." He sliced open my arm, for good measure, before dumping me unceremoniously on the ground. Clutching the bleeding arm to my chest, I forced myself up into a crouch.
Long dead was the hanyou child who'd wished for his elder brother's regard. I could gladly kill Sesshomaru now, that bastard -- no, better to maim him, and let him live out his near-endless life without the use of an eye, or a limb, forever cursing his "unworthy" half-brother for its lack. Someday, I will do it. I promise.
He flicked the glowing whip almost negligently at me. I dodged once, but felt a nasty cut open along my cheekbone from the second strike. I was growling, low in my throat, but I couldn't summon up my usual fury and loathing, or the "go to Hell" attitude I reserved solely for his pompous ass. The panic was too strong, knowing that if I didn't get out of here right now, I would die.
I would never give him that satisfaction.
The sun dipped dangerously low behind the overhanging trees, trapped by cage of swaying black branches, its light only a breath away from dying.
Oh, shit. Time to turn around and run like hell. Better to have him think me a coward than to reveal my weakness and die bravely. It wasn't as though his opinion of me could sink any lower.
Come and get me, you bastard.
He approached slowly, each measured step confident that I was beaten. I tried to look like I was about to keel over. It wasn't hard.
Closer...
Now!
Holding the wounded arm close to my body had been a ruse, meant only to keep my last attack at the ready. Plunging my claws into the deep gash in my chest, I flung blades of my blood and his own poison back at him.
"Hijin Ketsusou!" Not a lethal attack, not in a million years, but cast directly into his eyes at that range it was enough for me to break away.
I crashed desperately through the woods, making sure to put as much distance as possible between us, sacrificing stealth for speed. Soon I would not even be able to smell him coming. He would be able to track me from miles away; my wounds rained blood upon the ground in my wake. I could feel the sun sinking further out of sight with each beat of my heart.
Why, Why had I run into him tonight, of all nights?
The night dimmed slowly, as though someone were gradually turning down a lamp, and the myriad sounds of forest life drained from my ears, leaving me feeling half-blind and deaf, immersed in that wild momentary panic of sensory deprivation until gradually I adjusted to the lack. I couldn't see much, but the night had not gone pitch black yet. My sense of smell, the one I depended upon the most, told me nothing. Nothing at all. And I was still miles from my den.
"Inuyasha?"
"Kikyou!" What the hell was she doing here?
She stepped fully into view, a slight frown marring her features. "Is that you? I felt something really strong out here--" she gasped, and I could only guess that she was taking in the copious amount of blood, the black hair, and the human features.
There was no time. "Get out of here! He'll kill you!" Fear for her gave my voice a jagged edge. Gods have mercy, at least she wasn't wearing the jewel of power that would have drawn him like a beacon.
My near-panic seeped into her, it seemed, as she pressed her lips together and asked no questions. Over my protests, she hurriedly tore a wide swath of material from her sleeve and bound up my arms. "Whatever you are running from will have no trouble finding you if you leave such an obvious trail."
I tried to shove her away. "Get away from me, Kikyou! This doesn't concern you--"
Her head jerked up, suddenly. Even her senses were sharper than mine, now. She grabbed my arm, pulling me after her. "This way!" I had not the strength by then to resist, but my heart was leaden with fear that I would be the death of her now, as well. All of my concentration was spent merely on keeping myself moving blindly after her, because I feared she would not leave me if I collapsed.
She took a convoluted, twisting route through bramble and brush, heedless of where it gouged us both. Upon reaching a river she drug me across with her, until we reached the shallows of the far bank, still running in the water, harder to track. Not stupid, my Kikyou. My limbs were numb now, his poison seeping through my weakened human body, its progress quickened by the exertion. I had one moment to register dull surprise as she dove straight into a small waterfall, pulling me with her, but the rock face that I braced for never hit us. Behind the deluge was a surprisingly large cave. It was obviously previously inhabited, stocked with medicinal and cooking supplies. I glanced blankly at her as I slid down the wall, my legs dissolving into jelly.
She shrugged, a wistful smile twisting her mouth. "This is my secret place, of sorts. A place that I come to meditate, or rest." The admission was almost shy.
She visibly donned a healer's expression, mouth tightening into a thin line. "Let me see your wounds."
I didn't move. "That won't be enough to keep him out, the water. It may confuse his sense of smell and buy a few hours, but nothing more."
She looked questioningly at me, but said nothing. Quietly, she slid the bow off of her shoulder and knocked an arrow, shooting it into the dirt at the mouth of the cave, following the first shot with a second before its predecessor touched ground. The two fletched shafts formed an X at the entrance, glowing with a serene white light that shimmered and grew until the waterfall was no longer visible, and all that could be seen was our pale faces staring back at us from its mirrorlike surface.
Turning to me, she said, "Anyone on the other side will only be able to see, hear, touch or smell solid rock, should they think to look behind the waterfall. We are safe."
I barely heard her, as I slid bonelessly the rest of the way onto the floor.
"Inuyasha!" She tore the makeshift bandages from my right arm, gasping at the red streaks climbing up the limb. "Poison," I heard her mutter, before the night claimed me fully.
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I could only guess at the poison's content, but I did what I could, and hoped it was enough. Having taken care of that, I tried to make him dry and comfortable. Fortunately, plunging through the waterfall had not seemed to affect him much, since his outer clothing seemed to be completely waterproof. The only thing wet on him was his hair, which I toweled off as best I could with a dry shirt. By the time I covered him with a blanket and moved to strip out of my own sodden clothing, my numb fingers could barely move. I did not bother trying to fasten the dry, if cold, clothing I replaced it with. The fire I'd made to brew the tincture gave off little heat, but it was better than nothing. I wrapped another blanket around my shoulders and sat with him, drawing his head into my lap. For the first time in years I felt as though I could weep, for fear he would die.
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I woke slowly, my head pillowed on a soft lap, a gentle hand stroking my hair.
Ofukoro? She always sat with me on this cursed night, when all of my senses deserted me. It was then, more than any other night, that I most wanted to be a true youkai.
But no, the smell was all wrong. Even my human nose could tell that, eventually...and Ofukuro was long dead. The pungent smell of freshly-ground herbs overlaid her usual scent, but I lay unmistakably in the lap of Kikyou.
I opened my eyes to gaze straight into hers. She was not smiling. "You are lucky, my hanyou, to have run into a miko this night." Her voiced wavered infinitesimally. "You almost died."
I could only stare into her unusually dark eyes, the rich color of new earth. Her skin gleamed like the untouched petals of a white rose. I had never been so close to her before. Her maddening scent further addled my senses, and loosed my tongue. "Beautiful..." I heard myself say, to my chagrin. Color blossomed in her pale cheeks and traveled down her neck as she looked away. "You should sleep," she only said.
"I never sleep on the new moon," I began hoarsely, but I felt so safe, there with her, and I could barely keep my eyes open, much less move to a sitting position. For the first time since my mother's death, I slept in my human skin.
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I buried my hands in his thick black hair, marveling at the silky softness of it even as I absurdly missed his ears. I'd always itched to touch them, but now that I had the opportunity, his human form had thwarted me. We had never been so close. My cheeks burned at his proximity, but I made no move to remove his head from my lap. He smiled faintly in his sleep, nuzzling closer, and I blushed even more furiously. Surely this was indecent for a miko, but my heart raced with a forbidden thrill, the purity I maintained throughout my life doing nothing to deter the desires of my woman's heart. A miko and a hanyou, and unlikely and dangerous match. I knew that I should thrust him away and leave, now that the danger to him had passed, but I wanted never to let him go.
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I woke again in the lightening hours before dawn; I could feel the youkai component of my blood beginning to turn quicksilver in my veins.
Kikyou was...snoring? Softly and in a cute way, but definitely snoring. It was so at odds with her perfectly composed and somber demeanor.
She woke when I turned my head, and I found her eyes, dark, fathomless, and wounded-looking. "Inuyasha, how are you feeling?"
I tried to move and grimaced, not replying. She put a gently restraining hand on my chest. "Inuyasha, you're sorely wounded--"
"Keh! I'll be fine. Thanks to your medicines the poison didn't kill me." I not ungently removed her hands and sat up. "Once the sun rises, these wounds should close...see?" It was as close to appreciation as I could show. I gestured to the gaping slash on my chest that was starting to knit. It itched.
The sun rose fully, and everything came fully into sharp focus as the transformation was complete. Tentatively, she pulled the slashed material of my formerly white shirt away to examine the chest wound. The healing flesh was still an angry red, but it was closed and visibly fading.
She surprised the hell out of me by covering her face with her hands.
"Hey! You're not going to cry, are you?" I asked roughly, to cover my concern.
Her hands came down. "I never cry," she said matter-of-factly, less a statement of pride than a statement of fact, though it was belied by the two fat tears rolling slowly down each cheek.
Carefully, I reached over to catch both of them with my thumb. "I'm okay," I said huskily. Her regard warmed my heart.
"I was so worried," she said, ever so softly. "I've rarely seen men survive wounds like that."
"I'm not a man," I said impatiently. "It wasn't enough to kill me in the space of a single night."
She glared at me reproachfully. "How could I have known how long you were going to stay human? You never told me."
I floundered desperately for something else to say, because she looked so fragile at that moment, Kikyou, whom nothing could disturb. "I owe you one, you know," I said grudgingly. "Thanks."
After looking at me a long moment, she seemed to come back to herself, and smiled slightly. "In that case, Inuyasha, I have a favor to ask," she began.
I looked away, somewhat hurt. What did she want from me? I hadn't asked her to interfere. "Fine. What is it?"
In answer I reached slowly out with both hands, until I knew he would not flinch away, and touched his ears. "I couldn't take advantage last night," I murmured.
They were like warmed silk under my fingers, twitching slightly under the caress. A low sound rumbled in his throat, and after a moment of indulgence he grasped my wrists and drew them down gently.
"Enough. I'm not a damned pet dog."
He did not let go.
It was then that I began to realize that I trusted her, or thought I did. She had seen me at my most vulnerable, and put herself in unknown danger to help me.
"Will you tell me what happened?" she asked softly.
"My brother happened," I replied, in clipped tones. If she wanted to hear more than that, well, she was out of luck. But she seemed content to sit quietly with me instead, pressing no further. I almost bolted in surprise when her head dropped onto my shoulder, until I realized she'd fallen asleep. She must have been up most of the night, worrying.
I was starving, my resources used up to heal the damage, my stomach demanding that I get up and hunt right that instant. But not for the world would I have dislodged her. I told myself staunchly that I could probably use the rest and reclined against the wall instead, her cheek against my breast, her hair tangling in mine.
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Our relationship changed as gradually as the season, with winter thawing into spring. There was a new closeness, though nothing was said aloud about it. We spent more time together, as it was warm enough to eat outside again. We became bolder about spending time openly with each other where any villager might see us. I cared less and less about what they might think, and I knew Inuyasha never cared what anyone thought. We walked on mountain trails, he constantly showing me things my own weaker senses overlooked. We took to gliding down the quiet river in a borrowed boat. The villagers would give me anything I asked for, after all. Borrowing a boat did not seem an unreasonable request, to me.
Along with this new closeness there was also a new apprehension, a tremble that ran through me when I drew near, an expectation of something I could not name. Every moment had unknown potential, and I held my breath constantly, waiting for it to be realized, unaware that I even did so.
One day, after such a trip, the moment bloomed. I'm not normally clumsy, but around him it seemed I was increasingly more unnerved, tripping more and more over stray roots and such. As I left the boat, my foot caught on the dock and I pitched forward to land heavily against his broad chest. He caught me awkwardly, the pole still in his hands.
Words had failed me, on the boat. I could not speak of what lay between us, but neither could I bear to talk of something else. The last thing I was expecting at that moment was to have her plummeting into my arms.
He went rigid and entirely still, just for an instant, before the wooden pole clattered against the deck and he wrapped his arms around my shoulders, crushing me to him.
For an instant I could not breathe, much less move, and then before I could think better of it I pulled her more securely against me, afraid I might never have the chance again.
Silver hair was in my eyes, so much softer than it looked, and the scent of him was everywhere. He gave off so much heat, always so fiery and impetuous, everything I could not be. I longed for him never to release me, to burn forever away the shell of ice I'd had to assume for so long...
I buried my face into her hair, drinking my fill of her scent, wanting to freeze time.
For a long moment I was struck utterly motionless with disbelieving joy. Then slowly, I turned my face into his neck, and he made a small, incomprehensible sound.
Soon, she will push me away...I felt my heart would shatter.
He might have let go, then, but I had finally brought my arms up to complete the embrace, tangling my fingers into his hair, and years of stretching the heavy longbow had not left me a weakling.
Her arms lifted, not to extract herself, but to hug me closer...she was strong, for a human girl. The vehemence in her response gave me hope; it was like the sun rising after a long moonless night. She did feel the same as I. My Kikyou. My white rose. But unlike her legend, this one blooms inside a seamless cage of glass, isolated, imprisoned, and untouchable.
I wanted to cry. Being held by him was sweeter than I could have imagined, but my soul was in agony, fully aware of the futility of it all. I was not free to love; I was chained forever to a cold, hard, jewel.
"Don't ever let go," I whispered to him. As long as you hold me, I can pretend there is a future in this.
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End Part 3
Part 4 (the final chapter) is not too far from complete, but I won't try to guess when I will be able to post it. It could be tomorrow, it could be next month. For sure before the end of Christmas break, though, if nothing else.
Song quote by Evanescence
Sango )