Advent Grabby-Hands
"Welcome back to everybody's favorite show, where one lucky gal will get an all-expenses-paid date with this hot stud... 'Cloud Strife'!"
Enthusiastic girls in the audience screamed their heads off. People all over the audience for "Who Wants to Date a Guy with a Huge... Sword?!?" stood for a chance to see today's star: Cloud Strife, making his first television appearance in Midgar.
"Okay let's get to it!" said the over-enthusiastic host of the show, showing off his botox smile.
"So Cloud, how long have you had a really, really big... sword?"
"Well, Chuck, I've had it as long as I can remember. It's almost as if I had no actual childhood!"
"Haha, what a guy. We all know that's completely absurd, though, don't we, audience?"
"Yes Chuck." replied the audience in a sarcastic groan.
"Okay, Cloud. You've already spent some time going through our detailed biographies of these girls, along with very detailed pictures. Tell me who you think may have the upper hand in the looks department."
"Well, Chuck, this girl right here, the one named Tifa, has really, really big materia."
"We all know what that means for the bedroom, right audience?" said the host.
"Yes Chuck" the audience replied in another sarcastic tone.
Chuck let out a hearty chuckle.
"Yes, so I think Tifa has it in the jugs department. I mean, look at those jugs! You can carry two, maybe even three gallons of water in those!"
"Okay, well I think it's time for you to meet your first choice... in a date!"
Cloud shyly walked up to the front of a tavern labeled as 'Seventh Heaven'. After further scanning the big wooden sign on the building, Cloud noticed a small, usually unnoticed, detail at the bottom of the sign reading: "DO ME ONCE OR TWICE AND I'LL HAVE A TAB!" He hastily averted his eyes and entered the tavern.
The smell of liquor lingered in the air, never to be cleansed from the tavern, no matter what drastic measures were taken. Cloud walked up to the bar with a camera man following close behind.
"Is Tifa here?" Cloud asked a little girl, about six years of age.
The girl was silent. She seemed extremely shy and quickly ran out of the room.
"Hey wait..." Cloud said to the girl as she passed through a doorway. He decided to approach the doorway to see where the girl had gone, when a beautiful woman, age 20, elegantly dressed in a silver blue dress, slowly walked out holding her purse. Cloud's jaw dropped. All of a sudden his teenage hormones, which had lingered out a few years back, were in action once again.
"Hey honey. You know, I have a really, really big sword. I'll show it to you if you show me that sizzling Ifrit materia of yours." said Cloud, winking to seal the deal.
"Hmph!" Shrieked Tifa, slapping Cloud's grabby hands away from her materia.
"Oh come on, honey. You know you want a little slice of Cloud Cake!"
"To think that I once loved you, Cloud Strife! You pervert!"
"What are you talking about...?" asked Cloud, severely puzzled.
"You're kidding," replied Tifa. "You don't remember? At all?" She stared into his glowing mako eyes. "That night at the well...?"
"...No."
Tifa took Cloud's hand and looked up into his eyes, almost crying.
"Well that's too freakin' bad, isn't it?!?" yelled Tifa. She laughed as she walked away from the confused Cloud.
Could she have been my true love Master Sephiroth was talking about...? thought Cloud. Could she be the one that I forever love, never to even think of another?
A scantily-clad woman in her mid-twenties walked by the pondering Cloud.
"Hey baby! Nice ass!" he yelled.
Two hours and seven women later, Cloud's face was too red from the numerous slaps he took to go on. He gathered his dignity, stuffed it deep into his pocket, and made his way back to the studio.
"Well wasn't that fun, folks?!?" yelled the host. "Just be glad you can laugh at other people's problems on television and they can't laugh back! Haha, what a hopeless loser Cloud is. He'll probably go home and kill himself! Right audience?"
"Yes Chuck."
I would like to give a special thanks to my friend, Ryn, who first thought up the premise.