A/N: OK its short, but its a reaction chapter to the last one. I
figured I needed to get it out before someone hunted me down for a
lynching. Speaking of which...shippers...don't give up hope yet! And
please...please please put the rope down...
A Man Called Ghost
Chapter 11
Mac stood upon the porch silently watching the street that Harm had so downheartedly ridden off on. She had no idea how long she stood there before she felt a hand on her shoulder. Looking up she saw the Admiral standing beside her.
"It's true then? Harm was here?" he asked softly.
"He was, sir." Mac answered sadly.
"It's his choice Mac, we can't make him stay when he doesn't want to."
"I think he wanted to, sir. Or at least he was starting to. I could see it when he held AJ, he still cares. I saw it in his eyes; I saw the pain in his eyes. Why did he leave Admiral?" Mac asked plaintively.
"He doesn't want us to see how much he's hurting Colonel. You know that Harm is a proud man, he always has been. He's made his choice." The Admiral replied after a moment's thought.
"He said that you went to talk to him before his last op, Admiral. Why didn't you tell me?" Mac practically hissed as she rounded on the Admiral.
"I didn't think it would be productive to tell you. Nothing resulted from my run in with Harm. In fact, I think I may have made things worse."
"What do you mean?"
"I think I opened old wounds. They may not have been fully healed but he had come to deal with them in his own way; and now they are fresh again."
Quietly, the ex-SEAL stood next to his chief of staff and watched the emotions run across her face. He was not surprised that a year had not dimmed the love Mac felt for Harm. He was of the opinion that nothing could put out that fire. The naked emotions playing across her face surprised him though. Mac usually kept her emotions as close as Harm did; it was part of the reason the two were never able to admit to each other that they felt more than friendship. Patting her awkwardly on the shoulder, softly he said, "Come on Mac...let's get back to the party. AJ's going to open his gifts soon."
As the Admiral turned and started to walk back up the steps to the house Mac stopped him suddenly. "What does it mean to be among the lost Admiral?"
"What did you say?" he questioned her in shock.
"To be among the lost. It's something Harm said before he left. That I didn't want to be in his world, that he was among the lost now. He told me to ask Webb, but seeing as I haven't really been on speaking terms with Webb for a couple months, I thought I'd ask you."
Heavily Admiral Chegwidden sat down on the top step. To be among the lost. It had been years since he'd heard anyone refer to the lost, and he was hoping he never would have to again.
"Admiral? You know what it means, don't you?" Mac pressed insistently.
"I do." The Admiral answered quietly. "I haven't heard that term in a very long time. Not since '75."
"What does it mean?"
"It means he's given up Mac."
"What's he given up Admiral?"
"Hope. Faith. Take your pick. In Nam the CIA would put guys into the field, guys like Harm from what I understand. Their job was to operate behind enemy lines, away from our forces. They did the really dirty jobs; assassinations, strategic strikes and the like. The Company wasn't too concerned with how sane their choices were either, as long as they got the job done. Some of the guys were real basket cases; they enjoyed the work, a lot. Some were good men who'd shown an aptitude for the work and they were also good at the jobs that needed doing. But they paid a price. Every time they went out, they said it took a little more of their soul away."
"What's this have to do with Harm?" Mac asked, standing in front of the Admiral with her hands on her hips.
"He's like those good men who sold their soul a piece at a time. There comes a time when they've sold more than they should have, more than they can ever hope to get back. They lose hope of ever being redeemed for the evil they've committed in the name of their country. Some of those guys started calling themselves the lost; I guess someone at Langley has been telling stories of the good ol' days."
"No sir, Harm would never, could never, I don't care what it looks like." Mac argued. She knew she shouldn't be talking to her CO like this, but she really didn't give a damn. She didn't like the sound of the phrase, and she wanted to know what this had to do with Harm.
"Mac, maybe you should sit down." The Admiral suggested.
"Tell me Admiral."
Slowly the Admiral stood up and started to pace the porch. "Mac, a lot of those guys didn't come back from the jungle. Some just...disappeared. Others were confirmed KIA. They just kept going out into the field until they didn't come back, one way or the other."
"Why?"
"Because they were good men at one time Mac. And they knew what they had become; they knew there was no home for them anymore. The jungle was their home, or it was their grave."
"I don't understand Admiral. Are you saying..."
"I'm saying that I think Harm thinks he's not going to come home one day. He doesn't think he can come home."
"No....no. Admiral, you're wrong." Mac said hesitantly. "Harm wouldn't give up. Harm doesn't give up. Harm's the strongest man I know."
"Mac. Listen to me Mac." The Admiral stopped his pacing and stepped up to put his hands on Mac's shoulders. "I know how strong and dogged Harm is. But you have to remember this isn't the Harm we've known for so long."
"You're wrong Admiral. Harm is Harm." Mac shook her head violently. "Oh God. He doesn't want to come back, and its all my fault." She sighed heavily, raking her fingers through her hair and closing her eyes to hold back the tears.
"It's not your fault Mac." The Admiral tried to calm the woman before him.
"It's all my fault. I never told him how much I love him. I never let him hold me. I had to keep him away. I told him it wouldn't work between us." Mac whispered.
"Did you really believe that Mac?"
"I think maybe I wanted to. Or maybe I wanted to hear him tell me I was wrong, but he didn't. He just looked at me so sadly and then walked away. He walked out of my life because I didn't want to be the first to say it." Even with all her years of practiced military discipline Mac still couldn't stop her voice from trembling.
"Mac it's not your fault. We can play the blame game all we want, but it won't bring him back. I think if we were to look closely, we'd see we all did something to hurt Harm. Damn it, I should have seen what it was doing to him; if anyone should have recognized it, I should have."
"But I was his friend Admiral. I was supposed to be his best friend and I couldn't see how much he was hurting until he was gone." Mac couldn't stop the tears any longer. The memory of the pain and anger in Harm's eyes as he turned away from her was more than she could take.
Admiral Chegwidden stood there holding Mac at a loss. He didn't know what to say or what to do anymore when it came to Harm. His conversation with Harm had shown him just how much Harm was blaming on the people at JAG, how much pain they had caused him. First the Singer murder investigation, then Sturgis and his damned sanctimonious mood swings, then Paraguay and everything that came with that. And apparently there was more between Mac and Harm than he knew. Silently he wondered how he could save a man who didn't want to be saved anymore.
A Man Called Ghost
Chapter 11
Mac stood upon the porch silently watching the street that Harm had so downheartedly ridden off on. She had no idea how long she stood there before she felt a hand on her shoulder. Looking up she saw the Admiral standing beside her.
"It's true then? Harm was here?" he asked softly.
"He was, sir." Mac answered sadly.
"It's his choice Mac, we can't make him stay when he doesn't want to."
"I think he wanted to, sir. Or at least he was starting to. I could see it when he held AJ, he still cares. I saw it in his eyes; I saw the pain in his eyes. Why did he leave Admiral?" Mac asked plaintively.
"He doesn't want us to see how much he's hurting Colonel. You know that Harm is a proud man, he always has been. He's made his choice." The Admiral replied after a moment's thought.
"He said that you went to talk to him before his last op, Admiral. Why didn't you tell me?" Mac practically hissed as she rounded on the Admiral.
"I didn't think it would be productive to tell you. Nothing resulted from my run in with Harm. In fact, I think I may have made things worse."
"What do you mean?"
"I think I opened old wounds. They may not have been fully healed but he had come to deal with them in his own way; and now they are fresh again."
Quietly, the ex-SEAL stood next to his chief of staff and watched the emotions run across her face. He was not surprised that a year had not dimmed the love Mac felt for Harm. He was of the opinion that nothing could put out that fire. The naked emotions playing across her face surprised him though. Mac usually kept her emotions as close as Harm did; it was part of the reason the two were never able to admit to each other that they felt more than friendship. Patting her awkwardly on the shoulder, softly he said, "Come on Mac...let's get back to the party. AJ's going to open his gifts soon."
As the Admiral turned and started to walk back up the steps to the house Mac stopped him suddenly. "What does it mean to be among the lost Admiral?"
"What did you say?" he questioned her in shock.
"To be among the lost. It's something Harm said before he left. That I didn't want to be in his world, that he was among the lost now. He told me to ask Webb, but seeing as I haven't really been on speaking terms with Webb for a couple months, I thought I'd ask you."
Heavily Admiral Chegwidden sat down on the top step. To be among the lost. It had been years since he'd heard anyone refer to the lost, and he was hoping he never would have to again.
"Admiral? You know what it means, don't you?" Mac pressed insistently.
"I do." The Admiral answered quietly. "I haven't heard that term in a very long time. Not since '75."
"What does it mean?"
"It means he's given up Mac."
"What's he given up Admiral?"
"Hope. Faith. Take your pick. In Nam the CIA would put guys into the field, guys like Harm from what I understand. Their job was to operate behind enemy lines, away from our forces. They did the really dirty jobs; assassinations, strategic strikes and the like. The Company wasn't too concerned with how sane their choices were either, as long as they got the job done. Some of the guys were real basket cases; they enjoyed the work, a lot. Some were good men who'd shown an aptitude for the work and they were also good at the jobs that needed doing. But they paid a price. Every time they went out, they said it took a little more of their soul away."
"What's this have to do with Harm?" Mac asked, standing in front of the Admiral with her hands on her hips.
"He's like those good men who sold their soul a piece at a time. There comes a time when they've sold more than they should have, more than they can ever hope to get back. They lose hope of ever being redeemed for the evil they've committed in the name of their country. Some of those guys started calling themselves the lost; I guess someone at Langley has been telling stories of the good ol' days."
"No sir, Harm would never, could never, I don't care what it looks like." Mac argued. She knew she shouldn't be talking to her CO like this, but she really didn't give a damn. She didn't like the sound of the phrase, and she wanted to know what this had to do with Harm.
"Mac, maybe you should sit down." The Admiral suggested.
"Tell me Admiral."
Slowly the Admiral stood up and started to pace the porch. "Mac, a lot of those guys didn't come back from the jungle. Some just...disappeared. Others were confirmed KIA. They just kept going out into the field until they didn't come back, one way or the other."
"Why?"
"Because they were good men at one time Mac. And they knew what they had become; they knew there was no home for them anymore. The jungle was their home, or it was their grave."
"I don't understand Admiral. Are you saying..."
"I'm saying that I think Harm thinks he's not going to come home one day. He doesn't think he can come home."
"No....no. Admiral, you're wrong." Mac said hesitantly. "Harm wouldn't give up. Harm doesn't give up. Harm's the strongest man I know."
"Mac. Listen to me Mac." The Admiral stopped his pacing and stepped up to put his hands on Mac's shoulders. "I know how strong and dogged Harm is. But you have to remember this isn't the Harm we've known for so long."
"You're wrong Admiral. Harm is Harm." Mac shook her head violently. "Oh God. He doesn't want to come back, and its all my fault." She sighed heavily, raking her fingers through her hair and closing her eyes to hold back the tears.
"It's not your fault Mac." The Admiral tried to calm the woman before him.
"It's all my fault. I never told him how much I love him. I never let him hold me. I had to keep him away. I told him it wouldn't work between us." Mac whispered.
"Did you really believe that Mac?"
"I think maybe I wanted to. Or maybe I wanted to hear him tell me I was wrong, but he didn't. He just looked at me so sadly and then walked away. He walked out of my life because I didn't want to be the first to say it." Even with all her years of practiced military discipline Mac still couldn't stop her voice from trembling.
"Mac it's not your fault. We can play the blame game all we want, but it won't bring him back. I think if we were to look closely, we'd see we all did something to hurt Harm. Damn it, I should have seen what it was doing to him; if anyone should have recognized it, I should have."
"But I was his friend Admiral. I was supposed to be his best friend and I couldn't see how much he was hurting until he was gone." Mac couldn't stop the tears any longer. The memory of the pain and anger in Harm's eyes as he turned away from her was more than she could take.
Admiral Chegwidden stood there holding Mac at a loss. He didn't know what to say or what to do anymore when it came to Harm. His conversation with Harm had shown him just how much Harm was blaming on the people at JAG, how much pain they had caused him. First the Singer murder investigation, then Sturgis and his damned sanctimonious mood swings, then Paraguay and everything that came with that. And apparently there was more between Mac and Harm than he knew. Silently he wondered how he could save a man who didn't want to be saved anymore.