DISCLAIMER: We do not own the rights or characters to the following movies which are spoofed in this chapter: Harry Potter, A Bug's Life, and Dodgeball. We don't own the rights or the characters to the following books which are spoofed in this chapter: The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, and Harry Potter. We also don't own any of these brand-name products: PineSol, Lime-A-Way, and Clorox Cleaning Gel.
Chapter 3: Breakfast & The First Attempt of Murder
Harry was flipping pancakes on the skillet for his plumpish, whale of a cousin, Dudley. "Put some more chocolate chips into that batter, dear cousin." Dudley said in a voice that sounded much like Heimlich the caterpillar from A Bug's Life. "Jeez, Dudley already weighs more than Uncle Vernon, and he's only 13!!!" Harry thought. "Dudley, aren't you on the grapefruit diet?" Harry questioned Dudley. "No." Dudley said with his mouth full of sausage and chocolate chip pancakes, "I'm on the salmon diet now. I don't start on the grapefruit diet until to fourth book." "What?!" Harry asked, confused. "Oh, nothing." Dudley said.
Harry finished flipping pancakes, frying sausage, scrambling eggs, and pouring coffee for his family. He finally grabbed the last plate and put on to it what was left for him of breakfast (a sausage only half eaten by Dudley, because he realized it was fat-free. And a pancake that had been dropped on the floor and had a few hairs sticking to it) and sat down at the table.
Dudley was now eating anything he can find, trying to savor his last few moments of weighing more than a new born whale. He was stuffing huge whole grapefruits into his gigantic mouth, and pouring flour and molasses in to top it all off. "Dudley, you're going to gain 50 more pounds just from breakfast!" Harry said, disgusted. "Stupid Harry, that's what liposuction is for!" Dudley replied in an I-told-you-so voice. Harry just rolled his eyes at this remark.
Uncle Vernon then entered the room, wearing hand-me-down clothes from Dudley (yes, that's how fat Dudley was now). "Well boy, are you ready for your trip to the plastic surgeon?" Uncle Vernon asked Dudley, while playfully punching his shoulder (more like punching the flab on his shoulder). "NO!" Dudley wailed, like a four year old throwing a fit, "Fat is good! Fat is good!" Dudley began chanting, but quickly ran out of breath from his lack of exercise. "Well, you know how you no longer fit in the passenger seat of our car? Petunia and I measured the trunk, and it looks like you wouldn't fit in there either. So, we removed the two back seats and we reckon you should be able to just about fit now. It might be a little uncomfortable, and you will have to take your shirt off but I know my little Soldier Dudley will manage!" Uncle Vernon finished in a proud, father-like voice.
"Um, Uncle Vernon..." Harry began. Uncle Vernon rolled his eyes at Harry. "Hmmph, what is it boy?" He asked in a disgusted voice. "I...I was just wondering..." Harry started, but was interrupted by Uncle Vernon, "Hurry up, Potter, Dudley isn't getting any thinner!" "Where do you keep the shotgun?" Harry asked. Uncle Vernon was too busy fixing Dudley's bow-tie and slicking down Dudley's giant mound of hair to give any thought as to why he should answer Harry's question. "In the cleaning closet behind the PineSol container." Uncle Vernon said, then he quickly came to his senses. "Why do you ask?" "Oh, no reason. I just thought I should know where the shotgun was so I could shoot a door-to-door salesman if one happens to come by..." Harry said. "Well, good for you Harry. That's the first good idea you've had since you were born!" Uncle Vernon replied.
"Well Dudley, time to go!" Uncle Vernon said in a cheery, sing song voice to Dudley. "I DON'T WANNA! I WANNA BE FAT FOREVER" Dudley yelled at the top of his lungs, which was such a strain on him that he passed out. "Awww, little tyke. He's worn out!" Uncle Vernon said. Then loaded Dudley into a large grocery cart and started wheeling him out the door. Just before the door shut, Uncle Vernon poked his head in and sneered at Harry, "I'd better see a dead salesman when I get home, boy!" And with that, he slammed the door.
As soon as Harry heard the latch on the door click, he bolted upstairs to the cleaning closet. Then, he threw open the closet door, grabbed the shot gun, loaded it, and walked into his room where Dobby was. He walked over to his closet and opened the door. Dobby stumbled out and started gasping for breath. "Harry Potter sir, it is SO hard to breathe in there! Dobby almost DIED!" Dobby gasped. "Oh, I forgot to mention, that's an air-tight closet." Harry shrugged, like it was no big deal (he was trying to kill Dobby, after all!). "There was no doorknob on the other side, Harry Potter sir!" Dobby said. "But I know Harry Potter would NEVER do something to hurt Dobby!" Dobby finished with a grin. Harry put on a fake smile "Uh... yeah... not you Dobby...never!"
Dobby then realized that Harry was holding a shot gun. "Harry Potter sir, Dobby wonders why Harry Potter is holding a gun." Dobby said. Harry looked down at the shotgun. "Oh, I almost forgot! We're going to...play a game!" Harry said while a sly grin formed across his face. Suddenly, Dobby's eyes became as big a tennis balls and he started jumping up and down like a hyperactive 6 year old with ADD. "YIPEEEEE!!! A game! A game! A game! Dobby LOVES games! Dobby hopes he wins! Yay! A game! A game! A game! Let's play!" Dobby was going crazy. "Calm down Dobby, Calm down! You have to know what type of game we're playing and the rules of the game before we actually play it!" Harry said, while keeping Dobby still by putting his hands on Dobby's shoulders, but Dobby was still vibrating. "What game does Harry Potter wish to play?" Dobby asked. "Well, have you ever heard of the game dodge ball?" Harry asked Dobby, half expecting Dobby to not know what he was talking about. "Yes, Harry Potter sir, Dobby has seen the movie! Ben Stiller makes Dobby laugh so much..." "Yes, the game we're going to play is exactly like dodge ball. Except instead of me trying to hit you with balls, I'm going to try to shoot you with my gun." Harry slowly explained. "So Dobby is going to dodge the bullets from Harry Potter's gun?" Dobby tried to piece together the information inside his mostly hollow skull. "That's right, Dobby!" Harry said. "But what it Dobby misses? Will Dobby get shot and gulp DIE?" Dobby asked. "No, because this is a BB gun! If you get shot, the BB's will just bounce off of you and you won't get hurt!" Harry lied. "OK! Then Dobby will play!" Dobby announced gleefully while clapping his hands.
Harry loaded the gun and aimed it at Dobby. "Here it comes Dobby." Warned Harry. BANG! But Dobby quickly moved out of the bullet's path. It went on like this till Harry ran out of ammo. Harry was pretty frustrated by now, as you could imagine. "Did Dobby win Harry Potter sir, did he?" asked a very hopeful Dobby. "Yes" Harry replied, dumbfounded with disbelief "You won." "Does Dobby get a PRIZE for winning?" Dobby asked, still very hopeful.
Then Harry got an Idea! An awful idea! HARRY POTTER GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA! "Yes, Dobby. You get a prize. Stay here, I'll go get it for you right now..." Harry said, slyly. Then he trotted off to the cleaning closet. First, he replaced the gun where it had been in front of the PineSol. Then, he started looking for Dobby's "prize". "Hmm...what can I feed him...?" Harry thought. "Lime-a-way? Nah...Clorox Cleaning Gel? Oh, Nontoxic, too bad. A HAH!" Harry picked up a box of rat poison. "I'll give this to Dobby ...hehehe" Harry went back to his room.
"Dobby, I'm back!" Harry said rather merrily. "Ooh! Ooh! Did Harry Potter get Dobby a prize? Did he? Did he? Did he?" Dobby went back into hyperactive 6 year old mode. "DOBBY, JEEZ! I'm not giving it to you if you don't stay still!" Harry shouted. This made Dobby automatically sit down on the dusty floor. Harry grabbed a couple of rat poison pellets from the box behind his back. "Alright Dobby, hold out your hand!" Harry said with a hint of fake enthusiasm in his voice. Dobby reached out his hand, and Harry placed the pellets into it. Dobby just stared at them with a puzzled look on his face. "Dobby wonders what this is..." Dobby said. "It's candy." Harry said. "Candy?" Dobby said, confused. "Yes candy! You're supposed to eat it!" Harry replied, annoyed. "Wow, Dobby is even stupider than I thought!" Harry thought. And with that, Dobby shoved the rat pellets into his mouth-which was rather large for a creature of his size.