Author's Note: My first and only one-shot. I had a written list of potential story plots, and since I'm pretty much stuck on all of my other stories, I decided to write this one to get the creative juices flowing again. I'm still not sure how this turned out, but I'll leave that for you to judge.
Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. Or much of anything else, for that matter.
Camellia sinensis
or
Curing Camellia sinensis (green tea) addiction with hot water, counting, and stimulation of amnesia
Abstract:
The pain was beyond anything that Misao had ever imagined – it was almost to the point of being unbearable.
She felt torn, she felt imprisoned, and, worst of all, she felt like there was nothing she could do about it.
Misao was drowning…didn't Aoshi realize it? She was drowning…
…Drowning in TEA!
Introduction:
Oddly enough, Misao liked routine. It was, of course, a little-known fact, but she liked having certain things that anchored her down (she was pretty light after all, and her rather hyperactive personality didn't help her seem very grounded either). Every morning, she did more or less the same thing: roll out of bed, brush her teeth, run downstairs and yell "OH NO! AOSHI-SAMA'S TEA!", and get Aoshi's tea ready.
This morning was different. Misao woke up with a sore back, a sore throat, a sore neck, and a sore everything. She didn't feel like rolling out of bed, so, instead, she proceeded to fall out of bed.
Many a wise man/woman has hypothesized that "Variety is good for one's health." So, one could surmise that falling out of bed was to Misao's benefit.
Not the case.
Since she already had a sore back, a sore throat, a sore neck, and a sore everything, there was nothing left to be sore—so, instead, she got big, nasty bruises on her left knee and her right elbow.
She knew—as everyone else did—that this was a sign that the day would be…different.
Brushing her teeth was next, which, thankfully, she did. At least something went right.
Next came running down the stairs, which she did not do. Instead, she decided—or was forced—to follow the wise man/woman's advice. Today, she fell down the stairs instead of running down the stairs. Alas, the wise man/woman's theory proved incorrect once more.
Since she already had a sore back, a sore throat, a sore neck, a sore everything, and bruises on her left knee and right elbow, she couldn't possibly be sore or get bruised in those places again. To make up for this, she got big, nasty bruises on her right knee and left elbow.
Misao knew it then; she knew it very well. This was going to be a horrible day.
She stumbled into the kitchen—without yelling "OH NO! AOSHI-SAMA'S TEA!"—and pulled out the teapot.
That was when it happened—"it" referring to the unusual hatred that began welling up inside of her. Misao recognized "it" instantly.
This was a crucial turning point in her life; she now discovered that she hated Aoshi's most treasured beverage: green tea. Keeping this heart-wrenching revelation to herself, she looked around the kitchen stealthily to see if Okina or the others had noticed what she had—but no, they had their backs turned toward her.
Careful not to let the others see, Misao resolved to purge Aoshi of his love for this heinous drink.
Multiple-working hypotheses:
Immediately, multiple plans began forming in her mind, and she had it. Misao smiled. Her plans were so simple, yet so brilliant. If only she hadn't already put so much effort into being the world's greatest kunoichi—but no, she had no room for regret. Not now. Not when her newly discovered talent would aid Aoshi-sama in some way.
Quickly, Misao scribbled down the general overview of her ingenious plot.
The "New Kind of Tea" Method
It can be hypothesized that the desire for green tea is only a mental issue. If the individual believes that he (or she, as currently, all evidence seems to imply that tea addiction symptoms are identical in individuals of both genders) is drinking tea when he is not, then he may overcome the addiction to it. One easy way to do this is to boil hot water and serve to the one afflicted with tea-addiction. Tell him that it is a new kind of tea, and if he cannot tell the difference, then he is cured.
The "Count to Ten" Method
This method involves the complicated and difficult action of counting to ten. It can be theorized that the desire for the caffeine- and anti-oxidant-rich beverage known as 'tea' can be terminated or at least contained by counting to ten. This can be done successfully in the following manner: "one…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten…" Remind the test subject to enunciate each number slowly and clearly. However, if counting to ten is not enough, one may count to as high as he (or she, for reasons stated previously) prefers.
The "Hit the Tea-Addict On His Head—Maybe He Will Get Amnesia" Method
First, in order to initiate the treatment, hit the tea-addict on his (or her) head with a fist and/or any other preferred item, such as a shoe, a book, or anything else. If the individual is hit hard enough, he may get amnesia. If the tea-addict does not get amnesia on the first try, keep on trying until you arrive at the desired outcome. Because the individual now has amnesia, he will not be able to remember that he likes tea. Therefore, the problem is solved.
Experimental Procedure:
The following text pertains to the testing of the three methods aforementioned. All tests are conducted by a trained individual, a.k.a. Misao.
Experiment #1:
Due to the victim's regrettable addiction/enslavement to the evil drink known as 'tea' (Camellia sinensis), Misao, a self-sacrificing pioneer in...science, dedicates her time to the find the cure to this affliction. The text below meticulously reports the results of the first method, as filed by Makimachi Misao.
Analysis of the "New Kind of Tea" Method:
Aoshi could feel a dull throbbing in the back of his head—this meant that it was nearly time. After years of being an experienced ninja, he was familiar with codes, and he soon began to understand the codes of his body.
A growling stomach meant hunger, a fast-beating heart meant fear, and dumb thoughts such as the one being stated right now meant that the individual had a caffeine level that was dangerously low. Aoshi discovered that many of the codes pertained to the lack of caffeine, such as the one he was experiencing at the moment – a throbbing in the back of his head. He wasn't worried, though. Misao always showed up at the right time with his tea.
He heard the door slide open and gave a mental sigh of relief. Ah yes, here was Misao with his tea, as reliable as the sun, as dependable as the…
"I brought you some…uh…tea…" Misao said. Her voice sounded a little stiff.
Aoshi opened his eyes.
That's odd…I don't smell any tea…
Sensing that something was wrong, Misao blinked and asked, "Uh…Aoshi-sama? Is anything wrong?"
Aoshi thought for a moment. Part of the reason why he was always seen 'quiet' and 'stoic' was because he was never sure whether the question or statement was worth answering. When he finally decided on something, it would be too late to answer it anyway.
Should he answer Misao's question? It seemed pretty important to him. But was it now too late to answer the question? What if the question was just a rhetorical question? Did Misao really want an answer to that? However, Aoshi wanted to answer it. He had a pressing matter on his mind.
A few minutes later, Aoshi said, "…I think…you forgot to bring the…tea…" with a note of urgency in his voice. Misao jumped—she hadn't been expecting an answer especially since he had stayed silent for so long. Even worse, she hadn't been expecting to tell her lie so soon. Which is perfectly fine, she reminded herself. It's for his own good.
Without answering, she averted Aoshi's eyes and instead, focused onto the floor. Pouring hot, boiling water into the two teacups, Misao quietly put Aoshi's cup in front of him, hoping he wouldn't notice that his statement had been left unopposed.
Confused, Aoshi picked up the teacup. Maybe Misao hadn't heard him. He cleared his throat. "Misao…"
Misao jumped, the scalding water slopping over the edge of her cup and onto her hand. "OW!—erm, yes, Aoshi-sama?"
"Did you hear what I said?"
"N-no…I mean…yes…well…kind of…ah…yeah." Misao leaned back and began to sip the 'tea', again trying to avoid answering.
"Well?" Aoshi sipped the 'tea' as well.
"It's…a…different…kind…of…of…tea…" Misao said, her voice sounding a few pitches too high.
Really? Aoshi sipped his 'tea' again, hoping to taste at least something different. Unfortunately, all he could taste was hot water. What was he supposed to say? If this really was a different kind of tea, would it hurt Misao's feelings to tell her that it tasted like water?
As most self-respecting tea brewers know, saying (even innocently, in passing, or conversationally) that one's tea tastes like water is the ultimate insult. He didn't want to insult Misao.
Aoshi brought the cup to his lips and sipped again. No. He couldn't take this much longer. He had to say something.
"It…tastes…bland, like…water…"
There. He said it. Aoshi had always believed that talking was not the easiest task in the world. He was wrong. Talking, in itself, was a rather simple thing to do. If he opened his mouth, words (or whatever he happened to be eating at the moment) usually came out. He came to the realization that talking diplomatically was not the easiest thing in the world.
"Well…it's…a special…water-flavored…tea…" Misao replied, clearly growing frustrated. "It's… um…supposed to taste like…water…"
Aoshi stared.
This was bad. Misao had hoped that Aoshi wouldn't get suspicious—at least not so early in the game. She just needed to calmly assess the situation and—
Misao exploded. "OKAY! So it's tea-free tea! What's the difference?! Water, tea—same thing! I'm sick of tea! I hate it—and you should too! I THINK IT'S TIME YOU FOUND SOMETHING NEW TO DRINK!"
Aoshi blinked. I knew I shouldn't have said that her tea tasted like water…
The throbbing in the back of his head grew worse. If he didn't get his tea soon…well, he didn't want to think about it.
The silence was deafening.
Misao shifted uncomfortably and began gathering the teacups and setting them back onto the tray.
"What about my tea?" Aoshi asked, breaking the silence. He needed to know.
Giving a very unsatisfying, "…er…" for an answer, Misao stood and walked quickly out of the temple.
RESULTS OF EXPERIMENT #1: Because the individual was not cured of his addiction to tea, it can only be concluded this method is ineffective.
Aoshi looked after Misao for a moment and then shrugged. He didn't do anything wrong, did he?
There was probably something he just didn't know about females—maybe they all went through this tea-hating phase. After all, how exactly was he to know?
Aoshi wisely deduced that Misao wasn't going to come back soon—at least not with his tea. This decided, Aoshi stood up, stretched his legs, and headed toward the Aoiya. He would just have to go and make the tea himself.
Experiment #2:
Because the "New Kind of Tea" Method was regrettably disproved, the professional researcher has now moved on to the second experiment. The text below is a detailed report on the second method, as filed by Makimachi Misao.
Analysis of the "Count to Ten" Method:
In the kitchen, Aoshi picked up a rather battered teapot that had been sitting on the table, and, looking helplessly around, he began searching for the tea leaves. Where were they? He had never had to make his own tea in a very long time. Should he go and ask Misao where the tea was?
Aoshi thought hard and was graced with the memory of the scene that had only taken place moments before.
Shaking his head, Aoshi decided that asking Misao would not be a very good idea. He was getting good at deciding things, Aoshi decided. Perhaps his decision-making skills had been one of the qualities that made him such a great leader. Aoshi pondered this for a moment. So, maybe he had always been good at deciding things. He couldn't be a leader without making a few decisions. Or was he just getting good? Because he was sure he had just decided moments ago that he was only getting good at deciding things. Or what if he wasn't good but was just getting better? So confusing.
Oh, right. Tea.
Right on cue, Misao walked through the door. She stopped once she noticed Aoshi, and a smile began to form on her face, which unfortunately never got to its widest width. Misao spotted the teapot in his hands, and her eyes narrowed, while her lips tightened with disapproval. She should have destroyed the annoying thing when she had the chance.
"What are you doing, Aoshi-sama?"
Aoshi looked at her for a moment. Was he supposed to answer that? Did she really want him to answer that? What if the question was one of those rhetorical questions that aren't meant to be answered? If he said anything about tea, then she might get angry. He then noticed that he held the teapot in his hands.
Quickly, he set it down on a table and put his hands in his pockets. That should successfully hide the fact that his hands were shaking.
Misao crossed her arms. "Well…?"
Okay, so she did want an answer from him. If that's what she wanted…well…of course, Aoshi did have something important to ask, though he wasn't sure if it would be met with a pleasant answer. He decided to ask his question anyway (see, he could make decisions!).
"Do you know where the tea is?" There. That wasn't so hard, was it?
Misao sighed. "Aoshi-sama…hand me the teapot, please."
He gave it to her. Was she going to make the tea for him? Aoshi glanced at Misao hopefully and turned quickly away.
Silence.
Aoshi waited.
Finally, Misao spoke. "Aoshi-sama?"
He looked at her.
"Will you do me a favor?" she asked. "Will you count to ten for me, please?"
Aoshi blinked. Whatever he had been expecting, it certainly hadn't been that. Again, he wasn't sure if she wanted him to answer it. What if she wasn't serious? What if it was just a joke? If he complied, would she think of him as stupid for the rest of his life?
He decided not to say anything and waited for her reaction. If she really did want him to count to ten, she would say it again.
"Will you, Aoshi-sama? Count out loud."
"You're serious?"
"I'm completely serious."
Aoshi thought for a moment. Counting to ten seemed harmless enough—but why would Misao want him to do such a ridiculous thing? What was this supposed to accomplish? Aoshi shrugged. If counting to ten was what she wanted, he would just do it.
"One…two…three…four…five…six…seven…eight…nine…ten…"
Misao smiled. Aoshi had counted perfectly, enunciating each number slowly and clearly—and he had even left pauses for the ellipses. Just as she had planned.
"Okay, I guess you won't be needing this, right?" Misao held up the teapot. "I'll just throw this away…"
"Don't throw it away, Misao," Aoshi said. "You know how much I like tea."
Misao paused. Maybe she heard incorrectly. "What?" she sputtered.
"Don't throw it away, Misao."
Sighing in defeat, Misao handed the teapot back to Aoshi. "There. Have it. But don't say I didn't warn you. Tea is no good—one day, you'll realize just how utterly sick of it you'll be. Then you'll see—you'll see that I was right."
Aoshi blinked. Was this the right time to ask? He really had no choice.
"Do you know where the tea is?" he asked. He had to know.
Misao stormed out of the kitchen.
RESULTS OF EXPERIMENT #2: According to the data shown from our observations, counting to ten is not an adequate way to cure the addiction of tea. Therefore, it can only be concluded that the 'Count to Ten' method is ineffective.
Aoshi was still in the kitchen looking for the location of the tea. Maybe Okon or Omasu would know.
But where were they at the moment? And what if Misao had thrown the tea away?
Aoshi shuddered. If he didn't find it…!
Experiment #3:
Due to the regrettable failure of both the first and second methods, the unfortunate researcher will faithfully record the results of the third, and last, method. The text below describes in detail the results of the third experiment, as filed by Misao Makimachi.
Analysis of the "Hit the Tea-Addict On His Head—Maybe He Will Get Amnesia" Method:
"Misao? What are you doing?" Aoshi asked, as he dodged one of her punches.
Misao aimed another punch at his head, which he easily avoided. "Aoshi-sama? Will you do me another favor?" She threw a plate at him.
Thinking for a moment, Aoshi caught the plate and set it carefully on the table. Did she want him to answer that? Or was she just trying to distract him so she could hit him? But why would she want to hit him? He didn't do anything to her to offend her—did he?
Well, there was that comment about how her tea tasted like water, but he was sure it had nothing to do with that.
"Well…?" Misao said impatiently, as she aimed a kick at him.
"What kind of favor?" Aoshi asked, as he dodged her kick.
"Let…me…hit…you…on…the…head!"
What kind of favor was that? Well, at least it definitely answered his question. She did want to hit him on the head. But why?
"Why?" he asked, as he dodged a chair.
"Just…let…me…do…it…!"
Aoshi considered it for a moment—he really did. But no, he couldn't just let anyone hit him on the head. He was the (former) Okashira of the Oniwanbanshu! No one, not even Misao, could hit the Okashira on the head and get away with it. No, he could not allow it. Not even for the sake of science.
Aoshi chose not to answer. It was probably too late, anyway. He had paused too long.
As Misao punched, Aoshi dodged. As she threw objects, Aoshi caught them. As Misao kicked, Aoshi blocked.
It was a vicious, never-ending cycle—that is, until Misao finally grew too tired to really aim properly any longer.
"ARGH! Aoshi-sama…don't drink tea! Please! I absolutely hate it…"
Pausing, Aoshi wondered if it was the right time to ask. It probably wasn't, but he did so anyway.
"Misao? Could you tell me where the tea is?" He had to know.
Misao threw a final plate at him and stormed out of the kitchen.
RESULTS OF EXPERIMENT #3: Since the researcher failed to land even a single blow on the test subject's head, the test subject wasn't able to get amnesia. Therefore, it can only be concluded that the "Hit the Tea-Addict On His Head—Maybe He Will Get Amnesia" Method is ineffective.
"Aoshi-sama? Here, give me the teapot."
Aoshi looked warily at Misao. "Why do you want it?" he asked carefully.
Misao paused and then sighed. "I'm going to make you some tea," she said finally, in a defeated voice.
Results, Discussion, and Conclusion:
According to all test results, it is impossible to rid the tea-addict of his addiction to tea (Camellia sinensis). Countless tests were conducted on the test subject, and all of the results pointed in this direction.
Therefore, if you happen to have a family member, friend, or enemy who has a tea addiction that you wish to be rid of, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
The End
Author's Note: I realized too late that the whole "scientific journal article" format wouldn't work perfectly, as I couldn't separate the results from the experimental procedure without confusing too many people. Oh well. I don't do one-shots very often, so I guess this is a nice change. I hope you enjoyed it, and please leave a review on your way out. :)