A Man Called Ghost
Chapter 21
Harm was quiet the whole way back to his apartment. The police officer had returned informing him his blood alcohol level was 0.06, meaning he was not legally drunk and would not be charged with driving under the influence. However he would have to go to the police station tomorrow morning and make a formal statement; hopefully he would remember more details.
Mac was getting tired of biting her tongue. The anger that she had first felt when Harm revealed how much he'd had to drink before getting behind the wheel of his car had faded to the dull ache of disappointment. Disappointment in herself for not wanting to notice how bad it was with Harm, and disappointment in Harm for giving in to his demons with a bottle.
She'd paced the hospital for a good hour before the Doctor had found her to inform her that he was ready to release Harm on the understanding he would have to come back later that week for a check up. Signing the papers she'd gone back to get Harm and after a short argument, convinced him to let her drive him home.
"We need to talk." She finally said as they pulled up to Harm's apartment.
"We've said all we need to say." He muttered in reply.
"No, no we haven't. I've had a year to realize how much more there is to say." Mac disagreed.
"Not now, I'm not in the mood." Harm tried again.
"Fine, you don't have to say a thing. I'll talk and you listen." Mac said angrily.
After a moment's consideration Harm just shook his head and gingerly got out of the car. Mac was stunned at his lack of response, his lack of argument. Harm never just gave up. Quickly she got out of the car and moved towards the door to the building as Harm disappeared inside. With a yank, Mac opened the door and followed Harm into the building.
"Harm? Damn it Harm, stop and look at me."
"I told you, there's nothing more to say." Harm said as he rounded on Mac. "You had your say, I took you at your word, and that was it." With a sigh he turned and started making his way back to the elevator, swearing when he discovered the sign proclaiming it was out of order.
Mac wasn't about to back down now, after she'd screwed up her courage to go to the restaurant the night before. "There's a lot we need to talk about Harm, and we're going to do it now, either in your apartment or here in the hallway, you decide.
As soon as the words were out of her mouth she knew Harm would call her on it. "Fine. Talk."
Looking around Mac eyed the wide hallway and shrugged her shoulders. "Alright if this is how you want it, we'll do it here. What the hell were you thinking Rabb!? Getting behind the wheel after you've had five beers? I thought you were smarter than that."
"Look, I wasn't drunk. I know when I'm drunk." Harm said defensively. As his elderly downstairs neighbor came down the hallway with a smile for them both, Harm changed his mind. "I'm going upstairs."
Mac chased after Harm as soon as his feet started to move. She'd get back to the drinking later. "So why haven't you stayed in touch?"
"I told you before, it's better for everyone if I don't." Harm said enigmatically as he opened the door to his apartment.
"I don't think so. Bud and Harriet don't think so, Sturgis doesn't think so. Harm, we all want you in our lives, even if you're not at JAG."
"Right. Well that's not the impression I got."
"What made you think we didn't want you in our...in my life?" Mac asked.
"Paraguay." Harm said quietly. He knew he didn't want to have this conversation with her, and it would hurt her a lot less if he hurt her now than let her resume her place in the center of his world.
Mac looked like he'd punched her at his single low word. "Paraguay?"
"Damn it Mac." Harm shouted slamming his hand down on the counter. "Yes, Paraguay. You and Webb looked to be so close, so comfortable with each other." He spat out.
"Harm, you know what its like when you face danger, it brings you closer together with the person you faced it with." Mac tried reasoning with him.
"Well I could certainly see how close it brought you two." Harm reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. His head was killing him and each breath still brought a twinge of pain. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out the pain killers the doctor had given him and downed two of them.
"There's nothing between Clay and I, Harm. Honestly, we're just friends."
"Great, well, we're just friends and that hasn't stopped me from" Harm bit down on his tongue as he thought about what he was saying.
"Hasn't stopped you from what?" Mac asked quietly, stepping closer.
"Nothing. It's not important. Anyway, haven't we beat this to death already?" Harm muttered as he finished the water and tossed the bottle in the sink. He reached into a cupboard to pull out a bottle of scotch and set it on the counter, then turned around to get a glass. When he turned back, Mac had picked up the bottle and moved it away from him.
"You're not going to find whatever it is you're looking for in there Harm." She said tenderly.
"What the fuck do you know about what I'm looking for?" Harm thundered as he slammed the glass down on the countertop. "Give me that!"
"I'm sorry Harm. First off, you just took your medication; you don't need to toss some alcohol on top of that. Secondly, I know that no matter what you're looking for, it won't be in this." Mac said holding up the bottle of scotch. She took a moment to take a quick look around the apartment and was suddenly appalled that she hadn't seen how many empty bottles were lying around the place.
"Give me that God damn you!"
"No! I will not. And you don't need it." Mac said taking a step back from Harm. She had no idea how violent he would get if she kept the bottle from him. "How could you Harm?" she asked with the pain evident in her voice.
"How could I what?" he asked bitterly.
"Fall into a bottle? You're stronger than that Harm; I thought you'd learned from my mistakes."
"It's real easy Mac, you know that."
"You're stronger than that Harm, you're stronger than I was." Mac repeated quietly. She needed him to be stronger than that.
With a snort Harm turned his back to her and ran his hand through his matted hair. "No I'm not." He said quietly.
"You are Harm. Please look at me?" Mac pleaded. "I know you Harm, and you're stronger than anyone I've ever met."
"Not anymore." Harm muttered.
"What happened to you?" Mac asked as she set down the bottle and stepped up to place a hand on his arm. She was only mildly surprised when he pulled his arm away like he'd been burned.
With a sigh, Harm shook his head. To answer that question would be to send her running.
"Harm will you do something for me?" Mac asked in a hushed voice.
"I don't know if I can Mac." Harm answered in just as quiet a tone. He didn't even know what she was going to ask, but he knew he didn't have the right to give her anything anymore.
"I know you can Harm, I have faith in you."
"You shouldn't." Harm said bitterly as he stepped away from her.
"I always have." Mac answered as she followed him. "One little thing Harm, that's all I ask for now."
"What?" Harm asked after holding his breath for an eternity.
"Tonight, no more alcohol?"
"I can't do that Mac." Harm answered harshly.
"You can Harm. I know you won't do it for me, but will you do it for yourself?"
"You don't know what you're asking."
"I know exactly what I'm asking Harm. Please?"
"Whatever." Harm mumbled, hoping she wouldn't press it.
"Please Harm? Promise me you won't drink tonight. Just one night." Mac asked as she stepped around him to look up into his eyes.
Harm laughed bitterly when he heard those words. 'Just one night.' How many times had he dreamt of saying the same thing to her? Just one night, please could they be together. The irony of it was almost amusing. "Fine. I promise." He finally agreed.
Chapter 21
Harm was quiet the whole way back to his apartment. The police officer had returned informing him his blood alcohol level was 0.06, meaning he was not legally drunk and would not be charged with driving under the influence. However he would have to go to the police station tomorrow morning and make a formal statement; hopefully he would remember more details.
Mac was getting tired of biting her tongue. The anger that she had first felt when Harm revealed how much he'd had to drink before getting behind the wheel of his car had faded to the dull ache of disappointment. Disappointment in herself for not wanting to notice how bad it was with Harm, and disappointment in Harm for giving in to his demons with a bottle.
She'd paced the hospital for a good hour before the Doctor had found her to inform her that he was ready to release Harm on the understanding he would have to come back later that week for a check up. Signing the papers she'd gone back to get Harm and after a short argument, convinced him to let her drive him home.
"We need to talk." She finally said as they pulled up to Harm's apartment.
"We've said all we need to say." He muttered in reply.
"No, no we haven't. I've had a year to realize how much more there is to say." Mac disagreed.
"Not now, I'm not in the mood." Harm tried again.
"Fine, you don't have to say a thing. I'll talk and you listen." Mac said angrily.
After a moment's consideration Harm just shook his head and gingerly got out of the car. Mac was stunned at his lack of response, his lack of argument. Harm never just gave up. Quickly she got out of the car and moved towards the door to the building as Harm disappeared inside. With a yank, Mac opened the door and followed Harm into the building.
"Harm? Damn it Harm, stop and look at me."
"I told you, there's nothing more to say." Harm said as he rounded on Mac. "You had your say, I took you at your word, and that was it." With a sigh he turned and started making his way back to the elevator, swearing when he discovered the sign proclaiming it was out of order.
Mac wasn't about to back down now, after she'd screwed up her courage to go to the restaurant the night before. "There's a lot we need to talk about Harm, and we're going to do it now, either in your apartment or here in the hallway, you decide.
As soon as the words were out of her mouth she knew Harm would call her on it. "Fine. Talk."
Looking around Mac eyed the wide hallway and shrugged her shoulders. "Alright if this is how you want it, we'll do it here. What the hell were you thinking Rabb!? Getting behind the wheel after you've had five beers? I thought you were smarter than that."
"Look, I wasn't drunk. I know when I'm drunk." Harm said defensively. As his elderly downstairs neighbor came down the hallway with a smile for them both, Harm changed his mind. "I'm going upstairs."
Mac chased after Harm as soon as his feet started to move. She'd get back to the drinking later. "So why haven't you stayed in touch?"
"I told you before, it's better for everyone if I don't." Harm said enigmatically as he opened the door to his apartment.
"I don't think so. Bud and Harriet don't think so, Sturgis doesn't think so. Harm, we all want you in our lives, even if you're not at JAG."
"Right. Well that's not the impression I got."
"What made you think we didn't want you in our...in my life?" Mac asked.
"Paraguay." Harm said quietly. He knew he didn't want to have this conversation with her, and it would hurt her a lot less if he hurt her now than let her resume her place in the center of his world.
Mac looked like he'd punched her at his single low word. "Paraguay?"
"Damn it Mac." Harm shouted slamming his hand down on the counter. "Yes, Paraguay. You and Webb looked to be so close, so comfortable with each other." He spat out.
"Harm, you know what its like when you face danger, it brings you closer together with the person you faced it with." Mac tried reasoning with him.
"Well I could certainly see how close it brought you two." Harm reached into the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. His head was killing him and each breath still brought a twinge of pain. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out the pain killers the doctor had given him and downed two of them.
"There's nothing between Clay and I, Harm. Honestly, we're just friends."
"Great, well, we're just friends and that hasn't stopped me from" Harm bit down on his tongue as he thought about what he was saying.
"Hasn't stopped you from what?" Mac asked quietly, stepping closer.
"Nothing. It's not important. Anyway, haven't we beat this to death already?" Harm muttered as he finished the water and tossed the bottle in the sink. He reached into a cupboard to pull out a bottle of scotch and set it on the counter, then turned around to get a glass. When he turned back, Mac had picked up the bottle and moved it away from him.
"You're not going to find whatever it is you're looking for in there Harm." She said tenderly.
"What the fuck do you know about what I'm looking for?" Harm thundered as he slammed the glass down on the countertop. "Give me that!"
"I'm sorry Harm. First off, you just took your medication; you don't need to toss some alcohol on top of that. Secondly, I know that no matter what you're looking for, it won't be in this." Mac said holding up the bottle of scotch. She took a moment to take a quick look around the apartment and was suddenly appalled that she hadn't seen how many empty bottles were lying around the place.
"Give me that God damn you!"
"No! I will not. And you don't need it." Mac said taking a step back from Harm. She had no idea how violent he would get if she kept the bottle from him. "How could you Harm?" she asked with the pain evident in her voice.
"How could I what?" he asked bitterly.
"Fall into a bottle? You're stronger than that Harm; I thought you'd learned from my mistakes."
"It's real easy Mac, you know that."
"You're stronger than that Harm, you're stronger than I was." Mac repeated quietly. She needed him to be stronger than that.
With a snort Harm turned his back to her and ran his hand through his matted hair. "No I'm not." He said quietly.
"You are Harm. Please look at me?" Mac pleaded. "I know you Harm, and you're stronger than anyone I've ever met."
"Not anymore." Harm muttered.
"What happened to you?" Mac asked as she set down the bottle and stepped up to place a hand on his arm. She was only mildly surprised when he pulled his arm away like he'd been burned.
With a sigh, Harm shook his head. To answer that question would be to send her running.
"Harm will you do something for me?" Mac asked in a hushed voice.
"I don't know if I can Mac." Harm answered in just as quiet a tone. He didn't even know what she was going to ask, but he knew he didn't have the right to give her anything anymore.
"I know you can Harm, I have faith in you."
"You shouldn't." Harm said bitterly as he stepped away from her.
"I always have." Mac answered as she followed him. "One little thing Harm, that's all I ask for now."
"What?" Harm asked after holding his breath for an eternity.
"Tonight, no more alcohol?"
"I can't do that Mac." Harm answered harshly.
"You can Harm. I know you won't do it for me, but will you do it for yourself?"
"You don't know what you're asking."
"I know exactly what I'm asking Harm. Please?"
"Whatever." Harm mumbled, hoping she wouldn't press it.
"Please Harm? Promise me you won't drink tonight. Just one night." Mac asked as she stepped around him to look up into his eyes.
Harm laughed bitterly when he heard those words. 'Just one night.' How many times had he dreamt of saying the same thing to her? Just one night, please could they be together. The irony of it was almost amusing. "Fine. I promise." He finally agreed.