A Man Called Ghost
Chapter 23
Harm wasn't too sure what to make of it when Mac followed him up to his apartment after driving him home from the Hole. Once, a long time ago, he wouldn't have thought anything of inviting her up to his apartment; it had happened all the time. That time in their lives seemed so long ago. Now he couldn't remember the last time he felt comfortable enough with her just following him in. A couple of hours ago he'd been trying to hide from her. Now a part of him was actually glad she was there. Stopping at the door to his building, he turned and looked at her intently.
Mac stopped suddenly when confronted with Harm's intense gaze. She saw so many emotions in his eyes, but couldn't name one. "What?" she asked.
"Mac, you don't have to do this." Harm said quietly, knowing he needed to give it one more shot. Once she followed him, Harm wasn't sure if he could protect her from what she might find.
Mac bit her tongue to stop the instant retort she felt coming out. This man certainly knew how to push her buttons, good and bad. "Harm, I told you that I wanted to help. I need to be here, be with you, to do that. I can't help you from Georgetown, not yet. I have to do this Harm, I can't let you fall down the way I did."
With a sigh Harm slowly nodded. Mac was still every bit as tenacious as she'd always been. There was no way he could just get rid of her. It was just like that time he'd ditched her outside his apartment when he went to confront Diane's killer. Not even his abandoning her in the rain could stop her from coming to him. If Harm was to be completely honest with himself, she was probably the only reason he hadn't shot Hobarth outright. God, he hadn't thought about that night in a long time.
"Harm?" Mac asked when he stopped holding the door half open. "What is it?"
"Huh? Oh, nothing." Harm said shaking his head as if to clear it.
"Harm?"
"Just thinking about Hobarth." Harm said quietly. "The first of many."
"Hobarth?" Mac said quietly. "The XO of the Seahawk who killed Diane?"
"Yeah." Harm said as he yanked the door all the way open and walked through it. Mac didn't pursue the matter as she followed him up the stairs to his apartment.
After Harm had unlocked and entered the apartment Mac moved towards the couch while he went into the bathroom.
"Why were you thinking about Hobarth? And what did you mean when you said 'The first of many'?" Mac asked over the sound of Harm running the water in the bathroom sink.
It was a moment before Harm walked back down from his bedroom. His face wet with splashed water. "Honestly, I was thinking about how you wouldn't let me abandon you that night." Harm said with a short bark of bitter laughter. "I didn't pull the trigger, but I killed him all the same. The first of many I played judge and jury for. Oh and executioner, we can't forget about that part." He snapped.
"What are you talking about Harm? You didn't kill Hobarth, he fell between the ship and the dock. If anything seeing me caused the accident, but it was just that. An accident."
"Mac, if I hadn't gone there that night, if I hadn't tricked him into leaving the ship, if I hadn't wanted to kill him he wouldn't be dead." Harm said with an edge to his voice.
"Harm, if you hadn't gone after him he would have gotten away with murdering Diane." Mac said softly.
With a snort Harm started to pace the apartment restlessly. Mac sighed, stood up, and moved to the kitchen. When Harm saw her grab the bottle of scotch off the counter, where it had sat for three days, he stopped his pacing. "Mac? What the fuck are you doing?"
"This." Mac said as she upended the bottle over the sink. Her eyes locked onto Harm's daring him to try and stop her. "You don't need this anymore Harm."
Frowning, Harm's eyes grew wide with rage as he watched Mac move onto the fridge where she started to pull out all the bottles of beer he'd put in there. "Put those right the hell back where you found them!!?"
"I told you Harm, you don't need this stuff anymore. It doesn't help, and actually it only hurts you. You can't hide from your demons Harm, you know that."
"Well I can't beat these demons either." Harm said through clenched teeth.
"Why not?" Mac asked with compassion.
"Because I am my demon!" He shouted after a few moments.
Mac stood with a beer bottle in hand, poised to dump it out as she looked closely at Harm. Fear rising within her at the horror in his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"The nightmares Mac. They aren't about things happening to me. They're about things I've done, people I've killed." Harm whirled around to stare her down. "So, tell me doctor, how am I supposed to deal with that!"
With a sigh Mac dumped the last beer bottle out and set it on the counter. Turning on the faucet she washed the alcohol down the drain and ran her hands under the stream for good measure. She had to remain calm if she was going to help Harm. Wiping her hands on the dish towel she moved back towards the couch, touching Harm on the shoulder as she moved past him. "Harm, please sit down? We need to talk about this."
She couldn't help but smile at the way Harm's face was all screwed up tightly when he finally sat down beside her on the couch. He obviously was having second thoughts about this whole talking thing, and that was classic Harm. The Harm that she had fallen in love with so many years before; the one who didn't want to talk about anything serious. And as much as she was annoyed by that at times, it was still part of the man she loved.
"Tell me about the nightmares?" she prompted.
"I'd rather not." Harm said harshly.
"They're the reason you drink so much?" Mac asked.
"No. I drink for the nice warming sensation in my stomach." Harm answered sarcastically. "Of course I drink to keep the nightmares away."
"Is that why you haven't been sleeping much?" Mac asked softly. She'd noticed how tired he looked in Iraq, at AJ's birthday party and any other number of times she'd seen him in the last couple months.
"Whatever gave you that idea?" he retorted with a brittle edge to his voice.
With a deep sigh Mac struggled to retain control of her emotions. She couldn't give in to the urge to snap back at Harm or she would lose whatever chance she had of helping him. "Harm, I can just look at you and tell you that you haven't been eating or sleeping. Why did the doctors clear you back to work?"
"You'd have to ask them. Apparently I'm fit enough to murder people."
"What?" Mac gasped.
"You were there Mac. You know what I do for the Company; I kill people. And I'm good at it, that's why they keep sending me out to do it." Harm said with a hard little laugh. "I guess there's something to be said for applying yourself to your work."
"Why do you keep doing it Harm? Obviously if its giving you nightmares..." Mac trailed off at a loss for what else to say. She wanted to help him so badly, but she didn't know how to.
"What else am I going to do? There's not a huge market out there for ex- spooks."
"You know what I mean Harm. I thought you joined the CIA to fly?"
"Seems they needed my other talents more." Harm said jumping to his feet once more to begin pacing.
Sighing, Mac watched Harm pace for a few minutes, not saying anything. There really wasn't anything she could say. Finally she stood up and put a hand on his shoulder, bringing him to a stop. "Harm, it's late, and you need to sleep. Please?"
"I'm not going to sleep Mac, don't fool yourself." Harm shook off Mac's gentle grip on his shoulder.
"Damn it Rabb, you need sleep. Get your ass into that bed, right now. I'll even stay here, on the couch if it makes you feel better to have someone around."
"You don't need to do that. Just because I can't sleep doesn't mean you should lose sleep as well."
"If you're hurting it does." Mac said softly, gently nudging Harm in the direction of his bedroom. "Come on Harm, I'll tuck you in."
With a snort of laughter Harm just shrugged his shoulders. Couldn't hurt, and it was late anyway. He needed to get his sleep pattern under control before Monday. As he walked up to his bedroom he felt Mac's eyes on him the whole time. "Here." He said as he pulled out an old t-shirt and shorts and tossed them down to her.
"Thanks." Mac answered with a far off look in her eye. He still had the clothes she'd left here to sleep in so long ago.
After she'd changed and was sure Harm was ready for bed, Mac shut off the lights and stepped into his bedroom. "Can I tuck you in?" she asked hesitantly. When he didn't answer she decided to take that as an affirmative and sat down on the bed beside him. Gently she brushed his hair out of his eyes. He needed a haircut she thought to herself. Softly she began to run her hand through his hair, caressing the back of his head.
"I'm sure you mean well Mac, but it's not going to help." Harm muttered against his pillow.
"Well, you need to know that I'm here now, I'll be here all night if I need to be Harm. I already told you I'm not letting you go this time." Mac said as she continued to stroke his hair.
"Why?" Harm asked in a surprisingly pleading tone of voice.
"Because I don't want to let you go again. I can't let you go again Harm. My life was so empty without you, and now you're back." Mac whispered as she felt the tension relax a little under her fingers. "Because I care Harm."
Mac barely heard the little grunt Harm gave in response. She would never be able to tell you how long she sat there, stroking his hair, willing him to sleep. But eventually she felt his breath deepen and knew he was asleep, for now at least. With a little smile she laid down beside him on top of the sheets, keeping her hand moving gently along his hair.
"Because I love you Harm." She whispered before she surrendered herself to sleep.
Chapter 23
Harm wasn't too sure what to make of it when Mac followed him up to his apartment after driving him home from the Hole. Once, a long time ago, he wouldn't have thought anything of inviting her up to his apartment; it had happened all the time. That time in their lives seemed so long ago. Now he couldn't remember the last time he felt comfortable enough with her just following him in. A couple of hours ago he'd been trying to hide from her. Now a part of him was actually glad she was there. Stopping at the door to his building, he turned and looked at her intently.
Mac stopped suddenly when confronted with Harm's intense gaze. She saw so many emotions in his eyes, but couldn't name one. "What?" she asked.
"Mac, you don't have to do this." Harm said quietly, knowing he needed to give it one more shot. Once she followed him, Harm wasn't sure if he could protect her from what she might find.
Mac bit her tongue to stop the instant retort she felt coming out. This man certainly knew how to push her buttons, good and bad. "Harm, I told you that I wanted to help. I need to be here, be with you, to do that. I can't help you from Georgetown, not yet. I have to do this Harm, I can't let you fall down the way I did."
With a sigh Harm slowly nodded. Mac was still every bit as tenacious as she'd always been. There was no way he could just get rid of her. It was just like that time he'd ditched her outside his apartment when he went to confront Diane's killer. Not even his abandoning her in the rain could stop her from coming to him. If Harm was to be completely honest with himself, she was probably the only reason he hadn't shot Hobarth outright. God, he hadn't thought about that night in a long time.
"Harm?" Mac asked when he stopped holding the door half open. "What is it?"
"Huh? Oh, nothing." Harm said shaking his head as if to clear it.
"Harm?"
"Just thinking about Hobarth." Harm said quietly. "The first of many."
"Hobarth?" Mac said quietly. "The XO of the Seahawk who killed Diane?"
"Yeah." Harm said as he yanked the door all the way open and walked through it. Mac didn't pursue the matter as she followed him up the stairs to his apartment.
After Harm had unlocked and entered the apartment Mac moved towards the couch while he went into the bathroom.
"Why were you thinking about Hobarth? And what did you mean when you said 'The first of many'?" Mac asked over the sound of Harm running the water in the bathroom sink.
It was a moment before Harm walked back down from his bedroom. His face wet with splashed water. "Honestly, I was thinking about how you wouldn't let me abandon you that night." Harm said with a short bark of bitter laughter. "I didn't pull the trigger, but I killed him all the same. The first of many I played judge and jury for. Oh and executioner, we can't forget about that part." He snapped.
"What are you talking about Harm? You didn't kill Hobarth, he fell between the ship and the dock. If anything seeing me caused the accident, but it was just that. An accident."
"Mac, if I hadn't gone there that night, if I hadn't tricked him into leaving the ship, if I hadn't wanted to kill him he wouldn't be dead." Harm said with an edge to his voice.
"Harm, if you hadn't gone after him he would have gotten away with murdering Diane." Mac said softly.
With a snort Harm started to pace the apartment restlessly. Mac sighed, stood up, and moved to the kitchen. When Harm saw her grab the bottle of scotch off the counter, where it had sat for three days, he stopped his pacing. "Mac? What the fuck are you doing?"
"This." Mac said as she upended the bottle over the sink. Her eyes locked onto Harm's daring him to try and stop her. "You don't need this anymore Harm."
Frowning, Harm's eyes grew wide with rage as he watched Mac move onto the fridge where she started to pull out all the bottles of beer he'd put in there. "Put those right the hell back where you found them!!?"
"I told you Harm, you don't need this stuff anymore. It doesn't help, and actually it only hurts you. You can't hide from your demons Harm, you know that."
"Well I can't beat these demons either." Harm said through clenched teeth.
"Why not?" Mac asked with compassion.
"Because I am my demon!" He shouted after a few moments.
Mac stood with a beer bottle in hand, poised to dump it out as she looked closely at Harm. Fear rising within her at the horror in his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"The nightmares Mac. They aren't about things happening to me. They're about things I've done, people I've killed." Harm whirled around to stare her down. "So, tell me doctor, how am I supposed to deal with that!"
With a sigh Mac dumped the last beer bottle out and set it on the counter. Turning on the faucet she washed the alcohol down the drain and ran her hands under the stream for good measure. She had to remain calm if she was going to help Harm. Wiping her hands on the dish towel she moved back towards the couch, touching Harm on the shoulder as she moved past him. "Harm, please sit down? We need to talk about this."
She couldn't help but smile at the way Harm's face was all screwed up tightly when he finally sat down beside her on the couch. He obviously was having second thoughts about this whole talking thing, and that was classic Harm. The Harm that she had fallen in love with so many years before; the one who didn't want to talk about anything serious. And as much as she was annoyed by that at times, it was still part of the man she loved.
"Tell me about the nightmares?" she prompted.
"I'd rather not." Harm said harshly.
"They're the reason you drink so much?" Mac asked.
"No. I drink for the nice warming sensation in my stomach." Harm answered sarcastically. "Of course I drink to keep the nightmares away."
"Is that why you haven't been sleeping much?" Mac asked softly. She'd noticed how tired he looked in Iraq, at AJ's birthday party and any other number of times she'd seen him in the last couple months.
"Whatever gave you that idea?" he retorted with a brittle edge to his voice.
With a deep sigh Mac struggled to retain control of her emotions. She couldn't give in to the urge to snap back at Harm or she would lose whatever chance she had of helping him. "Harm, I can just look at you and tell you that you haven't been eating or sleeping. Why did the doctors clear you back to work?"
"You'd have to ask them. Apparently I'm fit enough to murder people."
"What?" Mac gasped.
"You were there Mac. You know what I do for the Company; I kill people. And I'm good at it, that's why they keep sending me out to do it." Harm said with a hard little laugh. "I guess there's something to be said for applying yourself to your work."
"Why do you keep doing it Harm? Obviously if its giving you nightmares..." Mac trailed off at a loss for what else to say. She wanted to help him so badly, but she didn't know how to.
"What else am I going to do? There's not a huge market out there for ex- spooks."
"You know what I mean Harm. I thought you joined the CIA to fly?"
"Seems they needed my other talents more." Harm said jumping to his feet once more to begin pacing.
Sighing, Mac watched Harm pace for a few minutes, not saying anything. There really wasn't anything she could say. Finally she stood up and put a hand on his shoulder, bringing him to a stop. "Harm, it's late, and you need to sleep. Please?"
"I'm not going to sleep Mac, don't fool yourself." Harm shook off Mac's gentle grip on his shoulder.
"Damn it Rabb, you need sleep. Get your ass into that bed, right now. I'll even stay here, on the couch if it makes you feel better to have someone around."
"You don't need to do that. Just because I can't sleep doesn't mean you should lose sleep as well."
"If you're hurting it does." Mac said softly, gently nudging Harm in the direction of his bedroom. "Come on Harm, I'll tuck you in."
With a snort of laughter Harm just shrugged his shoulders. Couldn't hurt, and it was late anyway. He needed to get his sleep pattern under control before Monday. As he walked up to his bedroom he felt Mac's eyes on him the whole time. "Here." He said as he pulled out an old t-shirt and shorts and tossed them down to her.
"Thanks." Mac answered with a far off look in her eye. He still had the clothes she'd left here to sleep in so long ago.
After she'd changed and was sure Harm was ready for bed, Mac shut off the lights and stepped into his bedroom. "Can I tuck you in?" she asked hesitantly. When he didn't answer she decided to take that as an affirmative and sat down on the bed beside him. Gently she brushed his hair out of his eyes. He needed a haircut she thought to herself. Softly she began to run her hand through his hair, caressing the back of his head.
"I'm sure you mean well Mac, but it's not going to help." Harm muttered against his pillow.
"Well, you need to know that I'm here now, I'll be here all night if I need to be Harm. I already told you I'm not letting you go this time." Mac said as she continued to stroke his hair.
"Why?" Harm asked in a surprisingly pleading tone of voice.
"Because I don't want to let you go again. I can't let you go again Harm. My life was so empty without you, and now you're back." Mac whispered as she felt the tension relax a little under her fingers. "Because I care Harm."
Mac barely heard the little grunt Harm gave in response. She would never be able to tell you how long she sat there, stroking his hair, willing him to sleep. But eventually she felt his breath deepen and knew he was asleep, for now at least. With a little smile she laid down beside him on top of the sheets, keeping her hand moving gently along his hair.
"Because I love you Harm." She whispered before she surrendered herself to sleep.