UNDER PRESSURE

A WEEK AGO

Grissom looked at the single sheet of paper resting on his desk. It wasn't the first time he'd ever filled out a Request for Leave of Absence, but this time he had hesitated before filling each line and right now he couldn't bring himself to sign it.

He'd really thought he'd stay in Las Vegas a little longer. Oh, he knew better than to hold on to things like posts and titles, but he had liked it here. Sixteen years didn't feel long; he had loved his work and the routine had been comforting; he had been in control; there had been a healthy balance between his job and his private life. At least up until a few months ago.

Different things had shaken down that precious balance and suddenly he felt he couldn't handle life here anymore.

First, the possibility of losing his hearing. It had forced him to face the fact that he might have to start over. He could write or teach, of course; it certainly wasn't the end of the world but he dreaded any change. He'd been relieved when the operation was a success but by then Sara had asked him out, shaking the foundations of their relationship and that balance that Grissom treasured so much. He dealt with it by denying there was any problem.

And then other things happened that would have mattered very little if he had dealt with them from the beginning:

Nick, whining about wanting to work solo

Nick and Sara urging him to make a decision about the promotion

Rumors that Catherine had been seeing Sam Braun

Eckley, telling him that someone had seen Warrick entering a Casino…

Grissom never confronted his coworkers. As long as they did their jobs, he'd let them whine and sulk and live their private lives as they wished. Balance, he told himself.

And then he'd blown off that precarious balance by getting personally involved in a case. The Melvin Martin case.

Grissom had met ten year old Melvin when he'd gone to process a crime scene. A kid had shot and killed another and Melvin Martin had been one of the victim's closest friends. And a witness.After Brass asked the kid some questions, Grissom had contacted the mother and recommended her to take Melvin to a Therapist. He felt the kid needed someone to talk things over. Later, when Grissom learned that Melvin had stopped going to counseling, he'd tried to talk to the mother and then the father, telling them that Melvin presented signs of severe depression and might be suicidal. The father started refusing to take Grissom's calls and even threatened to sue Grissom if he didn't stop bothering them. A short time later, the kid had committed suicide.When Grissom got the news that Melvin had died and that his father was in the building, he went down to he morgue.Nobody would ever forget the look on his face as he did. He looked as if he were going to kill someone. Of course, nobody really expected him to act with violence, least of all poor doc Robbins who tried unsuccessfully to pull Grissom off the man; in the end he'd had to call Brass.By the time they'd taken Grissom off Mr. Martin, the man had a fractured nose, severe contusions and three broken fingers and Grissom himself had a bruised face. Grissom didn't care. Nobody would ever forget Gil Grissom fighting back tears as he saw the kid's body. Brass had pushed him into an interrogation room and had chastised him for putting cases and his own career in jeopardy, but Grissom didn't care. He'd just kept a bag of ice over his bruised eye and kept silent.In the end Grissom had received a two-week suspension only; Mr. Martin had made a deal with the DA: He wouldn't press charges against CSI if the DA didn't press charges of child neglect against him.Days later, Catherine had asked him why he'd been so sure that the kid was going to kill himself, he'd only replied that he'd seen that look before. Grissom refused to add anything to that and in time he forced himself not to think about the kid anymore. Upon his return to work, everybody treated him with a gentleness that made him feel worse. He didn't want that kind of attention! To Grissom, it was as if his coworkers were kids afraid of daddy. He could almost imagining them telling each other, "Shhh, don't upset daddy or he'll go crazy again" After a week of this, Grissom felt that his position at CSI was unbearable and on an impulse, he started calling people who had offered him jobs in the past. He told himself that he could work somewhere else; he'd write or teach or even start a new lab. But his life in Las Vegas was over.It was a matter of survival. He'd always liked the fact that his work came first in his mind and in the minds of others. Now that people looked fearfully at him, he knew it was time to leave. Grissom took a deep breath and took his pen.He signed the form, put it in an envelope and addressed it. YESTERDAY

Grissom was packing his diplomas when someone in a nearby office turned on the radio. He paused to listen.

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you no man ask for….
These are the days
It never rains but it pours
Turned away from it all
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love give love give love?
Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care
For the people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way
Of caring about ourselves

He was wondering about the lyrics when Brass entered his office.

"Looks like you're moving" he noted

"I'm cleaning house for Catherine"

"Uh, huh." He crossed his arms "By the way, I heard you have a job waiting for you in Chicago.

Grissom crossed his arms.

"I'm not even going to ask how you know that, Jim; cops are notorious gossipers. It's just an offer," he shrugged "I still don't know if I'll accept it, although it would be the right thing to do" he said, sealing the box. "Everybody here would get a promotion, a raise-"

"What about you? Do you think your problems will disappear?"

"Sure. Each of my problems has a name. Nick, Sara, Catherine, Warrick, Brass" he said pointedly "I won't be jeopardizing your cases anymore-"

"Hey, you can't blame me for caring about my cases!" Brass protested, "But Gil, you can't erase problems; you have to solve them. You might change jobs but you'll still have to deal with the Martin case."

"I don't need to deal with it. It's a closed case." Grissom sat behind his desk. He looked around thoughtfully and then he sighed "I've been walking a fine like lately, Jim. I can't trust myself anymore-"

"Hey, listen, buddy: We all hit a wall some time in our life." Brass said reasonably, "But what you are doing here is dangerous, Gil. Denial only complicates matters. Your life becomes a ticking bomb-"

"Maybe" Grissom admitted, leaning back on his chair "But don't worry; I won't go off here."

Brass shook his head and left.

Grissom distractedly muttered a song.

Can't we give ourselves one more chance?Why can't we give love that one more chance?

Damn; now he'd never be able to get those lyrics out of his head now.

(The song is "Under Pressure", performed by Queen and David Bowie, abused years later by Vanilla Ice)