SARA
Grissom is still being tormented by old songs, but Sara will help…
The songs:
'It don't matter to me ' by Bread
'You've got a friend' by Carole King
'Sara' by Starship
TODAY, EARLY EVENING
Grissom's first impulse was to tear apart the envelope to get faster at the treasure inside, but he stopped himself. He knew that Sara's note would contain nothing but a bitter reminder of all his lost opportunities. Not that Sara would try to hurt him intentionally; it's just that no matter what she said, it wouldn't change the fact that she was back with Hank.
Grissom had already admitted that he wasn't over her, and it hurt. But maybe it was time to deal with the truth and accept it. He'd lost her, all right. What was he going to do about it, get depressed and cry for her? There were several options to that. The first was to leave Vegas.
Determined, Grissom grabbed the phone. He had a leave of absence, well, he'd take advantage of it. He'd fish a little. He'd check out working conditions in Chicago. He'd forget everything else. He wrote a list of things to do and then he acted upon it.
First, and he was surprised at himself, he called his old uncle Herb. The old man was surprised and overjoyed; to Grissom it sounded as if his uncle was crying a little as he spoke: Grissom wouldn't need a hotel, he'd stay with them in the guest room. His wife, (aunt Emmy) would be so happy! Oh, and they would fish, all right. And if he decided to stay, they would help him find a suitable home, and there were some ladies he might introduce him to. That last part didn't thrill Grissom much, but he said he'd be there.
Next, Grissom booked a flight to Chicago, insisting that he needed to leave tonight. He was quite a jerk about it, but he got a seat and that was all that mattered.
He had a lot to do but he was happy; as long as he knew what to do, he flourished under pressure.
Grissom packed his one an only suit in a bag; he packed a few CDs to take along with Greg's CD player; he got some more clothes in his travel bag, and finally, he glanced around, wondering what else to take. He looked at Sara's envelope on the counter. He hesitated. 'Just go away' he muttered to himself, but he couldn't. He grabbed the envelope and shoved it in his bag. He would read her note on a plane, just as she had asked him to.
7:00
Warrick smothered his hamburger with ketchup. He liked his dinners full of flavor and spice, (and heartburn, as Nick said sometimes), and eyed Sara's bland salad with an amused expression. The amusement turned to concern when he saw her carefully taking bacon bits out of it. She had specifically requested a meat-less salad, and the fact that she had not simply sent it back said enough to Warrick. The Sara he knew would have firmly asked the waitress to bring her what she had asked for, and fast, please.
"You're too quiet today, girl"
"And you're too interested in my food." She replied without looking up, "Why are you looking at me?"
"Is there anything better to look at?"
She looked morosely at him, and then back at her food.
"I'm worried, Sara"
"Really?" she put her fork down "What's up?"
Now her attention was on him and Warrick smiled. She had become a good friend; always willing to help him with cases, like tonight. It was her free night but she had agreed to help him go over some evidence.
He wished he could do something for her.
"Well…" he started "There's a friend of mine who's having a hard time and I don't know how to help her"
"A hard time?"
"I think she's in love with a guy who doesn't seem to notice"
She flushed.
"Does that friend need you nosing around her own business?"
"I think so, yeah."
Sara turned back to her food.
"He loves you" Warrick said quietly "He just won't do anything about it"
"Then it's hopeless; big news." She said sarcastically. Then she softened a little. "Warrick, I know he won't do anything. That's ok with me."
"Its not ok." Warrick contradicted, "You're not like that, Sara. You should go to him."
"I tried to talk to him-"
"No, not talk" Warrick smiles "He's not good at that. You should just go to his place with a bottle of red wine and some jazz … something hot and sticky. You'll knock him out."
Sara looked at him for a second and then burst into laughs.
"Yeah. And me in a black teddy, right?" she snorted "I can imagine him, looking at me like a deer about to be struck by a train-"
"Sara, he might not be back," Warrick interrupted "You do know that?"
Her smile froze in her lips. She nodded and looked away.
"And you're willing to let him go?" Warrick insisted "Sara?"
Sara took a deep breath before gazing at him. "He had to decide for himself, one way or the other." She gulped "I can't go to him. I can't make decisions for him"
…It don't matter to me
If you really feel that
You need sometime to be free
Time to go out searching for yourself…
Sara looked at the radio on the cafeteria counter. Warrick listened to the song too.
"That's him," Sara said thoughtfully, "He needs time."
"Sara, he won't 'go searching' for himself; he'll simply ignore himself and start over." Warrick said, observing her profile. His words saddened her but she changed her expression before looking back at him.
She shrugged slightly "He is who he is" she said with finality. She carefully poured a little dressing on her relatively bacon-free salad and tried a bite. Then she mused aloud, "Maybe I want him to leave. We were always better friends on the phone."
And it don't matter to me
If your searching brings you back together with me
'cause there'll always be…
… An open heart waiting for you
Time is on my side
"Would you wait for him like that song says?" Warrick insisted. "I don't think that would be enough."
Sara took a deep breath and was about to answer when her cell phone stirred in her pocket.
"Sidle-"
"Sidle, Sara 'Lee'!"
There was only one person who called her that, because of her fondness for Sara Lee Cheesecake during her College years.
"Professor Cole?" she frowned
"Yes, Sidle, it's me!" he greeted "Sorry to bother you, but could you to do me a favor-"
Grissom had taken the shortest way to the airport but it had been a mistake; there was a traffic problem somewhere ahead and all vehicles were inching forward.
At least it gave him a lingering last look of Las Vegas. Not that he wouldn't return; he'd come back to pack and to dispose of his home, but he knew that once he decided to leave, he wouldn't want to stay more than a few days.
Grissom wondered if he would miss the lights and the seedy side of the city. Sure, he'd find those everywhere, but the people… Ah, the people. Grissom shook his head briefly. 'Don't think about it' he admonished himself.
A few minutes later he realized that he might lose his flight if they didn't move soon, and that made him anxious.
"Come on, I need to leave tonight!" he muttered impatiently.
Out of habit, Grissom turned on the radio- and immediately turned it off. After the bad times he had had these past two days, he was almost afraid to listen to anything.
'Very interesting, Grissom,' he muttered, 'Now you are afraid of the radio? Come on'
He reached out again, but didn't even touch the dial. He shook his head, impatiently. He couldn't believe he was afraid of hearing some innocent song he probably had heard hundreds of times.
But he knew what it was happening. He had been in an over sensitive state in since his fight with that guy. Once he opened the door to one feeling, all the others kept crowding to get out.
He hated to admit it, but Cole was right; he had never known how to deal with emotions. He let love turn into fear, and let fear turn into pain and anger. Then anger sometimes turned into violence, and violence turned into shame, and shame turned into despair.
Well, he would not let it happen again.
He defiantly turned on the radio.
"This is LV34FM! announced the DJ If you liked the eighties, this is your station! Keep calling! Now, this was a big hit in 1985-"
Grissom sighed with relief ."No bad memories from 1985" he thought.
"-This is Starship, formerly known as Jefferson Starship, with 'Sara'"
"Oh, come on-" Grissom protested under his breath.
Go now, don't look back, we've drawn the line
"I agree" Grissom muttered
Move on, it's no good to go back in time
"My thoughts, exactly"
I'll never find another girl like you, for happy endings it takes two
Grissom gaped.
We're fire and ice, the dream won't come true
Sara, Sara, storms are brewin' in your eyes
Sara, Sara, no time is a good time for goodbyes
('Cos Sara) Loved me like no one has ever loved me before
(And Sara) Hurt me, no one could ever hurt me more
(And Sara) Sara, nobody loved me anymore
Grissom stared outside, not really looking at the traffic and the lights, but at Sara, running to meet Hank. No, no one one could ever hurt him more, and yes, they really were fire and ice, too -her warm love and his cold indifference. How could a song really be about his own life-?
Suddenly Grissom realized that someone was tapping his window and making angry gestures. Grissom blinked, momentarily confused. A cop was shaking his arms and screaming something. Grissom had to read his lips to understand. "move-buddy-move-what-are-you-waiting-for"
Grissom looked around and realized that traffic was flowing on the other lanes and he was probably holding back dozens of cars.
Grissom didn't react, so the cop motioned him to lower his side window. Grissom complied.
"Will you step out sir-" but the man's demeanor changed when he recognized Grissom. "Oh, Mr. Grissom, it's you. You should move, sir"
He nodded to the cop and drove on, but mechanically; his eyes were filling with tears and he needed to stop somewhere and fast. He impulsively turned to an empty street and drove on until he found an empty parking space.
I'll never find another girl like you, for happy endings it takes two
We're fire and ice, the dream won't come true
He held the tears back with an effort and kept his hands on the steering wheel, needing something to hold on.
"It's all right, it's all right…" he whispered over and over, knowing that it wasn't all right. He moaned as a wave of pain exploded in his chest. He had never felt pain like this. He'd never let it go this far before. He'd always, always been in control-
"It's all right, it's all right…" he panted, and took deep breaths until the pain subsided at last. He leant forward and let his forehead rest on the steering wheel.
"You'll lose your flight" he warned himself, but he couldn't drive like this. He still felt as if a cold hand had grasped his chest, an icy finger sliding down to his gut.
It took him a while, but he calmed down. He always did.
He sat back and rubbed his face, then reached a trembling hand to adjust the rear view mirror to see what shape he was in. He froze. There was someone in the back seat-
He quickly turned to look but there was nobody there.
He shook his head. How could that be-? He could swear that for a brief, mad moment he had caught a glimpse of someone else's eyes. He looked again into the rear view mirror and shivered when he realized that those were his own eyes.
Dead eyes. He peered at himself, fascinated, as if he was looking at someone else. He was, in a sense. Those were Melvin Martin's eyes.
"I've seen that look before" he had told Catherine, without adding that it was himself he was talking about. Well, up until this moment he hadn't known that either. He truly hadn't made the connection. And after all, he'd never tell her something like, "I looked like that when I was a kid and felt hopeless about life, Catherine. That kid wants to die."
Grissom closed his eyes.
He remembered now, the feeling of emptiness. He couldn't explain what it was exactly, but it was overwhelming sometimes. Painful. He had tried to numb that pain with an overdose once. In College he had numbed it with drugs and booze. And sex, too. Self destructive solutions, all of them. He'd been able to control it all these years, just as Gerard had promised, because his job was important, and he had learned to take what life offered him and turn it into something positive. And if he hadn't met Sara, he'd still be doing his job because up until then he'd resigned himself to live alone and not expect love from anyone.
Yes, love. When he met Sara, he realized that he was missing and he dared to hope. He thought he might be able to love her…
He couldn't. But admitting that he couldn't hadn't helped much, as those damn songs had said so clearly. He'd never find another woman like her. Nobody would ever love him anymore. He'd never be over her…
He took a deep breath and clenched his fists, forcing himself to stop those thoughts. He had to go on. He had an obligation, a duty to perform, didn't he? He couldn't stay here and wallow in self pity! All he needed was a reason- a job, an investigation, something to do. He had to leave.
He'd call Chicago Travel and book another flight. He took his cell phone out of his bagand when he noticed that there was an incoming call, he automatically took it.
"Grissom"
"Grissom! Thank God!-"
It was Sara. The last person he wanted to talk to.
"Sara- I can't talk right now-"
"Please, hold on! I've been trying to contact you! Where are you?"
"Flying to Chicago" he lied easily
She was silent for a moment.
"Grissom?" she hesitated, "You missed your flight"
Grissom cautiously held the phone closer to his ear.
"Grissom? Are you there? I redialed your last call and the lady from Chicago Travel told me that you missed the flight"
"You redialed-"
"I…I'm in your house…
Grissom froze.
"You broke into my place?"
"I did not!" Sara protested, scared at the coldness in his voice, "You didn't lock the door, and Professor Cole said that you might need -"
Damn his friend for dragging other people into his private life!
"Sara? Get out of my house."
"I will. I will, I promise, just tell me if you need-"
"I don't need you" he interrupted coldly. 'You're back with him' he wanted to scream, but instead he just hung up.
He stared at the darkness outside until he was calm enough to call Chicago Travel. While he was on hold, he looked at Sara's envelope, lying on top of the clothes in his bag. He wondered what she was doing right now. Maybe driving away from his house, saddened –or better yet, angered- by his behavior.
Or maybe she was still in his house, looking at the empty rooms and the pathetic boxes that he kept the way other people keep friends close. Maybe she was shaking her head, wondering what she had ever seen in him; maybe she was thanking God for letting her be with a normal guy instead of the bug freak-
Ah, his school nickname. He rolled his eyes. He was feeling so sorry for himself that he was dragging each and every painful moment, wasn't he?
'Well, why don't you add another one?' he thought. 'Read her note'
He took the envelope and let the contents fall on the passenger seat. A picture in its own plastic picture holder and her note.
He looked at the picture first. He and Sara looked as if they were blowing a kiss to the photographer, which had been Greg's idea all along. They had been carefully examining a mysterious stain on a sheet, that night, when Greg entered the room screaming "SAY HUMUS!", and they both had frowned and lifted their heads saying 'Humus'? And bam! Greg had taken the picture.
They hadn't slept in twenty four hours and looked it; they had been cranky and impatient with each other... But how they had laughed later, as they plotted their revenge against Greg!
Grissom looked at it for a long time. Then he took the note and immediately recognized her flowing handwriting.
"Dear Grissom:
I hope you are enjoying your trip. Are you flying, right now? Or are you fishing? Or are you about to dive into the ocean? I hope so, because I know how much you love the sea. Lucky you.
Wherever you are, please know that we are missing you.
Don't laugh, but there are so many things I'd like to tell you, I thought a song might do the job better than me. On the other hand, laugh, please. You haven't, lately.
Things changed for us lately for different reasons but I'd like to think that our friendship will survive. We might meet again. We might talk too. No matter what, I'll always be glad that we've had these years to know each other. Please know that I'll never regret anything that has happened in my life since I met you.
Love,
Sara.
When you're down and troubled
And you need some loving care
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest night
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running to see you again
Winter, spring, summer or fall
All you have to do is call
And I'll be there
You've got a friend
And at the bottom of the page she had added with a different pen- clearly as a last minute impulse.
"Please, come back"
Grissom reverently placed the note on the dashboard and tried to read it again, even though it was difficult now that his eyes were filling with tears. He tried to hold them back but he was just too exhausted. He couldn't keep his defenses up anymore. He crossed his arms trying to hold himself together before surrendering...
And for the first time in over 35 years, Gil Grissom cried.
TBC
(I promise you, there'll be a happy ending)